Even Tough Men Crumble
I realized there were a lot of stories with Sam comforting Andy, but not many of her comforting him (aside from ones where he's injured/in the hospital) and I wanted to see that, so I wrote this. And while I got some inspiration from the emotion surrounding Jerry's death, this story has nothing to do with his death. For a rough timeframe, you could say it takes place during this season, but before all the angst and tragedy.
This was going to be a one-shot, but instead I decided to split it up into two chapters. Next chapter will be out very soon. Reviews are like presents, so please leave one. :)
Disclaimer: I don't own Rookie Blue.
Chapter 1
Sam and Andy were watching Jerry interrogate a suspect they just brought in when Sam's phone rang. "Swarek...What? Is she?...What happened?...Yeah...Yeah, okay."
Andy turned toward him, hearing something in his voice. "Sam?" In two strides she was by his side as he collapsed into the nearest chair.
"I...she...gone. She's gone."
Andy furrowed her eyebrows, trying to decipher what he was trying to say. "Who? Sam, you're not making any sense." She placed a hand on his shoulder, hoping it would offer enough comfort for him to tell her what was going on.
He was staring straight ahead through the window of the observation room, but she could tell his eyes were glazed over and unfocused. He pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath. "Sarah. She's dead."
All that could be heard was Andy's sharp intake of air as she comprehended what he'd said. His sister, his closest family, his best friend, a huge part of his life, had died. "How?" she asked when she regained her voice.
"Car accident." His voice was filled with emotion, but also void of it, if that were possible. Answering her questions with an unyielding calmness, but with a tone that told her he could break at any moment.
"Look, go change. I'll let Frank know we're leaving." She had to tug on his arm to get him to stand and pushed him gently through the door.
Less than 20 minutes later, Andy met Sam at his truck and jumped in the driver's seat without even asking. There was no way she was letting him get behind the wheel in the state he was in.
It was a quiet drive to Sam's apartment. Andy kept stealing glances at him as he stared out the window, but she stayed silent. When they arrived at his place, he walked through the door and dropped his bag unceremoniously to the ground before heading to the couch. She watched him as she locked the door and placed her bag next to his, before following him.
He rested his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands. "We can drive to St. Catharines tonight," she offered, sitting down next to him. She'd gulp down 10 coffees if it meant getting him down there if that's what he wanted.
"Nothing I can do there," he mumbled into his hands.
She rubbed a hand up and down his back, hoping to provide some comfort. But his sister just died, how could anything comfort him right now?
"You want to head down there tomorrow?" she asked.
He nodded. "I need to talk to Frank."
She wasn't sure if he'd forgotten, or in his daze he hadn't heard her before they left the station. "I already did. He said to take as much time as you need. He wants me to keep him posted though."
He looked up at her, his eyes giving her a silent 'thank you.' Her hand that had been rubbing his back rested at the nape of his neck, playing with the neckline of his shirt. She didn't know what to do next. Should she make him something to eat? People always offered food at times like this, as if making their stomach full would bring back the person they lost. Others would drink themselves into oblivion, but with a dad who was a recovering alcoholic, she knew drowning your sorrows wasn't the best idea. So, she was going to do what she did best, talk.
"Did they tell you what happened?" she asked.
"Uh, yeah. Drunk driver, he, uh, swerved across the road. Sarah couldn't get out of the way. She died at the hospital." He took a deep breath, exhaling slowly.
"I'm sorry, Sam. I'm so sorry." She scooted closer to him and wrapped her arms around him.
Sam looked down at his watch. Not caring how early it was, he realized he needed to shut out the world. Stop the images of Sarah trapped in a mangled car from floating around his head. Stop the pain he felt knowing that his big sister was no longer alive. "I, uh, I'm gonna go to bed," he said, standing abruptly. "You don't...you can...I'll be - "
She didn't let him finish what she knew he was trying to say. "I'm staying with you." She took his hand in hers and walked him to the bedroom. It's what he wanted, her to be close. But he didn't want to ask her to stay when he was broken, when all he really wanted to do was disappear.
They silently changed and got into bed. He wrapped an arm tight around her, his fingers gripping her hip in a way that would likely leave a bruise the next morning. But she knew he needed that, needed to hold onto her for dear life tonight. The bruise on her hip would fade, but she knew the one forming on his heart never would.
