Super...Deform! (saga)
First of all we decided on a full cast of super deformed Princess Mononoke characters. The backgrounds will be shot in scenic
New Zealand, or a dumpster behind a sushi bar.
The opening shot will be of SD San running around on her big wolf. Suddenly she sees a chipmunk creeping around so she
follows it. Well, not creeoing, the animation is pretty bad so it sort of zooms in a straight line. Anyways, the chipmunk runs into
an enchanted tree of some sort so she follows. The tree turns out to be a trap door and she falls into a cage. The chipmunk is actually
Lupin and this is an elaborate scheme so Lupin can get San's autograph. She refuses so Lupin begins to sell her through ebay.
Scene cuts to SD Ashitaka and SD Hakul at the beach performing a smooth jazz version of 'Singing in the Rain'. Some smart guy
decides to shoot an arrow at Hakul so Hakul limps and bleedsthe rest of the movie.
SD Ashitaka goes crazy, pulls a bow and arrow out of his back pocket, shoots the guy with a flimsy wooden arrow. The arrow
rips the random antagonist in half.
Cut to a burning building. In the wilderness Don't worry, because some ham-hams are going to put it out. Using a human chain
of hamsters they pass a dixie cup half full of water they diligently try their best. Ten minutes pass and they give up. Laura writes
about it in her diary saying,"'tomorrow will be even better."
Three weeks pass and half the forest is burnt down, but the fire is gone. Crying is heard coming from the ashes of the building.
A gorilla (grape ape) finds the baby and unwraps it, Like a scene cut straight from Tarzan. Turns out it's a hyena cub, so he
disdainfully throws it up a tree. Then one of those giant wolves finds it and raises it.
Cut back to Ashitaka and hakul. They are still SD but their mouths are photocopies of llama lips which do not move. They are
still at the beach dancing. Hakul is still limping and bleeding a bit.
Ashitaka is hungry so he decides to buy some beef jerky off of ebay. He sees that SD San is in a cage for sale. The bid started
at 50 cents and has climbed to $1,200. Ashitaka is too cheap to use the 'buy it now' option but he notices that the seller's name
is LupinIII. Is it just a stupid fanboy or a stupid theif using his real name? He pondered over this. Hakul cam limping and stomped
the PC to death. The laptop bleeds to death.
What to do? Rescue San, of course! Even though Hakul is still bleeding Ashitaka decides to ride him to the bus station
because everybody knows Lupin lives in a really big enchanted forest. Hakul has to pay double, but like I said before,
Ashitaka is incredibly cheap. Hakul limps and bleeds for twenty miles behind the bus.
"If only I could teach Hakul how to carry more weight with a bullet wound, I wouldn't have to pay $4.25 for bus fare" ,
Ashitaka grumbled on the back seat as he raised the air conditioning to maximum setting.
After three hours he got bored of reading 'Makeout Paradise'. He sighed and began checking out
the fur lined card table in the back. He sat down on a cushion and tested it a couple of times. He was about to lie down on it when it began to
wriggle. He was pushed to the ground and a brown haired guy popped out of the cushions screaming. He pulled out a pistol and
Ashitaka pulled out his little crystal dagger. The guy started laughing and shook Ashitaka's hand. He says his name SuperDeformed
Amuro and was hiding under the cushion 'just in case'.
The bus runs out of the gas right in front of a haunted house.
Ashitaka and Amuro karate chop the bus driver for no apparent reason. Then Amuro shoots him full of bullets just in case of...nothing, really.
"Dammit, now our bus driver's dead, so we're stuck at this haunted house." Ashitaka complains. Hakul limps up to Ashitaka pulls of his
reins and screams, "You're free! You're free!" Hakul shakes his head and limps off, flicking his tail. "I'll guess I'll just check out this haunted
house." Says Amuro.
INTERMISSION!
Blares across the screen for two seconds, then the show continues. The two SD characters run into the haunted house, then lock themselves in to make it seem spookier. There are one or two lights on so Amuro shoots them until it's good and dark. The screen is black except for two pairs of white eyes.
"This is spooky."
"Huh, yeah."
"Spooky."
"Yep."
Suddenly there is a third pair of eyes that are big and red. He flips on a light switch and it turns out to be the ghost of Godzilla. But pertaining to this story he is supre deformed.
"Kill!" Amuro screams, shooting the Ghost Godzilla full of lead. It dies and they run out into the back yard.
Ashitaka sighs. Too much cartoon action. He takes a tylenol.
"I'ma gonna kill you dead!" Comes one voice. It turns out to be a Koopa from Super Mario Brothers. He's wering a blue headband.
"Ooh dat's where you're wrong! The bloods own this turf!"
There are twenty crip koopas and twenty blood koopas.
They start a breakdancing contest.
