A/N: I guess writing a Christmas story has become something of a tradition for me. In last year's story, Kathryn was waiting for Chakotay. This year, Chakotay is waiting for Kathryn.
This is a little gift to all my fellow VAMBies and all those who consistently and devotedly read my stories - Thank you! Thanks to Mizvoy for the editing. Happy Holidays, everyone!
I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS
By KJaneway115
A thick blanket of clouds covered the sky, parting just enough for the silver sliver of the moon to peek through. The clouds descended from the sky to the ground, where they hovered in a soupy fog, obliterating most of the Golden Gate Bridge from view. The blinking lights at the top of the bridge, designed to alert passing transports to the bridge's presence, barely penetrated the murky haze. Mist wafted from the water inland, where it hovered above the streets, obscuring the twinkling lights that dangled in the windows of apartments and storefronts alike. Chakotay breathed in the salty air and snugged the belt on his terry robe. The clouds that hung heavily over the city matched the darkness of his mood. It was nearly Christmas.
Chakotay had not grown up celebrating Christmas. When he had gone to the Academy and been exposed to the celebration for the first time, he had found it somewhat silly and childish. In an age of science and enlightenment, he didn't see why anyone still got excited about decorating a tree or hanging wreaths and lights, or why parents who were otherwise intelligent and educated insisted on pretending that a fat man flew in a sleigh and came down the chimney to bring toys to children. The whole thing seemed ridiculous to him, and he did his best to avoid the holiday altogether throughout his Academy days and during his early Starfleet career. In the Maquis, there had been no time to think about holidays, much less celebrate them. But on Voyager, things were different.
Neelix had discovered the ancient Terran holiday in his research into the holidays and traditions of Voyager's crew. Chakotay had been in the ready room with the captain when Neelix had burst in, bubbling over with excitement about his discovery.
"Christmas is next week, Captain! Permission to organize a party?"
Chakotay expected the captain's expression to become stern and thought that she would reply in the negative, citing their limited resources and lack of time and energy for a celebration. Instead, her face lit up in a way that he had never seen before. "I think that's a wonderful idea, Neelix. A Christmas party."
"I'll have each crew member submit their favorite holiday recipe!"
"Good," she said. "You can start with mine - Norwegian glog."
"Glog?" Chakotay finally found his voice.
"It's a mulled wine. My mother used to make it every year; it doesn't smell like Christmas without it."
"Glog," Neelix echoed. "I'll get right on it, Captain. Maybe I can use some of my leola root as one of the spices. That would certainly add a kick!"
"Neelix!" the captain warned, "no leola root in the glog, that's an order." Neelix looked disappointed, but agreed reluctantly. "I would suggest that you speak to Mr. Paris about your idea. I'm sure that both he and Mr. Kim would be willing to help you plan your party."
This idea lifted the Talaxian's spirits once again and he bounded out of the ready room, chattering on about all the preparations he would need to make for the upcoming party.
Chakotay studied the captain's wistful expression. It seemed that Neelix's suggestion of a Christmas party had transported her to another place and time. He watched the sadness creep into her eyes as memories played through her mind. He didn't known her very well, so early in their journey, but seeing that bittersweet longing in her expression made his heart ache. "Captain?" he asked softly.
She blinked and looked at him as if she had forgotten he was there. "I'm sorry, Commander. Where were we? Crew evaluations?"
"Christmas."
"Oh." She blushed, realizing that he had caught her in her reverie.
"There's no need to be embarrassed. What were you thinking about just now?"
"I was remembering. Christmas with my family was always very special. You know, I never missed one until this year."
"Never?" He was surprised.
"Somehow I always managed to make it home, even if it was only for a day or two." She paused. "Last year might have been my last Christmas with them."
Chakotay was taken aback by her melancholy mood. "I'm sure that's not the case. We're going to get home. Maybe by next Christmas you'll be with them again."
She shook her head. "I'm sorry, Chakotay. It's not like me to be so morose. Let's get back to work."
"No. Tell me about Christmas with your family."
"You really want to know?"
He nodded. "I do." As she told him about Janeway family Christmas traditions, for the first time in his life, Chakotay didn't find the holiday silly at all. In fact, he resolved at that moment to make every Christmas in the Delta Quadrant a happy occasion for Kathryn Janeway.
For seven years, they had shared Christmas together, usually exchanging small gifts and often attending the annual Voyager holiday party arm in arm. But now, he was standing alone on his balcony in San Francisco, the night before Christmas Eve, and Kathryn was gone.
