Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto…
Kagura: All the characters in this story may result in MAJOR OOCness…There can and will be blood, serious hilarity, (eventual) sex *rotflhao*, nothing that makes sense, drugs, and VIOLENCE!!!! YAAAAY VIOLENCE!!!!! And don't forget the rabies!!!!
Sakunari: Revised and Redone on most parts so… Don't be scared. Everyone will be in for a surprise. But first…WTH is going to happen? So many things are bound to go wrong. Major OOCness and ADDness…and yes it is funny. Even more so if read out loud lmao. So read and review! Hope you all enjoy!
The Haunting
Chapter 1
"Hey Sasuke go in first! You can handle the situation a bit better…." Neji hedged staring at the creepy building.
"Uh… That's okay…you can go first," said Sasuke.
"No, you go first! It was that blonde brats' idea anyway!" Neji exclaimed.
"So? We all agreed to this little dare and you got here first. So you can go inside!" Sasuke stated.
"But you're the one with the awkward hairdo!"
"So? I can't help it if my hair is naturally amazing." Sasuke flipped his hair. "And since my hair is so much better than yours you can go in first!"
"But I told you to first!"
"I don't care." Sasuke smirked slyly and put on a nervous face. "Besides Neji you are much braver with this creepy stuff…I'm…not" He looked to the side watching the Hyuga's expression.
"…b-but…yea…I guess so…" Neji looked a little guilty.
Sasuke smirked. "Then why don't you go inside first?"
The longhaired boy blinked, thinking hard.
"… Because… I… have… this… um… this terrible backache" said Neji holding his back in a very pain like way.
"And I've been having these weird stomach cramps, and every time I go to the bathroom I see blood. I think I'm on my period?"
"… DUDE! You're a GUY! How the Hell can you have a period!" Sasuke exclaimed.
"HEY! How can you prove that I'm not a chick? Huh? What about my loooong shiny hair, my girrrrrlish features… the way I scream… and maybe even the way I run… What about those, huh? WHAT ABOUT THOSE!?" Neji said making a clawed pawing motion at the air and hissed.
"Neji if you were a chick…. and Naruto… I would be doing the both you right now… maybe even Gaara too…" Sasuke replied staring into space grinning weirdly.
Neji put a poor innocent tree between him and Sasuke and stood there staring at the raven with a WTF look on his face. 'Could he seriously do that?! …Well…maybe he would…after all his last name IS Uchiha… and man his brother is a perv!' Neji flinched, feeling even more creeped out by where his thoughts were heading,
"What?" Sasuke asked puzzled slightly as he looked at the Hyuga up and down, grinning, his thoughts clearly elsewhere.
At this Neji thought… 'Screw the hormonal crap, I'm going in!' He dived towards the building still feeling Sasuke's eyes on him.
Neji ran and Sasuke sweat dropped when he saw the Hyuga bust through the door shouting "DIVE-DIVE-DIVE!!!!"
When Neji disappeared into the house, Sasuke walked quickly towards the building also, not wanting to be left alone. "I think we should wait for red and the noob inside!"
-Ten Minutes Later-
BAM BAMSasuke flinched and looked up with a start "…Bambam!?" Sasuke looked around the room, but was smacked upside the head by Neji.
"This is NOT the Flintstone's stupid…it's the door…"
Sasuke blinked rubbing his head. "…Oh…go answer it…"
Neji looked at him eyes wide and whispered furiously. "I'm not going to open the door! It could be a crazed maniac!"
Sasuke sighed. "Fine" he headed towards the door but--
The door crashed open, causing the pair of ninja inside, who were still in a creepy room that was encased in shadows, to jump and shriek like little girls.
"Hey guys! Sorry I'm late! I had to obey an evil twitching squirrel or he was going to steal my nuts," said Naruto grinning as he ran into the old house.
Neji and Sasuke stared breathing hard from the scare, "…nuts?" They blushed lightly.
Naruto growled. "Come on I mean it as in food!" he whined while giving Sasuke and Neji a look that told them clearly to get rid of any fantasies they were having about nuts at that moment.
Neji and Sasuke glanced at each other still blushing then looked away quickly.
They blushed even harder when they accidentally looked at the blonde again and glanced down while doing so.
"Okay…anyways… is Gaara here yet?" Naruto asked pulling his orange coat tighter around himself.
"Hphm! Red? I haven't seen him since this morning! I'm beginning to think he's a chicken…" said Neji with a little bit more relaxed grin slouching against the door frame. "What a loser…"
"HYUGA! Ten HUT!" A deep commanding voice growled behind him.
