Title: One Step Closer? (To the Edge?)
Summary: To Greg, Ed's actions weren't just a warning sign, they were one step closer and he knows he's the only one that can help slow them down. Ed/Greg Post Ep OS to eppy 5.05 Sons of the Father In 'contains some spoilers'
Disclaimer: If I owned anything to do with FP Ed would be all mine! Hehe *alas* I own only my DVD's that fuel my imaginative muse Alice.
A/N: *sobs* (okay this one spent us emotionally so I really hope this doesn't suck) but finally some real Ed/Greg moments that I could finally use and of course that tormented scene with Ed and May's mother *sobs again* enjoy :D
Warning: you might need some Kleenex for this one.
Note: Words in italics and double quotes taken directly from episode (usual disclaimer)
'Ed's not home. Please help. S'
It was a text that Greg had always dreaded getting; especially about his best friend and team leader and especially at two o'clock in the morning. He would tell Marina and Dean in the morning why he had to sneak out almost sight unseen in the middle of the night but it was a call for help – even if it didn't directly come from the person needing the help.
"Eddie…what's going on…" Greg huffs as heads down to the underground parking garage with his fingers constantly fiddling with the phone. He had a few ideas of where Ed might be and the barn is his first stop. If Ed's not there, then he'd ask the night dispatcher to run a trace on his car's GPS and find him, not really wanting to just spend the night driving around.
Greg thinks back on the day's events, yes it was a tough call but nothing seemingly out of the ordinary for Team One that has faced several very tense situations over the past five plus years with Ed at the helm as Team Leader. Greg could tell as soon as Ed had started into his SIU tirade that his mind was already brewing with anger and heated emotion. It was the agitated tone in the tense words exchanged before the call…
"That's it. I've been cleared by SIU, review board, Coroner's inquest. And now she wants a meeting."
"Michelle Dalton," Greg acknowledges May's mother.
"Yeah. Brass wants me to talk to her to help maintain relations with the public."
"Getting a lot of heat upstairs Ed."
"What's that got to with me?...Look I shot her daughter Greg ,but the girl had a gun and she was using it. I had no choice, it was by the book. So…what…they want me to apologize?"
"Think it's a good idea."
"So you know about this?"
"It'll be moderated Eddie. SIU will be there. I will be there. With a trauma like this, it helps to talk about it."
"But she doesn't want to talk, she wants a target."
"Wasn't her I was thinking about buddy."
"I don't need to talk to anybody. I did my job. I don't need to justify this to anybody."
"Okay well they scheduled it for after shift tonight. It's not optional."
and the events that happened after the call that had set Ed's mind on an emotional collision course backing him into an emotional corner and he now wonders if his disappearance has something to do with that meeting. From the moment Ed had entered that locker room, Greg knew he was brimming with frustrated tension. His posture was rigid, words tight and defensive, expression hardened and fists ready to bust through the wall. He said he didn't need to talk or justify…lies…those were lies…those few short moments told Greg more than he needed to know about Ed. Ed Lane was a ticking time bomb.
"Eddie…where are you buddy?" Greg whispers as he pulls into the SRU parking lot and frowns at not seeing Ed's car in the parking lot. Not wanting to give in to mental melancholy, Greg hurries inside, checking first the locker rooms, next the gym and then the shooting range – no sightings of Ed Lane.
"Peter," Greg slowly makes his way toward the SRU graveyard shift dispatcher.
"Sargent parker. Wow it's early. Everything okay?"
"Sure. Can you please um…put a trace on Ed Lane's GPS for his car and let me know."
"Is he…"
"This is just me asking and you knowing – only," Greg states firmly, verbally implying that outside of the two of them, no one else was privy to know.
"Copy," Peter mumbles quietly as he pulls up the screen, Greg watching and at the same time his mind trying to guess where Ed might be at this hour.
"Okay I found his car at…"
"I see that. Thanks Peter."
"Sir is Ed…"
"He's just fine," Greg calls out, turning and giving Peter a small nod and smile but turning away with a heavy frown, inwardly wincing at the fallacy of his statement. Ed's not fine…if he was fine he'd be at home, in bed, with his wife. Instead he was getting texts at 2am from Ed's wife – something wasn't fine and after Ed walking out on the meeting with Michelle Dalton in tears he knows Ed is far from being fine. He left in tears…speechless and in tears…he's not fine.
