Easier To Run, an o.c. fanfic

Disclaimer: The O.C. belongs to Josh Schwartz, and the song "Easier to Run" belongs to Linkin Park.

Summary: Marissa's gone. So is Ryan. Just not in the same way…for long. AU. Song fic: Easier to Run – Linkin Park. Dark themes. Please review.

It's been a month since she died. A month since she left me all alone in this world. A month. A whole fucking month. How did the time go by so fast? It seems like just yesterday I was holding her in my arms. It seems like just yesterday that she was alive and we were together…happy. It seems like just yesterday…

But it's all changed now that she's gone. I'm sick my life here with the Cohens. I don't belong here, I never really have. Marissa made it easier, but now, since she's not around to do that anymore; I've lost the feeling of belonging. Like I'm part of the family. I no longer see Sandy and Kirsten as my parents or Seth as my brother; to me now, they're just people who have decided to make me their charity case.

A thought rushes through me, it's confusing and crazy, but it makes so much sense. I hastily jump out of bed and start chucking numerous items into a duffel bag.

Now all packed, I stand at the foot of my bed and take in my surroundings. Too many memories box me in and I feel trapped, claustrophobic. I need to get out of here. New life. New me.

The Cohens are having dinner with Julie, Neil and Summer – so thankfully, it's easy enough to get out.

It's easier to run Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

I start down the driveway and breath a sigh of relief. Even though the Cohens mean well, they don't do anything but makes things worse. I know what you're thinking: how is that even possible? But it is. I'm sick and tired of the baggage they carry because of me. It's all my fault. No matter what anyone says, I know it's true.

If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave

I've been walking for a little while now and reach a convenience store on the side of the road.

Entering the shop, I make my way to a small section in the back. That section being where the alcohol sat. I see the brand Pure Vodka and think of Marissa. A tear is forcing its way out of the corner of my eye, but I won't let it fall. I can't let it fall.

I take the risk of being caught underage, and carry the bottle to the counter. Without even taking a second look at me, the man serves me – no questions asked.

I smile as I come out of the store. Pacing down to the beach, and to the lifeguard stand, I make myself comfortable and watch the evening creep into night.

It's easier to run Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

As I bring the vodka to my lips, I remember my days back in Chino, and how drinking straight spirits was such a regular thing. My mom practically lived on the stuff.

Then my thoughts trace to my dad, who's still rotting in prison. The bastard deserves whatever punishment he gets. And Trey is probably back in jail too, serves him right for hurting Marissa.

Is that where I'm destined to be? Jail? It seems to be a common thing for Atwood men.

Maybe I should go down to Chino and stay with a couple old mates, instead of sleeping on the beach and being found tomorrow. Sandy will be onto me as soon as he realises I'm gone.

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

But if I did go back to Chino, I'd just cause the Cohens even more pain that I already have. It's all Marissa's fault. Why did she have to die?

The bottle reaches my mouth once again and I gulp down another huge amount of the vodka. Looking out at the ocean, that night comes flooding back.

I can hear the waves crashing, but my sight is failing me. The blur I'm seeing is an odd comfort, like, it's all going away, like I don't have to deal with it anymore.

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change

It's struck something inside of me and I remembered Marissa's overdose in Tijuana. My fate became clearer as I vividly recalled Marissa's lifeless, cold body in my arms. A small making of a smile appeared on my features and I stumbled up to my feet and strolled to a pharmacy that was not too far from here.

It's easier to run Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

My hands are shaking and the pills inside the bottle are rattling. The sound is giving me a headache, but I don't fuss about it too much, because pretty soon:

It'll all be over.

Now under the pier, I take a seat on the cold sand. The tide is starting to come back in and the water is increasingly reaching me; but I don't care.

Soon it'll all be over.

Unscrewing the top on the small bottle of pills, I bite my bottom lip. My sight is still blurring and it's making it harder for me to see. After fumbling for a bit longer, the top falls onto the sand and the pills stare at me. Judging me. Mocking me.

Tumbling most of them out into my hand I take a very long, deep breath and shove them in my mouth. They were soon followed by the last swig of vodka I have left.

Soon, it'll be over.

Soon, the Cohens can get on with their lives.

Soon, I'll stop feeling like this…

And soon, I'll be with Marissa.

It's easier to run
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made
It's easier to go
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave

Fin.

It was stupid, pointless and a "WTF?" kind of one shot, but this idea sort of hit me and I had to write it. It sucks, but please review. I literally beg you to review. It's only clicking a button, saying something that will boost my confidence for a little while and pressing submit. ZOMG! That's not so difficult after all!