Mysteriously Convenient Circumstances! (Or: Why did the Vampire Cross the Road?)
A Vampire Chronicles/Fruits Basket Crossover!
Summary: Lestat (yes, THE Lestat! The one! The Only! Would you like his Autograph?) Randomly decides he's going to Japan. Somehow, by the power of Mysteriously Convenient Circumstances, he meets the Sohma Family. Oh, yeah, Armand, Marius, Louis, the rest of the Somhas and perhaps some others get dragged along for the ride too. Now Lestat and Ayame are trying to out-talk each other, Armand falls victim to the Yuki Fan Club, and poor Marius ends up locked in a room with Ritsu and Momiji! How will our poor vampires last in their most challenging feat yet- forget the Queen of the Damned, Akasha, their latest opponent is the ENTIRE SOHMA FAMILY! Dun-Dunn-DUUN!
Disclaimer: I don't own the VC OR anyone from Fruits Basket. Any OOC-ness is done deliberately for the sake of humor. Oh, and be warned: Strange things lie in these waters. Strange things, indeed. Flame if you like; it's kind of chilly here in Aussie-land anyways!
Part one: Lestat Goes to Japan (or: Why isn't there Better Parking in Gotham City?)
(One day, in Lestat-land 1 Lestat has a plan….)
Lestat: I HAVE DECIDED NOT TO PRIVELIGE YOU ALL WITH MY COMPANY!
Louis: What did he say?
Armand: I don't know…something about having a big head.
Lestat: -- There's not need to act mean just because you'll feel deprived without me. I know you really can't LIVE without me.
Armand: We can't LIVE at all. We're dead, remember?
Louis: I don't even know where you're going, how am I supposed to miss you?
Lestat: I have decided to become wise in the ways of the East! (Turning Japanese by The Vapors2 mysteriously begins playing from nowhere) You know, travel to Japan, take up Buddhism, become a Zen Master, maybe pick up a few cute Japanese schoolgirls, and then return, enlightened!
Armand and Louis: --0 (sweat drop)
Lestat: Well, I'm off. See-ya once I've become a fantastic Kung Fu warrior, learned in the mystical ways of Guitar, and arrive in London in a FedEx crate on the doorstep of a nonexistent studio belonging to an animated three-piece band in search of a fourth member!3
(Lestat vanishes into thin air)
-MOMENT OF SILENCE-
Louis: I pity Japan.
Armand: Me, too.
Louis: Should we go after him?
Armand: Probably.
Both: ………… -silence-
Louis: Want to take the Batmobile4?
Armand: Sure!
(Somehow, the two drive the Batmobile to Japan)
Meanwhile, in Gotham City…
Batman: Now, where DID I park that thing?
At the same time, in a certain house in Japan…
Kyo: GET BACK HERE YOU DAMN BUNNY!
Momiji: WAAAAAAAAH! KYO'S GOING TO PUT ME IN A POT, COOK ME UP AND EAT ME WITH A LITTLE BIT OF SOY SAUCE!
Kyo: No I'm not! I wouldn't bother with the soy sauce!
Haru: And then two people are going to make out in an elevator.
(Everyone5 stares at Haru)
Haru: Like I did with Yuki.
(Everyone stares at Yuki)
Yuki: 0.0 Haru! I thought I told you never to speak of that again!
Kyo: Haru! What about ME? I thought we had something!
Yuki: Wait, Kyo, how dare you cheat on ME?
Kyo: You were the one cheating on me with Haru!
Yuki: So were YOU!
Hatori: Yuki, you were cheating on ME?
Shigure & Ayame: HA'RI! YOU WERE CHEATING ON US?
Tohru: Oroo! Are you all… that is, have you… ?
All: Afraid so.
Momiji: Who here HASN'T been with everyone else in the room?
(Tohru is the only one to raise her hand)
Tohru: Orooooooooooooo!
(At that point, Lestat falls from the sky on top of Tohru)
Tohru: Epee!
Lestat: (sitting quite contently and comfortably) Konnichiwa Nippon!
All: (sweat drop)
Lestat: Eigo desu ka?
Shigure: (pokes Lestat) Heehaw, he talks funny.
Lestat: I don't get it. This is Japan. Aren't you supposed to speak Japanese?
Hanajima: It is called the Fourth Law of Mysteriously Convenient Circumstances. The said party will speak perfect English aside from occasional outbursts of Bad Fan-girl Japanese so as to prevent the author's lack of language skills from showing and also to avoid the long drawn-out part of the story where they try to interpret each other's speech.
Yuki: Hai, Baka Neko.
Kyo: Itai!
Lestat: Oh, really? Where do you find these laws?
Announcer Guy: Right here, in our very own, handy-pocket-sized guide to The Laws of Mysteriously Convenient Circumstances! Only three easy payments of $29.95! Order now!
Kisa: (pulls out machine gun and shoots him)
Tohru: Um, not to be, um, rude, but, um, do you, um, mind telling me, um, who you, um, are, um, and why you're, um, um, UM, sitting on me, um6?