"What is this?!" yelled Amuro. "This isn't a gang fight, that's for sure!"
He hands them all an uzi and shows them all how to use it properly and unlock the safety. Ashitaka takes a nap.
Ten minutes later all the koopas are dead but for one crip koopa. He turns his life around and joins the self-defence corp.
When Ashitaka awakes, Hakul is licking his face. Hakul is still bleeding. That doesn't even need to be said. Ashitaka decides to keep walking east, where the sun rises.
Or sets?
Do you...
A) Keep walking?
B) Fall Asleep?
or...
C) Become a chimmeny sweep?
Amuro thinks that C) is the best choice and quickly pulls out a chimmeny brush.
They don't know the lyrics but they know the rythym so they just hum aling. Hakul hums a bit too but understandably refriand from dancing. The polluted skies of Britain are even darker today. Suddenly...
A time machine falls out of the sky and lands on the rooftops of London, causing a giant smoggy explosion. Who else but SD Char Aznable runs out, grabs Hakul, and flies off.
"Come back! Come back!" Amuro cries. "I promise I won't try to kill you this time!"
Ashitaka is very cofused. "Urm, take care of Hakul!" He yells halfheartedly.
Just then the giant wolf from the forest comes from underneath the rubble with a brown lump on his back. He gives them the lump, chews on Ashitaka's head for good luck, then runs off. The brown lump is actually a brown hyena , the one the wolf raised. Naturally, being raised in the forest, he can speak fluent English, teleport, and shoot laser beams from his eyes.
"Are we close to a really big enchanted forest?" Ashitaka asked.
"Yes." said the hyena.
So they got on top of the big hyena and rode towards it (the forest). The hyena explained that he could just teleport there but didn't feel like it. He was too tired to come up with a valid excuse.
They were halfway to the forest when they passed by an outhouse. "Wait, wait!" cried Amuro. The hyena paused. Amuro pulled out an uzi and held it against the hyena's head. "Run toward that outhouse. Dash, if you like."
The hyena sighed. "If you have to go to the bathroom you could jsut ask me to sto-"
"No! Run! Now!" The safety clicked.
Right before the hyena rammed into it, the door slid open. The hyena halted and looked inside. There was plush carpet in every direction. The vast room had a wide-screen television and two La-Z-Boy (r) couches. He walked all the way around it, ran a lap, then walked out. The outhouse, from the outside at least, was the same size.
Amuro explained that it was a hidden time machine. They all walked in when Amuro locked the door and programmed it for U.C. 0079. Ashitaka wanted to ask Amuro what this had to do with rescuing San, but he was too busy flippin through the 800 channels for something to watch.
They landed in the middle of Austalia. Future Australia.
Future Australia was full of future kangaroos and future trees and future dirt. trust me, the future just wasn't as good as the present stuff.
Up ahead was a future super deformed Zaku in front of a future warehouse with future grey walls. Ashitaka looked at the future Super Deformed Zaku for the longest time, wondering what to make of it. It was a bright future red coat.
Amuro almost burst a blood vessel, pulled out a gun, and ran towards the warehouse. Ashitaka wanted to go, but there was a really cool documentary on ants, with all these futuristic mid-90's computer animations.
A big white future SD gundam stomped out from behind the warehouse. It looked pretty future pissed. It held out its little grey SD gun (don't ask me how the gun is SD- it just is) and began shooting the SD Zaku. The SD Zaku began counterattacking, because Char was already in it. He knew ahead of time that Amuro would go insane- it was the only thing he could do.
"Breaking news!" the tv blared. "The match of the century! SD Char vs. SD Amuro!"
A camera, probably from a helicopter, showed the two mini robots fiercly dueling it out. "Why if I didn't know any better I'd think I was part of the action in fact it looks oddly familiar!"
Ashitaka suddenly got a case of the munchies and looked in the mini fridge. There was one green egg as big as his head, and an old mayonnaise jar.
Ashitaka took his chances with the egg. It was impossible to bite through it. He grumbled and walked out of the outhouse. He smacked the egg against several sharp rocks. The egg did not crack.
The SD Zaku locked arms with the SD Gundam. It was a dead tie where power was concerned.
i If either of us was smart enough to bring weapons this battle would be far over, /i Char thought.
i Gonna kill you! Arrgablaargaa! /i Thought Amuro.
A dull, wet, smack was heard.
Amuro looked beehind him and saw Ashitaka, banging an egg against the Gundam's leg/ Yellow goo began to leak out of the egg.
"Yum, food!", said Ashitaka, licking the runoff.
"No, you fool!" screamed Amuro.
A little caterpillar wriggled out of the egg.
"Aww, how cute" Ashitaka managed to say before there was a bright flash of light and he and the caterpillar dissapeared.
