Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket
Not Necessarily
For skycloud94
Hatori could tell she hadn't been on many holidays. She was in absolute heaven for the entire time she had been there. She was so excited about seeing the ocean that she almost looked like a little child when she first laid eyes on it. Her eyes seemed to shine when she gazed at it for goodness how long. She ran towards the waves so fast it was as if the Devil was after her and she stayed there and let the waves tickle her feet and felt the warm sea air stroke her face. On the first morning that they woke up in the lodge they stayed in she jumped up so suddenly she almost fell out of the bed (if Hatori hadn't grabbed her in time she would have done). She skipped to the kitchen and made a big breakfast (she never made an effort about breakfast, she only made toast or cereal and that was the best Hatori got). She actually put her bikini on (which was the one thing she was nervous about before coming here) under a sundress and they set off towards the shore. Usually she treasured days when she could sleep in when Hatori always got up at the same time regardless of whether it was his day off (it was never to cause disruptions in the internal clock, it led to people thinking that they had insomnia when really it was unpredictable sleeping patterns). She glanced up at Hatori even now and then and smiled so happily. She was telling him with every look, thank you over and over again.
~ (***) ~
Shiraki should have been a romantic, not only because her parents owned a bookshop, not just because she specialized in literature but also because she had been single for so long. Single women who were into literature were always been as those who should be into the likes of Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte. Although she liked to surprise people and told them she was more into Japanese or American writers. Her mother was horrified by this (considering that she was a Jane Austen fan) whereas her father was overjoyed when his daughter began to read Haruki Murakami and F. Scott Fitzgerald. Although they were both equally concerned about her single status. They were always mentioning some family friends with single or divorced sons. Even the dogs dated her because they felt sorry for her for being single. Just as her parents did, she had a love for literature but that never necessarily meant that one was a romantic. There were some bookworms who only read Science Fiction novels. Others only read things by George Orwell. The list of different kinds of avid book readers or English Literature graduates was endless. It just meant that you were either a little more sophisticated than most people, which Shiraki was not (she was just sensible) or that you were a little bit of an introvert (which she probably was, despite being a teacher. Maybe just a little too serious and a little too sensible).
Maybe that was the reason why she fell in love with someone like Hatori. She needed someone sensible as much as her parents both needed someone who loved books as much as they both did. Then again she supposed a doctor needed to be sensible to a certain extent considering what they did for a living. He was consistently sensible within every situation, even outside of work. She never imagined that there could be someone who was more sensible or more reserved than she was. From growing up with her parents and with the parents she had as a teenager she felt like the only one in the world who was like her. People liked to call her an introvert but she also liked to think that she was just shy. Well maybe not shy, if she was shy she wouldn't become a teacher, she would probably stay with her parents and work in the shop all year round opposed to just during the holidays or on the odd weekend when they needed more help. Plus, she liked to think that her students stayed awake in her lessons and thought of her as a good, friendly teacher. After looking back at her old high school years and looking around still she felt that there wasn't enough teachers like that. She liked to push her students to their best potential (even Tohru Honda, who had top marks for effort but not necessarily for her actual marks).
It was just as well anyway. She had heard now that she didn't go on to university but went on pursuing her part time profession as a cleaner while her boyfriend, Kyo trained at several dojos. That couple at least had the one thing in common of no one who knew them being able to imagine them at university. Still, she couldn't imagine two people so far away from one another in terms of personality and temperament. She was gentle and sociable whereas he was the real introvert and knew from the several fights he had with his cousins that he could be a little aggressive (she had throw two buckets of water over them to calm them down). Maybe a little aggressive was a bit of an understatement. Then again, just because there were no similarities between two people wasn't necessarily an indicate as to whether the relationship would last. In some cases, opposites could attract, sometimes it was to make up for what the other lacked. It did make her wonder why they both stuck out high school so long. They might as well have dropped out but when she mentioned this Hatori explained it was expected of Hatori to finish high school and Tohru did it for her mother. Shiraki had been aware that Tohru had a young mother who died a few years ago but apparently the one thing she wanted to see her do was graduate since that was the one thing she had never been able to achieve herself.
She had to admire her for that at least. She always came across as the sort of person who always did things for others, even at her own expense, which wasn't a great trait to have but at the same time there was something wonderful about the same Tohru always baked things herself just as you walked through the door (Hatori and Shiraki visited them while they were in the area Kyo was currently training in). There was something refreshing about the way that she would wrap up something for the drive back home. That smile on her face was the kind of light up anyone' day. Shiraki almost had to question whether Kyo actually deserved her. The wonderful thing was that she was now dating someone in the Sohma family which meant that she was going to see her more often than she would have thought to. And not just her, there was also Yuki and Kyo as well. It was always a delight to see any student regularly or to stay in some contact with them. Sometimes she bumped into old students when she was shopping or at some annual festival. Now she was going to see them more often than that. The more and more she saw them the more she felt like she was part of a family. It was wonderful being with so many people as much as it was to just be with Hatori. Not that she already wasn't but she had been brought up an only child which made things lonely for her most of the time.
