I rock myself back and forth on the train, my eyes raw with tears and mouth dry from screams. He's somewhere and I can't save him, I need Peeta for myself; Snow is forcing me on this tour, winners of the Quarter Quell, waiting to be reunited, me touring alone until my wedding day in the glorious Capitol. Peeta. My breath forever catching in my throat as I wait for him to engulf me in his arms and just hold me in his chest, never letting me go again, never again making me feel like this.
Haymitch is snoring opposite me, brown bubbling liquid dripping onto the plush blue carpets that absorb every spill, refusing to allow a single mark to be left. It's disgusting, pretending everything's clean. Everything is perfect when nothing is mentioned, everything is perfect when everyone lies. I release my legs gingerly standing up having not stood since sunrise, not wanting to leave where I sit and accept that I'm all alone. I walk to the window to take in the sunset, my precious golden sunset. The colours are beautiful, streaming rays in oranges and yellows into the darkening sky.
"Peeta."
Gentle as a whisper the word escapes my lips, almost foreign in its sound. I can rarely bring myself to say it, forever like a stabbing in my brain, a trigger that makes me want to scream. But screaming only makes it worse. Screaming only lets them tell me all the lies again. Somewhere that I can't reach Peeta is looking at this sunset, and he's waiting for me too. Each morning and each night we are together, connected by the glowing ball of light and every day I pray that he knows I'm thinking of him, that I couldn't forget him. I'll never forget to protect him because that's what we do. We protect each other. Only I can't do that now. I can't see him anymore.
Haymitch stirs, groaning as he reaches for the bottle waiting for him on the table. I've stopped trying with him after the Quarter Quell, he drinks and I just leave the next bottle for him. It's a mutual understanding that forgetting the pain of the games is crucial, because whilst the losers fall, the winners break and if Haymitch can stop that pain, I'm not going to stand in his way. I've tried drinking but it doesn't just make me forget, it makes me stop waiting for Peeta. I can't stop thinking about him because when I stop thinking I stop missing him and I get all confused, it's like he isn't a part of me anymore. Haymitch's groans grow louder and eventually he tries to stand, which leads to him rolling onto the floor, and lying face down. Finally a blemish the carpet can't conceal.
Effie's heels clicked from down the train, a mass of purple coming towards me holding those hideous cards she makes me read to the crowds. They're full of lies, lies that I don't want to say, lies about me, lies about Peeta, and lies about the games. It's all for suspense really, so that when I get to the Capitol our marriage will bring back the peace that has been lost, conceal the unrest like a blanket of snow and silence the callings for a revolution. I hate lying, pretending like I'm happy, not crying when I see the crowds filled with those who are starving when I have everything now. I'm the girl on fire turned a torch that is guiding people into a falsehood of harmony. I would protest but that would hurt Peeta, he's somewhere hidden from me within the Capital and he's right under Snow's thumb. "Katniss", she trilled, "we need to practise again; you keep dropping your vowels."
I look at her, through her, and walk down the carriage way until I reach my compartment. Behind me I can hear Effie tutting at me and whining about my sagging posture. I hate her. Haymitch sometimes slurs at me that she's only doing her job, but it's all a joke. She has no knowledge but that of walking and talking, cares about no one but herself and her darling President Snow for whom she swears by and will forever follow with blind trust.
Lying on the bed, I can almost feel Peeta's arms around me, tight and strong. I treasure the moment when there is nothing stopping my mind running away with him, his breath, his smell, his arms and touch. Everything about him can be mine and I don't have to forget him. I can still feel those kisses, from the games, from the first tour. The kiss that made me want him more than I could imagine because in that moment there was me and him and nothing else. I feel that now too, even though I'm all alone here, I know he's waiting for me and I need him, his everything. And with that I let in the dreams.
His face was opposite mine, holding out the berries. If someone tuned in now it would look like he was offering them to me. Our eyes were both trained on one another,
'three'
'two,' he swallowed them, his eyes hollowed and he collapsed. Wind erupted all over the arena as the berries were swept from me. I screamed, screamed and screamed and screamed. Tears cascaded down my face as I clutched his stiff, empty body. I searched, scrambling across the floor for any berries, any poison that would stop me living without him. Everything was gone, I was dragged from the floor by the metal claw, my lack of food the only thing stopping me taking his body with me. How could he? Together. We said together and he has left me, alone. How could he do that to me? Everything we have become is between two people, one team and now he left me. I want to hate him, I should hate him for leaving me in this vile, stupid world, but I can't. Only now do I know, love can come from the darkest of places.
When I wake, I decide I have to call Snow, I can reason with him, release Peeta and I'll stay in the Capitol, besides, Peeta will always be a better talker than me. I walk to the phone installed deep into the heart of the train, the dining room. I reach for the phone, listen to the soft crackle of the line and wait for a voice, Haymitch batsthe phone from my hand.
"What do you think you are doing Sweetheart?" his breath thick with the stench of alcohol filling my nose.
"I'm telling Snow that he should trade me for Peeta." It was so obvious to me that I had to do this.
He draws a heavy breath, "Sweetheart, he's dead."