He thought back to a few weeks earlier, right around the time that the stores started to hang colored lights in their windows and put out holiday cards and wrapping paper on their shelves. He had been walking through an outdoor shopping area with Seven of Nine. Voyager had been home for just over six months, and his on-again-off-again relationship with Seven had been in that state of flux for nearly as long. He'd heard rumors that Seven had been seeing someone new, a young scientist at Starfleet Headquarters, and had been trying to get up the courage to ask her about it.
As they walked through the mall, passing the time with idle conversation, they remarked on the holiday decorations. "Kathryn would love that tree," Chakotay said, pointing to the large fir tree in the center of the shopping area.
"Chakotay." Seven stopped her leisurely stroll, but her companion didn't seem to notice. "Chakotay. Chakotay!"
He turned around, realizing she was several paces behind him. "What?"
"If I have counted correctly, that is the fifth time you have mentioned Captain Janeway in the last forty six minutes."
"Oh." He blushed.
"You miss her."
Janeway had left Earth shortly after Voyager's debriefings on a long distance, top secret assignment. Voyager's crew had been permitted limited communication with her, but they were restricted to short subspace messages. Chakotay sighed. "Yes, I guess I do."
Seven put her hands on her hips, a gesture that Chakotay was sure she had learned, inadvertently, from watching Janeway do the same. "Chakotay, I wish for us to be honest with each other."
"Seven..."
"Please." She took his hand and pulled him over to a bench. "You miss Captain Janeway."
"Of course I do. Don't you?"
"I do, but I think not in the same way that you do."
"Seven, what are you trying to say?"
"I think you are in denial about your feelings for the captain."
"What feelings?"
"As Christmas approaches, I have observed that the number of times per day that you mention her name have increased by over sixty percent. The longing in your eyes when you think I am not looking... you are not longing for me to spend this holiday with you, Chakotay."
He swallowed hard, resting his elbows on his knees and looking down at his clasped hands. "I've spent Christmas with Kathryn for the last seven years. Do you know that she never once missed Christmas with her family until we were stranded in the Delta Quadrant?" He paused. "And now she'll be missing it again, the first Christmas that she could have been with them in eight years."
"And, for the first time in seven years, you will be missing Christmas with her."
"I don't care about Christmas."
"You care about the captain."
Chakotay sighed and squeezed his hands together. "Yes, I do."
He felt Seven's hand on his back as her other palm touched his cheek, turning his face to hers. She pressed a very gentle and very chaste kiss to his lips. "I will never be able to thank you for all you have done to help me adjust to life here on Earth."
"There's no need for thanks, Seven."
"You may have heard the rumor that I have been spending time with Lieutenant Bowers at Starfleet Headquarters."
He nodded.
"It's true. Andrew and I have been spending time together recently." She paused, but kept the courage to look directly into his eyes. "It is time for both of us to move on, Chakotay. You should tell Captain Janeway to hurry home for Christmas."
He had done just that, in a rushed and perhaps somewhat cryptic subspace message, urging Kathryn to come home quickly and telling her how much he missed her. She had replied in a brief communique, her cheeks flushed, her eyes glowing, seeming to have understood the intent behind his garbled message. "I'll be home for Christmas," she had said. "As the old song goes, you can count on me." She had sealed the message by kissing her fingers and then pressing them to the screen, something that in all their years together she had never done before. Yes, she had understood his meaning. But that was the last he had heard from her, two weeks earlier.
Starfleet insisted that the nature of her mission was sensitive and that she might not be able to communicate with him for several weeks. They assured him that she was fine and that her mission was proceeding as planned. Still, he worried.
...
The next morning, after managing a couple hours of troubled sleep, Chakotay was sitting at the kitchen counter in his one bedroom apartment drinking a cup of coffee. He had started drinking it more and more; Seven said it was because it made him feel closer to Kathryn. He had scoffed at the idea, but knew in his heart that she was right. Seven had turned into quite a thoughtful and perceptive young woman.
He still put milk in his coffee, or cream if he wanted to indulge, but he had managed to wean himself off the sugar that Kathryn had always berated him for adding to her favorite beverage. He was taking a long sip when his communication console beeped. Suddenly feeling very awake, he hurried across the room to answer it.
"Merry Christmas, Chakotay," the voice on the other end said. He realized that he wasn't hiding his disappointment very well when Gretchen Janeway added, "Were you expecting someone else?"
"Expecting? No. I was hoping it might be Kathryn. I haven't heard from her in a few weeks."