The next morning they got up early, ate a quick breakfast and stopped at Andy's so she could pick up some things before they headed to St. Catharines. Andy's allergy to silence had her chatting about anything she could think of; the cute thing Leo recently did, the ridiculous joke Dov tried to get everyone laughing at the other day, Chris' decision that his bedroom shouldn't be a revolving door anymore. And Sam was thankful. He didn't have to make awkward small talk or unpack his family baggage to her. She was content talking about anything and everything, and not asking about Sarah or his family. He wanted to tell her about his family someday, but feared talking about it now would unleash all of the emotions he was feeling, and he wasn't ready for that.
When they arrived in St. Catharines, they went directly to the hospital so Sam could fill out the paperwork for his sister to be transferred to the funeral home. He signed some forms and looked up at the doctor. "Can I see her?"
"Of course, Mr. Swarek. Have a seat and I'll have someone come get you in a few minutes," the doctor replied, before picking up the phone and giving orders to whoever was on the other end.
About 15 minutes later, a nurse approached them and asked them to follow her. They followed her to an elevator, and as she got off on another floor, and down a long hallway darker than the rest of the hospital. She made small talk about the weather, but Andy was the only one paying attention. Sam and Andy knew where they were being taken; the room where police officers bring family members to identify their lost loved ones. Sarah didn't need identifying, but Andy figured the doctor wasn't sure where else to have them view the body.
Andy hadn't let go of Sam's hand since they entered the hospital, but as the nurse indicated which door Sam should enter, Andy hesitated, wondering if Sam wanted her in there. "Do you, should I...do you want me to come in with you?"
Sam swallowed thickly, but didn't trust his voice, so he squeezed her hand tightly as he put his other hand on the doorknob and pushed the door open. They walked the few feet to the metal table in the center of the room. A gentleman on the other side of the table gently pulled back a sheet before stepping away into the shadows as if he were invisible. Sam looked down at his sister, her skin nearly as white as the sheet lying at her neck, her black hair matted to her forehead, the life gone from her. His free hand move the sheet so he could find her hand and, releasing Andy's for the first time, he grasped Sarah's lifeless hand in both of his.
"You said you'd never leave. You promised you would always be there. You broke - " He stopped when his voice started to crack and Andy put one hand on his back, the other on his forearm as she rested her cheek against his shoulder. "You broke that promise, Sarah. What am I supposed to do without you?"
He placed her hand gently back on the table and leaned down so he could place a kiss on his sister's cheek. He was taken aback by how cold her skin was against his lips, not wanting to think about the fact she would have been kept cold while they waited for him to arrive. "Goodbye Sarah."
As they walked out, hand in hand, Andy glanced over her shoulder at the invisible man who reappeared out of the shadows. "Thank you."
The nurse was waiting outside the room and held out a large manila envelope. "Ms. Swarek's personal items," she said. Noticing Sam wasn't moving, Andy reached out to take the envelope and nodded her thanks.
They left the hospital and drove to the funeral home in silence. A short gray-haired lady greeted them at the door with sincere condolences and ushered them to a back room where she waved them over to a small table. After they were seated, the woman, who said her name was Mary, opened a folder lying on the table and slid it over to Sam.
"Your sister had everything planned in case she ever died. She didn't want you to have to deal with the details," she said.
"Planned?" His sister's death had put him in a fog, making it hard to understand anything.
"What she wanted for a funeral, the wake, even down to the flowers. And, it's all been paid for."
"I guess she's a planner like you, McNally," he said, trying to crack a smile.
"She didn't want you to have to make the tough decisions, Sam," Andy said, resting her hand on his thigh. "She wanted to save you from that."
"She thought I'd be doing it alone. She didn't think I'd have any support with her gone." He placed his hand over Andy's and closed his eyes for a moment, thankful he didn't have to do all of this by himself.
"Mr. Swarek, all we need is for you to decide what day to have the wake and funeral," Mary said.
He shook his head, not knowing if there was protocol for this type of thing. "What would you suggest?"
"Based on experience, I would recommend the day after tomorrow for the wake and the following morning for the funeral. Notices will go out in the newspaper."
"That's fine, yeah, that's fine," he replied, nodding his head.
