The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any GI Joe characters has been blown to pieces. This isn't even my idea. Blame Coldfusion 180! And now…because no one suggested this!
Know Your Joe: Tollbooth
"What's a nine-letter word for a crazy person?" Alpine asked while studying a piece of paper. The Joes were casually hanging around the recreation room trying to actually relax before the next disaster came up.
"Try 'Shipwreck'," Low Light quipped as he sat on the couch working on a crossword puzzle of his own.
"Ha, ha," Shipwreck drawled sarcastically. He also had a crossword puzzle but was turning it into a paper airplane.
"You have to admit I couldn't pass that up," Low Light shrugged. "It was like a big ol' softball."
Alpine frowned as he looked at his puzzle. "What's an eleven-letter word for an absolute disaster?"
"BA's cooking," Dial Tone supplied. He was also doing a crossword puzzle. In fact almost all the Joes were doing some kind of crossword puzzle.
"That's a term, not a word," Flint pointed out.
"Who cares? It works," Alpine said scribbling it in. "Alright, another row completed."
"This is stupid," Low Light grumbled while toying with a pen. "Why are we all cooped up in here doing Airtight's version of Pit crossword puzzles?"
"I think the better question is why did Airtight make so many crossword puzzles in the first place?" Shipwreck remarked as he flew his paper airplane.
"Because Hawk is still a little miffed at our last attempt at playing land mine bingo," Sci-Fi explained.
"He's not the only one," Lifeline sighed. "Right Slipstream?"
"Oh, yeah. It's all good," Slipstream blinked dazedly. He was in a wheelchair and both of his legs were in casts. "Ooo, butterflies!"
"You have to admit, there really isn't that much to do around here anymore," Alpine commented while doodling on his paper. "Especially with Cobra going to ground again and nothing worth watching on TV."
"There hasn't been anything worth watching since Veep finished its season," Lifeline remarked.
"Veep? That show?" Low Light snapped. "Arrested Development and Archer were way better!"
"Oh here we go again…" Flint groaned.
"Hey Veep is political satire at its finest!" Lifeline snapped. "Despite all the swearing! Besides they really came into their own this season. Why do you think the show won Best Comedy at the Emmys?"
"Because award shows are more rigged than the games at Coney Island," Low Light snapped. "Arrested Development and Archer are way better!"
"You know they're practically the same show right?" Lifeline asked.
"They are not the same show! Archer is inspired by Arrested Development!" Low Light snapped.
"If by inspired you mean ripped off…" Lifeline grumbled. "I mean the same actors are on both shows! Basically Mallory Archer is Lucille Bluth minus some children and adds a gun!"
"Oh right you hate guns," Low Light rolled his eyes. "Look I'm not saying Veep doesn't have its moments…"
"Which are more than the last season of Arrested Development," Lifeline said.
"It was an experimental season! At least those two shows aren't afraid to break from the norm!" Low Light snapped.
"The norm? Low Light some of those jokes on Archer are so obscure you have to go to Wikipedia to figure them out!" Lifeline said.
"That makes the show educational," Lady Jaye spoke up.
"Wait how could you like Archer? You're a woman!" Flint snapped.
"Last I checked yes," Lady Jaye gave him a look. "What does that have to do with it?"
"Well because of you know…?" Flint coughed. "All the nudity and sexism it has."
"So does every other damn show on TV!" Lady Jaye groaned. "Even the so called 'women's shows' have some girl in a bikini or in a sexy outfit running around. Hello? The shows Scandal, Sex And The City and every soap opera ever ring a bell? Plus look at almost every cartoon you've ever seen. Most of the female 'pretty' characters are drawn like Barbie dolls!"
"Where as in Archer, women of all shapes and ages are drawn and celebrated for their own beauty," Shipwreck spoke up. "I admit it, Mallory Archer and Pam Poovey are hot."
"Why is it the more I know about you, the more disturbing you become to me?" Alpine winced at Shipwreck.
Lady Jaye went on. "Archer's funny and well written. Besides the guys are hot and they're naked just as much as the women are so…"
"There it is," Lifeline rolled his eyes.