Kathryn's mother nodded. "I haven't either. But she's beat the odds before. She'll be home, Chakotay. Don't worry." He nodded, trying to keep his expression positive. The last thing he wanted was for Gretchen to see how concerned he really was. "I was calling to invite you to join us for Christmas Eve," she continued.
"Oh, I couldn't impose on your family like that."
Gretchen put her hands on her hips in a gesture so familiar that Chakotay almost laughed. "And just what are you going to do with yourself tonight, young man?"
"I thought I'd stay home, watch a movie and make some popcorn, to be honest."
"No one else from Voyager invited you to join them?"
"Well, Tom and B'Elanna did, but I didn't want..."
"To impose. Of course. Or perhaps you didn't want to listen to Amelia Paris' incessant babbling. She can go on and on." Now, Chakotay did laugh. Gretchen had pinned down Tom's mother to a T. "I won't take no for an answer, Chakotay," the older woman continued. Then her expression became wistful and sad, and the look in her eyes was just like the one Chakotay had seen on Kathryn's face all those years earlier. "Besides, Kathryn would want you to be here. She wouldn't want you to be alone."
"All right. I'll come."
Gretchen gave him the details for the evening, and at 1800, Chakotay transported to Bloomington, Indiana. He had met Gretchen Janeway several times following Voyager's return, and had felt immediately connected to her. She had told him how often Kathryn had spoken of him in her letters from the Delta Quadrant and had thanked him for taking care of her daughter. After Kathryn had left on her top secret mission, Chakotay had called to check in on Gretchen on a regular basis. But, this was his first time at her home, and he was a little nervous as he raised his hand to ring the door chime.
Gretchen answered the door wearing a black skirt and a festive green sweater. "Welcome, Chakotay! Merry Christmas!" she exclaimed, giving him a warm hug.
"Thank you. Merry Christmas." He handed her the bottle of wine he had brought.
There was a loud commotion in the other room, and Gretchen escorted him into the living room, where the Christmas tree stood, decorated with a myriad of ornaments and colored lights, topped with a glittering star. The introductions went all around, as Chakotay met Phoebe, her husband Alan, and their two little ones. Maia, at age three, clung to her mother at first, but after an hour or so, was eagerly asking Chakotay to chase her around the room. Alex, the older one, at six, wanted nothing more than to build starships out of blocks with his quickly adopted "Uncle Chakotay."
The house smelled of glog. This was the first thing Chakotay had noticed, for he had shared Kathryn's favorite Christmas recipe with her on numerous occasions. Gretchen had prepared a three course meal, and Chakotay took it upon himself to help serve food and clear plates, despite Gretchen's insistence that he was a guest. "I want to help," he protested. "Phoebe and Alan are busy with the kids. Let me help you."
The meal was filled with laughter and stories of Christmases past. No one said it, but Kathryn's absence was felt keenly by everyone at the table, even the little ones who had barely met her.
"Is Auntie Kathryn coming for Christmas?" Alex asked as the dessert plates were cleared and the family moved into the living room to sit by the tree.
"Your Auntie Kathryn is very busy doing a very important job for Starfleet," Chakotay replied.
"But she promised she'd be home for Christmas. I want her to help me build my starship." Alex had asked for a starship model, and he seemed positive he was going to get his wish from Santa Claus.
Chakotay knelt down so he was eye level with the boy. "I'm sure that Auntie Kathryn wishes she could be here with you very much, Alex, and I bet she would love to help you build your starship. But I'll tell you what, if she can't make it, I'll help you. How does that sound?"
The boy put on a brave smile, but Chakotay could tell that he was a poor substitute for Auntie Kathryn. "Okay."
"Good boy," Chakotay said. "Now let's go open some presents." That distracted Alex sufficiently and he hurried off to the living room. The children were each allowed to open one present on Christmas Eve; the rest had to be saved for Christmas Day.
The whole house was decorated for Christmas, and as Chakotay walked down the hallway, he noticed the little touches of holly and pine, the scented candles, the little mementos. Everything blended together to create the perfect holiday scene. He could understand why Kathryn had loved Christmas with her family so much. He just wished that she could be here to enjoy it with them now. He sighed and then felt a warm hand on his shoulder. "Don't give up on a Christmas miracle, Chakotay," Gretchen Janeway said with a wink. "Anything is possible."
He shook his head and sighed again. "I just want her to get home safe. Even if it's not in time for Christmas, I don't care."
"I feel the same way," Gretchen said. He slipped his arm around her waist and they walked into the living room together.