Sometimes she actually liked being alone with him. That was when she knew. When she thought about it all she could think was that she must have known all along. She must have known that this was what she always wanted. She enjoyed it just being her and Hatori. She liked being able to just sit there and not have to say anything. The picture of her and him sitting on opposite sides of the table in the early hours of the morning before going to work him reading a paper and her reading a book, perhaps glancing at one another once in a while and smiling at each other without having to say anything was the most perfect picture she could imagine representing her own happiness. She must have known it for a long time considering that she always felt attracted to him. She was so happy that she didn't want anything else. She didn't care if she couldn't have any more of her dreams. She didn't care if she couldn't have that solitude which she had grown so used to having, because in that time she always felt this emptiness, almost like you were hungry for something but there was nothing being presented to you which would be enough nor was it something which you needed. It was like finally finding water in the desert when you thought that you had already found some but turned out to be a mirage before.
After many months of dating Shiraki knew she had found 'the one'. If there was any such 'one'. Really she found the whole concept rather cruel. There was only ever one person which was going to be out there for you? What if he got run over by a truck or you didn't meet them until you were fifty? What if you didn't live to fifty? What if they were already married to someone else when you met them and you had to go through that long, agonising wait of them finally coming back to you? What then? It was a horrible, terrible lie to tell to thousands and thousands of girls. Not just because it was really irresponsible for them to believe that you had to wait for them, it was about finally finding someone who appreciated you and didn't want you to change a thing about you because you were perfect already, as you were. You got along, he or she made you laugh, made you feel better about yourself, maybe argued occasionally but only just because they cared about you. She wanted someone who understood her better than she understood herself. She wanted someone who she could be with for the rest of her life. She decided this moment that Hatori walked into the cafe on that warm, summer afternoon on a Saturday. Whenever she looked back on that memory in hindsight she would always love the fact that she was so precise about when it occurred when she never strayed anywhere near maths.
"Sorry I'm late." He greeted.
She smiled. She always loved this about Hatori, even if it was what she considered as his flaw. That was another sign for her that she loved. If you loved them even for their flaws there was no stopping it. He wasn't even remotely late. He just always thought that he was late. One thing she could state as a fault was that Hatori was overly polite. She wondered how he got by in a family like his own, especially with Shigure in it.
"It's alright. You're not."
He raised his eyebrows and looked at his watch. "Really? Are you sure?"
She reached over and touched him gently with a bright, perhaps even maternal smile on her face as if he was a child and she was a mother reassuring him that there was nothing wrong.
She nodded. "Yeah. I'm pretty sure. Maybe you should get that watched checked out."
He raised his eyebrow again only this time he had an expression on his face which indicated to either him thinking that she didn't know what she was talking about or that he was suspecting her of being cheeky.
"My watch runs just fine, thank you." He quipped.
She smirked. "I'm sure it does."
He looked away with a reflective look on his face. She liked it when it was like this again. She would sometimes wonder what it was he was thinking about sometimes but she knew better than to ask him what it was. He never asked her and sometimes she was glad of this. Sometimes it was nice to not have to let everyone, even those closest to you into your thoughts.
"How is everything with you?" He asked conversationally. "How are the students?"
She nodded. "They're all working hard. Haru and Momiji especially. I heard him at he recital the other day he's really gifted with the violin."
Hatori nodded. "He is. He wants to study it later on and become a professional. A little unorthodox for the family tradition but..." There was another pause again with the same look but then continued quickly. "In the recent years there have been breaks from family tradition."
"Well that's a good thing isn't it? To not just follow something because it's what is expected of you?"
He looked at her with the same reflective look on his face again only this time there was almost a hint of a smile there. It was almost like he had been surprised by what she had to say but at the same time he was glad that this was what she thought.
"I'm glad Haru and Momiji have such a wonderful teacher."
She smiled a little modestly, she never got that much praise around the school. She was either too assertive sometimes or too friendly with the students. She could never win.
She shrugged her shoulders. "There's really nothing to it."
Hatori frowned. "To what?"
She smiled, maybe a little mischievously. "To being a good teacher."
~ (***) ~
Hatori had never been a nervous man. He couldn't afford to be in his profession. He had to be the one to remain calm in order to refrain the patient from panicking. If the doctor seemed to give off a reason for the patient to be nervous then it was going to make the patient even more distressed. But he was meeting Shiraki's parents which gave him license for being at least a little nervous. He remembered when he first met Kana's parents and that was nerve racking. He knew now was going to be no different. The first impression more or less made the only impression that they would make of you so he knew he wasn't to mess this up for either of them. Shiraki had assured Hatori that they were pretty much laid back and that he had nothing to worry about. After all he had a decent job (Shigure), he had never hit her (boyfriend number 2) and she hadn't caught him doing anything sexually devious with another woman (boyfriend number 4). There was nothing for him to worry about since he was far from being any of those things. He was a doctor, with a good temper and never one to be seduced easily. He was the best thing which came along for her romantically in a long time. Or ever in fact. She walked in to see whether he was ready, she was putting in an earring, he was fastening his tie.
