Disclaimer: VERY unfortunately I don't own any of Tamora Pierce's characters...she's a genius though and I wish I did...I do own Callisto Nicol...hehe j/k
Please read and review and I will be eternally grateful.
Alanna Presents:
"Why Life Isn't Fair"
Alanna: Welcome all to this weeks addition of "Why Life Isn't Fair". First, I'd like to thank-
Aly: Mom! What are you doing? You've been in the bathroom for ever!…and who are you talking to?
Alanna: Ahem…one moment sweetie
Aly: Aargh! (stalks off)
Alanna: There's one for you! It isn't fair having a teenage daughter! She doesn't appreciate my hard work, she always gets in arguments with me, goddess! (plops down on the floor looking for all the world like a pouty teenager herself) Also, it's not fair that I'm short. And a girl. I'm a short girl! Gah!
George: (grinning) I don't think you're short, and I like the fact that you're a girl.
Alanna: (jumps up) Where did you come from?
George: I live here, sweetie. (pats her on the head and exits)
Alanna: Grr…really though, I had to become a knight the hard way!
Nealan: You mean to say that there's an easy way?
Alanna: Ack! You do NOT live here! I'm dreaming. (shuts eyes) I'm just dreaming of those rough days when I had to have an obnoxious squire…which, by the way, wasn't fair either…
Neal: Hey! I resent that thoroughly! (crosses arms, then looks around curiously) Hmm…nice place you have here…but why are we in a bathroom?
Alanna: (eyes still closed) Figment of my imagination, I banish you!
Neal: (muttering) Fine fine, point taken. Geez, you'd think that you'd get some respect, or at least recognition from a fellow knight and former knight master, er mistress… (glances uncertainly at Alanna then backs away and exits)
Alanna: (opens eyes) Ah! If only that had worked when he was my squire…now, back to my previous topic. I, the first Lady Knight of Tortall, spent many long, hard years concealing my gender and battling the forces of evil-
Roger: (evil laughter)
Alanna: (shudders and shuts eyes again) I'll pretend I didn't hear that. -and then was almost denied my shield anyway! It's not fair! They could have just accepted the change and treated me like the boys, but no. I'm a girl, and of course that has to change everything…
Lord Wyldon: Naturally
Alanna: Gah…anyway, they just HAD to wait until AFTER I was a knight to make that rule, er, law thingy about girls becoming knights-
Keladry: Not that it made things easier! You didn't have to undergo a stupid probationary year- (sees Wyldon and freezes) oh…my Lord Wyldon…(bows)
Wyldon: (coldly) Mindelan.
Kel: So…why the party…and why the bathroom?
Neal: That's what I asked!
Alanna: (opens eyes and whirls on him) You! I thought you left!
Neal: (shrugs) I did
Alanna: (looks around and sees Roger, Wyldon, Kel, and Neal all packing the room) (sarcastically) Great. All we need now is Jonathon and we'll have a lovely little group. (rolls eyes)
Jon: You call?
Alanna: (jumps) Ack! This is getting scary!
Kel: (glaring steadily, somehow at both Wyldon and Jon)
Wyldon: And uncomfortable…(eyes Kel warily) My, er, arm is hurting me. (leaves)
All: (sigh of relief) Kel: While we're calling people, I sure would like to see Domitan…
Dom: Kel, my dear!
Neal: (jaw drops, then turns away disgusted as Kel and dom stare lovingly at each other)
Alanna: Well, at least they're occupied, and now we can get back to MY show! And yes, Kel, while you aren't paying attention, I did have it hard. You didn't have a Gift for people to blame your success on, nor did you have an evil person with a strong Gift to battle, who was then raised from the dead by your brother, who is consequently dead himself, ALONG WITH MY CAT!
Roger: Sorry…
Alanna: NO YOU AREN'T! You killed FAITHFUL!
Roger: Okay, you're right. I'm not.
Alanna: (ready to kill him, steps forward)
Roger: Not now, Alanna. I don't wish to be killed again quite yet. (vanishes)
Jon: (pats Alanna's back comfortingly as she tries to dissipate her anger) Breathe, my dear.
Alanna: (Through clenched teeth) I'm breathing!
Jon: O-kay.
Neal: Ahem…I just wanted to say that KELADRY AND MY COUSIN DOM NEED TO GO BACK TO BEING THE LEVEL-HEADED PEOPLE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE AND STOP THIS SAPPINESS!
Callisto Nicol: Did someone just say sap?
All: (stare at Calli)
Calli: (shrugs and leaves)
Keladry: Dom, I've missed you so
Dom: Not as much as I've missed you
Neal: EW!
Cleon: She's MY dewdrop!
Kel: Cleon! You're married for goodness sake!
Cleon: (blushes) So?
Neal: (murmers almost inaudibly) What about me? I was your first friend…stuck by you…
Alanna: THAT'S IT! EVERYONE LEAVE! YOU ARE A PATHETIC group of SAPPY saps and this is beginning to resemble a SOAP OPERA, which in itself is detestable. So all of you just LEAVE my bathroom, and I will have to finish my show later. (sighs heavily)
All except Alanna: (vanish)
Alanna: Phwew.
Aly: (through door) Mom? Are you okay? Why were you shouting?
George: (uncertainly, from outside bathroom) Um, sweetie, perhaps you'd better come out now…maybe spending too much time with yourself isn't a good idea…
Alanna: Invasion of privacy. Not fair.
Aly: Weird parents. Not fair.
George: (raises eyebrow)
Aly: (winks reassuringly)
Alanna: I HEARD that! Young lady, I'm coming out right now, and when I do, you…(keeps yelling)
George: (laughs and pats Ali) Go on, quickly! I'll deal with yer mum.
Aly: (laughs and runs off)
George: Always an adventure here…but I know how to settle this one…
Alanna: (stalks out of bathroom right into George, who grabs her and kisses her soundly)
Aly: (from around corner) Ick. Parents.