Title: Always
By: Chen
Feedback: Feed the poor writer back!
Disclaimer: All belong to ME (Grr! Argh!), not to me.
A/N: This is a short one for Chris, who reminded me it's not all about angst.
***
"When did you know you loved me?"
Buffy looked at her lover who was staring intently at her. He had asked the same question before and she had just laughed and kissed him. She didn't want to lie to Spike, but at the same time didn't want to tell him the truth. How could she tell him she had loved him for much longer than any of them could have suspected? The truth was she had fallen in love with him even before Willow's spell. She had not admitted to it then, just as she had refused to face it even after her dreams started being plagued by his blue eyes.
When had she fallen in love with him? She didn't know when it had happened. Before he had declared himself to her – that much she knew. Buffy knew something was going on when her trust of him didn't waver after he had tied her up. She had been furious – incredibly so. Looking back at it she now understood that her rage came from the fear of her feelings for him. As long as it was some dark and secret fantasy that she could indulge in at night, but with no inkling of hope in the real world, she had been safe. He hated her – he was a vampire. Having his feelings for her thrust upon her made everything so much harder. Yes, she had been furious at him for loving her and by doing that, opening the door of hope to that part of her who refused to not love the vampire.
His blue eyes and his twisted sense of honor. His strength and his intelligence. His amazing loyal heart and the way he could always see into her own. So many things that got harder and harder to ignore as time passed by. It had been hell to resist him and she finally had the excuse for not fighting it any longer, she had felt so free. Finally free to touch him, kiss him and make him hers. It had been paradise, but... Always being ever so careful not to let anybody know how she really felt. She had been a fool to be so scared. That fear had festered, eating everything inside and making everything ugly.
She had been poisoned by it to the point of trying so hard to destroy the only true thing in her life. Buffy still felt the pain at the memory of what she had done to him then. How could she had been so cruel to the one she loved so much?
She had been afraid to lose him. Afraid of loving someone who, more than the others, would destroy her if he ever decided to leave.
Buffy got up and walked over to Spike embracing him tightly. With love shinning in her eyes she cupped his face in her hands and finally answered his question, "Always."
The End