Sam signed a couple of forms and they left. "Are you okay?" Andy asked as they climbed into his truck. "I mean, I know that's a stupid question. You're sister just died, so of course you can't be, but, you know, are you?"
He put his keys in the ignition, but let his hand drop and fell back against the seat, closing his eyes. "I don't know. I. Don't. Know."
Andy thought at least that was a start. He wasn't lying and telling her he was fine when she knew he wasn't. She'd eventually break down the wall he built up around his emotions. She reached over and linked her fingers with his. "What now?"
He turned his head, surprised when she didn't press him about his feelings. "To Sarah's, I guess."
They walked through the door to Sarah's quaint apartment and Sam didn't know what to do or how he was going to get through this. Everything here was Sarah. It looked like her, smelled like her, felt like her.
The look on his face made Andy's heart break and she knew there was nothing she could do or say to take away his grief. She held out the envelope they'd been given at the hospital. "You should see what's in here," she suggested.
He shook his head. "You. I can't."
She sat down on the couch and carefully poured the contents of the envelope onto the coffee table. There wasn't much - a pair of glasses, a watch and some jewelry - but it was the beautiful pendant that caught her eye. She picked it up, placing it in her palm to get a better look. It was a tiny bird, flying away from a nest. "Look at this, it's beautiful."
Sam's eyes wandered to the necklace Andy was holding. "She loved that. Our mother gave it to her after her attack. It was a reminder, encouragement I guess, that she could leave the house and not be scared."
Andy carefully picked up all the jewelry and headed to the bedroom. "I'm gonna see if I can find a jewelry box to put this all in," she told Sam.
When she returned, Sam was looking around the room, knowing what he needed to do, but having a hard time starting the process. "Will you...will you help me sort through Sarah's stuff?" he asked. He'd never even introduced Andy to Sarah, despite her requests, and here he was asking her to help him go through his sister's things.
"You don't need to do that now. We can come back some other time," she said, placing a comforting hand on his arm.
"No, I need to. I need to do something. I can't just sit...sit and wait for the wake," he said as he walked in a circle around the room. He looked around, not knowing where to start.
"Why don't we go through the most important stuff first, stuff you'll likely be keeping," she suggested. When he didn't move, she looked over at a desk in the corner of the room. "Why don't you start going through the desk. Look for any important papers, loose ends that might need to be taken care of."
He sat heavily in the chair in front of the desk, opened one of the drawers and started pulling out files. Andy looked around to see what she could help with and saw an antique trunk that looked like it might hold sentimental items. She kneeled in front of it and opened the lid, seeing it packed to the brim. Sitting back on her heels, she pulled out the item that was on top, a small photo album. She opened it and saw recent photos of Sarah and her friends. There were even a couple of her and Sam mixed in. Smiling she put it aside and looked at what else was inside. There were a lot of mementos and to Andy they looked like precious family items.
"Sam, I think you're going to want to take this whole trunk," she said, looking over at him. He put down the papers he was flipping through and walked over to where Andy was sitting. "It looks like photos, family mementos."
"Yeah. Sarah's box of treasures. She was always afraid I'd lose something, being away from home so much with undercover work." He reached in and pulled out a large photo album that was worn and looked like it had been around for a long time. Sam took it with him as he sat down on the couch. Andy quickly joined him, lacing her arm through his.
He opened it slowly and Andy took a long look at the first photo. A man and a very pregnant woman stood on a porch with a young girl, maybe about four years old. With grins on their faces, Andy realized Sam's dimples were genetic. If she could ever get him to smile again, they'd match the dimples of the little girl and her father. The other photos on the page included the same little girl doing cartwheels and blowing out candles. "Sarah's birthday?" Andy asked.
"Yeah, her fourth. Just before I was born," Sam replied. He turned the page to more photos from the party. Everyone looked so happy.
The birthday photos were followed by some miscellaneous family photos, and eventually when Sam turned another page, there was the woman again, but this time cuddling a tiny baby boy in a hospital bed. "You were a cute baby." Her eyes moved to another photo and she giggled. "Even then, you were working the dimples."
Sam's lips curved into a small smile. "Trying to charm the nurses, I guess."
