A/N: This is a one-shot that I had floating around for like a week.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, except my laptop. Tom Lynch owns the most amazing girls in the world.
She was one of pure beauty, grace, poise. Something I knew I could never be. Something I could never be for her. Maybe that's why I lost her. Maybe we fought too much, or too little. Maybe our destiny was already decided and we were never truly meant to be together. Maybe I'm over-analyzing this whole situation. I've been known to do that. She never truly said good bye, though I heard the finality when she left on that cold November day for the place that she had once escaped. I heard the sigh that escaped her lips when she said "till we meet again."
We would never meet again. I knew it deep down. She left and I was stuck here. In our home, with our TV, with our couch, with our everything. She said I could keep it. I want to destroy it. I want to tear off the wallpaper, rip down the faded pictures. Cut her completely out of my life. I could never do that though. She is always ever-present in my head. Whether I stumble on the rug and she chuckles from a distance. I hear her voice everywhere.
I never fully understood why she left. She refused to tell me. I pleaded to know. It never got anywhere. She flew back home to her parents, and I was forced to pick up the shattered pieces of our final fight.
She would complain every night about work, or class, or traffic. All leading back to the fact that I stayed at home and did nothing. I never just "did nothing", I wrote. I wrote for her, for publishers, for anybody. I claimed that I didn't want to waste my undeniable talent and get a real job. Maybe that's why I lost her.
I remember when we met. It was in freshman year and I was telling a graphic story to my friends, when I turned on spot and saw the most beautiful being to ever live walk into the courtyard. Our eyes met, and I knew at that point in time that I wanted her. We were young and naïve. We started as best friends. We grew and grew, both different, but very much the same. We kept our feelings hidden for the longest time possible. We slowly became more than friends, without making it an official title. But I wanted more of her. All of her.
So I kissed her. In the middle of the courtyard. We had kissed before, but never in front of anybody. When I pulled back to look into her eyes, I knew she wanted to proclaim our love just as much as I did. We were inseperable. We were young. We were in love.
We were stupid.
Your first love always comes back to bite you in the ass. We had been together for five years when she left. Exactly one month and twenty-eight days until our anniversary.
I never fully cried until I knew she had landed in that wretched state. Until I knew she couldn't get back to me for a long time. Until I knew she was gone for good. Everyone tried to make me feel better. Aiden would bring me beers, Kyla would try and have lunch with me. I shut myself off. I closed my self up and looked at our old pictures. Dreaming she would show up at my door, acting as if nothing bad happened.
I would forgive her in a second. That's the thing I hate most. But like I said before, she isn't coming back. Ever.
I gave up hope after a month. She was really gone. I was really alone.
I never partied so I just kept to myself, pining over the girl I had once loved. Analyzing our conversations, reading her past body language. Trying to decipher something, no matter how cryptic, about her.
Maybe that's why I lost her.
So that brings me to present day. Why, you may ask, is this day so important? I have no clue. It's today and I felt like writing. I hadn't written something in a while. Actually the last thing I wrote was "love, love, lost and scorned. How you flood our hearts, but keep some dry. How you scare away the many and embrace the few. Lifting us higher, making us crash, and learning to live. Without you."
I would love to say I was expecting somebody today. Whether it be a mail-man or even a random dog walker. A reason to smile at a stranger, or wave and hope to receive a wave in return. Acts of kindness I never tend to see nowadays. I guess that's why I wasn't surprised to hear the door bell ring. No one rings the doorbell. Only guests. That's why I never looked out of the peep hole to see who could be standing on the other side. That's why I swung the door open happily.
Until I saw her.
"Spence…" I said barely above a whisper.
She walked in. I never stopped her. I was too shocked. My day was shot to hell now.
She sat on the couch looked at me and sighed before taking a deep breath and preparing herself for the speech that seemed inevitable.
"I'm the last person you want to see right now. I know. I don't expect you to care about what I say or how I explain anything. I don't want you to be forgiving with me Ashley. Because at this point in time I expect nothing of you, and so much of me. I left you. I left you because I thought I needed something more stable in my life. Something I thought that my parents could supply. They did. But they never took the time to figure me out when I was upset, or took care of me when I got angry or sick. They hate you. They always have. They hated that I loved you more than I loved them. They hated that you were always around to be there and pick up the pieces of my heart…"
She stopped, with what looked like tears in her eyes.
"Water?" She asked politely.
I nodded and walked into the kitchen to get her a glass. I was shaking. So much that I dropped the glass on the floor and it shattered into a million little pieces. Water had spilt on my shirt and I felt drenched. Cleaning up the pieces of glass I placed them on the counter to throw away.
Walking back into the living room, I handed her the glass.
"You're wet." She said with a smile.
I nodded and motioned for her to continue with her story.
She took a sip and spoke again "Like I was saying, my parents didn't know how to fix my heart. I gave up and realized that you were everything that I needed and wanted. This realization was made about two days after I landed in Ohio. I couldn't come back though. I didn't want you to accept my apology right away like I knew you would. I wanted to wait until you would hate me so much, that you couldn't see straight anymore. You never deserved anything I did to you."
She was standing at this point in time. Slowly making her way towards me. Grabbing onto my wrist, she pulled me off the couch to become eye level with her.
"You never deserved me." She finally said.
"That's where you're wrong Spence. I deserved you, I just never held onto you. I never held onto us." I finally said.
We were holding onto each other, so close that I could feel her breath softly blowing on my lips. I was getting lost in her.
"Maybe that's why I lost you." My voice cracked out.
She closed her eyes and pressed her lips to mine. Soft lips that made me feel whole again. Made me feel alive. Our mouths moved in sync with each other, becoming reacquainted with one another. It was the most sensual and amazing kiss of my entire life.
She pulled back to let her blue eyes strike my brown eyes. A battle of dominance that she easily won.
"You never lost me. Not even for a second"