Forgive our faults when they're shameful

Let's be honest with ourselves

"Reassemble", A Day to Remember

He fucked up. Honestly, and probably irrevocably, fucked up.

It wasn't as though Eli didn't know what he was doing either. Probably every decision he ended up making involved a constant tug-of-war between his brain and his heart; did he want to be sensible or brash? It was normally the latter of the two. Why else would he think convincing Emma to break into a yuppie model home with him was, in any way, a good idea? Well, part of him felt that that would come across as dangerous, as romantic; as maybe even – dare he think it – cool. But as much as he mildly loathed many things 'cool' and 'acceptable' and goddamn 'conventional', he also desperately wanted to fit in so much that he would go out of his way to impress a girl.

Eli's heart wouldn't stop pounding like it was about to burst from his chest long after he had dropped Emma off at her house. She had been wordless during the entire journey home from the burning wreck they had left behind, and refused to let him walk her to her front door. Instead, she simply mumbled a quick, "I gotta go," before disappearing into her house. Eli stood on the sidewalk gazing at the shut front door for a good minute, unsure of what to do next. It felt like his body was slightly broken as he inched backwards and forwards a few times on the spot, desperately wanting to run up, ring her doorbell and…what? Say what? After what he'd revealed to her – that he had a past with the police – she wouldn't trust him to be anywhere near her home. Ironically of course, if Emma had looked out her window at the time and seen him still gazing at her front door – hesitant, yet strangely adamant – it would have basically guaranteed she would never speak to him again because that was a considerably creepy thing to do.

All Eli knew was that he wanted to apologise for that night; a night that should have been nice and simple, and perhaps a little dreamy. A part of him wished he could explain himself, but he also knew the outcome of that would be moot. Emma was one of the very few people in Lakewood to give him a chance, and he had blown it. He couldn't make it about him at all; she just wouldn't trust that nor should she.

Eli finally left her house in a kind of stupor, exhausted from the adrenaline rush of his botched plans. He decided to walk aimlessly for a while; it wasn't as though anybody was expecting him home early. His mother never expected much from him anyway. She somehow lacked the kind of familial 'gene' people seemed to think all mothers had upon first sight of their newborns. Tina Hudson loved alcohol more than anything else in the world, so even if her son turned up dead in a ditch somewhere in pretty, pristine, perfect Lakewood, she probably wouldn't care. If it weren't for the murders, this hazy, quiet town would've been a haven for families. In fact, it clearly was before the events of a year ago. But not his family. Back home, it's tumultuous and ugly and dejecting. At least out here, even with a killer on the loose, Eli felt a little safer. He was almost ready to live through this morbid Lynchian fantasy that rushed through his head, uncovering the cracks in immaculate things. It was reckless, but that's basically all he had going for him.

Take the alternative bad-boy approach; maybe she's not heard that one before. She'll probably like it. It's new. Exciting. Freeing. Stupid. Fucking stupid.

But was it 'fucking stupid' to mess with his cousin's girlfriend? A resounding hell no, because as far as Eli was concerned, he owed Kieran nothing. Choosing to live with him in Lakewood had to have been one of his best and worst schemes, and he's had a few of those. Freeloading off his cousin's luxuries was relatively mild. It would only inconvenience Kieran at most, especially compared to all the times Eli had quite literally been stepped all over for simply existing.

Eli could admit to being sneaky and opportunistic any day of the week, but being in such close proximity to this person he despised so deeply, yet somehow felt an intense need to protect out of filial piety… that well and truly killed him. It was his biggest secret of all; bigger than the break-ins, the petty theft… It was pretty much the crux of who he was at this point. Like it or not, Eli was defined by all the crap Kieran had put him through, ever since they were children.