He can only wonder what Sophie might be thinking and what excuses now Ed would have to come up with in order to ease his wife's already paranoid mind about his work. You better be alone Eddie, Greg's mind inwardly groans as he ponders another terrible scenario for a few fleeting moments as he nears the all too familiar establishment. But maybe this situation was for the best. Maybe this is what Ed needs to be able to lay everything on the table to his wife and finally seek some professional help. Did he stop at home after the meeting? Did he tell her about confronting the mother of the young woman he shot? About what she said about forgiveness and about Ed not being able to accept it for himself? He had a feeling inside that Ed was holding the blame and not telling anyone, but maybe now…maybe now that he heard what she had to say he would actually move past? Maybe start to believe it. Maybe. Only with help.
Greg pulls into the parking lot of the Royal York Hotel and slowly starts to drive around, Peter able to confirm the location of the GPS, not actually able to pinpoint the exact coordinates of where Ed's car is located. A few minutes later, Greg slowly pulls to the lonely roof top parking and spies Ed's car facing the far wall and feels his heart sink.
"Eddie…" he whispers morosely as he brings his own car to a stop a few spaces back and gets out, slowly getting out and heading toward the quiet, darkened cabin of Ed's car. His heart rate starts to increase as he nears, his mind hoping and praying that Ed hasn't ventured too close to the edge of that dreaded emotional precipice.
Greg gazes into the cab and sees Ed sitting in an almost coma-like trance in the front seat, a look of near defeat replacing his usual stoic expression. Taking a chance that the door was actually unlocked, Greg gently pulls on the handle, finally snapping Ed from his emotional coma but not enabling him to make any other movements besides turning his head to look at Greg and then looking away.
"Damn…Eddie," Greg softly curses as his hand rests on Ed's. "You're freezing."
Without waiting for any kind of an invitation, Greg closes Ed's door and heads around to the other side, thankful that Ed wasn't in the hotel doing something else he'd regret. He gets into the passenger seat and turns on the car, hoping the warmth will help to thaw his best friend from his morbid stupor.
"Wanna tell me what's going on?"
"Done talking."
"Sophie texted me."
"Figured she would," Ed answers almost mechanically.
"Why did she text me Eddie? Why are you here?"
"I don't know."
"I think you do and I'm willing to bet that it has something to do with how the meeting with Michelle Dalton ended."
"It wasn't my idea. You know I didn't want to go. It was your idea."
"Ed…"
"I…" Ed starts and then stops, his stomach tightening and his eyes wanting to water once more. He quickly swallows and then looks away. "It wasn't my choice. I was prepared to let it rest."
"I was only the messenger," Greg states in his defense.
"You could have said I was fine."
"But you weren't fine and you needed to hear what she had to say. Eddie you heard it from Michelle…she spoke in truth. May would want her to forgive you and she did. She said she forgives you."
"Fine, it's over. There you said it."
"Okay, but if you're fine Eddie, if you were fine you wouldn't be here."
"I needed a drive. That's why I'm here, I needed a drive."
"Why did you just up and leave the meeting like that? Why did you tell her you can't forgive yourself? Because that's what you meant right? When you said…"
"….I can't," Ed tearfully confesses before he gets up and leaves the room with tears in his eyes.
"You can't. You meant you can't forgive yourself? Or maybe you can't accept her forgiveness. She wasn't asking your permission Eddie…she was telling you. It was genuine and heartfelt."
"I was…I never expected her to say that…look we talked…she said her piece for the lawyer to hear, absolved me and it's done."
"You expected her to blame you because that you can justify. Harder to accept something we don't feel worthy to accept right?"
"Greg…it's done."
"You've walked out of meetings angry before Eddie, but never in tears…never like this."
"I didn't want to appear weak you know? She surprised me…fine you want me to admit that? There. But it's fine…it's over now. I just needed some air."
"And so you came here? To the roof top parking lot of the Royal York Hotel? Any particular reason you came here? Especially after talking to Michelle? The place where her daughter died. Are you sure you're not wanting someone else's forgiveness?"
"May's dead," Ed replies pointedly.
"Oh I think you came here for another reason," Greg continues, wanting Ed to admit that he doesn't personally feel worthy for accepting her forgiveness…mostly because he hadn't forgiven himself. He was here to get forgivness from himself. You hafta tell me Eddie…it hast be you.
"Well if you know…then you tell me."
"Eddie…"
"TELL ME…sorry!" Ed's voice starts in a shout and then ends in an apologetic whisper. "I'm sorry…I didn't mean to yell."