"And I gotta admit, H. Jon Benjamin's voice is pretty damn sexy," Lady Jaye shrugged.
"Too much information here," Beach Head winced.
"You know he doesn't look like that in real life right?" Flint snapped.
"Doesn't matter," Lady Jaye shrugged. "As long as he sounds like that I can close my eyes and…"
"Hold on! Is that why you always insist on making out whenever Bob's Burgers is on?" Flint gasped.
"Uh…Well…" Lady Jaye blushed.
"LA LA LA! NOT LISTENING!" Flint covered his ears. "LA! LA! LA!"
"I always liked Linda from that show," Bazooka said. "She sounds so pretty!"
"She's played by a man!" Alpine snapped.
"I know," Bazooka shrugged.
"Yeah, I'm the one that's disturbed around here," Shipwreck rolled his eyes.
"Can we please talk about another show?" Sci-Fi moaned. "Any other show!"
"I was pretty bummed when Enlisted got cancelled," Dial Tone sighed.
"I liked that show," Bazooka smiled.
"I hated that show!" Beach Head snapped. "That show was a disgraceful load of garbage that insulted American soldiers everywhere! It made it look like the army was composed of nothing but a bunch of undisciplined, lazy, insane maniacs!"
Just then the TV snapped to life. "Greetings friends! Welcome to yet another fun edition of Know Your Joe!"
"You were saying?" Low Light gave Beach Head a look as Short Fuse and Quick Kick appeared on screen.
"On second thought," Beach Head groaned. "Maybe Enlisted wasn't that far off?"
"Pretty dead on in some instances if you think about it," Alpine groaned.
"I wish certain people were just dead," Low Light groaned.
"We're out here behind the Motor Pool today to interview one of the most vital but overlooked Joes on the team: Tollbooth!" Quick Kick smiled. Standing next to him was a broad shouldered handsome man in a green uniform and a yellow hard hat on his head.
"I know which two Joes I'd like to overlook," Low Light glared at the screen.
"For those of you who don't know, Tollbooth is our Combat Engineer," Short Fuse explained. "It's his job to build and maintain roads, bridges, fortifications, power stations, water systems, base constructions and living quarters."
"Not to mention repairing all that stuff whenever they get destroyed or blown up," Flint added. "Which happens quite a lot around here. Especially during one of these stupid shows!"
"Thank goodness we have Tollbooth to do the repairs instead of hiring a bunch of contractors," Lifeline sighed. "He even offers to foot most of the costs. I swear if it wasn't for him the repair budget would be in debt for years!"
"Hi there!" Tollbooth casually waved a hand at the camera. "Hey, before we start you guys gotta see this!"
"See what?" Short Fuse asked as Tollbooth indicated what looked like a cubic shipping container measuring six feet to a side. "What is it? Some kind of new storage unit?"
"Nope. This!" Tollbooth took out a remote control and pressed a button. Immediately the container began to expand and unfold like a three-dimensional pop-up book. Poles were extended, walls were dropped, hoses pumped and canopies raised until the unit took on the size and shape of a small house complete with pool, basketball court and hot tub.
"Okay…" Low Light blinked. "I'm officially impressed."
"Holy!" Quick Kick's jaw dropped. "What the heck is that?"
"My latest project!" Tollbooth grinned. "A prototype for the next generation of mobile, prefabricated army housing units for easier transportation and comfort."
Tollbooth pressed another button and a small mini bar unfolded from one side of the house along with inflated lounge chairs. "Have a seat! Want some lemonade? Soda?"
"Thanks," Short Fuse and Quick Kick goggled as their drinks poured forth from an automated beverage dispenser.
"Wow," Shipwreck blinked at Tollbooth's creation. "I gotta get me one of those! But with a bar with actual alcoholic beverages!"
"What a shock," Lady Jaye remarked. "Now that I think about it Shipwreck you and Sterling Archer have lot in common. Except for the voice of course. You sound like Jack Nicholson on a helium binge."
"I've thought that too," Low Light said.
"Man, this is great! Now, let's get started," Quick Kick smiled while sipping his drink. "So, your real name is Chuck X. Goren and you're from Boise, Idaho. Say, what does the X stand for?"