It was late by the time the Christmas Eve gifts had been opened and "The Night Before Christmas" had been read aloud by Alan in a very animated fashion. Maia had fallen asleep long before the poem was over, and Alex was nodding off, too, despite his earlier insistence that he wanted to stay awake to see Santa come. "Santa won't come if you're awake," Phoebe told him. The parents carried their sleepy children upstairs to bed and said goodnight, leaving Gretchen and Chakotay alone.
"How about a glass of port?" Gretchen suggested.
"Sure, that sounds good."
She poured two small glasses of the dark red liquid, and they clinked their glasses together before each taking a sip. They sat in silence, taking in the peacefulness of the night as only the glow of the tree lights illuminated the room.
"Kathryn used to tell me about your Christmases here," Chakotay said quietly. "I'm glad I finally got to experience all the wonderful traditions she told me about."
"Not all," Gretchen countered. "You haven't experienced Christmas morning at the Janeway house."
He chuckled. "She told me about that, too. How Santa Claus always manages to show up."
Gretchen winked. "It's Christmas magic, Chakotay. Don't doubt it."
"I never believed in Christmas magic until I met Kathryn. But seeing the way her face lit up the first time Neelix suggested we have a Christmas party..."
"That's the magic of Christmas. It's not a man in a red suit who comes down the chimney." Gretchen gestured to the fireplace where the embers were burning low. "Although, anything's possible." She reached over and patted his knee. "It's being together with family and loved ones and letting them know how special they are to you."
"Yes, I suppose that's true."
"Why don't you spend the night, Chakotay?"
"Oh, no." He started to stand. "I should really be going."
"Nonsense. I have an extra bed upstairs. I don't want you to be alone on Christmas. Who knows, Santa Claus might even leave something for you."
"I don't want to be any trouble."
"It's no trouble. Please stay. Besides, if Kathryn does, by some miracle, make it home tomorrow, she'll come here."
"Okay. But you'll have to let me make breakfast."
Gretchen smiled. "Now there's an offer I'll accept." She put down her empty port glass and patted Chakotay on the shoulder. "I'm going up to bed, dear. Don't stay up too late or Santa won't come." She winked again and headed up the stairs. Looking after her, Chakotay marveled at her ability to maintain a positive attitude even though he knew she must be as worried about Kathryn as he was.
Quietly, so as not to disturb anyone in the house, Chakotay slipped out the front door and onto the porch. The night air was chilly, and he could see his breath. He looked up at the sky, trying to make out the stars, but the whole sky was covered in thick, grey clouds. He inhaled the cold air; it smelled like snow. Gretchen had told him earlier that December had been unusually warm that year; usually they had several inches of snow before Christmas. "If we're lucky, it will snow tonight, and we'll have a white Christmas," she had said.
Don't give up on a Christmas miracle, Gretchen's words echoed in his mind. Chakotay snorted. In his experience, there were no such things as miracles, there was only hard work. The spirits of his people provided guidance and insight, but it was usually cryptic and difficult to understand. No, where he came from, there were no miracles. Still, he thought, as he looked up at the grey sky, could he hold out some hope that Kathryn might make it home as she had promised? He leaned on the porch railing, gripping it harder than necessary. Spirits, he missed her so much. He wasn't sure he had admitted that to himself until now. Please, just come home alive and in one piece, Kathryn.
He felt something cold on the back of his neck and looked up - the first small flakes of snow had begun to fall.
Feeling the chill start to seep into his bones, Chakotay slipped back inside. But he couldn't bring himself to go upstairs to bed quite yet. It was nearly 2400. He went into the kitchen and made himself a cup of tea, which he brought back to the living room, where he could watch the glimmering lights on the Christmas tree. They blurred and faded into memories of Christmases on Voyager, time with Kathryn, wishes for the future. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he heard the clock chime midnight. It's Christmas, he thought. And she's not here. It was the last coherent thought he managed before his eyes drifted closed and his mind flitted away to the land of nod.
"Chakotay? Chakotay!"
Chakotay didn't want to wake up from the dream he was having. Kathryn was there and it was Christmas, and everyone from Voyager was with them, even Neelix and Kes. "Mmph," he mumbled, trying to snuggle deeper into the couch.
"Chakotay, what are you doing here?"
His eyes snapped open. Leaning over him, snowflakes melting off the tip of her nose and in her hair, was Kathryn Janeway. "Kathryn?"
"Last time I checked."
He sat up abruptly. "Kathryn! What are you doing here?"
She smiled her crooked half smile. "This is my mother's house."
"I thought you were... I was worried that... I thought you..." Unable to find the words, he pulled her onto the couch and wrapped his arms around her. "You're here," he whispered into her cold, wet hair.