Andy leaned into Sam as they continued to flip through the photo album. Sam paused when he turned to a page that had a large photo of his whole family. His father was standing behind a love seat, dressed in a suit, arms on the shoulders of his wife who sat below him. She was dressed in a flowery sundress, with one arm around the shoulders of Sarah, who was dressed in a similar dress with what looked to be butterflies on it. In her other arm, she held Sam, wrapped tightly in a blue blanket. The happiness exuded from the smiles on their faces.
"The last family photo," Sam said, rubbing his thumb over the image. "Not long after he was taken away."
"What happened?" Andy asked quietly.
"He'd started drabbling in gun and drug trafficking through the mechanics shop he worked at. Said he did it to put food on the table, but there are other ways to make extra money." He clenched and unclenched his fist at the memory. He lost out on having a father because of what he got involved with. "He was busted, sent to jail."
He started slowly flipping through the photo album again, but Andy knew he wasn't finished talking, so she remained quiet, waiting for him to continue.
"When I met him that first time at Maplehurst, he promised he'd be back. But my mother decided she was done, filed for divorce and when he was released she refused to let him near us. He told us later that he knew the courts would side with her based on his past, so he didn't push. He kept in touch with letters for a while. Sarah would sneak him photos of us," Sam said.
When they reached the end of the photo album, Sam got up, put it back in the trunk and retrieved another album. "He tried to come back after Sarah was attacked, but everything was different," he said, returning to the couch. "He didn't stick around long."
"I'm sorry, Sam."
He shrugged his shoulders. "Sarah and I had each other."
The new photo album held photos of Sam and Sarah as children and the heaviness of the conversation was lifted when they couldn't help but laugh as some of the images. "You really loved torturing your sister, didn't you?" she asked when they came across a photo of Sam holding the head of one of Sarah's dolls in one hand, the body in his other.
"What? I was six? Dolls were stupid." When Sam let out a genuine chuckle at the memory, Andy couldn't help but smile. Maybe going through Sarah's things would be good for him.
Nearing the end of the album, Andy couldn't help but notice Sam's mother had gone missing from the photos. "Where's your mom?" she asked.
"She died. Her depression after Sarah's attack got the best of her and she overdosed one day," he explained.
"And your foster home comment a few months ago...you and Sarah were put in foster care, weren't you?" she asked, hoping she wasn't prying too much.
Sam nodded. Sarah had been 15, he'd been 11, when they woke up one morning to find their mother sprawled lifeless on the couch. Child services had tried finding their father, but to no avail, so they'd been sent to foster care. Bouncing from home to home for years. His father was eventually tracked down, but the courts deemed him an unfit parent and kept Sam and Sarah in the foster care system.
After more than an hour and two more albums of photos, Andy smiled seeing photos of Sarah's high school graduation. Sam looked so proud, and knowing what his sister had gone through, Andy knew why. She'd overcome a lot to survive and move past her attack. "You both look so happy."
"We were, until she realized our father never showed up. He'd promised. Told her he wouldn't miss it. We found out later that he'd been arrested days before and was in jail again. But he never even called," he said. He quickly flipped through the rest of the graduation photos. "She'd always held out hope about him, but it was gone after that. It was just us." His voice started to crack as the realization came over him again that there was no longer an 'us' when he came to Sarah and him; it was just him now.
He closed the album and placed it on the coffee table. As he leaned back against the couch, Andy cupped his cheek, running her thumb against his skin. He leaned into her touch and closed his eyes. He wanted to be in his apartment or her condo, having a lazy day off together. Not sorting through his sister's belongings because she was gone, never coming back. Never filling a room with her laughter again, never scolding him about not visiting enough, never telling him how worried she was when he went undercover.
"Sam?" She waited until he opened his eyes and looked at her. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Just..." He swallowed thickly, trying to find his voice again. "This. Being here."
"Wouldn't want to be anywhere else." She leaned in and placed a soft kiss on his lips. "It'll get better. They always say it'll get better." She didn't know who the 'they' was that deemed it would get better, but decided Sam needed to hear the hope that with each day, his grief would lessen and things would get better. So, Andy chose to believe the mysterious people who somehow knew everything would get better and only hoped Sam would believe it too.