A giant, huge, titanic, monstrous, SD if you like, Mothra took its place. This mothra was an evil one, too, just to clear up any misconceptions.
The hyena saw it all and knew what he must do. He tried to attack the Mothra but SD Char pulled out a wooden fishing pole with SD Hakul tied at the end. Any attack by the hyena would hurt Hakul. The hyena backed away slowly and looked at the moth. It flapped its wings mechannically, puppetlike, staring at the warehouse. It fired a laser beam out of its mouth and the building exploded.
He (the hyena) teleported everyone (except Mothra) into the time machine outhouse and set it back to the past. The brown beast then collapsed from his collective effort. Granted, it was a bit crowded with the two SD mecha, and SD Ashitaka took the oppurtunity to cut Hakul free with his crystal dagger. Hakul, his badly misproportioned leg, still spurting blood, limped over to the hyena and hid behind it as a sort of shield.
Amuro managed to wriggled himself free from the cockpit, moving like a pinned snake. He pushed the Gundam's vodka dispenser and gave a shot to Ashitaka. Within minutes Ashitaka's speech had slurred.
"You are a very pretty man. I compliment you on that. Reminds me o' m'lady San."
"San?" Asked Amuro.
"Er yeah the whole driving point of this story. I'ma gonna rescue her...or was until we kinda went into the future..."
"What's she like?"
"Weeell...it's hard to say it in words. So I'll express it in song."
Music came from nowhere. Ashitaka began to sing with the voice of a completely different voice actor.
" Safety shoes
the kind with the metal toe
remind me of you and me, you know
wilderness
where I found you
was mowed down
for a freeway, no, two!
A-when
I think
of angry
you
it makes
me feel
SO
Happy Happy
Oh Oh Oh
Crappy Crappy
you know-oh
Happy Happy
yes indeed
Crappy Crappy
youre what I need
Chicken bones
on my floor
kidney stones
thrown at my door
sammy was
a friend of mine
worked all day
for rail nine
workin on
the bullet train
like a bullet
through my brain
Bobby was
that bullet train
running through
the forest tame
So when
I think
of Boobby
too
It makes me feel
like you know who
Happy Happy
Oh oh oh
Crappy crappy
you know oh
Happy Happy
yes indeed
Crappy Crappy
you're what I need
Jesus now
my only friend
help the train
back to its end
fear not the wolves
or acid rain
your magnet track
will guide you back again
Happy Happy
Oh Oh Oh
Crappy Crappy
You know oh
Happy Happy
Yes indeed
Crappy Crappy
You're what I need. "
Amuro blinked. "That is the must incoherant garbage I have ever heard."
He then asked Ashitaka how he was in the ship, when he was supposed to be the Mothra in the future right about now. Ashitaka explained that the hyena had probably screwed up with his teleporting, or it was just some kind of unavoidable plot hole, but when they got back to the past the spell would probably wear off.
The outhouse landed with a loud crash. Ashitaka dissapeared.
The trip back in time was an attempt to get rid of the Mothra. Little did they know that she (he if you consider it supposedly is Ashitaka) had hitched a ride. The trip through space and mostly time took a lot of funny colors and special effects to pull off. Some of the sparklies faded off of Mothra's wings as she gently waved them back and forth, back and forth to heat up the ancient muscles across her back.
(read a book on insects. you'll know why)
Amuro got back in his Gundam and walked outside. There was the forest, but chunks of it where burnt out and charred, some of it where on fire. Then Char attacked the gundam from behind. Amuro went insane and began fighting him once again.
You know, like Dragonball where on gets beat up then the other gets beat up and it goes on for hours or months (depending on which version you buy).
And then the next thing you know the hyena wakes up and he's at a loss to where he is. He hears the choas and destruci=tion and gasps at the horror of it all.
The mothra was burning things left and right. Paz! Paz! The smell of roasted meat was overpowering.
The mechas were battling to the death (of their pilots) , boolts screeching in protest under the tiatnic pressure, and their feet punded out thunder with every step.
The hyena teleported right in front of the mothra and sent a laser bolt from his eyes. Mothra conterattacked with an even bigger laser beam out of her mouth. For a while the laser of both of them struggled, but Mothra overpowered the hyena with a violent burst of blue energy. When he hit the ground he was several shades darker and smeling of bacon. Hakul saw all this and limped over sadly, trying not to notice the pain in his bleeding leg.
Amuro pauses to take a breath before resuming screaming. "Wait." he said, "I smell bacon.:
"I smell it too," said Char.
"I smell it too and it's in my bed!" , said the ghost of the ghost of Godzilla, in hell some twenty miles away.
"What's gonna happen today, Satan?", the Ghost of the Ghost of Godzilla asked expectantly.
"I was thinking of having Lupin come over for dinner." He said out of one of his three mouths in between eating people alive.