She smiled. "Come here." She said when she saw that he was having trouble.
She took hold of the tie and gently looped it through the hole and tightened it. She glanced up at him sometimes as she did it with an affectionate smile. For a moment, neither of them knew the other was thinking this, but both of them felt like they were married. That they weren't having a dinner with the parents but he was either it was the morning and he was going to work or they were going to a fancy dinner party.
"There we are, nothing to worry about." She said as she smoothed over his tie. He nodded wordlessly and reached over to him. "You'll be fine. They're going to love you."
He sighed again and nodded wordlessly and obediently as a seven-year-old child being asked to go to school when for some unspoken reason didn't want to go. She tilted her head and beamed at him for a moment before taking his hand and leading him to do the door at that moment there was a knock at the door and Hatori froze on the spot. They were here. He glanced at the clock and found that they were right on time.
Shiraki giggled at his nervousness and skipped to the door and Hatori heard her greet her parents. "Hey!"
"Hello Shira-chan."
"Hi Dad!"
"Darling how are you?"
"I'm good, Mother. Thank you."
Hatori snapped out of it and strode into the doorway. "Let me take your coats."
There was an uneasy silence when Shiraki's parents glanced up at him for a moment. Her mother was surprisingly short for the daughter that she had. She wasn't petite but Hatori found that she had her father's structure. Tall and lean. However she had her mother's looks and friendly face. Her mother was the first to smile and slip off her coat.
"Why thank you. Shiraki what a lovely young man you have."
"Yes very polite." Her husband concurred.
Hatori smiled pleasantly and waved off these compliments despite Shiraki giving him a look which told him 'I-told-you-so'.
"It's nothing. Just a good education in manners." He replied charmingly.
Her mother looked a little startled by this and turned to her husband. "My goodness."
Hatori blinked. "Is there something wrong, Miss Mayuko?"
She laughed. "No, my husband and I are just a little surprised for our Shiraki to finally find a wonderful boyfriend."
Hatori bowed slightly in thanks and turned to his girlfriend who seemed to be blushing uncontrollably and looking a little annoyed or embarrassed or both in the process. He could see why she rarely discussed her past boyfriends. She was getting enough grief from her parents (although Hatori couldn't imagine that it was that bad with how pleasant they were) for her to wait to hear his response. Some people just ended up with the wrong people on the way to finding the right person.
He wrapped an arm around her. "I wouldn't know about wonderful."
"Oh and you're so modest as well. How lovely..." Her mother beamed.
"I'm surprised Shiraki kept you hidden away for so long." Her father joked.
Hatori saw that the longer this went on the more discomforted Shiraki was going to be so he decided to move the conversation along. There was nothing worse than a post-meeting parents stress opposed to pre-meeting parents stress.
"Please don't be standing in the door way. We should go in."
The parents thanked him and followed his lead. "So Hatori what do you do? Shiraki has kind of kept us in the dark about your profession..."
Hatori glanced at her and saw she blushed a little. "Has she now? I'm a doctor."
"Oh my a doctor." Her mother shrilled.
They continued to grill him for the rest of the evening. When he said grill it was all meant in good intention so using that phrase was probably a little unfair. He just asked him five questions a second which Hatori was proud to say that he answered without any effort, since he was usually the one asking ten questions a second to a patient at first (which caused them to feel a little confused as to where to begin but it was good mental exercises for him to be in the hot seat. (Where were you brought up? Where abouts in Tokyo? Where did you go to school? Where did you study Medicine? Do you share a common interest of literature with Shiraki then? Oh, right, well do you have any hobbies? Oh you've been there? We've been dying to go, what's the weather like? That must have cost you a lot. Oh? Do you come from a rich family then? Oh my goodness you're a Sohma? Shiraki why didn't you tell us? Please forgive us, sir. No please, we're not scolding our Shiraki we just had no idea) and so on. They were chatty people but then again you had to be if you were to run a book shop. He had learned that her father was a previous university professor and met Shiraki's mother when she was a student. After he had grown tired of teaching oversea's he returned to Japan to be with her and they opened the shop together.
