Chapter 1

Neal could be described as many things; charming, confident, smart and sexy. Insecure, however, was never one of them. But, as he approached her apartment building, Neal noticed how every step he took felt heavier and heavier.

Should he?

No, he shouldn't.

But he had to.

Neal knew the story Sara had told him on the phone about her not feeling well was a lie and if there was one thing Neal could not resist, it was digging for the truth. Whether it was following a lead during an investigation, or prying the truth out of an "associate"; they were all pieces of a certain puzzle and he would not – could not – let it go until he knew exactly what the puzzle would portray.

Then again, this was Sara; where they already at that stage? Where you can be obnoxiously curious and keep pushing for answers, for the truth, and not settle for less? Or where they still at the "I'll pretend to believe whatever excuse you come up with" state? Despite their history, it was hard to tell. This part of their relationship was much easier back when they were still pretending to be nothing more but friends. Now that they're back together, something the back of his mind always knew was kind of inevitable, Neal found himself wondering which parts they could just pick up from, from the last time and which parts of their relationship had to start from scratch.

Plus, he wouldn't hold it against her if she purposely kept him out of the loop while she was working on an important case. Or maybe, just maybe, she actually was really sick. It could all be very innocent and he'd be left looking like a fool.

No, though. It wasn't that. It wasn't innocent. It'd been a week since he's last seen her and the longest they have gone without meeting at least once, was three days. At first she kept cancelling their dates, saying she was too busy at work, but as he called her office today, her assistant had told him Sara had called in sick and had been staying home since Wednesday last week.

So, as he reached the final step of the stairs, Neal sighed one last time, hoping the outgoing breath would take away his final doubts too.

Before he could change his mind, Neal was already at the front door and buzzing the intercom.

No answer.

He tried again.

"Neal? What are you doing here?" She sounded a little out of breath – did she run to the intercom?

Neal looked straight into the camera and made sure Sara could see his bright grin, "I come bearing gifts."

"Neal, I'm not really in the mood. I think I'm coming down with something, you shouldn't come up."

In all honesty; she did sound tired, exhausted even, but there was something else, too…. She sounded anxious. Like she was a bit too eager to get rid of him.

There was something – or someone – in her apartment she didn't want Neal to see. This newfound knowledge only piqued his interest even more. At the same time, Neal wondered if he should be concerned about the fact that he was worried about it being a 'someone' she was hiding?

No! He shrugged it off and mentally kicked himself for even thinking of going there. She would never. Sara was not a cheater.

Neal was just about to inform Sara that he never got sick, when there was a sudden loud thud in the background; something had fallen down, something heavy.

"Sara?"

"I- Look, Neal, I have to go. I'm sorry, I'll call you, bye!"

He heard the click before he even registered her words; she was gone. He burrowed his brows, revealing the creases of confusion on his forehead and stood there for a moment, thinking about what just happened.

Sara had always been somewhat private, getting to know her was an on going process and tough he knew her habits, her likes and dislikes, her favorites, he still felt like he only knew what the tip of the iceberg looked liked. Finding out what the rest of the iceberg looked like was both fun and intriguing. He knew Sara could be mysterious, but this was just plain weird. And suspicious.

He had started walking down the steps when he stopped midway and made a 180, walking back to her front door and pressing the buzzer once again.

When Sara didn't answer, he buzzed again, making it perfectly clear that he wasn't leaving.

"What?!" her irritated tone had a strange combination of desperation and exasperation.

"We both know I could pick this lock and know your security code, so why don't you save us the trouble and just open the door?"

There. Sometimes you had to fight fire with fire and judging by her silence, it worked. He was a bit taken aback when the usual smugness he'd feel when winning, was painfully absent. Instead concern and protection filled his state of mind and it made him more confident than anything else ever did.

Finally she buzzed him in, but not without groaning in obvious discontent. He strolled the small distance through the hallway till he reached the door to her apartment. He saw the door was ajar and as he went to fully open it, Sara appeared from behind it, stopping him and leaving him standing in the hall.

He was right; she was tired. She looked like she hadn't slept in days. Her hair was a knotted mess on top her head with a few strands hanging aimlessly here and there. She was dressed in jogging pants and an old grey t-shirt he recognized as his own.

"What do you want, Caffrey?"

He narrowed his eyes and took a moment to figure out the best approach: Would he make a sarcastic comment about her hospitability and dance around the elephant in the room? Or would he grab the bull by it's horns and face whatever's coming – something he could tell Sara was prone to at this moment?

