Disclaimer: Wait, I said I wouldn't do this, didn't I? Shoot. Ah well.

Notes: I said last AU EPISODE, not the last one! Oy, I think I have about three more of these to go, don't be so worried!

Synopsis: There are a few problems and loose ends to take care of before Celeste and Elaine return home, and one involves proving something to a very old-fashioned man.

CULTURE SHOCK

Part 9: The Early-Return Affair

March, 1966

"You okay in there Celeste?"

"Yes, perfect, just throwing up."

"WHAT?"

Celeste sighed as she sat on her knees in the stall. "Really, Samantha, I'm fine. It's just I had something at lunch that disagreed with me. It's rather annoy--" she paused as she leaned back over the toilet then, after a moment, came back up, "annoying..."

"Sounds like a flu. Didn't Elaine have that earlier in the week?"

"She's had it, but she's trying to kick it. That physical we had earlier because some high-up in medical wanted to make sure we were 'fit' for heading back is annoying. I really can't believe it."

"You alright?" a new, familiar voice said as Celeste flushed the toilet.

"I'm fine, April," Celeste said as she walked out, washing her hands and face before rinsing out her mouth. "Just some bad food. How're you and Mark?"

"Oh, he's fine. I'm good too, but I was trying to find you because Mr. Waverly just asked for me to go see where you were. I guess he had something to tell you up in the main room."

Celeste gave a smile. "Okay. Elaine too?"

"Yes, but I think she's asleep. Could you wake her up?"

"Scared?"

"No, just don't need to wake her up. Mark and I are off to California in a minute, just had to stop and give you that note."

Celeste nodded. "Fine. Thanks and have fun!"

With a nod, April left and Celeste headed to find and wake up her friend.

"What's so important we had to come up from work?" Celeste asked as they walked towards the main room.

"Like I'd know," Elaine pointed out before saying, "Oh, how was that date-thing with Illya?"

Celeste looked over at her. "There was no date-thing. He was off on a job anyway, like Napoleon."

Elaine nodded then grinned. "So anything else go on between you two?"

"No."

"Oh come on!"

"I haven't been feeling good," Celeste told her, "and it's been a little weird."

The two walked in and smiled upon seeing Napoleon and Illya, as well as the doctor who created the time machine.

"Long time no see," Elaine said with a smile as they sat, glancing upon seeing a new face, that of what appeared to be another doctor neither had met yet.

"Ah, good timing," Waverly said, "now that we're all here, I think you should hear the good news."

Celeste and Elaine looked over at the two spies, then at Dr. Allerman before saying, "Good news means..."

"I was able to fix the machine and get it to work early. The only problem is that after this use it will probably destroy itself and I can't create another one, but--."

"We're...going home?" Elaine asked, blinking.

"Early?" Celeste whispered.

Doctor Allerman smiled and nodded as they looked at each other, then to their friends before smiling and at that point Celeste paused. "Wait...good news means there's bad news..."

Waverly nodded, looking over at the medical doctor next to him as the man said simply, "Yes, there's quite a problem here."

The two looked at him with confusion before he said simply, "The last physical we did on your both showed that one of you was not fit for this travel."

At that, the two girls blinked and look over at each other then at him. "What do you mean?" Celeste asked.

The doctor glared at them then said, opening up the folder in front of him, "The tests showed that you, Celeste, are pregnant."

Both girls and men blinked before Celeste said after a second, "I'm what?"

Act 1: "Who made you lord and master over us?"

Illya felt himself stiffen at the pronouncement, not because of what it meant to Celeste, but because of what it meant to him.

Celeste and he had been...together...since the Affair in the desert, and both had a type of 'on/off' relationship; she understood if he slept with others and he understood if she went out once in a while with someone else in her office, though only one other person besides himself seemed interested in her.

But pregnant put a whole new meaning into the relationship they had.

"But—but you said I couldn't go back and...and I'm only in the first trimester, right? I've had friends that have been able to do stuff with, and they've worked for a while. I mean a lot of friends who became pregnant! Tons!"

"Remind me to be happy I was the shore-squid and didn't have the 'tons' of friends," Elaine muttered dryly as Celeste looked at the doctor for confirmation.

"Either way," Dr. Allerman pointed out, "I don't think she'd be able to stay behind, not unless I did a good deal of work on the machine to put her in this time..."

Doctor Fisher sighed. "I'd rather you did that, Doctor. In fact, I've recommended that you not only stay here, Miss Lancaster, but also that you reveal the name of the man who is the father of your child, that way we can get the paperwork ready--."

"Paperwork?"

"Yes, for the marriage."

"Hold the fuck up," Celeste said, though she rarely actually cursed in front of Mr. Waverly, "marriage? I didn't agree to any of this! I was against a physical in the first place, and now you're talking about marriage and staying here?"

Doctor Fisher held up his hand as the others, apparently not about to butt in on the situation, watched. "It's for your own good and the good of the child. You must realize this. A solid family with a wife and husband is good for the child's future growth as well as for the family. You're getting far too old to stay single for much longer and if you have a husband to take care of you, you'll be better off then you probably are in your own time."

Elaine had moved her chair as much as she could away from Celeste when the doctor had started speaking, as had Dr. Allerman. Waverly was giving Doctor Fisher a look that said the man probably didn't know how deep of a hole he had just dug himself into.