Shiraki giggled a little at the part of how they met. He glanced at her and gave her a little devious look as if to ask 'so-have-you-had-a-little-affair-with-a-student?'. However it was vague enough to be asking anything and she just narrowed her eyes in a very unimpressed manner as if she knew what he was thinking or whether she thought that he was thinking worse and squeezed her hand to tell her it was all meant in good humour. He had to admit he loved teasing her. He spent most of his years as a student being all serious and now he was behaving like a teenage boy (well according to Ayame and Shigure but he rarely paid any heed to their judgements). He could tell from the way that he looked at his wife that he loved her more than anything. He had to admit he liked to see that affection could last this long. It gave people around his age the confidence that it was possible for people to still be in love with one another for so long. With some couples you just knew that they were still together because there was no point going through the financial stress of divorce or because you merely didn't have the energy or the finances to have a mistress. When he saw cases such as these he made sure that he met someone he would never have to do that to so he wouldn't have to resort to such measures in order to be 'happy'. He took Shiraki's hand again and squeezed it during post-dinner drinks and smiled at her. She finally noticed the sensation of a grip around her fingers and turned to him with a little sparkle in her eyes.
~ (***) ~
They had a wonderful year after that. She had never felt so spoiled in her entire life. She knew she wasn't to feel like she had been spoiled and neither was she to enjoy it. She loved the whole time she had been with Hatori and by that point it had almost been two years. She had known people who had been together for only a few months and they were already driving each other crazy. Being with Hatori was like swimming through water except you weren't alone. You were there holding someone's hand through the process.
"You're rather quiet."
She turned to Hatori and blinked distractedly. "Yes. I...I was just...Well I wasn't thinking I suppose..."
Hatori chuckled. "I would be really interested in hearing what it was you were doing then."
"I wasn't really thinking about anything that's why I was kind of hesitant about saying that I was thinking."
"I see."
"I was just..."
What was she doing? Was she feeling everything more intensely than she did before? Like one of those people who lost one of the senses so the others were magnified. She just felt happy. Was this what it was like to feel alive? To be in the moment, to not care about the past or future but just be in the moment.
He took her hand. "I know."
~ (***) ~
He didn't propose to her on that day. She didn't expect him to either. She just knew it was the day when she would realise that everything as they actually were. There was almost something wonderful about that revelation. It was like she could now enjoy being with him as much as she could which was more than she could ever imagine being with another person. She didn't even know something like that was possible for her. She knew then that she had to wait and she was fine with that. She liked the waiting. It made every day which passed more thrilling. It made them more happy because she knew there was something wonderful at the end of it all. She preferred for it to go slowly like a good book well-read. She wanted the journey to be as enjoyable as the conclusion and what lied beyond that. She wanted it to happen in stages, maybe for it to be a little unexpected as well. She would find it too overwhelming for it to have come that quickly, after all they had only been dating for even less than a year at that point. That was too soon with the careers and the lives which they led. Yet she knew the more she waited the better the reward. It was not a good way to put it but there was no good to come of hurrying things along either. She was never the type to hurry someone along.
She was never that assertive. Her friends used to tell her in her early career as a girlfriend for her to be more assertive with her boyfriends. There was the odd occasion that she ended up with the 'bad boys' in the worst meaning of the phrase. Although she was always able to end it pretty quickly or that she found them with someone else when she walked in which was a pretty easy fix when she put on the act of understanding that they had found someone else better suited to them and just wanted them to be happy, when actually all she was thinking was 'bastardbastardbastard'. Soon she stopped attracting those kind of men full stop once she started giving off the slight aura of an aggressive manner, which she had to admit was partly true. The funny thing about the bad boys was that even though they were aggressive themselves they didn't like the idea of an aggressive girl. Plus, when she had seen her other friends pressuring their boyfriends into marrying them or their husbands into having a new baby or taking that promotion it was just embarrassing to watch. She sometimes wondered whether they were aware of the fact that it wasn't exactly attractive to be having public arguments which were also displays of an unlucky man with a pushy significant other. Shiraki always found that she had be the one to ask for the bill from the waiter so that the rest of the staff and customers could be put out of their misery.
There was another day which she remembered. Something which most people would have thought would be considered very small and trivial. Although to her it was something which was so colossal to their relationship and also acted as a confirmation for something which she had been waiting for for a long time. When you were in a relationship you were always waiting for the answer to the 'What if...' or 'Does he...' question. People like Hatori weren't emotional people. They didn't make great declarations of love she was only able to know through looks. But when she said know sometimes she felt like she was guessing. She was supposing there was no real basis of fact or certainty in her conclusion. All she could were these little things which happened. They were all like little pieces which made up the whole puzzle. They were all the confirmation she could get from him. It was what you did when you were looking back on how it all lead to that momentous event in your life. She was sure this was what happened. It was the things which people did which was the true reflection of who and what they were. You over-analysed and you thought and categorized and then finally decided that this was what happened to you and why and how it happened to you.
