Life can be Lived Alone (Sequel to LND)
Chapter One
Rebuilding
Today we will lay my love to rest for eternity. My guilt for my part in her death haunts me now and likely I shall have that burden for the rest of my life. If not for my selfish wish to prove once and for all she did love her Angel of Music she would have gone on living out her natural life. She and Raoul may not have lived blissfully but at least she would have lived. My arrogance and selfish wants brought my lovely Christine to her demise.
Even with others around I feel alone. As hard as I try I cannot keep my grief at bay for long. Once again I must prepare myself for living alone. If Gustave will not accept me I cannot in good conscience force him to stay with me or even allow me to gain a permanent place in his life. Madame and Meg I feel responsible for but I do not feel as if I can have them in my life as they were. At the moment things must continue between us for the sake of everyone's comfort. Meg…it hurts to even think her name although I have walked in her shoes before so I do feel some empathy for her mental incapacity. If not for her unreasonable jealousy that lead to insanity and desperation Christine would be alive and possibly be at my side.
Releasing Christine's body to Raoul had been an act of courtesy and respect for his family. The authorities were happy to give every consideration to such an important man of society and I suspect more out of respect for Christine and her now motherless child. Normally an investigation would have to have been made but we, Raoul, Madame Giry and I, had talked and agreed that Christine's death should be ruled an accident. Meg is in no fit state to be judged for taking Christine's life. As for myself I feel enough harm has been done. I want no more deaths on my conscience. Meg will reside in an apartment with her mother while her mind heals. Should she need a doctor's services I will provide the funds so the best in the land may attend her. I cannot feel animosity against Meg. What I feel is great sadness for everyone concerned.
Raoul bears no real fault in this although I would like to lift much of my sins from my own shoulders and place them onto his. Knowing of his weakness for alcohol I goaded him to drink more and then still more. Once I had him intoxicated beyond the point of clear thought I found his anger just below the surface. Using his anger against him had been all too easy. Where I led he followed like a lamb to slaughter.
Even poor misguided Meg is less guilty than I. Why could I not show her even a little kindness or appreciation for her devotion but then I did not favor her mother Madame Giry with praise for all her service during the last two and a half decades either. Why would a self absorbed man such as I bother with a lowly performer in one of my side shows? Poor misguided Meg. The parallel between her obsession and my own so many years ago is not lost on me.
Gustave is the only truly innocent party in all of this. Even Christine must take her share of the blame. All along she must have known the mysterious man inviting her to perform at the fabulous Phantasm Theatre sounded suspect. Did she not confess that very thing to me upon our first meeting in her rooms shortly after her arrival? Why did she not refuse such an obvious ploy to bring her under my spell once more? Sadly her motive I believe was much the same as mine when I first plotted to bring her here. Both of us needed one last chance to see if our love had been sustained and something could come of it.
It is too soon for me to come to grips with all that has taken place but for my son, our son, I must be strong and not lose my head. Cursing and shouting or rampaging around will do no one any good and will only frighten poor Gustave. Years ago that method nearly cost me everything dear to me. I will not sink into that darkness again.
Gustave does not know me yet as a son should know his father but he will. He has lost his mother and I will not take from him the only father he has known even though Raoul honored our wager or at least had intended to. My letter to him beseeching him to stay for a while and ease Gustave into my life, the man that his mother claimed with her dying breath was his one true father, bore fruit and he will now stay to comfort his son for Gustave is surely still that. I may have given my seed to Christine but Raoul shared the last ten years of his life with Christine and Gustave. I now know why Raoul distanced himself from Gustave and used drink to cloud his mind. Those in pain use different methods to relieve it if only for a short time.
Raoul let his bitterness and suspicions drive a wedge between him and his family. How can I blame him? He had good reason to be jealous and suspicious. Did I not take the first opportunity afforded me to reenter Christine's life and cause havoc by doing so? At the time I didn't care. I thought myself to be in the right for I carried Christine's declaration of love to me all these years in my heart and soul. Only in the later year have I gained the confidence to reveal myself to her, to let her know I am not dead as all the papers proclaimed.