Napoleon was ready to call in reinforcements, and Illya was still in shock when Doctor Fisher said simply, "Miss Lancaster? Do you understand my reasons? It's all for your well-being."

There was only a moment of silence before Celeste said, "And who, exactly, made you the fucking lord-high master over me and whatever the hell I do? Not to mention what my choice is for going and coming and everything else, including if I keep the genderless brat I've been so gifted with or not. Because so far I haven't heard a 'yay' or 'nay' from Mr. Waverly, your boss, nor have I seen anything official that says I have to tell you who I slept with around the time my ovaries decided dropping an egg was a good idea and hey, look, I have a kid now! I have a small person growing, last I checked, in me, which means it's all on me and is my fucking responsibility you backwards jackass!"

Celeste took a breath and then said before Dr. Fisher could continue, "No, I'm not done, I've just started to outline the flaws in your oh so wonderful decision to tell me what to do with my life. I'm not staying here because it's nearly twenty years before I was born! I am not screwing with the time like that, not to mention the mind-fuck I'll get if my boy happens to date my mom, or aunt, or anything close to that! On top of it, I don't have to tell you who I slept with here because I'm leaving with my friend, going to my own time, and whatever I choose to do is my choice. It's not like half of you will be around to tell me what to do by that time, and either way, you think me staying here will be safe? THRUSH knows about me, and if they find out I have a kid that's nothing for security and comfort! That's mortal terror, thinking I or the guy you decide to hitch me with or the kid'll be killed, or tortured or whatever just because of their job. So take you're recommendation and shove it as far up your ass as it'll go, because with your head so firmly planted up there I'm amazed you got to the position you're at now. And if you think about pulling any of this bullshit on me AGAIN, realize I'm being restrained and nice!"

With that, Celeste turned and headed out the door without saying anything to anyone. There was another moment of silence before Elaine said to Mr. Waverly, "Can we write that off as 'hormones'?"

Napoleon shifted from his place as Waverly gave a small nod before saying, "I did not expect her to react so badly."

Elaine cast her own glare at Doctor Fisher. "Oh, she's not the only one to react badly to what he said...but I'm not about to blow up just yet. One of us has to be sane for a while."

Illya sighed as he said, "Will she have to stay?"

Doctor Fisher started to speak but Waverly waved him off, "I'll review the case and have Mr. Solo speak to her about it. In the meantime, I'd like a word in private with Mr. Kuryakin and Miss Salomon."

Waverly waited as the two doctors and Napoleon left, Napoleon casting a glance back at Illya before leaving the room.

"Now then, Miss Salomon, I would like it very much if both you and Napoleon ensured that Miss Lancaster doesn't get too—extreme."

"Define that, if you would sir," Elaine asked with a grin, "Because I take that as not letting her near the guns and most armed agents."

"That, as well as within a proximity of Doctor Fisher. I would also like for you to try and convince Doctor Fisher that she is capable of handling herself in her own time with a child."

"Cake walk," she told him.

"You may go, then. I'd like to speak to Mr. Kuryakin alone."

With a nod, Elaine got up and left, causing Illya to look up and over at his boss of many years and the current head of Section One.

"While I understand that you and Miss Lancaster were intimate, and that you might be a little shocked at the news, perhaps as much as she, I would like for you to think through what the consequences are, as well as for you to find her again should you be lucky enough to live that long. In our profession, nothing is certain, but I will tell you from experience that seeing your child be born is one you can very easily give up any assignment for."

"Sir?"

"I am neither dull nor stupid, Mr. Kuryakin. You and Celeste are quite close. She's scared, not just of the fact that she might be left behind here for all the comfort she might have, but also for your well-being in the future. That is why, even if it seems for the best, I will send her back to her own time. As to what she will do at that point is up to her, as well as you. We know they arrive in May, we know they are in a hostel called Janus. We don't know what year, only that it's past the new millennium. With those clues, I would hope you or Mr. Solo could find them and live rather uneventful lives for what is left of them."

Illya blinked. "Sir, forgive me, but did you just give me your blessing?"

"I believe I did. Now, please go and comfort her. She will need it."

"You okay in there?"

"I have a sense of deja vu, and yes, Napoleon, I'm fine."

"Ah, well, can you open the door then?"

A pause. "No."

"The doctor's not out there, and I hate to point this out, but I can guess who the dad is."

"Go away."

"Celeste?"

"I'm fine and just fucking dandy. I'm pregnant with a kid that will either force me to stay here and put it's life in danger, or head back to my own time and who knows what will have happened to you two by that time, right? For all I know you're dead by the millennium and that leaves me with a fatherless child and never seeing you two again and--."

"Celeste?"

"WHAT?" she sounded like she was ready to cry.

"I'm only here to offer what I can, and that's hugs and sympathy. I'm not going to tell you what to do, and I'm not going to tell Illya what to do. But you have my support in anything you choose."

The door suddenly opened and Napoleon had only a few seconds to register this before Celeste wrapped her arms tightly around him and cried into his chest. Having recovered, he gently returned the hug, rubbing up her back. "It'll be okay, Celeste. We'll find a way to make it okay."