They started looking through Sarah's belongings again, moving the things Sam wanted to keep into a pile in the center of the living room. They made a note to get some boxes to pack things into and Sam made a couple of calls about donating most of his sister's clothes, household items and furniture to local charities. Andy called Traci to update her on what was going on and let her know when the wake and funeral was going to be. She didn't know how close Jerry, Oliver, Noelle and Frank were to Sarah, but figured they would want to know.
Several hours had passed by before Andy glanced at her watch and realized they'd gone all day without eating anything. "Hey, we should check in at the hotel and grab some dinner."
"Not really hungry," he said, sifting through more papers.
"Sam, you have to eat. We haven't eaten since we got up." She was ready to use guilt to make him come to dinner, because she knew he couldn't resist her.
He put down what he was holding and sighed. "I just want to get it done."
"I know," she said, walking over to him. "But, we're not going to finish tonight. We can come back first thing tomorrow. You've got to be hungry and I know I am."
She wrapped an arm around his waist and he kissed her forehead. "You're right. Let's go."
They drove to their hotel and checked in. Not wanting to go far, they found a restaurant across the street and headed there for dinner.
When they got back to their room after dinner, Sam sunk into the couch. He had just grabbed the TV remote when Andy plopped down next to him and took the remote from his hand. He hadn't cried when he got the news about Sarah's death. He hadn't cried when he saw her lying on the cold metal slab in the hospital. He hadn't cried at the funeral home. He hadn't cried going through Sarah's things. But through dinner Andy finally saw his resolve weakening and now she saw emotion filling his eyes. She wasn't going to let him get lost in some ridiculous TV show to ignore what he was feeling.
She pulled him down, so his head rested on her lap, and she gently ran her fingers through his hair. She felt his breath becoming heavy and strained as he tried fighting his emotions. Her free hand slid down his arm until she could link her fingers with his. "It's okay," she whispered, letting him know it was okay to let it all go.
He brought their linked hands up to his lips so he could kiss her knuckles. Leaving their hands resting against his cheek, she soon felt the tears streaming down his face fall onto her hand. She released his hand so she could wrap her arm around his chest and pull him back toward her. She felt the silent sobs vibrate through his body as she held him. There were no words that could help, no words that would offer comfort, no words that would bring back his sister. So, she stayed silent and held him, tears forming in her own eyes for what he was going through, for what he lost.
She sat like that, with Sam in her arms, for what seemed like an eternity. He had stopped shaking and hadn't said a word, and she thought he might have fallen asleep. She moved her arm that was around his chest and had barely grazed his cheek with the back of her hand, when his fingers wrapped around her wrist gently. He brought their hands to rest against his chest and she could feel his heartbeat.
He knew he should sit up, but he wasn't sure how to do what was next. He wasn't one to cry, let alone in front of anyone, but somehow with Andy it was easy to let his emotions flow. Still, it was hard for him to face her after he'd cried in her arms. He sat up slowly, taking a deep breath.
She stared at him for a minute, taking in his red eyes, tear-streaked cheeks and nervousness. "Hi," she said, giving him a small smile.
"Hi."
She knew he was embarrassed about crying in front of her and didn't want to make him more uncomfortable. She wanted him to feel safe. She wanted to be there for him whenever he needed to release his emotions. "So, I was, uh, thinking of getting ready for bed. You know, if we want to get up early to go back to Sarah's."
As she started to get off the couch, Sam pulled her back down and framed her face with his hands before bringing his lips to hers. She hadn't pressured him to talk. She hadn't pointed out he'd been crying. She knew exactly what he needed. God, he loved this girl. She brought her hands to the nape of his neck as he deepened the kiss. It was full of passion and need and want. He broke apart as quickly as he started the kiss, but stayed close, nudging her nose with his as they both breathed heavily. "Thank you," he said, his voice low and hoarse.
She smiled and placed a light kiss on his lips. "Anytime."
He wrapped his arms around her, holding her close, and she rested her head on his shoulder. "And, you know, I'm here, when you want to talk," she said softly, her hand sliding up and down his chest. She felt him nod.
They quickly changed into their pajamas and collapsed onto the bed. It had been an emotionally exhausting day and Andy knew the next couple of days could only get worse. As they lay in bed, his grip wasn't quite as tight as the night before, but he'd pulled her half on top of him with his arm wrapped around her waist, holding her against him. She fought her closing eye-lids, wanting to make sure Sam had fallen peacefully asleep before she let it overtake her as well.