She was in her parents book shop on a weekend. It was a day when anything could have happened. When nothing could have happened. An ordinary day until it all happened. Days like that were amazing weren't they? They were so amazing because they were so unexpected but at the same time you knew that those things which occurred were actually possible. The little complexity, the contradictions but the truth in that little paradox was wonderful. Hatori was away on a conference and she was going to help out since she had nothing better to do. She enjoyed spending time with her parents, she liked working with them and if she didn't have the teaching job she would be there but she loved teaching too much. Her friends had children now or had jobs which took up their entire week. Or there were other things which they had to do. They didn't have time to spend with their not-so single but unmarried friend with a serious boyfriend who even unnerved the friend with an expressionless office worker husband. Or she was sure that he worked in an office. She was shelving some new books which had come in when she felt someone's breath on the back on her neck. She spun round and found Hatori staring down at her. He was a pretty tall guy even if she was a pretty tall girl. There was that faint smile on his face which she never knew the meaning of. There was something mysterious and familiar about it.
"I thought you were at a conference." She greeted.
It wasn't the most romantic greeting but neither one of them were romantics. Plus it was something which aroused suspicion but then again Hatori was never the type to turn around and jokingly ask after her secret boyfriend either. He was never the type to play games or intentionally hurt.
"I was, I was going to stay there a little longer after it but..." He paused.
He always paused. There was something in his mind he considered saying but she always had a feeling that he never said it.
"It's a place best appreciated when you're not alone."
She smiled now. She loved him for saying that. There was nothing dramatic about. There was nothing Jane Austen-y (to her mind) about what he said but there was something...not romantic but loving about what he said to her.
"It's good to see you." She said finally.
She was really happy to see him actually. She didn't realise how much she had missed him and it was only a few days ago since they last saw one another.
He smirked. "Very good...You're getting better to saying hello."
She frowned. "I don't say 'hello'?"
He shook his head. "No. It's sometimes, 'how are you?' or 'I like your tie', it's comments usually. This isn't a complaint or a criticism, it's an observation." He added a little quickly for him.
"A compliment?" She teased.
He thought about this for a moment. Or he seemed to be thinking about whether this could be a compliment for her. This was one of the other signs or pieces of evidence of Hatori's lack of a love life. In fact she thought that he was the only person she knew with one more dismal than her own.
"Yes." He finally decided.
She giggled. "Alright then. Instead of greetings I make comments. I like that. It tops all the others I've had in the past."
She was being honest there as well. The best she got out of the the ghosts of her past ex-terrible boyfriends was 'great legs'. Not that it was an insult but it didn't inspire confidence.
He shrugged his shoulders. "Well you never dated a doctor. We're all stranger than we seem."
She burst out laughing then. She didn't know why but she couldn't stop laughing as much as the time when he couldn't when she was stressing about wearing a bikini.
"Are you alright, Shiraki?" He asked with a worried expression on his face.
She nodded. "Yes. Yes, I'm fine. You just...You make me laugh."
A relieved smile rested on his face. "I'm glad I make you laugh."
She looked up at him as if she was about to cry. She was glad that he could make her cry. He almost seemed to notice this too and the smile slowly began to fade away so she reached out and touched him on the shoulder. It was almost like she was pushing him away, not away from her but from this thought, this fear of making her sad when she wasn't. She wasn't at all sad, far from it. This was a reassurance technique apparently and it seemed to work for the moment. She was telling him that it was okay that he was making her cry. Sometimes people forgot that people cried when they were so happy that they couldn't take it all in so they had to let some of it out. People did cry when they were happy that it was real, that it was possible to be loved or to even be happy. She gripped onto his arm a little more then moved a little closer until she was leaning on him, leaning against him. Then he wrapped his arms around her and she brushed her fingers across his back and laid her head in the crook of his neck. She felt moulded into him. She felt like she was a part of him, so much of a part him that she knew now. She knew for certain that he loved her. It had been at least a year until she realised that she loved him. She got a few snippets of his thoughts and feelings but she was never really sure. Now that she was finally certain of it she felt like she had released something black and horrible inside her and sometimes it was hard to let those things go.
"Thank you." She whispered.
He brushed his fingers through her hair like a parent reassuring an upset child. She remembered her mother doing that when she was upset when she was little.
"You're welcome."
~ (***) ~
Hatori squeezed her hand. "You'll be fine."
"I'm not nervous." She quipped.
He smirked and looked away as if he was unconvinced. Somehow he could come to the conclusion that she was nervous at meeting one of his long-lost cousins.
"What makes you think I'm nervous?" She comically fumed.
She wasn't getting mad at him, it was almost her mantra at the moment. She was not mad, she was not mad, she was not mad...
"You tried on three different outfits and finally settled with the first when I actually told you you looked fine as you were."
She rolled her eyes. Hatori was always endlessly telling her how she was always fine as she was. That she was beautiful or perfect as she was. She found it a little tiring after three years of being with someone like that. Not tiring, surprising that he was still content with how things were, of how she was...
"Well I am meeting your family." She reasoned.
He chuckled. "You've met my family."
"Well I haven't met- um...What was her name again?"