"Nothing," Tollbooth said. "I don't have a middle name."
"Oh. But why use the X?" Short Fuse asked. "Why not use NMN for 'No Middle Name?"
"Because lots of trusses contain an X pattern of supports, but none contain a pattern of NMN," Tollbooth grinned.
"Huh?" Short Fuse blinked.
"Sorry," Tollbooth shrugged. "A little engineering humor there."
"Very little," Sci-Fi winced.
"Oh boy," Low Light whistled. "Finally a guest who has more intelligence than the hosts."
"The hosts have intelligence?" Alpine quipped.
"News to me," Lady Jaye sighed.
"O-kay," Quick Kick decided to move on. "So, I understand your love of building was noticed at a very early age."
"Yep, started when I was six," Tollbooth nodded. "My parents gave me a construction set for Christmas and I wore it out before I was seven."
"Wow, that's pretty fast," Short Fuse commented. "What kind of stuff did you build with it?"
"Eh, not much. Just the basics," Tollbooth shrugged. "A steam engine, a trebuchet, the Voyager 1 spacecraft. All of 'em built to scale."
"What?" Quick Kick blinked.
"Oh yeah, I loved those old building sets," Tollbooth continued. "I bought, made and collected every one I could get my hands on. And a few I couldn't. I utilized some of the more robust sets to help build my first treehouse. Even it hooked up with hot water, air conditioning and satellite TV."
"Wow, that's impressive," Short Fuse was stunned. "Did your parents ever complain about the cost of building the treehouse?"
"Are you kidding? They moved into it!" Tollbooth shook his head. "Last I checked, they still do!"
"Really?" Short Fuse blinked.
"Yeah. They were thrilled when I put in that hot tub and elevator to the new guest bedrooms!" Tollbooth preened. "Take that Elisa Otis!"
"O-kay," Quick Kick blinked. "Your parents must have been rich to afford all those construction sets."
"Not really. We were actually kinda poor," Tollbooth explained. "Well, not really poor. Just regular, hardworking, blue collar people. I admit the first few construction sets did set us back a ways. My parents even had to take out a second mortgage, but I paid them back soon after I finished building the roller coaster."
"Roller coaster?" Short Fuse did a spit take.
"Yep. Build the whole thing out of construction sets when I was ten. Even put in six loops and a corkscrew," Tollbooth said proudly. "People came from miles around to ride it and I charged admission on every single one! Ending up making a bundle along with a small Ferris wheel and carousel with expansion sets and parts I salvaged from the city scrap yard. Every year more people came to my house than they did the state fair!"
"Wait are you telling us that you have an entire amusement park in your backyard?" Quick Kick gasped.
"Not just the backyard since we bought the abandoned house next door," Tollbooth said. "Turned it into a combination fun house, bounce house. It's one of the favorite attractions at Go Town!"
"Go Town?" Quick Kick blinked.
"That's what we named our amusement park," Tollbooth explained. "We were gonna call it Goren Land then we thought it was too close to Disneyland. So we then thought Goren Town but it wasn't catchy enough. So Dad shortened it to Go Town and it caught on like wildfire!"
"Really?" Quick Kick blinked.
"Not like the actual fire Dad caused when he tried to find a gas leak in our basement with a lit match…" Tollbooth said. "Never do that. Bad idea…"
"I'm guessing that's one of the reasons your family moved into the treehouse?" Short Fuse sighed.
"Yeah," Tollbooth admitted. "A big one."
"I'm also guessing you didn't get your engineering skills from your father," Quick Kick remarked.
"You guess correctly," Tollbooth said. "After that incident we all had a meeting and decided to move him over to Marketing."
"Sounds like a smart choice," Quick Kick remarked.
"It was," Tollbooth said. "And after the fire we had more room for more attractions like the go-cart track. That was Dad's idea. And it was a very good one."
"Your parents just let you build an amusement park?" Short Fuse asked.
"Well I had help from my brother, sisters and a few uncles," Tollbooth said. "Besides my parents were amusement park enthusiasts. They met on a roller coaster that got stuck at the top for eight hours. Really gave them time to get to know each other."