She nodded against him, trying to get a hold of her suddenly volatile emotions. "I told you I'd be home for Christmas, didn't I?"
He pulled her closer. "It's 0220. You're almost two and a half hours late."
"Sorry. The Romulans didn't know about Christmas; they couldn't understand why I was so anxious to leave."
He pulled back, taking her face between his hands and studying her carefully. "Romulans? Kathryn, are you all right?"
"I'm fine, Chakotay. I'm absolutely fine." She snuggled back into his warm embrace.
"Why are you covered in snow?" The cold flakes from her jacket were seeping through his sweater, but he didn't care.
"I had to walk from the transport site. It's snowing too hard for a hovercar. But I didn't mind. It's going to be a white Christmas. Just the way it's supposed to be."
"Let me make you some tea. You must be freezing."
He made to loosen his grip, but she held him tighter. "No," she whispered. "Just hold me."
"Okay." Chakotay smoothed one hand over her damp hair and rubbed small circles over her back. "Are you sure you're all right?"
"I'm sure. Oh, Chakotay, I missed you so much."
"I missed you, too."
Finally, she extricated herself from his grasp for long enough to remove her coat and then settle back beside him on the couch. "I have to admit, I didn't expect to find you here," she said as she snuggled back against him.
"I was a little surprised myself, but your mother insisted."
She laughed. "My mother can be very persuasive."
He turned his head towards her and nuzzled her hair. "I was so worried when I didn't hear from you."
"I'm sorry. We were cut off from subspace communication for a week, and then we had to maintain radio silence for security purposes."
"Will you tell me about it?"
She nodded against him. "I'll tell you what I can, but not tonight." She began to trace lazy circles on his knee with her fingertips. "Tonight I just want to enjoy being here with you."
"Me, too. It didn't seem like Christmas without you."
"I was worried for a while that I wasn't going to make it back in time."
"But you did."
"Yes, I did."
They sat in silence for a moment as Kathryn's fingertips continued to trace patterns on Chakotay's knee and up his thigh. "What made you send me that message, asking me to come home?"
"It was Seven, actually."
"Seven?"
"Yes. 'The frequency with which you mention Captain Janeway's name has increased over sixty percent as Christmas approaches.'" He delivered his best Seven of Nine imitation, and Janeway laughed. "Seven is seeing a very attractive and intelligent young lieutenant at Starfleet Command these days. She told me it was about time I face up to my feelings for you."
"Seven's a smart woman."
He placed a kiss on her forehead. "She had a good teacher." He caught her hand as it circled his knee again and wove his fingers through hers.
"So these feelings you're supposed to face up to... Care to elaborate?"
"Well, I missed you."
"You said that already."
"Let me finish."
"Okay, sorry."
"I'm nuts about you, Kathryn. I didn't realize I still felt that way until you went away. And then Christmas was coming, and I started to feel like there was this big, empty hole in my life. I guess... I guess you're the only one who can fill it, the only one I want to fill it." She had pulled back from him to look in his eyes while he spoke, and he saw tears glistening, just on the verge of becoming droplets that ran down her cheeks. He leaned forward, feathering butterfly kisses over her eyelids. "I don't want to spend Christmas without you, Kathryn, ever."
"I feel the same way," she whispered, taking his face between her hands and pressing her lips to his. Their first taste of each other was brief, but the sweetness whetted their palates for more, and Chakotay wrapped his arms around her and pressed his lips to hers again, for a kiss that was long and passionate. When they broke apart for air, she stood and tugged his hand. "Come to bed with me."
...
The next morning, Kathryn and Chakotay tiptoed down the stairs hand in hand. Gretchen was the first to spot them, and she gave her daughter an overjoyed hug. "Welcome home, Kathryn."
When the three of them emerged into the living room, Alex was looking at the starship model he had wanted, so engrossed that he didn't even notice his auntie. "Look!" he exclaimed. "Look! Santa came!"
"He sure did, Alex," agreed Chakotay. "Look what Santa brought for me."
"Auntie Kathryn!"
And then she was surrounded by her niece, nephew, sister and brother-in-law, all anxious for hugs. Chakotay hung back and watched, letting her enjoy her family, until she grabbed his hand and pulled him into the midst of the group. Soon Maia was clinging to his leg and Alex was asking him to sit on the floor with them to look at the model.
Chakotay caught Gretchen's eye amidst the chaos. She winked and made a vague gesture at the room, but he understood her meaning. This was Christmas.