DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters, much to my dismay.

FEEDBACK: Any and all feedback welcome. (Thank you to all those who commented on my first pieces. So very much appreciated!!)

SUMMARY: What happens when Grissom visited Lady Heather in 3x15? Grissom contemplates his relationship with women. Grissom/Lady Heather, GSR. This is going to be a two part story I've decided.

AUTHORS' NOTES: References to Too Tough to Die, Scuba Doobie-Doo, Slaves of Las Vegas, Primum Non Nocere, The Accused in Entitled, Let the Seller Beware, Lady Heather's Box, Play with Fire

Chapter 1 - Words

You told me to get a life, remember?

Did I?

Grissom sat in his quiet townhouse, a glass a scotch in his hand, a number from his rolodex in the other. His eyes were blank, glossed over, as he stared at the wall. The past few weeks were churning in his mind, blurring all together in one long sequence of events. It was his own fault, he realized, but he never thought she'd actually listen. He gave advice to Sara all the time, to show he cared from a safe distance. And every time it was the same. He'd broach the subject timidly, cautiously, extending words of concern without blatantly exposing his true intent. And each time she'd glare at him, the defiance like fire in her brown eyes, letting him know the words weren't welcome. She never wanted to be controlled, and more so, not by a man who continually pulled her in only to push her away again.

One day during a case, he sat down with the intentions of encouraging Sara to find a hobby before she burned out from immersing herself in her job.

You need something outside of law enforcement. You've got to find something to like.

Maybe she had set out to find something, he'll never know. She ended up finding someone, which was ultimately more difficult for him to deal with than he expected. And tonight all the words that had transpired since that moment throbbed in his mind like a headache he couldn't shake.

I wish she'd mentioned her relationship with the EMT who moved the bra.

Relationship?

A Hank Peddigrew.

We just interviewed him. He says he thanked her for letting him move the bra back.

He was just, uh, being polite and, um, it's not a relationship. We go to movies…

Whatever happens in court, it's not because you're seeing this guy. You deserve to have a life.

Uh, it's my day off. I was up in Pahrump at some vineyard. You told me to get a life, remember?

Did I?

It's just, um ... you tell me to get a life and then I get one, and then you expect me to be there at a moment's notice. It's… um…confusing.

Grissom knew what was happening now; he was trying to blame Sara for what he had most certainly caused. He had purposefully kept his distance from her, all the while pulling her in with innuendos and mixed messages, only to push her away again immediately after. Each and every time he did it, he knew he was hurting her, but every time he saw that look in her eyes he knew that his words could still affect her, that she still cared for him.

But then again, he didn't need the validation of pain to know that she cared for him in a way that went beyond friendship. Her hand lingering on his face as she wiped chalk away had kept him going many times when he could feel the stress of the job getting to him. Ninety-five, he had said to her. Ninety-five was when he knew he was really angry. And since that day, whenever his anger rose, it was the thought of her hand on his face that calmed him down. A simple gesture, but her eyes had been so kind, so beautiful, so full of adoration. He had been taken aback with how much one person could say with the touch of their hands, how much she had said in that single moment.

She had made light of it, as was her way. It was only chalk, the plaster from the crime scene. It was no big deal. She had shrugged, averted her eyes, gave him a small smile. Her actions tried to deny the intimate moment between them, but her eyes betrayed her. That touch betrayed her. And if she had stayed with him a minute longer, he might have betrayed himself.

So he continued to push her away, because in that moment he knew how much she cared, and she hadn't said a word. But every so often he'd bring her in again. Every so often his words would pull her in.

Since when have you been interested in beauty?

Since I met you.

And then, just like that, the moment was over, he'd walk away, and continue to distance himself, leaving her confused in the wake of his statements. And so it went. Pull her in, push her away.

It was wrong for him to keep her tethered to him that way, but it was safer than getting too close. Since finding out about Hank, he tried once to send her off on a case alone, and she had been angry with him, as if she thought that he was trying to punish her for the advice that he had given her. So he had put her on every case with him after that just to keep her close. Always putting someone else on the case with them, he made sure that he was near her but hardly ever alone with her. He didn't know what would happen if they worked alone on a case together. So he didn't test it.

But even still, his words betrayed him, even when in the context of a crime scene.

I need you.

I have you.

Declarations hidden under the pretense of work, tucked away among words of suspects and evidence, DNA and lab results. In the moment the words flowed so casually, and only after did he realize what he was saying. If she picked up on it, she never let on, as if in some ways she was becoming immune to any sentiments Grissom had to offer. And at this point, he couldn't blame her. He only blamed himself.

At some point even that became too much for him, so he started assigning her to different cases. His hearing had gotten worse, and the whole situation seemed to be getting out of his control. Seeing Sara interested in a younger man made sense, something he wished she could have seen all along. If she directed her attention elsewhere, he wouldn't have to worry about the choices he had to make, or putting his career in jeopardy. He wouldn't have to worry about screwing it up, letting her down, doing something to destroy their delicate relationship.

But knowing she was interested in another man did nothing but cause more agony, and their relationship was on its way to being destroyed anyways.

Or was it? She wanted to have dinner with him. He refused. And just like that, the moment was over. She walked away to protect herself, leaving him confused this time. And so it went. Pull her in, push her away. Push her away even though you want like hell to pull her in.

Because then there was his health. He knew the hearing loss was hereditary. It didn't matter his age; it was going to happen eventually. Being diagnosed with otosclerosis before the age of fifty just made him feel older than he really was, which he already felt was much older than the woman he cared for. Grissom took another sip of scotch. This is for the best, he thought.

So if it was for the best, why did it still bother him so much?

I wish I was like you, Grissom. I wish I didn't feel anything.

In that moment, staring blankly at his walls, he wished he didn't feel anything either.