Neji jumped as the voice was accompanied by the sound of unsheathing metal.
"SIR!" Neji snapped into a ramrod straight position holding a hand to his head in a salute. "What can I do for you SIR!"
"…Get on your knees and be my bitch…"
"YES S-S-S-S-S-I- W-W-WHAT!?" Neji spun around quickly and almost fell over when he spotted an evilly grinning redhead behind him, holding up a machete. "GAARA!?! You scared the living shit out of me!!"
Gaara blinked. "So? Do it."
Neji grinned and took a step back. "You're good! You should become a general or one of those creepy dungeon guys who skin their victim's alive right after they eat their eyeballs!"
"Hyuga! Quit trying to get out of it!"
"I-I wasn't…wait…get out of what?"
"You called me a loser and a chicken didn't you? Now I want revenge. So do Exactly as I said Hyuga, 'Get on you knees and be my bitch!'" Gaara said calmly, pointing at the floor. "Do it!"
Neji flushed but stared him up and down and seemed to think it over, which made Gaara blink and take a step away from him while putting away the machete quickly.
It was then that Neji glanced over to see Sasuke and Naruto hugging each other with tears running down their cheeks, faces beet red, as they seemingly tried to hold in their laughter.
When they saw Neji and Gaara staring at them with straight faces, they couldn't take it anymore and bust out laughing.
"KYAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! N-NEJI I C-CAN'T B-BELIE-VE YOU F-FELL FOR T-THAT!! KYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! AND YOU WERE ACTUALLY THINKING ABOUT IT TOO!!!" Naruto tried gasping for air, but that only made him laugh harder and roll on the floor holding his sides.
"KYAHAHAHA Y-YOUR T-THE L-LOSER N-NOW NEJI! HAHAHAHA N-N-N-NOW D-DO A-AS HE S-SAID!! KYAHAHAHA B-BEFORE I E-EXPLODE!!! KYAHAHAHA!!! I HAVE TO SEE THIS!!!!" Sasuke grabbed Naruto as they were laughing and they tried to pull each other up.
"NEVER!!!" Neji blushed brightly. "I-I HOPE YOU TWO CHOKE!!!!!" He hissed and grabbed Gaara by the arm but stopped when Gaara looked at him grinning at his comment, he blushed brighter.
Gaara stared until Neji looked away. "Let's get away from these idiots and finish this dare!" Neji muttered pulling him around the gasping two on the floor who managed to get their feet under them.
As they started towards the other door, Sasuke and Naruto were able to finish standing and followed, though they still chuckled slightly still thoroughly enjoying themselves.
Just as Naruto opened his mouth to say something else his words were choked back in fear at what they all saw in the next room.
The house was apparently a very, very, very old house covered with rickety floorboards, dusty furniture covered with white sheets, rusty chandelier chains, a large, infestation of rats, cockroaches who played poker in a corner opposite the rats, and huge, fist sized termites were seen everywhere.
The boys shivered as they walked in feeling the lonely, abandoned, "All Ye Who Enter Here, will die at my will," atmosphere.
(The house looked like no sign of life had been in it for a very long time, on top of all the things wrong with the incredibly old house it was haunted by several ghosts from the family that used to live there many, many years ago. When the house used to belong to a very wealthy family in Konoha until on a dark moonless night, smothered with rain clouds, did the family just up and disappeared. Or so it was said.
Some say that the family might still be in the house. Some even say that the family was hacked up by homicidal maniacs that escaped from the insane asylum because they took people away because they killed little kids and rape them before decapitating them and hang their lifeless headless bodies from the chandelier and laughing manically as they drank their blood straight from their severed heads.)
"This place looks like where a homicidal manic like Gaara might live" said Neji as he looked all around the room.
Gaara glared evilly and grinned. "Tehe…"
"…" *Silence in the peanut gallery*
-----------Five minutes later------------
Naruto was officially bored…even if he was scared.
"Hey guys!"
"Naruto shut up," growled Sasuke.
"No. Listen! I wonder if this place echoes!!!"
"…Good question…. and stupid…this place is old, and eerie. It has to echo." Neji said.
"Let's find out." Gaara smirked evilly looking at Naruto.
Naruto grinned, cupped his hands over his mouth, turned towards a random hallway and shouted, "I'M AGENT ORANGE AND YOUR WALLPAPER SUCKS!"
Naruto's voice boomed back at them.
"YEAH? WELL YOUR COLOR BLIND!!!!"