Lestat: -evil gleam- Je suis le Vampire Lestat! I am the Vampire Lestat! The Brat Prince! The one, the only, the rock star, the consort to the Queen of the Damned, the one who's been to hell and back, a god amongst mortals if you will! Feel honored by my very presence! For I am LESTAT! (Cherry blossom petals begin blowing in the wind, one particularly sharp one hitting Akito in the eye and blinding him 7)
Yuki: Is it just me, or does he remind you of someone?
(All eyes turn to Aya)
Aya: WAIT JUST A MINUTE! (Walks up to Lestat)
Lestat: Yes?
Aya: How DARE you come into MY house-
Shigure: Hey! It's MY house!
Aya: Quiet, 'Gure or I'll have to whip you for being a naughty boy.
Hatori: Knowing you two he'd like that.
Aya: STOP INTERRUPTING ME! How dare you come into my house and take my title as the Most Confident, Most Beautiful, Most Feminine Loudmouth Who Never Shuts Up and Loves to Talk about Themselves!
Uotani: He's actually proud of his title. I don't know what's sadder; the fact that he won it or the thought that there's someone worse than him who could take it from him.
Lestat: My dear… um, what was your name again?
Ayame: AYAME SOHMA! THE BEAUTIFUL THIRD MEMBER OF THE MABUDACHI TRIO! THE-
Lestat: That's nice. Anyways, my dear Ayame, forgive me deeply for taking away something that was obviously so… dear to you8. Is there anyway I can… (Wink, wink) make it up to you?
Ayame: Mmm, there might be ways….
(Both give each other thumbs up and say, "YES!")
Shigure: TT But that's MY thing with Aya!
(Just then, the Batmobile crashes through the wall)
Armand: DEAR GODS LOUIS, DO YOU KNOW THE MEANING OF THE WORD "BRAKES"?
Louis: I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DRIVE!
Armand: Wait… then how did we get here?
Hanajima: That is the Second Law of Mysteriously Convenient Circumstances. Don't bother wondering how the hero happened to arrive at said place. If it isn't written, then the author was too lazy or too uninspired to bother thinking of it.
Announcer Guy: And YOU, too can use these amazing laws for only three payments of-
Kisa: Shut the & up! (Hits him over head with iceberg)
Meanwhile, Lestat and Ayame are trying to out-talk one another…
Lestat: …and I was the biggest selling album, but of course in the middle of my concert she attacked, well, many vampires attacked, but of course she wanted ME to be her king-
Ayame: Ah! Reminds me of the time I told my teacher why I have such long hair! It started of course with me being the student council president- Because of course, everyone loved dear Aya- and I was scolded for my long hair. So I started to tell the teacher of how I was royalty in the kingdom of Rubella and-
(Akito's head explodes from all their inane self-centered rambling)
Everyone: ….. YAY!
Louis: Hell-LO! Did no-one notice two vampires crashing through the wall in the Batmobile?
Kagura: Two especially good-looking vampires, might I add… -look of pure evil-
Louis: Yes, two- Uh-oh.
Kagura: Rawer! (Launches herself at Louis, transforming into a boar in the process, and carries him away on her back to the Lair of Evil 9)
Armand: O.o (tries to sneak away)
(With impeccable timing, the Yuki Fan Club bursts in)
Y.F.C.10: Y-U-K-I! He aren't got no alibi! He's YUKI! Voodoo, YUKI!
Yuki: Mon dieu, save me!
Armand: You speak French?
Yuki: O.o No.
(Suddenly the Y.F.C's 'Bishonen Radar' mysteriously goes off.)
Y.F.C: -evil gleam- (lock onto Armand)
Armand: What is the Japanese word I was looking for?
Yuki: That would be, 'shimatta'.
Armand: Right. SHIMATTA! (Takes off, promptly followed by the YFC)
Aishi: And so, we leave our first installment of Mysteriously Convenient Circumstances with all of our vampires in danger!
Lestat: I'm not in danger.
Aishi: Shut up. You are if I say you are.
Lestat: But I'm NOT!
Aishi: SHUT UP! STOP CORRECTING YOUR AUTHORESS AND MASTER! (Shoves him in a closet) Next time, we watch Louis's fate, a new vampire guest arrives, and we have some obsession with bread! Tune in for an all new episode of MYSTERIOUSLY CONVENIENT CIRCUMSTANCES!
Lestat: You realize this probably won't last more than two chapters, don't you?
Aishi: I SAID SHUT UP!
1 Such a place exists if I say it does! Ayah!
2 You know that song from the eighties? Come on, you have to know it!
3 Ten points if you get my not-so-subtle hint to a favorite band of mine…
4 Don't ask. Just … don't… ask…
5 'Everyone' is: Kyo, Yuki, Haru, Shigure, Ayame, Hatori, Kagura, Uotani, Hanajima, Akito (DIE!) Momiji, Kisa, Hiro, Ritsu, and a dead fly on the windowsill. And they have ALL…. O.o yeah
6 I used 'um' 11 times total in that sentence! Not that you really wanted to know.
7 I really don't like 'it' (as I call Akito). Can you tell?
8 Sentences in Italic have Seduction turned up to Ten!
9 The very same basement that Excel Saga's Il Palazzo uses!
10 Like KFC! Only not as nice-tasting! (Actually, KFC is pretty greasy and fatty and…. Let's not get into it.)