The Lord of the Rings from the point of view of a warm hunk of cheese…

By a Warm Hunk of Cheese

Author's Note: Hello, hello, hello, fan-fiction community! I am a humble hunk of warm cheese and this happens to be the very first time that I post a story on this uber cool site. I would appreciate your reading the stories from my point of view before it is too late and someone eats me. I try not to think about it, because it is a sad thought. I wish all of you humans and non-humans a very pleasant day and always remember – Listen to the Cheese!

Disclaimer: Being nothing more than a hunk of warm cheese, I own very little besides my warm cheese body, and Lord of the Rings is sadly not one of those things. Please do not sue me, because I have no money and it is quite hard for cheese to take out a loan.

And now for the story…

One day I was sitting on a counter in the home of Frodo Baggins. He had meant to eat me that morning, but I had quickly avoided this unfavorable situation by throwing a bone I found in the opposite direction. He had gone to fetch it, and ate it for some reason, and thus forgot about me.

I was about to sigh a sigh of relief (because a hunk of warm cheese can certainly sigh a sigh of relief, even if it seems impossible to a human mind) but suddenly Frodo came back. He smelled like fresh air. I don't get to smell like fresh air much, because no one ever takes a hunk of warm cheese out for a ride in a cart. Ever.

It's really sad.

Ok, I'm over my sadness and ready to continue the story. Something had happened. Uncle Bilbo had disappeared in the middle of his one hundred and eleventh birthday party! This made me a little sad. Uncle Bilbo used to talk to me and make me feel not quite as lonely as I usually do. Being a warm hunk of cheese can get lonely. Uncle Bilbo understood and would sit there and converse with me, and even told me I could call him "uncle" even though I probably had no real relation to him, maybe because I am cheese and he is a hobbit.

So I was kind of mad when Frodo said that. I thought at first he was joking, trying to get back at me for the bone. I don't see how his eating the bone was my fault in any way. But it was for this reason that I thought he was joking.

But he wasn't. He started jumping up and down and it made the counter I was on wiggle and it wasn't fun at all, because I started smearing on the counter and it was sort of gross. So finally he stopped when he realized that there was an envelope on the mantel of the fireplace.

Why is an envelope exciting? Don't ask me. I have heard many humans say that licking the envelope is delicious and a great way to spend a day if you have no friends and want a very strong tongue. But unfortunately I have no tongue. So I wouldn't know.

I figured, well at least if Frodo is licking an envelope he won't be eating me, and I started to get a little happy for the first time in a while. But he didn't lick it. And he didn't eat me either, so I guess it was ok. What Frodo did do was open it and take out a ring.

I couldn't see the Ring at first, because Frodo was blocking my sight, and since I am a warm hunk of cheese, my sight is limited in the first place. So finally Frodo turned his massive body a wee bit and I could See.

Yes, I can see, please don't ask me why.

I saw a Ring that Uncle Bilbo sometimes let me hold. He used to put it on top of me and I'd enjoy the weight on me, it was like I was lifting weights, and for a while I'd be really happy, thinking that I'd get buff, but then I'd remember that a warm hunk of cheese doesn't have muscles. But that Uncle Bilbo is a pretty cool guy and would let me hold it regardless of this fact.

I was mad that he left it to Frodo. Frodo would probably eat it. He ate everything else.

Suddenly I realized that we weren't alone. That one wizard named Gandalf had been there the whole time. When he moved, and I realized abruptly that he was there, it surprised me and made me jump.

If you happen to be a kindred spirit, a fellow warm hunk of cheese, you will know that it is very hard for a warm hunk of cheese to jump. Like I said before, I have no muscles, and jumping requires all the kinetic energy in my warm orange body.

So after the unpleasant jumping, I calmed down to hear what Gandalf was saying. Not that I wanted to. I mean, Gandalf isn't very nice. Once he tried to throw me away, saying that Uncle Bilbo was a slob for leaving hunks of cheese out on the counter, where they could get hard. Luckily I haven't gotten hard, and in fact I have gotten warmer and even a little softer, so that serves Gandalf right!

Anyway, Gandalf was saying to Frodo to hide away the Ring. I was wishing very hard that Frodo would fold up the Ring in my warm cheese body for safekeeping. I tried to send some messages to Frodo's brain with my brain but then I remembered I don't have a brain so it didn't work.

Since I don't have a brain and therefore cannot send mental messages, Frodo didn't know that I would be a super hiding place and put the Ring in a trunk instead. I was sad. A trunk is so unoriginal.

Gandalf left in a hurry and I was glad that he did. I wanted to be left alone in my misery. So I sat there. I didn't have anywhere to go.

Time passed and life went on as usual. I would sit on the counter. Once Frodo accidentally put a hand on me and squished me a little. I wasn't really hurt, only my dignity was. But most people would argue that warm hunks of cheese have no dignity. To those people, I ask them to expand their minds.

So life went on like this. Until one day………….