"I'd like to know where we find these people," Flint groaned. "And how do we send them back?"
"Owning an amusement park was a dream come true for them," Tollbooth said.
"And I'm guessing a nightmare for the neighbors," Short Fuse groaned.
"We didn't really have that many neighbors," Tollbooth shrugged. "Lot of people lost their jobs when I was a kid and moved away. So when we got our amusement park up and running it was a real shot to the local economy!"
"I'd love to shoot those two idiots who keep putting these dumb shows on," Low Light groaned.
"And it also helps that we had an in with the local parks department," Tollbooth grinned. "Our cousin Ron helped us with some real good government tax breaks."
"I'm beginning to see why Tollbooth is able to pay for most of the repairs around here," Alpine blinked.
"I'm beginning to regret not going to him to ask for a loan sooner," Shipwreck cursed. "We have a millionaire on the team and I didn't even know it!"
"Just like Cheryl Tunt on Archer," Lady Jaye realized.
"Every year my sets got bigger and more complex until I finally outgrew them all," Tollbooth continued. "That's the point when I started building in earnest."
"Building a life-sized roller coaster wasn't earnest?" Quick Kick gasped.
"Na, that was just kid's stuff," Tollbooth waved. "I wanted a real challenge so after high school I applied and was accepted for the engineering program at MIT."
"Wow, that's a hard school to get in to," Short Fuse whistled. "Did you continue to build and make money while you were there?"
"Well, not exactly," Tollbooth said. "Classes and stuff did take up a lot of my time. But I was still able to complete the occasional minor project. Like turning the entire faculty building into a giant water slide!"
"That's one way of getting on the dean's list," Lady Jaye quipped.
"Or off it, depending on his sense of humor," Lifeline remarked.
"And then there was the time some buddies and I went and pranked the Great Dome," Tollbooth continued. "Most engineering pranks center on the dome in some way, like adding some decorations or leaving a fire truck on it."
"So what did you do?" Quick Kick asked.
"Simple," Tollbooth grinned. "We stole the dome!"
"You what?" Short Fuse blinked.
"Yep, we stole the whole thing, skylight and all!" Tollbooth slapped his knee. "You should have seen the football team's faces when they went to the next game and found the Great Dome sitting in the middle of the stadium!"
"Wow, and I thought my pranks were good," Shipwreck whistled.
"The prank king is dead," Low Light quipped. "Long live the king!"
"Now that I think about it Tollbooth is more like Krieger than Cheryl," Lady Jaye blinked.
"Of course we moved the whole thing back once we were done," Tollbooth explained. "We never pulled pranks that caused any real permanent damage. Unless they were directed against Harvard or Caltech!"
"Oh dear," Roadblock groaned. "Rival school's prank wars are the worst to fear!"
"What did you do?" Quick Kick asked.
"Well, unfortunately several dozen court orders and confidentiality agreements prevent me from going into details," Tollbooth coughed. "Let's just say that both schools didn't lack chocolate raspberry pudding for years after we held one of MIT's infamous Piano Drops."
"I think I know the real reason why Tollbooth wears a construction helmet all the time," Low Light said. "It's because as a child he was dropped too many times on his head!"
"That would explain a lot," Beach Heard grumbled.
"I wouldn't be surprised if most of the people in this unit were dropped too many times on their heads," Flint groaned.
"I was," Bazooka spoke up.
"Big shock," Alpine groaned. "NOT!"
"Eventually, after many fun pranks and punishments later, I was awarded my Master's Degrees in Civil and Mechanical Engineering," Tollbooth concluded.
"You have two engineering degrees?" Quick Kick was stunned.
"Yep," Tollbooth grinned. "That way I can build targets and then blow them up!"
"Okay now he's an equal combination of Krieger and Cheryl," Lady Jaye remarked.
"We really have got to find you a new show to watch," Flint groaned.
"Didn't you build or rebuild most of the Pit?" Short Fuse gulped very nervously.
"Yeah, what's your point?" Tollbooth asked.
"Uh oh…" Lifeline blinked.
"That's it! I'm not sleeping in the base anymore!" Alpine declared. "I'm getting a permanent room at the nearest Dew Drop Inn!"
