Apologies to those of you wanting more of my R&I story. I'm just not feeling the love lately. So, here's what too much whiskey and relationship issues have created.
WARNING: this story deals with suicide and self-injury. MAY BE TRIGGERING so read at your own risk.
NOTE: I don't like it when whole sections are in italics or whatever, so flashbacks will be obviously marked at beginning and end, but won't be italicized.
1. A prologue of sorts
I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry.
The words still echoed in JJ's mind, even as she put a smile on her face and exited the bathroom. Will was just waking up, a drunken grin appearing on his face when he saw his bride. JJ knew he wasn't actually drunk – not yet anyway – but his grin always made him look drunk. Her smile never did, even when she was drinking. Her smile made her whole face light up, made the whole room light up.
JJ shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts. She was comparing them again. No matter how hard she tried, she kept thinking about how this ridiculous honeymoon would be different if it was with her.
I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry.
JJ felt a lump in her throat choking her as the words echoed again. She swallowed hard, trying to keep the tears in her eyes from overflowing. Feeling Will's arms wrap around her, she shuddered away from him instinctually.
"What's wrong, chere?" he asked, his breath still smelling like vinegar and beer.
"Nothing's wrong, Will," she responded, forcing herself to lean backwards into his embrace. "I'm just a little cold." She hoped he believed the bare-faced lie.
"Well then let me warm you up, babe," his voice lowered, as if he was trying to sound sexy.
Of course he believed me, JJ thought. But she wouldn't have. She would have known. She always knew. JJ felt a sudden jab at the small of her back and knew he was aroused. It was his usual response to her, regardless of her emotional state.
"Will, I –" she began, but was cut off when he quickly spun her around and pressed his lips against hers harshly. Her lips were soft, gentle. Her lips were –
I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry.
JJ pushed Will's shoulders back as the words tore through her mind again. She pulled out of his arms and ran to the bathroom, slamming the door behind her so he wouldn't hear her sobs. Tears ran freely from her eyes, and and her throat closed up. She coughed, trying to catch her breath, hands scratching at her neck, her chest.
I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry.
JJ leaned over the porcelain seat, her stomach heaving, bringing up everything she had tried to eat yesterday. And more. The bitter taste stung her throat as she coughed up the clear liquid called – JJ didn't remember. She would have known. She always knew. Tears welled up in JJ's eyes again, this time softly, regretfully.
I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry.
No, Em, I'm the sorry one, JJ thought. I should have done things differently, I just… She sighed, remembering the hurt look on Emily's face when Will announced their engagement, the anguished tone of her voice as she said congratulations, the hitch in her breath as she hugged JJ before surreptitiously slipping out of the room. I didn't even notice she was gone. What kind of friend does that make me? What kind of…whatever we were…
JJ's thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the bathroom door. She didn't know how long she had been sitting there crying, but the sound jarred her.
"JJ, are you still upset about last night?" she heard Will ask through the door.
Last night? Oh, he must mean our argument about having kids. "No, Will, I'm not upset about last night," JJ answered, hoping her voice didn't betray just how upset she really was – about the emails she had received this morning.
I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry.
Another sob ripped through JJ's body.
"Tell me what's going on, then, chere." He sounded worried, and JJ heard his hand turning the doorknob slowly, then repeatedly as he realized it was locked. "Let me in, JJ," he demanded.
"Will, damnit! Just give me a minute!" she replied, raising her voice in anger at his tone.
"Alright, JJ," he backed off. "I'll be here when you're ready."
JJ fell to her knees, sobbing again. I'm sorry, Em, I'm so sorry.
x-x
Will pressed his ear to the door and heard his new wife crying again. He sighed. He knew she was disappointed when Emily left the party without saying goodbye, but that was two days ago. Damn woman almost ruined my wedding night, but I'll be damned if she ruins my honeymoon, he thought, his beady eyes narrowing further. If she had anything to do with this, I'll kill her.
Still hearing his wife crying, Will crept over to her purse and took out her phone. As soon as the screen lit up, he saw that an email from her was open. He read to himself, "I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry." What the hell is that supposed to mean? he wondered.
Will took a quick look at the bathroom door, checking to make sure that his wife was still locked inside. Shaking his head, he thought, I should have stopped her from seeing that bitch a long time ago.
He navigated through his wife's emails until he found one from Garcia; he could hear her frantic and annoying voice even through the text. "Hey sweetpea, Emily just told us that she's leaving the team and moving to London! She's going back to Interpol! Did you know? We'll talk when you get back! And don't forget I want details about the honeymoon!"
That fucking bitch! This IS about her! She's MY wife, damnit! Will's own audible growl brought him out of his angry reverie. He quickly replaced his wife's phone and sat on the bed, trying to figure out how he was going to take his wife's mind off of her.
x-x
I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry.