She felt awful about her forgetting her name even though this was something which had been mention almost every five seconds by a Sohma for the past few months. This was the most exciting thing which had happened since the birth of Izumi after all.
"Rosalie Laurent."
"Rosalie Laurent." She muttered to herself. "It's a lovely name. Very French."
Very French. Beautiful name, possibly for a beautiful, perfect girl. This was why she was worried. Just the thought of the girl sent shivers down her spine. She didn't want to think of it. She didn't want to think about her. She didn't know her and she lived be a rule that she shouldn't judge a person before she met them but she was still worried about the one thing that she had always feared. She always feared that the moment she allowed herself to be too happy that before she even realised it, it would be all taken away from her. She might be extremely sophisticated. She might be fashionable, icy but able to draw men to her like bees to honey. The French stereotype was perfect for Hatori. He could have imagined him with a French woman. That was why she was nervous. After all, being a cousin wasn't something to put him off. He was once engaged to Kana and she was a distant cousin of his. She was just worried that after all this time they had been together that he might soon go off her.
"Well surprisingly she is French." He joked but then frowned. "Or I think she is..."
Well at least that was the saving grace. He didn't even know whether she was French as well. The moment he replied she felt like she had made a big fool of herself but then she was reminded of the fact that the man standing next to her, as perfect as he was wasn't without his flaws. And she loved his flaws. She loved the fact that sometimes he found himself a little dumbfounded. She loved the expression on his face when he was surprised or confused. He was like a little boy she wanted to make cookies and milk for. She pressed her lips together and turned back to the road, (even though she wasn't driving) and tried to put it all out of her mind. She tried to think of how imperfect Mr Darcy was, or Rochester or Jay Gatsby and Daisy Buchanan. No one in love stories were perfect because when people were being pulled through it you never came out in one piece and that was because their flaws and strengths were being pulled out under the rug and when someone else saw all of that it completely transformed and sometimes they lost some flaws and found new strengths. He drove through the gates and swiftly turned off the engine, got out the car and opened the door for her even before she turned to open it. He held out a hand which she took with a sigh and put her arm through his.
"You look beautiful." He assured her.
She raised her eyebrow and walked through with him. They could even hear the racket before they were even in the room. The Sohma's, she soon found out, liked to party when they threw one. She recall being a little drunk after she left one.
"Ah Hatori! Come to my rescue!" Shigure cried waving his arms in the air.
She stepped back at little with a startled look on her face. Sometimes she wondered why she dated him let alone why someone as stoney faced as Akito was living with him. Sometime one required almost too much energy which was possible to store to put up with him for an hour.
"What idiotic thing have you done now?" Hatori replied in a bored tone.
"Hatori, I didn't do anything that bad." Shigure moaned in a childish fashion.
Akito had now joined her partner and rubbed his arm. "You always do, dear." She replied, making him moan even more.
She smiled and looked around the room to find most of her ex-students from the Sohma family sitting there. Tohru's face lit up at her appearance.
"Sensei!"
Shiraki smiled uncertainly. "Hello Tohru. How are you? I hear your travelling with Kyo."
She didn't know why she said this or phrased the sentence in this way. She had always been travelling with Kyo.
Tohru placed a hand on Kyo's shoulder and nodded. "It's wonderful. Kyo's doing really well."
"I'm glad, but what about you?"
"Oh I got a job at a zoo nearby. I introduce the penguin show." She replied brightly.
Shiraki nodded and tried to smile as enthusiastically as she possibly could. Well, we can't have it all...
~ (***) ~
Williams words still haunted him as he walked through the door of Shiraki's home. Sometimes he went to her house after work and sometimes she went to his house after she had finished at school. When he had spare time he even found himself marking some of her tests or essays (a little more harshly than her). They had their own separate homes since they hadn't moved in together yet. They had the keys to each others houses which they believed to be a big enough step as it is. They could just go into each others houses without the other knowing. Although the worst that Hatori could do was clean her house a little (he was a bit of a neat freak) and then there was Shiraki who would probably make a mess of the kitchen. When Hatori walked through the door he looked exhausted. Shiraki could tell when he was trying to hide the fact that all the events in a day completely drained him of his energy. They both found it a little more sensible that the only time they should do that is when they were engaged. That seemed logical to her. She had heard horror stories of couples she knew who lived with one another and when they broke up with was worse than when people were moving out after a divorce. None of them wanted to go through that in case something bad happened.
She touched him on the cheek and tilted her head. "Are you alright?" He nodded. "What happened?"