"Ah." Said the ghost of the ghost of Godzilla.
Back to our heroes. "The hyena...he's a crispy critter. He fried his donut trying to save this forest." Said Amuro.
"It's doughnut," said Char thoughtfully. "And the hyena was right." He dropped his bazooka. "We've got to stop Mothra."
"We?" asked Amuro in astonishment.
"Just this once." said Char.
"Just this once," said Amuro, "For the forest."
Dramatic music plays as they team up and both extend an arm to attack. A whistling noise comes from up above. An airplane from the self-defenc dorp is seen in the sky. The koopa inside it was aiming it suicidally at the ground. It hit the Mothra square in its vital organs and its entrails began to spurtlike splatter paint. It fell to the gound dead but with its legs still twitching.
"You bastard!" yelled Amuro. "You ruined our cool pose! And you killed my friend!"
"Friend?" asked Char, then walked off before he could hear the answer.
"Yes, that egg was a rare specimen from Centurion 6 across from the Ramada Inn. And at least stay if you expect to hear an answer. Anyways, I was told that they magically transform you into Mothra. You bastard you killed my friend! He's dead! He's dead!" he yelled once again and began shooting the plane, although it was pointless. After all the kamikaze pilot had wanted to die in the first place.
Amuro popped out of the Gundam and fell to his knees and began sobbing. "Namu Amida Butsu..." he said, fumbling with some wooden prayer beads.
"Come on!" yelled Amuro in anger. "Creatures of the forest! Cry and revive him with your magical tears!"
By now several woodland creatures had gathered around, curious as to what the hell all the racket was about. One deer looked at a buck. The buck shrugged.
"We don't really have tear ducts," sge said cautiously, eyes darting.
Amuro pulled out a gun and shot a songbird. The creatures quickly dissapeared back in the wood.
"Ashitakaaaaa!" he cried. "Whyyyiieeee??"
"Why what?" asked Ashitaka.
"Oh, Ashitaka. You missed all the action. You see, Ashitaka died and then..." A pause. Amuro cleared his throat. "Oh. Right. Well. Let's go get San, then."
They had expected Lupin's house to be a giant bungalow, what with all the money he extorted. Instead, it looked authentically Asian as a white guy would see it. Certifiably Wapanese.
"So, you DIDN'T transform into Mohra? Then where did you go?" Amuro asked cautiously.
"Well as I see it, the little worms eats someone, then he gains theire power."
"You were eaten, then?"
"Yup."
"Certainly explains the bug guts all over you."
They looked at the house. A begging cat statue stood on the front porch, and an orange fish flag flapped in the wind. The walls were made of thick rice paper painted with goblins.
Amuro kicked through the paper, Uzi held high.
Lupin looked up, surprised. He had been feeding San bacon bits through the bars of her cage to keep her alive.
"Um, I can explai-"
Lupin never got to finish his thoughts, because the weight of his head had been doubled with lead. Then Amuro saw a butterfly and began chasing it.
Ashitaka found a key on the shag rug and unlocked the cage.
Meanwhile in hell Lupin had just arrived as planned.
The ghost of the ghost of Godzilla waved to him and then continued to sweep the floor. "Ah, Lupin." said Satan genially. He was in a big, firey pit up to his waist, with a massive hornde head and three mouths, one with a bloody pair of legs sticking out. "Would you care very much fir me to gnaw on you for the next milennia?"
He grabbed Lupin and chewed a bit. He began to sing a satanic song, one which hemmoraghed the brains of mortals and which had several different remixes.
"Cha La
Head Cha La
Nami ga moki de
mmf mmf...
tender."
***
"San? Are you ok?" Ashitaka asked.
"Ashitaka! Thank God you're here! I've been living on breakfast burritos and and bacon bits for three days!"
They hugged. It became silent. There was nothing else left to talk about. Ashitaka cleared his throat.
"Well, I guess we should go our seperate ways."
"The town for you and the forest for me."
"m'kay."
San shifted her weight. Then she whistled to her brother wolf, who stopped eating the hyena and carried her off between the trees. After a while Ashitaka sighed and wiped some Mothra off himself. He bandaged Hakul's leg with rice paper.
"Well, I guess we better head back."
Amuro was outside, the butterfly smashed to a bloody smear. He looked sadly at his last gun and dropped it to the ground.
"Well, Ashitaka," he said, a smile on his face.
"I guess I can't exactly say see you later."
He walked into his outhouse. Ashitaka watched as it zoomed off to UC 0079 where he rightfully belonged.
The sun was low in the sky.
"Goodbye." said Ashitaka, which means God be with you in Latin, and led Hakul on the long way home.
The gundams danced with kodamas dancing on their shoulder, adorned with top hats and canes. With every booming step to the music a kodama would fall off and get trampled.