As soon as she pressed the send button, Emily felt a tear escape her eye. She was sitting in first class on her way to London already. She knew that if she waited to say goodbye to JJ in person that she wouldn't be able to leave. And so, despite Garcia's protests, she was leaving. Within two days, she had packed up her life and watched as it was placed on the shipping company's truck, soon to be placed on a ship to be delivered to her new address. She had resigned from the FBI and informed her mother, the Ambassador. And here she was on a plane, trying not to cry, as she left a woman who had never wanted her in the first place. Sending a pathetically incomplete goodbye email in a poor attempt to feel less guilty, knowing that Garcia wouldn't wait until after JJ's honeymoon to tell her that she had left.
Emily sighed heavily, leaning her head on the window and staring out at the clouds. Her mind drifted back to the day JJ had first kissed her. It was not too long after she joined the BAU, and they had been stuck in a hotel room, having danced around their clear attraction to each other for months….
x-BEGIN FLASHBACK-x
"I can't believe it!" JJ stormed in the door, slamming it behind her.
"Can't believe what?" Emily asked, looking up from her book. She had been laying on the bed, her head and shoulders propped up with pillows, as she leisurely re-read Slaughterhouse Five.
"They closed the airport!" JJ replied. "We're stuck here until at least tomorrow!" JJ paced back and forth in the small space between the bed and the wall.
"Ok, that sucks, but why are you so agitated?" Emily spoke softly, concerned about the blonde that she had fallen for on the first day they had met.
JJ growled wordlessly, leaning her head face-first on the wall.
"You can talk to me, Jay," Emily encouraged, the shortened version of the name falling easily from her lips, though she had never before said it out loud. She placed her book on the night stand next to her, focusing all of her attention on the oddly distraught blonde.
JJ sighed audibly, then laid down next to Emily on the only bed in the room they shared. "I had a spa day scheduled tomorrow."
Emily tried to keep the smile off of her face. "That's why you're so upset?"
"There was going to be a special clay bath and a massage with aromatic oils and a manicure and pedicure and it was going to be soooo relaxing! And best of all, it was going to be a full day away from the unsubs and the paperwork! The endless paperwork!" JJ heard a soft cough-like sound and looked over at Emily, who was biting her lip. "Are you laughing at me?" she demanded.
"Of course not, JJ," Emily began, the laughter bubbling out of her, "but you have to admit, the situation is rather amusing."
JJ blushed, turning her face away from the brunette. "Ok, I know it seems silly, but I was really looking forward to it," she tried to rationalize her behavior.
Emily took pity on the disappointed woman that she had fallen for way too easily. "Well, I can't really help with the clay thing, but I think we can figure out the rest of it."
JJ raised her head up, a hopeful glint in her eyes. "Really?"
"Really," Emily replied, standing up and walking to the bathroom, followed by JJ's confused eyes.
The claw-footed bathtub fit the small hotel's old fashioned motif perfectly, and Emily started the hot water running before finding the stopper to fill the tub. She looked through the small bottles of toiletries provided by the hotel, and chose the bubble bath that smelled most like JJ. She placed two towels on the radiator to warm up while JJ was relaxing.
Exiting the bathroom, she said, "Your bath awaits, my lady." She bowed, gesturing to the open bathroom door.
JJ gave Emily a strange look. "Are you serious, Em?"
Emily felt her insides clench, the way they always did when JJ used her nickname. "Yes. Go relax and enjoy. I'll be back in a bit," she replied, pulling on her boots and grabbing her wallet as she left the room.
Downstairs in the lobby, Emily convinced the bored desk clerk to help her, which wasn't difficult, and the two of them managed to find two 'morrocan spice' scented candles (only half burned) and a random travel-sized bottle of baby oil (still sealed, thankfully). The lost-and-found was indeed a wonderfully useful thing. The desk clerk also happened to have some dark purple nail polish that she willingly donated to the cause. Emily's own scarcely-used, cinnamon-scented hand lotion and nail file would complete the necessities.
Smiling, Emily brought her treasures upstairs and quietly entered the room. Luckily, JJ was still in the bathtub, so Emily set up the candles, dimmed the lights, and mixed enough baby oil into the bottle of lotion to make it the right consistency. She knocked on the bathroom door, inquiring, "JJ?"
"Oh, Em, this was a great idea. I feel better already," JJ replied, the breathy tone in her voice making Emily's heartbeat quicken.
"I'm glad to hear that," Emily said. "When you're ready, wrap yourself up in the warm towels on the radiator and come lay on the bed."
"Lay on the bed?" JJ asked flirtatiously. "What exactly do you have planned, Agent Prentiss?"
Emily's breath hitched at JJ's tone. "You'll find out when you get out here, Agent Jareau." She loved this flirtatious banter far more than she thought she should, but it had been a part of their friendship since the beginning.