He sighed. He wished he hadn't sighed because soon after he received a not-so-impressed look from her for doing so. He knew she found it insensitive of him to display his annoyance or tiredness at her behaviour which was very well-intentioned but he didn't want to talk about it. He knew the risks of talking to her about it. He hated how she always knew or how she never gave up on him. She always wanted to know if everything was alright. She was always the one who wanted to look after him rather than letting him look after her. If it wasn't alright she would want to talk it out or try to make him feel better. She always had to make sure that he was okay, that he was safe and to make sure that he was the one who felt loved. It wasn't that he wasn't grateful it just made him feel guilty for his lack of effort or contribution to the relationship. When was it when he made her feel safe? He appreciated the thought but he always had to wonder whether she had any problems or concerns of her own because she spent so much time worrying about him or someone else rather than herself. She always wanted to keep everyone safe. Who was going to be the one to keep her safe? She had been so independent that she rarely thought of herself. She hadn't been able to let someone else look after her. That's what he wanted more than anything. He just wanted to look after Shiraki.
"Just something about work." He dismissed as he sat down.
"Oh. Is someone ill? Sorry. That was a bit of stupid thing to ask. Of course they are. You're a doctor." She chatted nervously.
He shook his head. "No it's not a stupid question. It was..."
He glanced at her again and wondered whether it would be wise to mention it to her. When you told your girlfriend of three years that someone had come in asking him for relationship advice due to the fact that he had past experience of it didn't exactly inspire confidence. Also it made her launch into the topic as well. Well, Shiraki had never talked about it but he she thought about it.
"Well it was more of an emotional...problem rather than a physical one. You would be amazed how much stress and mental distress can affect the body." He added rubbing his eyes tiredly.
She shook her head. "No. I'm not. I know I get it sometimes. I always tend to get a cold when I'm stressed and its because my immune system is down during the busiest periods of the school year."
He patted her knee. "And that is why I am always making you soup and giving you vitamins."
It was true, it was basic survival techniques for teachers through the examination period. After dating a teacher for three years he finally saw how stressful it actually was. There was nothing like seeing the reality of the situation. Even before dating Shiraki he had a pretty good idea of how terrible it was. Not just for the students but for the teachers as well. She smiled appreciatively and pecked him on the lips. There was something very fleeting in passion about the gesture but it was something, along with everything else that she did for him, well meant. She was about to drift away back into her seat but he held her firmly around the arm for a moment. He didn't know why he was more passionate, why she wasn't more passionate. Maybe that was why they were both so afraid of moving forward. They were so afraid of just letting go for a little while yet that was because they were afraid of letting themselves go to the point of making them vulnerable, to the place of no turning back rather than no return at all. They both had their hearts broken and it was hard finding your way back after that. He didn't know why but he just wanted to stay here, in the moment, just for a little longer. He wanted to achieve the impossible by doing so. He would go to the place where the impossible was possible, for her. He didn't want to be as self-pitying as William because he wasn't brave enough to love the woman he loved more than anything.
"Hatori?" He blinked and let her go. She sank back into her chair still staring at him. "What is it?"
"Um...Well what they told me today it was. Well I suppose I am still...thinking about it. It was...well it put something into perspective for me. Or more he was thinking about my...situation in comparison to a similar one of his own and it's...its unsettled me."
"Well what was it?"
A great silence fell upon them moments after he did not answer her. He was just as silent as he always was. When he didn't know how to answer someone he simply told them that or alluded the vagueness of certainty. Whereas with Shiraki, you had to tell her the truth. She could see right through you sometimes and on those times you knew better than to lie to her. She would not give up until she had the truth. It was something he admired her for but it made it difficult for him to hide away the painful secrets he didn't want her to know. He was glad that she never asked about Kana. She knew that was his business and no one else's. He trusted that she had never spoken to Kana about it either. He knew the moment he would tell her he would regret it. He didn't want to fill her with all that doubt when she had it for so long weighing her down on her shoulders. He didn't want them to fall apart because he was paranoid or because he was having second thoughts. He would never forgive himself for such a thing. He didn't want to be the one to break it apart. After all, he was the one who broke apart the love he had for Kana and he wasn't willing to do that to Shiraki. This time round he wouldn't be able to wipe away those painful memories. Hers would always remain.
He took in a deep breath. "He said that...He..."
He stopped. He took a moment to collect himself again. He had to find a way to tell her this without breaking her heart. He would never want to do that to her. The worst way of breaking someone's heart was not breaking their heart and then leaving them to pick up the pieces. It was when you stayed even after and you were there watching them from a distance and not willing to go over and help them. He glanced at her again and almost made it clear that he wasn't going to continue his sentence or the topic full stop.
"Why won't you tell me?" She asked quietly.
She didn't sound petty or dramatically sad. Her voice was firm and determined. He always thought that she should have been a lawyer but she loved her literature too much to do something as logical as that. She was sensible but she liked to shelter in something which distanced itself from reality somewhat. He wasn't saying that fiction had no basis in reality it was just something which never happened. She still cared about the characters as if they were real (which he teased her about sometimes) but sometimes it could be a recognition of empathy between reader and writer.
"I...I just don't want to hurt you." He admitted.