The credits rolled.
First of all we decided on a full cast of super deformed Princess Mononoke characters. The backgrounds will be shot in scenic
New Zealand, or a dumpster behind a sushi bar.
The opening shot will be of SD San running around on her big wolf. Suddenly she sees a chipmunk creeping around so she
follows it. Well, not creeoing, the animation is pretty bad so it sort of zooms in a straight line. Anyways, the chipmunk runs into
an enchanted tree of some sort so she follows. The tree turns out to be a trap door and she falls into a cage. The chipmunk is actually
Lupin and this is an elaborate scheme so Lupin can get San's autograph. She refuses so Lupin begins to sell her through ebay.
Scene cuts to SD Ashitaka and SD Hakul at the beach performing a smooth jazz version of 'Singing in the Rain'. Some smart guy
decides to shoot an arrow at Hakul so Hakul limps and bleedsthe rest of the movie.
SD Ashitaka goes crazy, pulls a bow and arrow out of his back pocket, shoots the guy with a flimsy wooden arrow. The arrow
rips the random antagonist in half.
Cut to a burning building. In the wilderness Don't worry, because some ham-hams are going to put it out. Using a human chain
of hamsters they pass a dixie cup half full of water they diligently try their best. Ten minutes pass and they give up. Laura writes
about it in her diary saying,"'tomorrow will be even better."
Three weeks pass and half the forest is burnt down, but the fire is gone. Crying is heard coming from the ashes of the building.
A gorilla (grape ape) finds the baby and unwraps it, Like a scene cut straight from Tarzan. Turns out it's a hyena cub, so he
disdainfully throws it up a tree. Then one of those giant wolves finds it and raises it.
Cut back to Ashitaka and hakul. They are still SD but their mouths are photocopies of llama lips which do not move. They are
still at the beach dancing. Hakul is still limping and bleeding a bit.
Ashitaka is hungry so he decides to buy some beef jerky off of ebay. He sees that SD San is in a cage for sale. The bid started
at 50 cents and has climbed to $1,200. Ashitaka is too cheap to use the 'buy it now' option but he notices that the seller's name
is LupinIII. Is it just a stupid fanboy or a stupid theif using his real name? He pondered over this. Hakul cam limping and stomped
the PC to death. The laptop bleeds to death.
What to do? Rescue San, of course! Even though Hakul is still bleeding Ashitaka decides to ride him to the bus station
because everybody knows Lupin lives in a really big enchanted forest. Hakul has to pay double, but like I said before,
Ashitaka is incredibly cheap. Hakul limps and bleeds for twenty miles behind the bus.
"If only I could teach Hakul how to carry more weight with a bullet wound, I wouldn't have to pay $4.25 for bus fare" ,
Ashitaka grumbled on the back seat as he raised the air conditioning to maximum setting.
After three hours he got bored of reading 'Makeout Paradise'. He sighed and began checking out
the fur lined card table in the back. He sat down on a cushion and tested it a couple of times. He was about to lie down on it when it began to
wriggle. He was pushed to the ground and a brown haired guy popped out of the cushions screaming. He pulled out a pistol and
Ashitaka pulled out his little crystal dagger. The guy started laughing and shook Ashitaka's hand. He says his name SuperDeformed
Amuro and was hiding under the cushion 'just in case'.
The bus runs out of the gas right in front of a haunted house.
Ashitaka and Amuro karate chop the bus driver for no apparent reason. Then Amuro shoots him full of bullets just in case of...nothing, really.
"Dammit, now our bus driver's dead, so we're stuck at this haunted house." Ashitaka complains. Hakul limps up to Ashitaka pulls of his
reins and screams, "You're free! You're free!" Hakul shakes his head and limps off, flicking his tail. "I'll guess I'll just check out this haunted
house." Says Amuro.
INTERMISSION!
Blares across the screen for two seconds, then the show continues. The two SD characters run into the haunted house, then lock themselves in to make it seem spookier. There are one or two lights on so Amuro shoots them until it's good and dark. The screen is black except for two pairs of white eyes.
"This is spooky."
"Huh, yeah."
"Spooky."
"Yep."
Suddenly there is a third pair of eyes that are big and red. He flips on a light switch and it turns out to be the ghost of Godzilla. But pertaining to this story he is supre deformed.
"Kill!" Amuro screams, shooting the Ghost Godzilla full of lead. It dies and they run out into the back yard.
Ashitaka sighs. Too much cartoon action. He takes a tylenol.
"I'ma gonna kill you dead!" Comes one voice. It turns out to be a Koopa from Super Mario Brothers. He's wering a blue headband.
"Ooh dat's where you're wrong! The bloods own this turf!"
There are twenty crip koopas and twenty blood koopas.
They start a breakdancing contest.
