TITLE: Reminders
RATED: PG
A/N: To my California-bound family. I am writing this 24 hours after I said good-bye to you. I love and miss you, all of you. To L.A.: Thank you for making me laugh, 'big brother.' To K.L.A: Its been fun and awsome spending so much time with you! Thanks for teaching me to be confident with all those around me! To A.A.: When you can read this, please try to remember how much fun we had. Take care of Cujo for me! and finally to D. A.: Give 'em hell, Squishy! And remember 'Its time to Chill-ax!'
I passed our favorite coffee shop today. Almost stopped in...but its just too damn soon. After a year with the same three or four people, I guess I'm used to things in a certain order every day. No matter how screwed up things got, I had that one thing every morning I could count on to start my day with my 'family.'
Now they left.
Everything changed.
I see them everywhere. I see her at the mall where we had a cup of hot chocolate last Friday after I got stranded. I see him when I pass by his old office. I have their pictures around my home. I can sometimes almost hear them when I imagine hard enough. I try, but its getting harder and harder.
Its been 24 hours since The Big Good-bye. We said goodbye and I went into my home and sat on my bed. I didn't wait for them to drive away, or wave at them as they stepped into the car. It was too hard. I needed to be the one to walk away this time. Everyone important to me has walked out; my parents, my friends, everyone I love. They wouldn't do that. I did it first. It hurts more every time I lose someone. I lost four this time. While I understand this is what is best for them, I can't help but feel loss. I didn't let them see me cry. No one gets that. I cry alone. I cry and then I close the world away from me.
I think if I just don't let anyone get close, then leaving won't hurt.
Failure; I let them get way too close. They will always be family to me. And I hate them for leaving me here alone. I love them for being my friends, and for making my life actually NOT suck for the last 2 years. I love them because they are wonderful, caring people who loved me.
He drove me up the wall, but made me laugh when he did it! No one could make me laugh the way he did; with sarcasm, and wit. She made me feel like an equal. Its hard to be equal these days. Everyone either works for you or you for them. We were equal.
And now they're gone.
Now I feel no love, no hate, no joy, and no sorrow.
Its been 24 hours since I felt anything.
Just numb.