"I still need to hear you say it," Greg gently coaches.
"Why?" Ed's tone retorts with a hiss.
"Because what good is me saying it? You're the one that came here and you know why. You came and told me about SIU clearing you, May was on your mind, you were angry and agitated and then you were told by me to talk to Michelle to bring down some of the heat and you did but not by choice. I was there…I heard the words, saw your face…watched you leave the room – in tears. Ed you left the room in tears. Her words got to me and they obviously got to you. Much like her daughter, she also surprised us. But you…my friend…you leave and then...then I get a text from Sophie and here we are."
"You know what Greg…"
"I know you can't keep doing this to yourself Eddie, you can't."
"And you've never had a sleepless night?"
"I don't usually come to the top of a fancy hotel and sit in a freezing car."
"Fine."
"What is it that you still can't let go of? Talk to me," Greg implores.
"I am…right now. I talked earlier…I did as you said and talked and now…now I'm done talking," he stubbornly replies, making Greg purse his lips and quickly rethink his strategy.
"You and Sophie ever get to spend that night here?"
"What?" Ed asks in surprise.
"Remember back…oh this is a few years back…after the whole David Graham thing…didn't he offer you a night here…with like a five year expiry date?" Greg asks with a smile.
"No. Can't afford it. Izzy just…no," Ed replies with a few short sentences.
"Should make time. Isn't that what you always tell me?"
"Sure."
"So how come she's not here with you instead of texting me at 2am?"
"She's overly paranoid."
"She's concerned and I see she has reason," Greg mentions as he looks at Ed for a few seconds and doesn't look away, making Ed look over at him in wonder.
"What?"
"I'm looking for…for whatever is keeping you here and not letting you go home. Shall I venture a guess? Because I think it's deeper than you just being caught up in the emotional confession of a grieving mother and not wanting to appear weak."
"Sure, fine…guess."
"I'd rather you tell me."
"Greg…I needed a drive. I came here to…think."
"Think about what?" Greg prods, his mind and heart begging him to keep Ed talking in any way possible.
"Life…Clark's post graduation activities…Izzy's first words…whatever…just life."
"Life is good. But sometimes we can over think life. Sometimes we can dwell too much on all the negatives about life and not enough on the positives."
"Sure."
"And the job?"
"What about the job? It's the job."
"Yeah but it's amazing how sometimes the two of them can meld into one if we let them; work coming into our lives and taking over in not so many good ways."
"Greg…"
"Eddie, you're the best at what you do, you follow orders better than most and..."
"Greg…" Ed tries once more, his voice in a pained whisper.
"You had a heated frame of mind going into the call. Maybe that was my bad in telling you about the meeting with Michelle Dalton before starting shift, but I didn't want you to be surprised and walk into that meeting after shift with only a few minute's notice. Maybe it would have been better."
"I know it's been a long day. SIU's in there. So let's walk in, hear what she has to say and...the woman lost her daughter Ed. She needs to talk about it. You should too."
"She needs somebody to blame," Ed utters with a defensive stance, "and I get that. But for the record, this isn't for me."
"You went in expecting one thing and she turned the meeting the way she wanted…same thing May did; she made it personal for you and…"
"She did. Greg…she did but she said her piece and…"
"But you went in there with one only idea about this whole thing. Yes she wanted to talk, she needed that closure, that piece of mind so that she could maybe get some sleep at 2am. My friend…we wanted the same for you."
"She said her piece."
"Do you know what it's like to get a call at 2am from a worried wife? You probably do. I have had a bit more of these over the years some for past friends who have fallen and weren't married and I was listed as their next of kin. Now I'm happy that we're sitting here and I'm not going back to Sophie with something more than a fluff excuse. But you can't keep doing this to yourself."
"I wasn't sleepy and to stay around home and…and do whatever would have woken people up and…"
"Had them wondering? At least it would have been a two minute conversation. Sophie awakens, finds you missing, goes to the garage and finds you pretending to be a mechanic. But now…with this…my friend…she's worried and rightfully so. When I got that call I was worried; not to mention I worried those around me like Marina and Dean."
"She shouldn't have called," Ed huffs in frustration.
"How about you tell me the real reason you're up here…alone…at 2am? How about you tell me why you think you can't forgive yourself? Why you think you're not worthy enough for her forgiveness."
"What?"
"Ed, something is eating at you inside. Tell me. Let me help you work past this."