"What is this?!" yelled Amuro. "This isn't a gang fight, that's for sure!"
He hands them all an uzi and shows them all how to use it properly and unlock the safety. Ashitaka takes a nap.
Ten minutes later all the koopas are dead but for one crip koopa. He turns his life around and joins the self-defence corp.
When Ashitaka awakes, Hakul is licking his face. Hakul is still bleeding. That doesn't even need to be said. Ashitaka decides to keep walking east, where the sun rises.
Or sets?
Do you...
A) Keep walking?
B) Fall Asleep?
or...
C) Become a chimmeny sweep?
Amuro thinks that C) is the best choice and quickly pulls out a chimmeny brush.
They don't know the lyrics but they know the rythym so they just hum aling. Hakul hums a bit too but understandably refriand from dancing. The polluted skies of Britain are even darker today. Suddenly...
A time machine falls out of the sky and lands on the rooftops of London, causing a giant smoggy explosion. Who else but SD Char Aznable runs out, grabs Hakul, and flies off.
"Come back! Come back!" Amuro cries. "I promise I won't try to kill you this time!"
Ashitaka is very cofused. "Urm, take care of Hakul!" He yells halfheartedly.
Just then the giant wolf from the forest comes from underneath the rubble with a brown lump on his back. He gives them the lump, chews on Ashitaka's head for good luck, then runs off. The brown lump is actually a brown hyena , the one the wolf raised. Naturally, being raised in the forest, he can speak fluent English, teleport, and shoot laser beams from his eyes.
"Are we close to a really big enchanted forest?" Ashitaka asked.
"Yes." said the hyena.
So they got on top of the big hyena and rode towards it (the forest). The hyena explained that he could just teleport there but didn't feel like it. He was too tired to come up with a valid excuse.
They were halfway to the forest when they passed by an outhouse. "Wait, wait!" cried Amuro. The hyena paused. Amuro pulled out an uzi and held it against the hyena's head. "Run toward that outhouse. Dash, if you like."
The hyena sighed. "If you have to go to the bathroom you could jsut ask me to sto-"
"No! Run! Now!" The safety clicked.
Right before the hyena rammed into it, the door slid open. The hyena halted and looked inside. There was plush carpet in every direction. The vast room had a wide-screen television and two La-Z-Boy (r) couches. He walked all the way around it, ran a lap, then walked out. The outhouse, from the outside at least, was the same size.
Amuro explained that it was a hidden time machine. They all walked in when Amuro locked the door and programmed it for U.C. 0079. Ashitaka wanted to ask Amuro what this had to do with rescuing San, but he was too busy flippin through the 800 channels for something to watch.
They landed in the middle of Austalia. Future Australia.
Future Australia was full of future kangaroos and future trees and future dirt. trust me, the future just wasn't as good as the present stuff.
Up ahead was a future super deformed Zaku in front of a future warehouse with future grey walls. Ashitaka looked at the future Super Deformed Zaku for the longest time, wondering what to make of it. It was a bright future red coat.
Amuro almost burst a blood vessel, pulled out a gun, and ran towards the warehouse. Ashitaka wanted to go, but there was a really cool documentary on ants, with all these futuristic mid-90's computer animations.
A big white future SD gundam stomped out from behind the warehouse. It looked pretty future pissed. It held out its little grey SD gun (don't ask me how the gun is SD- it just is) and began shooting the SD Zaku. The SD Zaku began counterattacking, because Char was already in it. He knew ahead of time that Amuro would go insane- it was the only thing he could do.
"Breaking news!" the tv blared. "The match of the century! SD Char vs. SD Amuro!"
A camera, probably from a helicopter, showed the two mini robots fiercly dueling it out. "Why if I didn't know any better I'd think I was part of the action in fact it looks oddly familiar!"
Ashitaka suddenly got a case of the munchies and looked in the mini fridge. There was one green egg as big as his head, and an old mayonnaise jar.
Ashitaka took his chances with the egg. It was impossible to bite through it. He grumbled and walked out of the outhouse. He smacked the egg against several sharp rocks. The egg did not crack.
The SD Zaku locked arms with the SD Gundam. It was a dead tie where power was concerned.
i If either of us was smart enough to bring weapons this battle would be far over, /i Char thought.
i Gonna kill you! Arrgablaargaa! /i Thought Amuro.
A dull, wet, smack was heard.
Amuro looked beehind him and saw Ashitaka, banging an egg against the Gundam's leg/ Yellow goo began to leak out of the egg.
"Yum, food!", said Ashitaka, licking the runoff.
"No, you fool!" screamed Amuro.
A little caterpillar wriggled out of the egg.
"Aww, how cute" Ashitaka managed to say before there was a bright flash of light and he and the caterpillar dissapeared.