The restraining order should have been the last straw and in some ways, Eli could feel a little better about derailing Kieran's life because it was like a comeuppance. What Kieran had done went beyond simply telling lies about someone and getting them into trouble. It had effectively isolated Eli and to this day, he lived on edge of people's judgements, even if they knew nothing about him. In fact, he barely knew how to interact with strangers without coming across as inappropriately curious, or deadpan to the point of misunderstanding. Eli never had friends in Atlanta; who would want to befriend the kid who supposedly became so obsessed with some girl she had to legally keep him away from her, right? Yet it wasn't his fault. None of that was him. It was all Kieran and nobody believed him.

I feel like–

–like the world's closing in on you?

Eli knew exactly how Emma had felt earlier that day; boxed in and confused by everyone's expectations of her, and feeling like she couldn't believe anybody. His claim of relatability had not been a complete lie. It was more like a half-truth, because he couldn't help but take advantage of this mutual feeling of suffocation she felt, and twist it to fit his needs. He could see it from a third-person perspective – that this was in itself a terrible thing to do when she was this vulnerable – but he couldn't stop himself. He was used to scrounging for social crumbs and taking what he could get, and if he saw an opportunity as ripe as this, well then why not take it? That's not even meant to incite pity; just revulsion perhaps, and definitely anger. The latter was the most constant emotion in Eli's life anyway.

In a twisted way, he lived to be a creep. He owned it as a kind of almost unhealthy vindication. Eli relished the way in which people recoiled from him at times because it was something – the only thing – he felt people validated in him. Good old Eli, always a little weird, something a little amiss. Look at him with his body language; all stiff, awkward, a little twitchy. I'm good at this, he thought, almost bitter.

Maybe Eli was sabotaging everything in his new pretty, pristine, perfect town and hoping it would retroactively erase the years of emotional manipulation and hurt Kieran had caused him. Maybe he also just wanted a piece of that normalcy. He wanted to mess with the 'things' in Kieran's life; things Eli himself just didn't have. He had no idea if Kieran had any feelings for Emma; it's not as though they spoke about anything beyond perfunctory hellos and sarcastic, borderline mean jabs. But Eli wasn't lying to her when he insinuated that Kieran had cast her as the perfect girlfriend. She fulfilled a function in his life – a key to stability – which was actually something Eli greatly wanted too. So he was guilty. To his credit, he wouldn't ever try to erase that.

He found himself in an abandoned plot of overgrown grassland that was cordoned off several miles away from Emma's house. It was tucked away far from the gaze of the Lakewoodians of her neighbourhood. Weeds poked through the wire fencing, puddles of stagnant, muddy water filled potholes, and the areas closest to the sidewalk were peppered with litter. The only thing that looked somewhat new was a giant sign promoting one of Mayor Maddox's new development projects for the area. There was probably nothing in this town he didn't somehow own, yet everything he touched never seemed to come to fruition.

Eli had done quite a bit of exploring around the neighbourhoods of the town and found several halfway finished developments that were somehow all attached to the mayor's name, yet there was minimal public record of these failures. They would be barely noticeable on a blueprint of the town, due to their strategic placement in these easily disguisable areas. Still, he was glad that he found them. Eli did spend a lot of time at these 'establishments', mostly after one of his break-ins when he needed some real alone time to relive one of the many pretend lifestyles.

That night felt appropriate for such an activity. The fence was low enough to climb over, and while the wire was rusty, none of it was barbed and Eli managed to clamour over. He liked letting his imagination run wild in places like this. They were empty enough to be hopeful in that 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps and make it work' way that Mayor Maddox would have advocated. But they were steeped in the reality of catastrophe and misery and Eli, being used to that, would never actually be let down. Again, it was a safety thing. It was dangerous to hope for anything when it came to him. He found a dry patch of earth somewhere in the field and sprawled over it, looking up at the deepening night sky as the first stars peeked out.

This place can be anywhere. You can be anyone. Perfect is boring.