All three jumped and looked at a petrified Naruto who's eyes were wide and his hands were still cupped around his mouth.
"Holy crap! That was amazing Naruto! I didn't know you were a ventriloquist!" said Neji in awe.
"Yea Dobe you can actually put that loud mouth of your to better use!" Sasuke stated also in awe.
"Um…guys?" The boys stared at him, not liking this one bit. "…I'm not a ventriloquist…" Naruto replied looking back at Neji with fear in his eyes.
"That wasn't me…and…I don't even know what a ventriloquist is…"
"…Then who…" Gaara started but was cut off.
A loud malicious laugh sounded through the halls of the old house making dust fall from the ceiling and make the old rafters groan.
"W-what w-was t-that?" Sasuke screamed, latching onto Naruto who latched onto Gaara who latched onto Neji who latched on to Sasuke.
After a few seconds of eerie silence Gaara tried to shake the cowering Naruto off his leg but he clung onto him like a frightened cat with very sharp claws digging into his pants leg.
"GET OFF ME IDIOT!!!" Gaara growled.
"NO! Don't let them get me! No, I don't wanna be hung from a chandelier waiting for the homicidal manic to drink my blood from my skull!!!" Naruto pleaded continuously.
Sasuke let Naruto go to get hurt by Gaara and turned onto Neji who hugged him hard as the walls rattled.
Gaara finally got Naruto off by kicking him in the face "GET OFF OF ME!" Gaara snapped.
"Great! Now I smell like ramen and I believe some of your idiotism has now rubbed off on me!!!!" Gaara said smelling his shirt, while wrinkling his nose.
Neji and Sasuke were currently in a comfortable position of rubbing each other's cheek with theirs and stroking each other's hair.
"Uh guys," said Naruto as he sweat dropped when he saw what they were doing.
"Leave them be Naruto if they want to be their gay selves and get into each other's pants let them" said Gaara turning away.
"WE ARE NOT GAY!!" they both shouted looking offended, but stood there blushing staring at each other after reluctantly separating.
"Oh yeah? then why do I have this picture of you two in Cancun kissing each other during spring break?" said Gaara flipping open his wallet and showing them "did I also mention that you two did get into each other's pants already?"
Sasuke blushed bright red and stared at the picture Gaara held out. "I WAS DRUNK DAMNIT!!! IT'S NOT MY FAULT HE LOOKS LIKE A GIRL!!!"
"I may look like a girl but that doesn't mean I am one!" Neji replied.
"Besides! I would have stopped when I realized you were a guy!"
"Then why didn't you?"
"I... I... I-I WAS DRUNK!!!!"
"Huh… well then no wonder my ass hurt so much…" Neji wondered aloud turning to look at his bottom.
"I don't want know that!!" Sasuke exclaimed, covering his ears.
Naruto walked into a room his only thought was 'maybe I should have brought more ramen?'
A few seconds later a sudden girlish scream sounded out through the deserted halls.
"Neji…did you just scream like a five year old girl?" Sasuke looked pointedly at the brunette.
"NO!" Neji exclaimed insulted.
"Then who?" Sasuke thought for a second and his mind trailed to the blonde idiot.
"Naruto…" Sasuke seethed through gritted teeth.
"Naruto…you better not be playing a joke on us, cuz if you are I will literally beat the living crap out of you." Sasuke growled as he followed the girlish scream to find a petrified Naruto clinging to the ceiling frightened.
"I-I-I t-thought I saw a ghost… but it was only a sheet covered over a chair"
"IDIOT!!! IT'S NOT THE TIME TO BE DOING STUPID STUFF LIKE THAT!!" shouted Neji and Sasuke.
"But it scared me and it looked like a ghost ready to rip my soul out" Naruto whined a teary puppy-dog stare took hold of his face.
Suddenly the walls and the floors started groaning under their weight, then the floorboards started to rattle uncontrollably sickly greenish light shined through the floor gapping upwards as the three stared in awe as the floor became more and more violent as it thrashed about.
Then the floor burst open and dropped each ninja into different rooms of the old house.
Naruto landed hard on his head in the biggest kitchen he had ever seen in his one-tracked minded life.
Sasuke was lost in a very long corridor that seemed to have no end.
Neji landed in a gorgeous decked out bathroom.
And what the hell? What ever happened to Gaara? Hell if we know…
696969696969696969696969696-_______*MOO*_______-
-With Naruto-
"OMFG this is the biggest kitchen that I ever saw in my one-tracked minded life!" Naruto shouted as he could barely hold his happiness in.
