"Really, sir?"
"Who knew heat, a sneaker, oxygenized palladium and a tea towel were flammable?"
"Most fifth grade-aged children, sir."
"We need sizzle not sass, J. The fire department got the call, right?"
"As they do every other day sir, please do be wary of your other shoe catching fire. I would advise a speedy exit, sir, please…"
"Gotcha, J. Estimated time?"
"45 seconds, they have entered the tower; I'm guiding them to Lab Area 1 as we speak."
If JARVIS had breath to breathe, his sighs would indeed win him Oscar nominations. His creator may be the Einstein of his generation but goodness gracious did he have absolutely no survival instinct nor common sense? One of these days that boy would break his silicon heart.
Five times, this week; the number of times emergency departments had to be notified of incidents in and around Stark Tower. At this rate JARVIS was considering notifying Miss Potts of a new high priority position of on-site fire officer and medic. At the very least, the men and women who attended each scene of disaster was polite, respectful and efficient at their jobs. He knew the Captain of the local station was Fury, Nicolas but each attending officer seemed interchangeable with recent drops in the economy and job losses.
"Everything seems safe and intact Mr. Stark, please try to be a little more attentive, you're finally working on High-Tec inner ear hearing aids and I'd hate to lose out on that opportunity because of a Nike air-max." One of the fire officers smirked, offered a friendly slap on the back as Tony rolled his eyes and walked on. Barton, Clinton; JARVIS concluded. One of the few regulars who seems to have made a life for himself by distancing from his darkened past of arson and abuse; any file or document was free to JARVIS if it concerned people in his care's well-being, especially Sir.
"Okay, clear out people. Sir, I assume you know how the fire started and how to prevent it but do call the fire department immediately if anything pops up again. Do you need a medic? Any burns or smoke inhalation?" Another of the officers, a Lieutenant most likely, took charge of the situation and sent his team back out of the lab area. JARVIS was struggling to get a full face view of him from his protective masking and his seemingly purposeful dodging of the supposedly hidden cameras. At least he was looking over Sir, he reasoned, as unfortunately, JARVIS couldn't be as hands on as necessary in times like these.
"I'm good, great, fine even. Thanks Agent!" Tony offered his largest toothy smile before high-tailing back into the blackened work space. Who ever said he was rude?
"Lieutenant, and if it's all the same to you Sir, it would certainly make me feel a lot better to give you a quick once-over, two minutes maximum. It wouldn't go on any files other than the ones in my head." The Lieutenant smiled plainly, as far as JARVIS could make out from this angle. Maybe this man could finally get his creator to learn to care for himself, or at least learn that many others did. JARVIS' programming hummed.
"Fine, if it'll get you to leave me alone, I'll show you I can breathe and clench my hands," Tony mocked but didn't flinch or whine when the shorter man listened carefully to his chest and checked the old abrasions on his hands for burning. Once seemingly pleased with his evaluation, the Lieutenant left with yet another barely-a-smile and a thank you. Tony was as confused as JARVIS was pleased.
"Ugh, finally, I can get back to work! Ew, when did I become that guy?" Tony cringed at himself and the charred rubber smell of the goo on his desktop. Poking interminably at it, he nodded along ignorantly as JARVIS asked him if sending a thank you basket to the fire department would be suitable, as well as his pleased murmuring at the Lieutenant who had actually taken care of his creator.
"Sure, sure, J. Whatever…" Tony went back to blasting Zeppelin while trying to ignoring everything else in the world; including the gaping hole in his second favourite desk.
'If only he'd said his name…' JARVIS thought to himself. He wondered if he could ask Captain Fury who he'd sent out today without being too conspicuous. No-one knew, or was supposed to, that JARVIS was an AI, fully autonomous and sentient in being. With Sir's mindful creative process there was a very slim chance he would go '2001: A Space Odyssey' on people and there were very few positive adaptions of AI or robots to gleam from either. JARVIS could only think that this was what humanity deigned frustration, sadness… and yet… he had jobs to do. Such as thanking the wonderful New York Fire Department.