"You don't think you're hurting me now by not telling me? By treating my like a china doll or a child? I'm stronger than that and you know it, Hatori." She protested.
Hatori was shaking now. He wanted to hit something. He wanted to hit the wall. He may have even hit Shigure or Ayame if they were there (they were always of good use for emotional punching bags). He wanted to just let that anger out. He wanted to let go but he wanted to let go with her and she wasn't willing to do that. She wasn't willing to trust him enough to tell her when he was ready to tell her. It was almost like she wanted him to hurt her. She felt like she had something to prove when she didn't.
"I know." He said softly. "But did it ever occur to you that I'm not telling you this because I love you?"
She sighed. "I thought the whole point of loving someone is to tell them the truth no matter what."
"What if you never forget? What would happen if you never forgave me? What would happen then?"
~ (***) ~
The next memory, or the next development of this love affair was at the lake. The Sohma's all decided to go to the lake after the whole episode with Rosalie. Apparently she missed seeing the ocean or seeing water so they went to one of the favourite places her mother went to while she was still alive. She glanced at her and saw her walking along the lake with Momiji. She had her arm entwined within his and she rested her head against his shoulder. She was leaning on him rather than using the crutches the hospital had given her, Haru was using it to play with his daughter, Izumi. The 21-month-old child stretched her arms above her head and he lowered it so she could throw herself over the pole and slowly lifted it again until she was on her feet. Everyone clapped once she was standing whereas she looked a little exhausted from the whole performance already and her mother knelt behind her so that in case she fell she had someone to catch her. She glanced at Hatori as the thought occurred to her. When were they going to married? When were they going to start having children. She wasn't getting any younger. She was thirty-one now and she had been with her boyfriend for four and half years.
"Is there something on your mind?"
She looked up and saw Hatori staring at her with a little concern. She gulped and glanced down at the ground.
"I was just thinking..."
She stopped knowing she didn't want to say any more. Then she realised...She remembered from all those months ago when Hatori walked in from work and refused to tell her what was wrong because he was scared of hurting her. Now the positions were reversed and she was not only afraid of hurting him she was afraid of breaking everything. She didn't want to ruin everything that they had or stop what they could have from happening because she was scared it was never going to happen. Yet she was afraid that if she didn't say anything it would never happen at all.
"I'm just thinking about us." She said finally.
There was no going back now. There was no way she would be able to take back her words. She couldn't catch them in the air and throw them behind her and make him forget about what just happened. She couldn't hide it any more. She wasn't unhappy but she felt like she was being hindered from the greatest happiness of all. None of them were married yet. Not yet, but soon someone would finally be brave enough to take that next step.
He smiled and asked, "Can you be more specific than that?"
She raised her hands and sighed. "I'm...I don't want to seem like I'm being pushy here and I'll all for modern relationships and if people just want to be together and maybe have a child outside the constitution of a marriage that is fine. I just want to know where we are going because I have been living in the moment for the past four and half years and I have been happy but suddenly I beginning to wonder whether there is something other than this which could be round the next corner or I don't even is there something I should know about."
When she stopped she finally looked back at him (since she wasn't looking at him at all during this rant let alone in the eye) and saw that his shoulders were jumping up and down. She narrowed her eyes and saw that he was actually laughing which just made her even more mad than she already was.
"What is it? Was it something I said?" When he wouldn't stop she rolled her eyes and got up. "I'm going for a walk."
He suddenly stopped laughing and grabbed her by the arm. "Sit down."
It almost sounded a little like a command. He wasn't even slightly amused. He was dead serious. She looked at him and saw that he wasn't joking around any more. She settled back in her seat and waited for him to speak.
"I was only laughing because suddenly you sounded very serious."
"I am serious." She replied sounding very non-plused.
"No. You're sensible not serious. There is a difference."
She shrugged her shoulders. "Fine."
"Second, I don't think you realise this but sometimes you can be a little intimidating."
"I have never pressured you into anything or even into having this conversation until now-"
"Exactly."
She stared at him. She didn't understand and she didn't have to wait around for long for her to wonder what he was getting at.
"You have given off this aura of never wanting to get married, never wanting to have children and I have learned to accept that. So it was more out of surprise for me to react like that. If I had known..." He glanced at Izumi and then at Haru and Ren then back at her. "We would be..."
"Living in the same house?"
He tilted his head. "Ideally."
She could see where this was going now. She felt her heart racing and her eyes were watering up. She really hoped that he couldn't tell that she was about to cry. She would hate to go sentimental at this point. She was not a romantic. She was not a romantic. She was a cold-hearted cynic of all this kind of stuff down to the core of her dead soul.
She smiled. "Um...carrying around a ring around your finger for the next few decades?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "If you'd like."
"With a couple of kids?"
He nodded. "Maybe."
She looked at him a little suspiciously. "White picket fence?"
He narrowed his eyes. "Not necessarily."