Author's Note: Here I go again with the crack. I haven't post anything for a while and I thought this super spoof might be funny. It was funny in my head at least. I'm not out to upset anyone out there (everything is based on my observations from the game) I'm just having fun.
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: I don't own KH.
Hello, Margaret Esmerelda (you can call me Mesme) here! Today I'm acting a spokesperson for the SPCB and I'd like to have a special little chat with all the fan girls (and fan boys) out there. What I would like to address is:
The Care and Keeping of Bishonen.
Yes we've all been there. That fine looking bishie looks like he's just begging to go home with you and be snuggled into itsy bitsy little pieces. Unfortunately, it has become apparent from the number of bishies that are reported lost or who end up being given up to adoption agencies, that very few fans know how to properly care for their bishies.
We realize often this sad turn of events is often not intentional, but due to misinformation. The SPCB (the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Bioshonen/Bishojo) is here to help.
We will address a few general guidelines and then move on to a specific example.
C&KoB Tip #1:
While a dungeon is the in-vogue place to keep you your bishies, there are few settings that are more depressing and that inspire the need for escape. Unless your bishie prefers the crypt-like setting (we are aware that in some cases daylight is a no-no), we recommend instead a simple, but secured spare room. This is for your sake as well as theirs. It is much more cost effective to invest in a few good locks and infrared sensors than it is to dig a dungeon (especially if you rent).
C&KoB #2:
Please remember to feed your bishie. We can't stress this enough.
C&KoB #3:
This one's important.
Most bishies are high maintenance. Please remember this before you bring that yummy little muffin home. They need and often demand attention, and if they don't get it they will seek it elsewhere.
It is a well-known fact that bishes who claim (sometimes repeatedly) they don't need anyone are lying through their teeth. It's no good being independent if there's no one to be independent at.
Some fans try to remedy this by bringing in a companion for their bishie. If the choice is carefully made, and the introduction is handled with care, this can be one of the best things you can do for your bishie. Two bishies can be easier to care for than one, if they are compatible.
(To clarify: by "compatible" we mean that when you come home, the roof will still be attached to the house.)
Now we will address a specific situation. For this example we'll use Organization XIII of Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories and Kingdom Hearts II fame.
Let's start with Axel.
He is one of, if not the most, sought after bishies in the game. He is also one of the more lethal characters. This is often forgotten, because during KHII his judgment was often clouded by his desperation to be reunited with Roxas. In CoM it is clearly evident that he is cunning and prepared to double-cross anyone to get what he wants.
If you are dead set on bringing Axel home, remember, his devotion to Roxas is sweet, but don't be fooled; he is not a nice person (we're not saying that he's a bad person, he's just not very nice).
Moving on, Axel is practically the poster boy for bishies who absolutely cannot be kept alone successfully.
He will go looking for Roxas.
No matter what kind of security measures you have in place, it's only a matter of time until he beats them, if by no other method, then by burning down your house and everything else within a one hundred meter radius.
The obvious solution is to bring Roxas home too. Axel is surprisingly likely to adapt to and settle into any situation as long as Roxas is nearby. Unfortunately, this is not the miracle cure many fans believe it to be.
If you thought Axel was bad, Roxas is ten times worse. There is practically no way to control this boy, and sadly, Axel is not enough to make him stay put. We've heard of some fans trying to use Riku to subdue Roxas (this is not recommended as it tends to result in major property damage). Some desperate fans have tried Xemnas, who through sheer intimidation, can keep Roxas around for a while, but it doesn't last, and as soon as Roxas is gone Axel will follow and then you're stuck with Xemnas (but that's a whole other pamplet).
So the question becomes: How do you get Roxas to stay put?
The answer: Naminé.
We know many of you will not like this solution, but after months of careful observation we have concluded that this only reliable way to keep Roxas reigned in. He will stay by her side no matter what, she is not difficult to look after (one of the least demanding bishojos out there), and there are several other benefits. Her presence will curb his restlessness and quiet some of his more violent tendencies (which is good news for your house).
There are some strings attached though.
Never, ever be mean to her. This will utterly destroy any good will you've built up. Roxas will drop kick you, level your house, take Naminé, and leave. And of course, Axel will follow, which counterproductive to your original goal of getting Axel to stay with you (to say the least).
If you are housing Naminé, Marluxia may show up whether you want him too or not. Who wouldn't want a bishie just to turn up at their door one morning? His presence may or may not become a problem.
If he does turn up, try to convince him to stay; otherwise he may kidnap Naminé, and then Roxas leaves followed by Axel. This is not hard. Stroke his ego; lay it on thick, shmooze. He will eat it up. Do it right, and he'll make your house his center of operations. Don't worry too much for Naminé's safety. He will not harm her, and you can rest assured that Roxas and Axel will be watching his every move.