Ed merely shakes his head but says nothing, Greg settling back into the front passenger seat and his posture indicating that he wasn't going anywhere until Ed confessed. But confess what? I can't tell him I looked at that woman and said I killed her daughter and felt more than remorse…more than guilt. Me…a murderer. How can I accept her forgiveness? I can't forgive myself. I don't deserve it. I'm not worthy of that. Not this time. No.
"Greg…I can't."
"Yes…Ed you can. Ed you know I won't ever think you weak or anything like that. You know you can trust me to still honor and respect you. Now what are you still not letting go of? Tell me. I was there…I heard her words…and then, then I heard yours. You had her figured wrong."
"She's wanting a target…someone to blame," Ed insists.
"She wasn't targeting you…she wasn't even blaming you, she was forgiving you."
"She was."
"Then what? What in that statement can you not come to terms with? You didn't…"
"Greg I killed May."
"Ed you followed orders, mine. Tell me. What can't you get past? I need to know and I need to hear you tell me."
Ed finally leans his head back on the hard seat rest and briefly closes his eyes, his mind flashing him back to the meeting with Michelle Dalton and her lawyer and Greg at the SRU headquarters; his core instantly enflaming as he remembers their emotionally charged conversation.
"Sorry for your loss Ms. Dalton," Ed starts off telling Michelle Dalton, hoping the meeting will only last a few minutes. That part of his wish is true; the ending of the meeting was something none of them expected.
"Officer, thank you for coming. I know you are a nineteen year veteran of the force and you have 4 commendations. I know you have a wife and two kids. But I had to know what kind of…" Michelle Dalton starts her heart wrenching confession.
"Officer kills your daughter," Ed interrupts, making Greg's stomach tighten.
"Eddie..." Greg half whispers.
"No, I had to know what kind of man could do your job. I know there are rules and I know my ex-husband put you in a complicated situation. My daughter was gone and I was very angry at you…" she pauses as she starts to cry, making the three males in the room go inwardly soft also; especially the one she was talking to. And then…and then she drops the verbal bomb that would send Ed's mind on the elevator to the depths of emotional despair.
"And then I started thinking about my girl and what she would do if she was me. And Mr. Lane, she always saw the best in people. Always. That was May. And she'd want me to understand, she'd want me to forgive you. And so…I forgive you. I…forgive…you. I forgive you."
During Michelle's confession, Greg had watched Ed shaking his head and rubbing his face, his eyes already watering and then he drops the unexpected.
"I...can't…I can't," Ed utters in defeat, tears falling as he turns and leaves the room; stunned silence ensuing from those watching him exit.
Greg watches a single tear escape Ed's right eye and slowly side down his cheek and feels his heart instantly shatter.
"Ed…what is it? What are you seeing inside that you can't share? What haunts you so much?" Greg asks in a dead whisper.
"Boss…it's nothing…its nothing. I just needed…space…air…whatever," Ed quickly sniffs as he wipes his eyes and inwardly curses his uncharacteristically emotional state.
"I watched you from the moment she entered. Why does this one haunt you more than the others?"
"We talked…she said her piece and I…I said mine and it's done. Maybe now…maybe I'll believe it."
"Maybe?"
"I will, okay I will. Today…today was a weak moment nothing more. It was nothing."
"It's not nothing. You can't show me those kinds of emotions and say it's nothing; mostly fine during the day, aside from an occasional bout of anger but…but breaking down at night and you sneaking out to lonely rooftop parking lots alone, that hasta stop. You need to make it stop."
"I'm fine on the job. Okay? That's what counts."
"No…no it's not all that counts."
"I just…today day just was tougher than expected and…fine yes I lost my temper with the suspect but Sam was there. He had my back. The case ended and…"
"And then you had to go and confront an emotional mother whose young daughter's life you were forced to take. I know that must have ripped at you inside; I know because I saw it happen before my eyes."
"It's done. It's late Greg. I should get home."
"Eddie…"
"We talked and it's over now. It's done."
"But you can't just sweep things like that under the rug as it were. Whatever you are feeling inside you don't believe what she said. You either don't believe she forgives you or…or you can't forgive yourself or you don't think you deserve that forgiveness, but don't say it's fine. If it was you would be at home."
"You ever have one of those moments when…when you just needed to get away and um…think?"