Eli chuckled, remembering just how goddamn corny he must have sounded when he had told Emma that, but at least he'd gotten a tiny laugh from her. In hindsight, everything about their little 'date' was imperfect. The single lamp they had partially filled the spacious living room of the model home with a low glow that made it hard to see, and it was not as romantic as he'd pictured in his head. They had Chinese take-out and wine that he'd swiped from an earlier break-in. In the back of his mind, Eli couldn't help but wonder how Kieran would have done it; how his date would've lived up to the boyfriend experience. It would've been more polished for one, and definitely done out in the open at some nice restaurant with actual candles and flowers and shit.

It wouldn't have had to be a secret. Unlike everything to do with Eli, and he was tired of that. He was tired of being so lonely.

It's hard to find people to hang with when you don't know anyone. Emma couldn't even reassure him otherwise to his face.

Man, he wished he still had that alcohol. He had left it in the house.

I was trying to do something fun. For you.

It would be remiss to think Eli didn't actually care about Emma. Yet, he was definitely at a loss over how to broach this topic with her. Her association with Kieran would definitely colour her opinion of Eli. She'd known Kieran for much longer, and obviously trusted his judgement. Good old Kieran – the liar – would somehow convince her that Eli was the most horrible person alive.

So that's why Eli went for it; he kissed her as she lamented the strain in her present relationship because in his mind, he had nothing to lose. Of course, that didn't make it right. His timing could have used a little work. He was terrible at reading the signs, horrendous at being patient, and utterly useless at simply containing himself any chance he got at being honest. He wanted to know Emma – as a human being who wasn't his family and who seemed nice enough that she'd ignore Kieran calling him 'crazy' one of the first times they had met. He also wanted her to know that he understood her beyond trying to woo her. It was exhausting, not trusting anybody because he moved around a lot. It barely mattered that Eli had seen how quick Emma was to judge him too; that's where Kieran's influence came into play though, and maybe he shouldn't blame her entirely. They both had a lot to learn about each other and in a truly perfect world, it would still be clumsy and messy, but it wouldn't have to be wrong. Eli would risk his chancy behaviour for a shot at normal and imperfect with her…

Apologise. Don't make it about me. Apologise. Don't make it…

But was that even possible? Eli had spent a lot of his life defending himself and his actions against the constant barrage of doubt towards him. Even right then, his little muddy, cold safe haven of an abandoned government project felt like a trap of some kind. Lakewood existed with its gated community ethics that were fed through tributaries to a population so paralysed by fear for so long it wouldn't trust anybody new. As someone who had never been deemed trustworthy – ever – it was hard to believe that any kind of apology would fly well without some semblance of self-explanation.

Not all Hudsons were total fuck-ups, if his uncle Clark was anything to go by. They could be successful if they tried, and Eli refused to accept himself as an unfortunate kid who could never beat the system. Working outside it for so long satiated his needs. He would hate to think it was in his bones by now – resigned to break into houses not to burgle but to have just a taste of a seemingly flawless, desirable life, be it in Lakewood or Atlanta or anywhere else. This was something he knew Emma wouldn't understand without him scrambling to speak. And at this point, it was kind of doubtful that she would listen.

He decided he would try and speak to her tomorrow before the Lakewood carnival. It would be difficult to wrangle her away from her friends during the festivities, and who knows what she would have told them by now. What she might be telling Kieran right this second.

Well, I lied to her. Guess it's fair she'll lie about me. If only anyone knew.

A/N: An experiment to see if I could do a character study on someone who literally had no visible onscreen development over a 12-episode season of television… [Nick Dunne voice] What are you thinking? How are you feeling? What have we done to each other? What will we do?

I haven't written fic in a while so this is probably shoddy, messy and simplistic. But I also wanted to keep it in the ~believable realm of what Eli could possibly be thinking. I know this is probably a headcanon version of what he was/is? (People keep saying he might be alive and I too want him to be alive.) But the season 2 finale really opened up a lot of questions for me, especially about characters like Kieran and how he formed relationships in the past. It doesn't get much more direct and long-standing than his familial relation with Eli.

As always, this was betaed by Nightmaric, a wonderful friend who reads all my nonsense even though she never watches any of my shows. :P