A giant, huge, titanic, monstrous, SD if you like, Mothra took its place. This mothra was an evil one, too, just to clear up any misconceptions.
The hyena saw it all and knew what he must do. He tried to attack the Mothra but SD Char pulled out a wooden fishing pole with SD Hakul tied at the end. Any attack by the hyena would hurt Hakul. The hyena backed away slowly and looked at the moth. It flapped its wings mechannically, puppetlike, staring at the warehouse. It fired a laser beam out of its mouth and the building exploded.
He (the hyena) teleported everyone (except Mothra) into the time machine outhouse and set it back to the past. The brown beast then collapsed from his collective effort. Granted, it was a bit crowded with the two SD mecha, and SD Ashitaka took the oppurtunity to cut Hakul free with his crystal dagger. Hakul, his badly misproportioned leg, still spurting blood, limped over to the hyena and hid behind it as a sort of shield.
Amuro managed to wriggled himself free from the cockpit, moving like a pinned snake. He pushed the Gundam's vodka dispenser and gave a shot to Ashitaka. Within minutes Ashitaka's speech had slurred.
"You are a very pretty man. I compliment you on that. Reminds me o' m'lady San."
"San?" Asked Amuro.
"Er yeah the whole driving point of this story. I'ma gonna rescue her...or was until we kinda went into the future..."
"What's she like?"
"Weeell...it's hard to say it in words. So I'll express it in song."
Music came from nowhere. Ashitaka began to sing with the voice of a completely different voice actor.
" Safety shoes
the kind with the metal toe
remind me of you and me, you know
wilderness
where I found you
was mowed down
for a freeway, no, two!
A-when
I think
of angry
you
it makes
me feel
SO
Happy Happy
Oh Oh Oh
Crappy Crappy
you know-oh
Happy Happy
yes indeed
Crappy Crappy
youre what I need
Chicken bones
on my floor
kidney stones
thrown at my door
sammy was
a friend of mine
worked all day
for rail nine
workin on
the bullet train
like a bullet
through my brain
Bobby was
that bullet train
running through
the forest tame
So when
I think
of Boobby
too
It makes me feel
like you know who
Happy Happy
Oh oh oh
Crappy crappy
you know oh
Happy Happy
yes indeed
Crappy Crappy
you're what I need
Jesus now
my only friend
help the train
back to its end
fear not the wolves
or acid rain
your magnet track
will guide you back again
Happy Happy
Oh Oh Oh
Crappy Crappy
You know oh
Happy Happy
Yes indeed
Crappy Crappy
You're what I need. "
Amuro blinked. "That is the must incoherant garbage I have ever heard."
He then asked Ashitaka how he was in the ship, when he was supposed to be the Mothra in the future right about now. Ashitaka explained that the hyena had probably screwed up with his teleporting, or it was just some kind of unavoidable plot hole, but when they got back to the past the spell would probably wear off.
The outhouse landed with a loud crash. Ashitaka dissapeared.
The trip back in time was an attempt to get rid of the Mothra. Little did they know that she (he if you consider it supposedly is Ashitaka) had hitched a ride. The trip through space and mostly time took a lot of funny colors and special effects to pull off. Some of the sparklies faded off of Mothra's wings as she gently waved them back and forth, back and forth to heat up the ancient muscles across her back.
(read a book on insects. you'll know why)
Amuro got back in his Gundam and walked outside. There was the forest, but chunks of it where burnt out and charred, some of it where on fire. Then Char attacked the gundam from behind. Amuro went insane and began fighting him once again.
You know, like Dragonball where on gets beat up then the other gets beat up and it goes on for hours or months (depending on which version you buy).
And then the next thing you know the hyena wakes up and he's at a loss to where he is. He hears the choas and destruci=tion and gasps at the horror of it all.
The mothra was burning things left and right. Paz! Paz! The smell of roasted meat was overpowering.
The mechas were battling to the death (of their pilots) , boolts screeching in protest under the tiatnic pressure, and their feet punded out thunder with every step.
The hyena teleported right in front of the mothra and sent a laser bolt from his eyes. Mothra conterattacked with an even bigger laser beam out of her mouth. For a while the laser of both of them struggled, but Mothra overpowered the hyena with a violent burst of blue energy. When he hit the ground he was several shades darker and smeling of bacon. Hakul saw all this and limped over sadly, trying not to notice the pain in his bleeding leg.
Amuro pauses to take a breath before resuming screaming. "Wait." he said, "I smell bacon.:
"I smell it too," said Char.
"I smell it too and it's in my bed!" , said the ghost of the ghost of Godzilla, in hell some twenty miles away.
"What's gonna happen today, Satan?", the Ghost of the Ghost of Godzilla asked expectantly.
"I was thinking of having Lupin come over for dinner." He said out of one of his three mouths in between eating people alive.