"I wonder if they have…?" Naruto started as he opened up the cupboards. Naruto had his very breath taken away the most beautiful thing that ever crossed his vision was right in front of him on a silver jewel encrusted platter. Ramen and tons of it.
"I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE THIS PLACE!" he shouted as the dropped to his knees and started saying heart-melting prayer.
"Ramen Lord, I know you're a very, very, very, very, veeeeeeeeeeeeeeery busy spiritual entity, but THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH MORE THAN well not more than ramen itself BUT I LOVE YOU!!"
As he tried to take the very first box off the silver jewel encrusted platter he realized that the sacred ramen could NOT! Be touched by mortal hands.
"NO FAIR!!! How come I can't touch it?! HEY YOU SPIRITUAL PIECE OF SHIT WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THIS! I THOUGHT WE HAD A DEAL YOU WOULD GIVE ME RAMEN ON A SILVER JEWEL ENCRUSTED PLATTER AND I WOULDN'T SHOW THOSE PICTURES OF YOU WITH ANOTHER CHICK! YOU WOULDN'T WANT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO YOUR REP NOW WOULD YOU!?" Naruto shouted but as he tried to reach for the sacred ramen again the floor caved in and he plummeted down, down, down and…. down to a very, very dark room in the middle of the room was a dimly lit light bulb.
The blonde stared in a mesmerized trance at the dimly light and as if the light floated in mid-air the blonde still in a trance stepped towards the light.
The blonde now drooling down at the light placed his hands around the only supply of warmth.
"A.D.D… kicking in… must touch…. the light…." Naruto said as his A.D.D kicked in.
"(Sniff, sniff) hmm I smell something. Smells like burning flesh" Naruto pondered as he continued to sniff the flesh burning air.
"Ahhhhh the light it burns us!" Naruto shouted
"Let go of the light bulb stupid," growled a low-toned demonic voice.
69696969696969696969696969-__________*MEOW*_____________-6969696969696969696969
-With Sasuke-
"Stupid house, stupid hallway, stupid floorboards, stupid spirits, stupid spiders, stupid creepy portraits who's eyes are following my every move, stupid Neji, DAMN YOU TOMTOM WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU!!!!" Sasuke cursed as he walked down the hallway, apparently lost.
He turned down a narrow hallway and started opening random doors. "Empty…empty…torture chamber…memorize location for later…empty…room full of plotting squirrels…what the hell?" Sasuke shook his head and sweat dropped when a few started after him with a skewer and plate.
Running down the hall and around the next corner he continued opening doors. "Empty…also empty…indoor theatre…empty…………indoor beach…? What are they coming up with these days?"
He continued on.
"Empty…bar…pool…circus…zombies…Deidara and Tobi making out…uh anyway…another torture chamber…male strip---!!! HUH!?!" He looked up and down the hall, and seeing nothing, started to reopen the last door but stopped himself with a smack on the face.
"NO! Bad! I don't know how they got here but I can always come back later…but first I need to find the guys!" He told himself and made himself walk to the very end of the hall and turn down another corridor.
Soon he saw an old wooden door that was very different from the doors he last opened. Making sure no one unwanted followed him, he opened the door as stealthily as the ninja that he was could.
As he peered into the room he saw that it was very quite empty and it looked like an ordinary bedroom except for a suspicious cedar chest that looked well…very suspicious.
Sasuke face palmed. "I knew I should have bought that damned TOMTOM! Damn Me and my video game obsession!!"
Sasuke glared at the chest and bent down and tried to pry open the secretive chest that held secretive of all secretive secrets.
It popped open. "…I thought these things locked?"
"MAMA!!!" A very deep childish demonic booming voice came out of nowhere.
"GYAH!!!!" Sasuke yelled dropping the metal pipe that appeared next to him to use in defense of…well…whatever was to be defensive about…it slipped from his hand on to his toes.. "OW! GOD DAMN MOTHER FU---" "He hopped around on one foot trying to sooth the pain of the other and lost his balance and instead of falling on the floor the chest moved, bumping into his legs and made him fall into it closing and teleporting him to places unknown.
Later
Awakening in a deep dark middle of nowhere place, Sasuke sat up and rubbed his head. "Ow…damn… where am I?"
"You are STUCK IN ME!!!" The demonic voice shouted and a cedar chest appeared in front of Sasuke from out of nowhere.
Sasuke blinked at the abnormal appearance then cringed. "Eww! Why do you have to say it like that?!"
-Twenty Minutes later-
"And that's why you never do drugs," sobbed the chest.
