He heard her footsteps in the doorway; gasping as she saw his predicament.
"I threw up."
He didn't know why he felt the need to clarify like she couldn't see it for herself. The cold sweat across his forehead plus his head dangling over the toilet could only mean so many things.
"God, I fucking hate Christmas."
"Nice, Jake, real nice. Say it louder, maybe the kids will hear."
"Maybe they're why I-" His stomach heaved the last of its contents into the bowl.
"What did you just say?"
"Nothing."
"Say it, Jacob. Finish the fucking sentence."
It was a dare. A trap. No way in hell was Jacob finishing that thought.
"I didn't mean it, Bella. You know I love them. But they go crazy at Christmas. The noise and the toys… I mean they leave them everywhere! And they're always so sticky, why are they always so sticky?" He flushed the toilet and gripped the edge of the sink, dragging his legs like an injured animal. He stuck his mouth under the facet and blasted the water. After gargling, he looked at her stern face and grinned.
"Remember our first Christmas? Our second? Our third?"
Her face softened. "Duh. Our third was the start of this mess. Nine months later and Charlie William arrived."
"Last year, I fell over his skateboard. The year before I fell asleep and Gia used her new princess cosmetics to give me an extreme makeover. Every time I step on one of Henry's Legos, I think I'm going to pee myself. This year, what, they've given me the flu?"
"You think it's any easier for me, Jake? I spent all day cooking a meal that took ten minutes to eat. From November to Christmas I have to decorate, shop, cook, bake, and gift-wrap, all on top of the other million things I do. Not to mention hiding stuff is harder because Chuck's starting to figure out a fat man can't fit down a chimney."
"That's different. You're tired. They like you. They're not actively trying to kill you."
Bella giggled at that; it was his favorite sound. When she'd laugh at something she felt she shouldn't. He'd made many inappropriate jokes in their early years; some of those jokes had landed him in the doghouse.
"Oh, c'mon, Gia couldn't 've known you'd have an allergic reaction to children's make-up! And you did look pretty before you started to swell-"
He decided later, he liked the giggle less when it was at his expense. "It's 'cause none of that shit's tested on animals anymore. That's why we test on animals. Why'd we stop doing that?"
"Wash the barf smell off, Jake. Get some rest. They'll be up early."
"Why do they do that? It's not like Santa will take it back."
"Daddy… Daddy, wake up!" Gia whispered. "Santa came, Daddy."
"Did he?" Jacob asked, lifting his heavy head.
Her little hand firmly wrapped over his and she set to tugging him out of bed.
He couldn't walk straight and the room kept spinning. His skin felt hot; the house cold. He needed to puke again but his princess needed him to help evaluate Santa's offerings.
The boys already started. They were little machines, ripping paper from box, box from gift. As quick as they destroyed, they assembled. Henry's newest Lego set was being dumped. Chuck had his RC out of the box and trying to fit the batteries. Gia grabbed a box with her name on it and dug in.
"I told you to get a flu shot."
Bella handed him a hot mug.
"I'd rather have natural immunities."
"Yeah, 'cause that's worked out so well for your people in the past."
He turned to look at her; too fast. He stumbled onto one of Henry's Lego's. The hot mug slipped from his hands as he tried to recover. Chuck's RC zoomed wildly, colliding with Jake's other foot…
Bella tried to catch him but it was too late. The three kids stared as their dad and tree crashed to the floor.
"Fuck, Jake, don't move honey, you're covered in broken glass."
She looked at the kids before going for cleaning supplies. Maybe they are trying to kill him.
Originally written for the Holiday Drabble Contest on FWAR,
but holiday madness ensued which leads me to the very obvious inspiration
for the story, the song "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch."
And Oh, dear God why does it come every year?