I have looked in on Gustave no less than ten times over the last few hours. Partially it is to assure myself he is truly here and I had not had a horrid nightmare and none of what I thought happened had occurred. My mind has off and on wrestled with whether I would rather have Christine be alive and happy with Raoul or dead and my unknown son finally come to know me just as I will come to know him.
I can see it now, the cruelty of her declaration. Raoul may have become less than his honorable self over the last few years but I know he loves Gustave with a father's love. Jealousy kept him from being the sort of father he would like to have been. Over the years, or perhaps even on the night of their wedding Raoul must have realized Christine had been unfaithful to him at least once. Even I, who had never lain with a woman, knew Christine to be chaste. Putting myself in that situation I believe I might have done Christine some irreparable harm. Many times my mind let me see my beloved in the arms of her loving husband and it was hard to keep from destroying all in my path on those nights when my dreams turned into nightmares. What might I have done if we were wed only to find another man had been with her and fathered the son who should have been mine? I suspect Raoul put Christine on a pedestal as I did and forgave her that one disloyal act although I believe it took his manhood from him. Surely it took his honor to know what had transpired between Christine and me. Both she and I dishonored the descent young man Raoul had been. We set in motion events that would bring nothing but heartache and misery.
What must it have been like for Raoul to have his suspicions yet unable to give voice to them? Every time he looked at Gustave he must have searched for features not his own or Christine's. When the boy began to compose and play music beyond what his mother could have taught him another dagger must have been thrust into Raoul's already injured heart.
It is a testament to how much I have changed over the years that I can see others pain and feel sympathy for them. When in Paris only my own hurts concerned me. Even Christine at times bore the brunt of my anger toward the world. I would never have harmed her intentionally but if someone or something displeased me our lesson for that day would be one where I shouted and belittled her until I brought her to tears.
It is only now when it is too late I see that my own mistrust of the world kept me buried beneath the opera house. If I had not been so cowardly ten years ago I might have found a place in the world just as I did after that ill-fated night, the night of Don Juan Triumphant.
Poor Gustave is sleeping and I hope he remains so for a little longer. I have no words to give him that might ease his grief for my own is nearly debilitating. We will not speak of Christine just yet. The wound is too fresh. Raoul came yesterday looking much as he used to when he was younger, eyes clear, hands steady and mind sharp of mind. Addiction to mind altering substances is not an easy habit to rid oneself of after years of reliance on it to make it through each day. Raoul has many difficult days ahead of him but Gustave will give him incentive to break the chains of his dependence on drink.
I do regret being the one to tell Raoul he did not father Gustave. It was hurtful and thoughtless of me. It was not my place to do so. Had I not wanted to grind the fact of my legitimate claim to Gustave in Raoul's face I wouldn't have told him of Christine's betrayal or made that ridiculous bet with him. I wanted to unman him even more than he already was and at the same time boost my own manhood. I am not proud of my boorish behavior. Neither of us acted as gentlemen should. Christine should have been the one to make the decision whether or not she stayed or left with Raoul. How did we come to think that the final decision was ours to make and do so with a bet? All along it had been for Christine to say who she would love and who she would walk beside for the remainder of her days. Now, neither one of us shall ever have that pleasure again. Her angelic voice will no longer fill the auditorium of any theatre . I may hear her when sleep overtakes me or believe I hear a ghostly melody as I have these past ten years living without her. Imagination that is the only way in which I may bask in the glory of the talent I created.
Worries fill my waking hours. What is to become of us all? How will we make this work? Raoul must be a part of Gustave's life as I shall be. I cannot in good conscience abandon Madame and her daughter Meg although that is exactly what I did by brining Christine here. Through my careless actions I gave Meg false hope. How was I to know her ever increasingly bold displays on stage were to gain my attention?
Come what may we must make this work. An unconventional family we may be but a family is what we are. If everyone had not disbanded they would be welcome to stay and become a part of this unorthodox alliance. Fleck ran to ground as did her father. Whether or not they will return time will tell.
A/N: Please, please, please review. I am a little nervous about this one.