Emily heard JJ chuckle as the water began to drain from the tub, then moan as she felt the heated towels. Emily closed her eyes and swallowed, thinking about how much she would love to be the cause of such sounds coming out of JJ's mouth.
"Where on earth did you find candles, Emily?" JJ demanded.
Emily turned around and couldn't prevent a gasp from escaping her lips at the sight of JJ's bare shoulders and legs, and damp hair. JJ raised one eyebrow at her, and Emily rolled her eyes. JJ knew that Emily liked women, but as far as Emily knew, JJ was straight. Not to mention consistently dating one annoying man or another. "Ok, lay down on your stomach," Emily ordered.
"Yes, ma'am," JJ smirked as she complied.
Emily took a deep breath, trying to compose herself. She was doing this to make JJ feel good, not to get into her pants. Or towels. Or whatever. She walked the short distance to the side of the bed, placed a few drops of the lotion/oil mixture on her hands and rubbed them together to warm it up. Pulling down the towel covering JJ's back, she met the blonde's eyes and said, "If you're uncomfortable, just let me know and I'll stop, ok?"
JJ smiled warmly. "Ok," she agreed simply, closing her eyes.
Emily stood beside the bed as she began to massage JJ's shoulders with smooth, even strokes, her palms and fingers working in unity to relax the tension in her muscles. The lotion's perfume rose around the women, and Emily closed her eyes, enjoying the sensation of touching JJ's bare skin.
JJ moaned softly as Emily's hands worked their way down her back. "God, Em, where did you learn to do that? It feels amazing."
Emily licked her lips and remained silent, focusing on relieving as much of the tension in JJ's back as possible. When she reached a certain spot on JJ's waist, Emily heard JJ squeak slightly.
"Ticklish, are you?" she inquired, keeping her voice low so as not to spoil the relaxed atmosphere she was trying to create.
JJ squeaked again as Emily's hands danced over that spot. "Not ticklish, just…" She squeaked once more, and Emily could tell that her breathing had sped up. "You shouldn't touch me there, Em."
Emily could see that JJ's body language didn't match her words. "Do you really want me to stop, Jay?" she asked, her voice breathless and her hands moving farther down JJ's back to the top of her ass, pulling the towel down farther as she continued the massage.
"No," JJ breathed, opening her eyes to gaze into Emily's. "I want you to kiss me." She rolled onto her back and reached up, grabbing the back of Emily's neck with both hands and bringing her face down to mesh their lips together.
Emily let out a startled moan, which JJ took as an invitation to deepen the kiss and plunge her tongue into the brunette's mouth. Emily grasped JJ's waist lightly with one hand, holding herself up with the other as she climbed onto the bed, one knee between the blonde's legs. She felt more than heard JJ squeak as her fingers dug into that particular spot on JJ's waist. Then, before she could react, Emily felt herself being rolled over onto her back and whimpered as JJ broke the kiss, stradling one of Emily's thighs, her hands on the mattress on either side of Emily's head.
Looking up, Emily saw the stunningly topless woman smile broadly and use one hand to move her damp hair out of the way. "My god, you're beautiful," Emily breathed, her fingertips tracing a path up from JJ's waist to the curve of her breasts. JJ's back arched, and Emily took advantage of her position to lean upwards to kiss JJ's neck. JJ moaned aloud, sending a jolt of electricity directly to Emily's core. Emily rolled JJ to her back again, sucking and licking over JJ's collar bone, around the inner slope of one breast, and finally taking one nipple in her mouth to bite down gently. Every new sensation drew increasingly fast breaths and louder moans from the blonde, noises that Emily never wanted to stop hearing.
x-END FLASHBACK-x
Emily's mind stopped there, before the harsh sob could escape her lips, before the threatening tears escaped her eyes. She blinked and shook her head vigorously, bringing her mind back to the present. For five years now, she had been torturing herself. Watching as the woman she loved dated other people, loved other people, lost other people. Emily remembered promising her almost on a regular basis that she wouldn't leave, that she would always be there. Even if it was just as a friend. Sometimes with benefits. Or whatever.
Until that god-awful case in New Orleans, when he walked into their lives. Emily hadn't exactly been happy with the way things were. Of course she wanted more, but she was willing to take whatever she could get. Whatever would keep her close to . . .
Fuck, Emily thought. I can't even think her name without starting to cry. She pushed the call button to summon a flight attendant and asked for a whiskey, hoping that she could get drunk enough to forget. For a while, at least.
When the whiskey arrived, she asked the attendant to wait for a moment. Then she downed the glass in one gulp and asked for a refill. He gave her a strange look as he walked away, but soon returned with another glass. When he asked if she was alright, all Emily could do was laugh as the tears began to fall.