Alfred F. Jones and the Spontaneous Harem (Hetalia)
Author: Ashynarr
Summary: In which Elizabeta messes up just a bit, Alfred develops a spontaneous harem of hot young women because of it, and Kiku films it all.
Disclaimer: Hetalia's not mine.
Warning: Crack, Oneshot, Ame/fem!harem, implied background Can/m!harem
((Did you know that it's possible to somehow go from groaning over depressed!Canada fics to joking about tryingtobeagentleman!Alfred with a budding harem in only a few minutes via the route of mocking the magic healing cock?
I love my friend sometimes.))
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"...I think we may have miscalculated." The Asian told his female friend, who huffed and shot a glare at him.
"You think? It was only supposed to affect a few of them, not... everyone! You even got Roderich and Antonio in there – do they even talk to him outside of meetings?"
"You were the one who insisted on increasing the effects to be certain."
She scowled, not wanting to be reminded of that. "Well, are the cameras in place at least?"
"Hai. We'll be able to retrieve them later once they're all... finished."
There was a moment of silence.
"...wait, aren't they missing someone?"
The two quickly scoured their minds for who was missing. Not England – he'd been one of the first. Definitely not France, either, nor either of his friends. Russia had been in the middle, China one of the last, and the others had come in in small enough packs for them to check off.
In fact, the only two names that weren't checked off were Japan's (both because he was needed aware for installing the cameras and the various... helpers in Canada's house, and the fact that he was so heavily asexual that they'd found even the strongest of aphrodisiacs could only make him twitch uncomfortably for an hour before wearing off) and...
"Hey dudes – what're you doing all the way over here at Matt's place?"
They jumped, identical looks of panic crossing their faces as they turned to see America standing there, sipping at his Starbucks coffee.
"Er, we were visiting to..." They glanced between each other, Japan quickly speaking up.
"We were visiting to discuss some plans, but he was... busy. So we were heading back to Elizabeta-san's place for a..."
"...a party!" She filled in, smiling like she wasn't making this up on the spot.
And hey, it wasn't even technically lying – the other girls were in fact waiting back at her house for the two of them to come and start the show. Even Belarus had agreed to show up, bring a currently (and mysteriously) brotherless Liechtenstein with her.
America blinked. "...oh." His face creased into a light frown, and the two panicked internally, hoping that he wasn't going to see through their flimsy lie.
"...you guys were having a party and didn't invite me?"
They exchanged glances. "We didn't think you'd be interested, Alfred-kun."
The blond pouted. "But I like parties! It's fun hanging out with everyone and-"
"It's an all-girls, all-night slumber party." Hungary quickly inserted.
He quickly quieted, eyes widening in understanding, before shifting over to Japan. "...but he's going?"
"Of course! He doesn't mind talking girl stuff with us!"
America gave his friend a long look, seemingly reevaluating the Asian man in his mind. Japan quietly swore vengeance against his European friend at a more opportune moment when the truth getting out would not have them brutally injured by an enraged and overprotective older brother. Eventually he shrugged, taking another sip of his coffee. "Alright, you have fun at your slumber party, I'm gonna go check on Mattie..."
As he turned to leave, the two exchanged horrified looks. If America went in there now, he'd be affected by the traps as well and then there'd be no unaffected male Nations left for the girls (excluding Japan again for reasons stated earlier).
And knowing most of them, that would not end well. It was time for drastic measures.
"Actually-" Hungary stepped forward, grabbing his jacket sleeve and stopping him. "-we were hoping for someone trustworthy to stay around and make sure nothing happened to any of the girls. Since Erika's brother is busy, we were hoping your brother would help, but..." She allowed her head to dip a bit. "...he was busy. We weren't sure who else to ask, but, well..."
"...you guys want a bodyguard?" He seemed skeptical, though not completely adverse to the idea.
"Well, with you there no sleazy guys would try hitting on us if we decided to have a bit to drink! Please? Just this once?" Hungary employed her rarely-used (though certainly effective) pout, watching the superpower as he seemed to struggle internally for a bit before conceding.
"Alright... but no dress-up."
"No worries, I won't try anything." The others, however? No guarantees.
All she had to do was hope it'd be enough to stave off the wrath of several suddenly boyfriendless girls.
...yeah, she was screwed.
~0~0~
He was screwed. Tonight was the night he died, one way or another.
He willed his eyes shut (and other parts down) as a very lightly dressed Belarus leaned across him to grab some more popcorn from the bowl in Taiwan's lap next to him, still focused on the movie in front of them. This had been happening with seemingly increasing frequency, not just with the younger Slavic woman, but with all of the girls as the night progressed, and he wasn't sure how much more he could take before he broke.
He knew he was just reading too much into it – after all, he was fairly certain all of them had boyfriends and/or overprotective brothers who would gladly shoot him if he so much as thought an impure thought in their direction – but he was starting to get the feeling that at least some of it was deliberate. Japan had disappeared a while ago, the crafty bastard, leaving him alone with what was quickly becoming a matter of eunuch or death.
Ukraine, who happened to be sitting on the couch above and behind him, leaned forward to whisper something to her sister, also conveniently letting her bountiful assets rest on his shoulders and back.
Death by bloodloss to his brain it was. Although for the lack of blood his face seemed especially warm. At least his death would be a clean one.
"Alfred, we were wondering..." Mexico leaned over, drawing his attention away from his current plight. "...who was your first?"
"...my first what?"
"You know – your first time! My bet's on Arthur, but Yi Ling's convinced it was Francis."
