He sat back against the wall. What was he supposed to do now? He considered his options – go back to garden or start over and pretend it had never happened, to run away from the past. 'Running away'? That was a cowardly option and Seifer was no coward. Or perhaps he was…..
He never backed down from a fight but maybe that was only because he was stronger and faster than all his opponents were, but then again there was Squall who was at least his match. And he would never back down from a life or death situation. But Seifer was not afraid of pain, not afraid of death but he was afraid of going back.
Had he killed her he wondered? Did he strike a killing blow? His head said 'yes'. And his heart? His heart could not, would never accept that she was dead.
It hadn't really been him he thought, or had it? All the questions! They were driving him insane and he didn't have one that he could answer. He was sure he could have done something more, if he had tried a little harder to break the possession perhaps Quistis would still be alive. NO! He told himself firmly she was still alive, his heart knew that, it beated her name, his very essence called to her, without her he knew his heart could not beat at all.
A single tear escaped his eye and ran down his face falling between the decking and into the gently moving sea. He loved the sea, the colour of her eyes and almost as turbulent.
"SEIFER?" A voice interrupted his thoughts, "YOU ALRIGHT?". Fujin. He looked up at the silver haired girl, concern evident in her eyes, or the one he could see anyway.
She and Rajin had found him weeks ago, wandering across Balamb beach, he had no idea of who he was or any of his history. They had helped him recover some of the memories and they had started to be a posse again, fishing away their time in their beach house.
But then he saw it – Balamb Garden. They were fishing like always, Rajin's natural talent getting on their nerves again, when it came flying over them. When he saw it he remembered everything like a bolt of pain tearing him apart.
Some things were still hazy but he remembered his childhood clearly now. All the effects of the GF's had gone. He remembered Zell, how he had always destroyed their plans by running off and telling Matron. Little Seffie and her war games. Everyone who came to the orphanage to adopt one of them always looked at Selphie first but were scared off by her good natured cries of "BOOM!" and "NUKE THEM!"
He remembered Irvine, he was good to play with but he always doted too much on Seffie, following her everywhere. Then there was Elle, she was everyone's big sis and they all went to her whenever anything was wrong, but she was not that great to play with and besides, Squall always kept her to himself.
Squall! Squall and Quistis, his best friends, the original posse. Quistis would always be the queen or sorceress and he and Squall were the gunblade-wielding knights. He realised now that was the reason why he and Squall had both chosen the ancient and rarely used weapon.
Why had they broken apart? What made Squall and he the most bitter of rivals? Why did they all hide their true feelings so much? What had happened to destroy their unbreakable bond? He remembered now the cause of all his sorrows. Ulitmacia.
They were playing in the flower field when she came to them. She told them that Seifer would be her knight and that he would try to kill Quistis. She said that Squall would protect the one he loved and kill Seifer. She disappeared then and they all cried together and promised each other that it wasn't true but all knew it was. Squall said he would go and find Sis, who had been adopted the month before, and that she would come and stop it all from happening. After Squall was gone Seifer and Quistis decided to go to the lighthouse. It was their special place. They used to play there in the few months before Squall came but there wasn't enough room there for all three of them to play so their new special place was the flower field. Chicken-wuss was too afraid of the insects that might be there so they didn't have to worry about him.
They reached the top of the lighthouse without any discussion. They held tightly onto each other's hand and looked out over the sea. Eventually Quistis spoke.
"I fwink she was tellin the twooth."
"Me too, Quisty" He squeezed her hand reassuringly.
"Seify, I wish yoo could be my knwight and then I wouldn't be so scarded"
"I can be Quisty!" He said excitedly then kneeled down on one knee and held onto both of her hands. "Lady Quisty will yoo take me to be yoor knwight for now and forwever"
"Always, Seify" She couldn't stifle a little giggle. "When yoor the mean ladies knwight yoo won't really be. Yoo'll be mine all the time!" Seifer got up and smiled at her then looked out the windows again.
"Seify" Quistis broke the silence with a shaky voice "When yoo kill me, could yoo not hurt me too much pwease?" with that she ran down the lighthouse steps, tears streaming down her face. Seifer stayed looking out at the ocean and whispered
"I'll never hurt yoo, Cause I love yoo Quisty"
"But I want us all to be friends still" moaned Quistis.
"But it'll be harder when we have to kill each other if we are all friends." Seifer explained.
"So we just stop playin together then?" Squall asked, distress at loosing his friends evident in his voice. "It's no fair! I loose sis then you friends all go away! I can't trust anyone! If I can't be friends with you then I won't be friends with anyone! Ever!" He got up and ran away, Quistis got up and followed after him. 'I have to hate them! I have to!' Seifer pleaded with himself.
They all forgot soon after, the knowledge was just too horrible to carry in their heads. Squall was left cold and introverted, Quistis became bossy and tried to become independent, striving to be the best she could be without anyone else. Seifer became a bully, almost driven to madness by the hidden knowledge that he would one day become a murderer and that his dreams of being a knight would come true in the most horrific way possible.
Seifer laughed bitterly in harsh barks. Ultimicia had ruined his life in all imaginable ways.
"SEIFER?!?" Fujin yelled "WHATS WRONG?"
"Everything" Seifer answered, he got up and walked away. Fujin looked sadly at his disappearing form. For a while they had been a posse again, but she had always known the time would be short.
"RAJIN" she called "SEIFER GONE"
Quistis sat up in bed breathing heavily. She had had 'the nightmare' again. Always the same every nigh. But each time when she woke up she could remember nothing but the very end of the dream. Squall calling out for someone and Quistis watching him out of breathe not knowing what to say because her heart was also broken. Every night she dreamed of Squall, that was why she thought she loved him. Her heart was telling her she needed him. But she knew she could never have him, and strangely enough she didn't want him, no matter what her heart might think. But Seifer…..
Seifer! Why did her mind always go there? She could never love Seifer! Her heart told her to keep away from Seifer. She felt such unquenchable hurt whenever she looked at him, heard his voice or his name or even thought of him, pain beyond physical. She covered it up, hid it behind laughter, a smart remark or just a proud bearing, whatever she could muster.
Her heart may have been telling her to keep away but some unknown thing within her told her that she needed him, that she loved him.
NO!
It couldn't be! He was presumed dead anyway. It would never be now. She could not stop the lone tear that escaped her eye.
She settled back into her covers and fell back to sleep firmly telling herself that it wasn't love.