And there it was…Ed was now playing him and Greg knows it. This was something more than just getting away to think. This was…it was one stop closer…one step closer to the emotional edge of a brewing volcano. But over what? If Ed refuses to at least openly, honestly and verbally confess what was tormenting him night after night then he'd never find inner peace and as he's seen it happen to good men in the past; Ed could literally fall off that edge.
Ed looks over at Greg, his remorseful blue eyes begging him for some leeway. "Have you?"
As much as Greg wants to say, 'no…I have never been there you tell me what took you there,' he knows he can't lie to Ed; especially not in this state.
"Yeah…yeah I have," Greg replies honestly.
"And did you always have to justify yourself to someone because of it?" Ed asks in haste before Greg can counter.
"A few times."
"Always?"
"Eddie…you don't answer to me, we both know that, at least not on a personal or emotional standpoint. But I am your friend and we've been friends for many years. A friend helped me through my darkest time and I'm now extending the same to you. I am here because I care."
"I'm…today was tough it was okay? I know that but I'm okay, really. I just needed some time to think."
"I just better not get your resignation in the morning," Greg says rather tongue in cheek.
"Promise," Ed replies with a softer but still strained tone. "I just needed to think…but not at home…and I'm okay."
"Eddie…"
"Now I'm tired," Ed utters, quickly shutting down. "Greg…its over now."
"Okay."
Greg looks at Ed and knows it's time to back off a little right now; he had talked…a little but it wasn't enough, he hadn't explained from his heart why he was still so tormented inside. Tonight he had gotten a call. But what might have happened if he hadn't gotten that call? If Ed had told Sophie he was gonna sleep downstairs and then snuck out? What happened ifs he hadn't noticed until morning and he had something drastic? Something he wasn't there to help with? Something for which there is no return? But why had he left home? Was there something going on at home that bothered him also? Was there some other kind of reminder there that was continuing to haunt him? Feeding his emotional demise?
Talk to me Eddie…tell me what you can't let go of…tell me what still see in your mind. Is it May? Her calling to you? Cursing you? Blaming you? Telling you she can't forgive you? Or is it yourself you're battling? What?…What is it? Greg's warm brown eyes pleadingly beg Ed as he looks at him with a soft tormented frown for a few seconds longer. Please…just talk to me…tell me what is wrong…let me help you.
But he knows at the moment they are at an emotional impasse that Ed will go home, make up some work related excuse to his wife and then come into the barn the following morning like nothing in the world was wrong.
"Goodnight," Greg offers in a kind tone, lingering a bit longer in the hopes of Ed's own inner urgings to take over and force whatever was tormenting him past his lips.
"Goodnight," Ed replies softly as Greg gets out of the car and heads back to his own. Both start up at the same time and then slowly meander through the hotel parking lot and then onto the street, Ed going to the left but Greg to the right. Greg glances back in his rearview mirror and for a split second that anguished look of defeat he had seen earlier on Ed's face flashes before his mind, Ed's lips begging 'help me', in a silent whisper only he could hear.
Greg's mind thinks back to Ed's silence about the reason he was on the parking lot of the Royal York hotel, his mind desperately wanting to know if it was still emotional fall out from May's untimely demise. It was the place she was killed and he had often read about killers returning the scene of a crime for various reasons of justification. Ed…is that it? Is that what brought you back here? Coming back to the scene of the crime hoping to justify something? You're not responsible, his mind laments in silent misery. I gave you an order…you followed it without question…why can't you just admit to me what is really going on?
Despite the light being green, Greg's foot is slow to press down, watching for as long as he could in the rear view mirror until Ed's car had finally turned the corner and disappeared from view. How can I get through? How can I make him open up to me and tell me what's really wrong? How can I make sure he doesn't take that next step? How do I prevent this for a man so stubborn and caught up in his own self-imposed guilt?
Greg's mind starts to slowly spiral downward, knowing that if Ed doesn't conquer these inner demons for good, the next step could be his last.
"Never…" Greg utters in determination as his fingers tightly curl around the steering wheel and his foot finally presses down on the gas. "I'll never let him take that final step. Never."
THE END!
A/N: Okay I think no wait I know by the end of this season am gonna need therapy for sure *sigh* I hope you all liked this and I sure hope we have happy Ed after all this or am gonna not be very happy! But please do review before you go so you let me know how I'm doing with all these and thanks so much!
PS: I'm going to lighten the mood on the weekend and post some Ed/Greg friendship fluff (yes that piece for those that have seen the snippets on my FB page) b/c I think we need to see our boys in a happier mood right?