"Ahhh that sucks" Sasuke comforted the chest person who he found was named Steve. "Now can you let me out please?"
"NEVER BITCH!" Steve replied.
"Please?"
"HELL NO!!!!"
"Why not?"
"BECAUSE I'M IN CHARGE HERE AND WHAT I SAY GOES!!!" Steve exclaimed.
"But WHYYYY?!?!" Sasuke whined
"Because that's why now shut up bitch or you'll never see the light of day again"
"(Sniffles) meanie"
"…"
"Hey Steve?"
"THAT'S THE ALMIGHTY AND POWERFULLY HORNY STEVE TO YOU MINON!"
"I was wondering your not the type of cedar chest that rapes little emo ninja's are you?" Sasuke asked cowering in the corner away from the almighty and powerfully horny Steve.
"…."
"Steve…?"
"…………………."
" Steve? …ANSWER ME DAMNIT!!!!"
"………(Smirks)"
"LET ME OUT OF HERE!!! I DON'T WANNA BE RAPED BY A HORNY CEDAR CHEST!!!" Sasuke shouted trying to escape from the little emo ninja-raping chest.
"I'LL GIVE YOU A COOKIE!!!" Sasuke begged.
"…No"
"I'LL GIVE YOU A MUFFIN!!!!"
"………. Maybe…"
"FINE!" Sasuke shouted at last. "I'LL POLISH YOU TO YOUR LIKING!!!"
"Well… the polish sounds nice…and I do love muffins…" Steve shouted angrily.
Sasuke sighed. "Fine… if you let me go…FOREVER… I will polish the chest you're stuck to and be on my way!" He said nervously.
"…"
"Steve?"
"… Okay I'll do it. But on one condition…"
69696969696969696969696969-_________*BARK*___________-6969696969699696969696969
-With Neji-
"OMFG! I can even see myself in the tiling!! Its sooooooooooo clean in here. I LOVE THIS PLACE I'M NEVER GOING TO LEAVE!!!" Neji said in awe.
Walking up to the mirror he screamed. "OH MY GOD I LOOK HORRIBLE!!!!" Catching his breath he slowly looked again.
"Oh no… here's the problem!" He reached up to his forehead and very carefully put the loose strand of hair back in place. "There! NOW I LOOK HOT!!!!" He shouted giving himself thumbs up in the mirror.
"You sure do! But, what about me?" A voice said.
Shrieking in shock Neji looked into the mirror. Seeing only his reflection he sighed. "I must be hearing things… but I'm still hot!!!"
"Wha-?" For a second he thought he saw his reflection move of its own accord. But just shook his head. "I'm still a little dizzy from the warp thingy so it's all in my head…" He said out loud trying to comfort himself.
"No… you're quite alright!" The cheerful voice came again. This time Neji looked into the mirror at his reflection.
"Are… y-you t-talking to m-me?" He stuttered pointing at his reflection as it did the same to him.
"Yeah, who the hell else would I be talking too the fucking wall? Or do you just want me to talk to your Momma who only watches Internet porn because she can't get any!?!" Neji's reflection snapped, Neji stared in an awed, shocked like stare; his eyes were fixed towards the image of his hot self.
"What the hell is this witchcraft? HOW the hell are you talking to me!? AND DON'T YOU DARE SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY POOR DECEASED MOTHER YOU PEDOPHILE!!!!" Neji shouted. "Now…TELL ME… HOW… I GOT HERE!"
His reflection sighed, shoulders sagging. "Allow me to put this in a simple, yet sophisticated way" the reflection replied
-Ten Minutes Later-
"Oohhhh I see now… No wait, I still don't know what the hell you said" said Neji, he shook his head and glanced around the bathroom.
"OMG you really are stupid aren't you?"
"Are you my conscience?" said Neji blinked.
"No… but let's go with that," replied his reflection,
"Okay…if you're my conscious I thought you would be a cricket or something…"
"This isn't Pinocchio," grumbled the reflection.
"Alight, then but can you answer this question…"
"What?"
"Do you know why I bleed?"
OoO"""
"Reflection of beautiful me?"
"…OxO""""…"
"Hello? Anybody home?" Neji said as he tapped on the mirror.
"Sigh…this is going to take a while" sweat dropped the mirrored image of the Hyuga.
-????-
Stare.
Stare.
Stare.
Stare.
Stare.
"What the hell is this shit…?" Green eyes blinked.
(END…never mind DON'T KILL US!!!…See Ya Next Chapter…)