"What's going on?" He decided the second approach would get him further as he filled his tone with a stern assurance, leaving no room for hesitation.

"What do you mean?" Sara sighed. She knew her effort to sound and act oblivious was in vain; her body was literally too tired to fulfill her minds wishes and she knew by his stance and the darker shade of determination in his eyes, that he wasn't going anywhere without answers.

Neal raised his eyebrow skeptically, "Sara-"

He then stopped himself. Or rather; the sudden explosion of dazzling confusion that hit him, had stopped him from finishing his sentence.

He had to remind himself to breath as he watched Sara bend down and pick up the little child that had crawled to the door and waited till she reached Sara to spit out her pacifier and cry at the top of her lungs.

"Hi, baby girl," Sara greeted the child sweetly, trying to mask as much of her desperate exhaustion as she could. She picked her up and placed her on her hip – like she's so often see other mothers do – and hoped the rocking movements would sooth her. Sara brought her lips close to the baby's ears and softly started shushing her, eventually the sobs ebbed away and Sara finally let out a breath when the baby rested her head somewhat contently on her shoulder. Sara then closed her eyes and allowed herself a moment to take a breath and ready herself for whatever was coming before turning around and facing Neal.

If she hadn't been this tired and desperate and sleep deprived and annoyed and whatnot, Neal's bewildered expression might have actually made her laugh. Now, it only made her even more anxious.

"Come on in." She opened the door with a sigh, making no effort to hide the reluctance to the following moment: There was no hiding away this time, no more making up excuses and pushing Neal away - he was here and she was going to have some explaining to do.

Neal stepped in and closed the door behind him. As he followed Sara to the living room, he kept fishing for the right words to say, but his mind was too clouded with questions. Maybe she's just babysitting? Sara… babysitting? Not in a million years. Besides, as they arrived in the living room, Sara went straight for the playpen and gently put the baby inside – telling Neal that this baby has either been here before, comes over often, or… was here to stay.

Before the baby's whimpers could turn into loud cries, Sara quickly fished for a toy and played with it in front of the kid, trying to distract her from crying. It worked. Sara handed the toy over and when she concluded that the baby wouldn't cry for at least the following seconds, she got up and slowly backed away.

She turned around and faced Neal, who, to her surprise, hasn't said a word yet. It would be much easier to be annoyed by that, but she couldn't hold it against him. At the same time, she couldn't put herself to explain everything. To start at the beginning and go through every feeling and emotion again. Besides, she felt as if any sign of life was drained from her body, she was so tired she didn't even know how she was still standing right now.

Out of the corner of her eye, Sara spotted the stack of files on the small end table next to her sofa. She held her finger up for Neal, indicating for him to wait, and headed for the table. After searching through the files for about a minute, she got up and handed Neal a piece of paper.

Still unsure of his next move, Neal was glad to have Sara take some control of this situation. Though confused, he accepted the piece of paper she handed him. He folded it open and saw it was a handwritten letter:

Sara,

If you're reading this, that means I never got the chance to contact you in person. For that I am terribly sorry. I wish there was another way, I wish I was brave enough to just come and find you and talk to you. I know any explanation will be too late, but just know that I couldn't come for you without putting you in danger. You can ask my lawyer for the details about that.

God, Sara, there is so much I am dying to tell you. I just wish I could be with you right now, I wish we could have one of our mini fashion shows we had when we were kids, remember those? I wish I could cloth you and braid your hair. I never had to use much make-up, I'd just mention Steven and your cheeks would color themselves, your eyes would sparkle and your smile would be irremovable. That's what I miss the most; your smile and your laughter. You were always the happy one. When mom and dad… you know, you were always the one to make me feel better. I love you so much for that.

And that is why I feel confident with the hardest decision I have ever made: Leaving you Nicole. I know it's impossibly much to ask, but here I am asking you. Because you are the only person in this world I would trust my daughter to. The only person in the world I know would love her as much as I did. Please take care of her, like you always took care of us.

There is a video I recorded for the two of you; my precious. However, I wish for you two to watch it together and since I assume Nicole will be too young when you read this letter, I'm asking you not to watch it until you feel she is old and mature enough to understand.

Everything will be explained, I hope you can find peace in that.

I love you, Sara Nicole Ellis. Forever.

Emily.

I know I shouldn't be writing yet another story without finishing at least one of the three others. But I've had this idea in my head for MONTHS and every time I tried writing a chapter for another story, this idea would pop up in my brain and prevent me from writing anything else. I will update as soon as I can!

Please review!

Soph