One perk of having Marluxia around worth noting (and why I keep him around) is that this flora wielder can easily repair any damage Axel, Roxas, or other bishies may cause to the landscaping, often looking better than it did before it was destroyed.
(On a side note: this is also a good reason to keep Lexaeus around. While not technically a bishie, he is a member of Org XIII you won't be put on a waiting list for, and his element of earth is extremely useful for repairing the casualties of your more rambunctious bishies. Things like, buildings, sidewalks, the foundation, that crater where Cloud's room use to be, etc.)
The one real disadvantage to having Marluxia around is that he may compete with Roxas for Naminé's attention. And if Roxas is putting all his energy into this it will only compound the next problem, which is:
There is a high probability that Axel will become jealous. Remember the earlier tip about bishies needing attention? Well, Axel will stay wherever Roxas is and Roxas will stay wherever Naminé is, but the result of this set-up is a competition for Roxas's attention. Again, observational evidence indicates Axel will be the one to lose out. This is not always the case; just be aware that it is highly probable.
In the event it does occur, Axel is not very likely to harm Naminé (for the same reasons you should not harm her), but he will be miserable.
So to satisfy Axel's need for attention (if Marluxia has turned up at your home he will not do this) we must bring in another Nobody (bishies are like potato chips, it's hard to have just one). This is where things can get tricky.
Larxene and Demyx are the two most popular choices. Let's start with Larxene.
She is probably the most challenging member of Org to keep. Quite often, fans that have taken her in can't cope with her and she ends up in one of our shelters. Look up difficult in the dictionary and there's a picture of her.
Some fans seem to think she will settle Axel down.
NOT TRUE!
If ANYTHING she will wind him up even more. They can get along. They may even have fun, but it's the kind of fun that will have the police out at you house at 3:00am. If they don't get along, the police will be out at your house every day, possible every hour.
Let's assume, that they do get along (if they don't then the other bishies will be the least of your problems).
Larxene also may cause problems with Naminé. She can be very nasty to her. This is will tick Roxas off, big time. If Larxene gets too rough with Naminé, all hell will break loose. We're not talking about and officer coming out because of a complaint about the noise; we're talking a SWAT team and the bomb squad being called in, probably by you.
If Larxene learns a healthy respect of the Keyblade before things escalate to this level, you just might get away with it. But even assuming all goes well (or as well as may be expected), your trials may still not be over, especially if Marluxia is part of you little family.
Larxene may develop a preference for Marluxia's company and that means you're back at square one with Axel.
Before moving on to Demyx, there is one last compatibility issue involving Larxene that needs addressing. One fan I talked to thought she had hit on a clever idea to channel the Savage Nymph's aggression away from Naminé by redirecting to toward another target: Vexen.
This is not a recommended course of action, at least not in the scenario given above. While it is true that Larxene will target him instead of Naminé, you should never throw him in with a pack of neophytes. It's just plain cruel. They will eat him alive.
If you have one or two (or more) of the original members around, only then is it safe to introduce Vexen. Otherwise it will get ugly.
If you've finally got a somewhat stable situation with your bishies, meaning Naminé, Roxas and Axel (possibly Larxene and/or Marluxia) you can bring in Demyx.
Ahh, Demyx, the most huggable member of the Organization. Don't underestimate him though; he can pack a wallop when he wants to.
(Do your best to water proof you home, as we've checked with several flood insurance agencies and they do not cover damages due to water loving Nobodies.)
If the reason for bringing Demyx home is to keep Axel company while Roxas is busy with Naminé, don't let either of them know. If Demyx knows he will try too hard. If Axel knows, he will ignore the other out of pure contrariness. He may do this anyway.
The others will likely boss him around and pick on him too, even Roxas. Demyx isn't exactly popular with the other Organization members, and is bad at confrontations. He's pretty much got "omega male" stamped on his face. You may have to intervene from time to time.
But be patient. Demyx is the persistent type (he must be, how else would he have learned to play a sitar?) and Axel will come around eventually. You see he needs someone to bully and impress. He will quickly learn to moderate his bullying however, as Demyx will "go off the deep end" if he gets too nasty.
Eager to please Demyx will not mind all of this too much (so long as no one questions how he got into the Org), as long as he's allowed to play his sitar (we hope you like sitar music) and has access to a swimming pool, he'll be a happy bishie.
There are two other choices for a companion for Axel that are often overlooked: Xigbar and Luxord. They're not technically bishies, but don't disregard them. Neither will be subservient to Axel but they will keep him occupied and help minimize the destruction, and with all those bishies around, who would object to some extra help?
We hope this has shed some light on the complicated process of keeping and caring for bishies.
For those of you who already have bishies, we hope this helps you better care for them.
For those of you considering getting a bishie we hope this has given you something to think about. Not all bishies are as complicated as Axel, some are easier and some are even worse, just know what you're getting into is all we ask.
-Your friends at the SPCB
Yeah, I should probably apologize for writing this.