"Wait wait wait, are we talking about sex?" The last word came out a bit high. "Because there's no way I'd sleep with either of them. Girls only for me."
"Well, who was it then? It certainly wasn't any of us, and we're the only female nations..." Vietnam asked, all the girls now in the conversation, equally interested in his answer.
"...wait, did you sleep with humans?" Belgium wondered out loud, the other girl murmuring at the idea. It wasn't necessarily forbidden, but it was rare enough that it always sparked interest.
"No!" If anything, America flushed more.
"Then who..." Hungary's eyes blinked, a dawning realization coming to them. "...are you... a virgin?"
The superpower froze. Oh damn, now he'd never hear the end of the teasing from the others – not even capable of getting laid after several centuries of independence? Of course, he'd been busy most of the time and mostly uninterested the rest, so it just hadn't ever really come up.
Silence descended on the room. He refused to open his eyes to see the shocked expressions morph into silent or not-so-silent laughter. Maybe he could escape this mess with a piece of his pride intact-
"Why didn't you say anything?" Belarus asked, sounding just hurt enough to make him feel bad. "I thought we were friends."
"We are! ...I thought you would laugh at me." He admitted, still not opening his eyes. The person next to him shifted, moving into his lap and finally prompting him to peek, seeing the firm gaze of his adoptive little sister on him.
"Why would I do that? Alfred..." She tilted his head slightly so their gazes were more even with each other. "...you're very important to me. When I had nothing to my name, you took me in and took care of me, without expecting any sort of repayment in return. You trusted me when everyone else was afraid of being in the same room. You never once took advantage of me when I was vulnerable. Toris may have been a fool, but he was right when he said you were the kindest person he knew.
"Knowing all this, do you really think I'd laugh at something as small as you not having sex?"
Slowly, America shook his head, eyes now wide as he took this in. He knew that Belarus was more than capable of this kind of kindness, but to him? And in such a large amount at once? Her smile shifted to something less innocent, and he quickly wondered whether it may have been a way to butter him up for what came next.
"Although, since neither of us are busy right now, I could take the time to... properly thank you."
"W-what about your brother?" America asked, wondering whether this was really happening.
"What about him? I've been over my crush on him for decades, and it's not like he can really do anything to you without myself and my sister getting very upset with him."
That was... surprisingly reassuring, actually. He'd seen Ukraine angry once.
The world had mutually agreed after that to never piss her off again.
Belarus pressed herself against him leaning forward so her lips were right next to his ear. "Please, Alfred? For me?"
...well how could he refuse with that offer? Not trusting himself to speak, America nodded his head, flushing when she pulled back and gave him another one of those tiny seductive smiles before pressing forward and taking his lips in hers.
He responded well enough – this he'd done before at the least. Just when he was feeling comfortable with this, another voice cut in.
"I want to help!"
Both Belarus and America turned to stare in surprise at Liechtenstein, who was looking flustered at the attention on her but also somewhat determined. "I mean... I love my big brother, but he never lets me do anything on my own. This may be my only chance to actually do something I want to do without his approval, and... and..." Her face was red, embarrassment finally overcoming her.
America was gawking, wondering what alternate universe he'd been dropped into when he wasn't paying attention. Belarus, meanwhile, was recovering from her surprise quite well, a wider smirk across her face. She gestured for the smaller girl to come over, grabbing her once she was close enough and pulling her into a deep kiss.
The American proceeded to forget what he was worrying about and enjoy the show, deciding if he over-thought this now he'd lose his only chance at something most only dreamed of. He allowed himself to respond to the heated kisses from the two once they broke apart, leaning back into Ukraine and shutting his eyes to more fully enjoy the sensations.
"Hold up, you aren't doing this without me." He cracked an eye open to look at Mexico. "I've been wanting a piece of that for ages, and there's no way I'm giving up this chance to you two."
To his surprise (or lack thereof by now – he was convinced he'd fallen asleep at some point during the party and was just having a very vivid dream), the other girls started sharing similar sentiments, even Hungary, although she was quickly shot down by the others.
"You're the reason our boyfriends are busy tonight," Vietnam stressed. "I don't think you get to be rewarded for that."
America was quietly glad for that; he'd heard a few rumors about her, and had no desire to find out if even a handful of them were true. And with that, he was quickly dragged off by the group, leaving Hungary alone in the room, still pouting.
Not that he really was thinking about that at this point.
~0~0~
Hungary threw herself onto the emptied couch, sulking while stuffing another handful of the abandoned popcorn into her mouth. First she'd missed the live footage of a bunch of hot guys going at it, and now she wasn't even allowed to have fun with the admittedly sexy young blond. Life just wasn't fair.
"Elizabeta-san?" Japan reappeared from wherever he'd been hiding.
"Hey Kiku..." She mumbled back.
He said nothing for a moment, before pulling out one of the large touch pads he'd brought along. "I apologize for leaving you alone for so long, but I was busy setting up some equipment in one of your spare rooms."
Hungary's gaze lifted, surprise quickly morphing to hope. "Really?"
Japan smiled politely. "Would you like to see?"
She nodded, smiling, before settling in next to him and pulling the bowl into her lap as the show began. "...thanks, Kiku. You're a good friend."
She probably wouldn't be saying that once she found all her commissioned manga in Austria and Prussia's possessions, but for now he'd gracefully accept the thanks.
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AN: Because Alfred spontaneously developing a harem of hot chicks is the funniest thing I can imagine, especially since I have never seen it before in my life and it should be a thing.
(Also, poor Mattie... or is he? Hmm...)
...may possibly do some omakes for this at another time. But for now, enjoy.