"Please take me with you," Low Light groaned.
"Take us all with you!" Sci-Fi pleaded.
"Still, even after earning my degrees I needed to tackle an even bigger challenge," Tollbooth said. "So I joined the army expressly to sign up for the G.I. Joe team."
"And we're glad you made it," Short Fuse nodded sipping his drink. "Your hard work and vast resources help support us all! Er, by the way, would you mind lending me a few bucks?"
"Hey, he's stealing my idea!" Shipwreck yelled at the TV.
"At least you don't have to worry about him stealing your brain," Low Light quipped. "He can't steal what isn't there!"
"I tell you viewers, whenever we're on our way to an objective and come across a seemingly impassable obstacle, Tollbooth will get us across," Quick Kick confessed. "I have to admit, I don't how you do it. Your engineering skill is almost akin to magic!"
"Hey, that's not a bad idea," Bazooka spoke up. "Why don't we have a magician on the team?"
"I wish we did," Alpine sighed. "Then we could have the magician make Short Fuse and Quick Kick disappear!"
"Aw, it's nothing really," Tollbooth shrugged modestly. "That's what combat engineers do. It's fun! We'll do the job no matter the situation. Whether it's making bridges out of mud clay and toothpicks, laying down a four-lane blacktop over a mountain, blasting a pass through solid rock..."
"Wait, blasting?!" Short Fuse yelped.
"Sure, combat engineers always carry lots of explosives around," Tollbooth said. "They take care of the heavy work involved with construction and demolition! Take that rock-strewn field over there..."
"Uh oh," Roadblock groaned. "This going to end in woe!"
"I really have a bad feeling about this…" Flint groaned.
"We're been ordered to build a new administration wing there," Tollbooth said. "We just gotta prep the site first. The charges have already been set."
"What?!" Quick Kick paled. "Uh, aren't we too close to them? Shouldn't we move to a safe distance or something? Like maybe the next county?"
"Na, we're just inside the safety zone," Tollbooth waved. "I think."
"You think?!" Short Fuse yelped.
"Really bad feeling about this…" Flint winced.
"Only one way to find out," Tollbooth grinned. "All I gotta do is twist this handle to set the charges off and..."
"No! Wait!" Quick Kick and Short Fuse yelled.
KA-BOOOOOOOOOM!
The entire Pit rocked from the explosion.
"Oh boy," Sci-Fi gulped as the rocky field was demolished along with several nearby buildings. "That doesn't look good."
"I'll say," Low Light groaned at the screen. "Quick Kick and Short Fuse are still alive!"
"MY OFFICE!" Beach Head yelled at the sight of one of the destroyed buildings. "THAT MANIAC BLEW UP MY OFFICE!"
"Hey, you blew up Beach Head's office," Quick Kick blinked on screen.
"Mommy?" Short Fuse whimpered covered in dirt and rock chips.
"Hmmm, so I did," Tollbooth surveyed the damage. "Well, no big loss. Beach Head is always complaining about having too much paperwork. Now he won't have to do any."
"Oh yes I will!" Beach Head roared. "I'm gonna fill out a requisition form for a brand new coffin! And a tombstone with Tollbooth's name on it!"
"Make it three," Dial Tone suggested. "Quick Kick and Short Fuse can use some too."
"Good idea," Alpine agreed.
"I'd better go ready the infirmary," Lifeline got up and left the room. "Again…"
"Don't worry about the destroyed offices. I'll rebuild 'em," Tollbooth waved at the demolished buildings. "This gives me a chance to make them even better! There's some new construction features I've been itching to try out."
"That's nice," Quick Kick said right before he was hit in the head by a falling piece of debris. "Ooo, I'm gonna take a nap-nap now," He blinked right before passing out.
"Well, that's one way to shut him up," Flint sighed rising from his seat. "I'm gonna go yell at Tollbooth for a while before ordering him to clean up his mess."
"I'll go too!" Beach Head followed him out. "That maniac is going to pay for this!"
"While you're doing that ask him if he can install a bar," Shipwreck called out.
"Here's a six-letter word for something that will never be found around here," Low Light wrote on his crossword puzzle. "Sanity!"