"Ah." Said the ghost of the ghost of Godzilla.
Back to our heroes. "The hyena...he's a crispy critter. He fried his donut trying to save this forest." Said Amuro.
"It's doughnut," said Char thoughtfully. "And the hyena was right." He dropped his bazooka. "We've got to stop Mothra."
"We?" asked Amuro in astonishment.
"Just this once." said Char.
"Just this once," said Amuro, "For the forest."
Dramatic music plays as they team up and both extend an arm to attack. A whistling noise comes from up above. An airplane from the self-defenc dorp is seen in the sky. The koopa inside it was aiming it suicidally at the ground. It hit the Mothra square in its vital organs and its entrails began to spurtlike splatter paint. It fell to the gound dead but with its legs still twitching.
"You bastard!" yelled Amuro. "You ruined our cool pose! And you killed my friend!"
"Friend?" asked Char, then walked off before he could hear the answer.
"Yes, that egg was a rare specimen from Centurion 6 across from the Ramada Inn. And at least stay if you expect to hear an answer. Anyways, I was told that they magically transform you into Mothra. You bastard you killed my friend! He's dead! He's dead!" he yelled once again and began shooting the plane, although it was pointless. After all the kamikaze pilot had wanted to die in the first place.
Amuro popped out of the Gundam and fell to his knees and began sobbing. "Namu Amida Butsu..." he said, fumbling with some wooden prayer beads.
"Come on!" yelled Amuro in anger. "Creatures of the forest! Cry and revive him with your magical tears!"
By now several woodland creatures had gathered around, curious as to what the hell all the racket was about. One deer looked at a buck. The buck shrugged.
"We don't really have tear ducts," sge said cautiously, eyes darting.
Amuro pulled out a gun and shot a songbird. The creatures quickly dissapeared back in the wood.
"Ashitakaaaaa!" he cried. "Whyyyiieeee??"
"Why what?" asked Ashitaka.
"Oh, Ashitaka. You missed all the action. You see, Ashitaka died and then..." A pause. Amuro cleared his throat. "Oh. Right. Well. Let's go get San, then."
They had expected Lupin's house to be a giant bungalow, what with all the money he extorted. Instead, it looked authentically Asian as a white guy would see it. Certifiably Wapanese.
"So, you DIDN'T transform into Mohra? Then where did you go?" Amuro asked cautiously.
"Well as I see it, the little worms eats someone, then he gains theire power."
"You were eaten, then?"
"Yup."
"Certainly explains the bug guts all over you."
They looked at the house. A begging cat statue stood on the front porch, and an orange fish flag flapped in the wind. The walls were made of thick rice paper painted with goblins.
Amuro kicked through the paper, Uzi held high.
Lupin looked up, surprised. He had been feeding San bacon bits through the bars of her cage to keep her alive.
"Um, I can explai-"
Lupin never got to finish his thoughts, because the weight of his head had been doubled with lead. Then Amuro saw a butterfly and began chasing it.
Ashitaka found a key on the shag rug and unlocked the cage.
Meanwhile in hell Lupin had just arrived as planned.
The ghost of the ghost of Godzilla waved to him and then continued to sweep the floor. "Ah, Lupin." said Satan genially. He was in a big, firey pit up to his waist, with a massive hornde head and three mouths, one with a bloody pair of legs sticking out. "Would you care very much fir me to gnaw on you for the next milennia?"
He grabbed Lupin and chewed a bit. He began to sing a satanic song, one which hemmoraghed the brains of mortals and which had several different remixes.
"Cha La
Head Cha La
Nami ga moki de
mmf mmf...
tender."
***
"San? Are you ok?" Ashitaka asked.
"Ashitaka! Thank God you're here! I've been living on breakfast burritos and and bacon bits for three days!"
They hugged. It became silent. There was nothing else left to talk about. Ashitaka cleared his throat.
"Well, I guess we should go our seperate ways."
"The town for you and the forest for me."
"m'kay."
San shifted her weight. Then she whistled to her brother wolf, who stopped eating the hyena and carried her off between the trees. After a while Ashitaka sighed and wiped some Mothra off himself. He bandaged Hakul's leg with rice paper.
"Well, I guess we better head back."
Amuro was outside, the butterfly smashed to a bloody smear. He looked sadly at his last gun and dropped it to the ground.
"Well, Ashitaka," he said, a smile on his face.
"I guess I can't exactly say see you later."
He walked into his outhouse. Ashitaka watched as it zoomed off to UC 0079 where he rightfully belonged.
The sun was low in the sky.
"Goodbye." said Ashitaka, which means God be with you in Latin, and led Hakul on the long way home.
The gundams danced with kodamas dancing on their shoulder, adorned with top hats and canes. With every booming step to the music a kodama would fall off and get trampled.
The credits rolled.