I can't give up on her
I never thought that my few-years-old determination would fall over, but I can't keep myself under control. I read about it in terrible women's magazines when I was younger, and I had no idea how terrifying it can be; how many awkward moments you have to endure. Actually, the predicaments I could bear but when we had to come by each other for our own good, and later, when we have to run eyes over each other, while we pretended our ribs didn't lean on our heart and lungs, and it didn't crush them until we cannot breath, well, these were beyond endurance.
Unfortunately, I get more and more breathless moments. I try to solve the problem with a new, normal, usual relationship. I saw it in her eyes as she took my cue from me, we both closed 'our case', and we didn't want to faces up to the past and just forget all what happened.
It was scary when I saw her with another person; she just didn't fit next to him, she should be beside me, however, I had to shake the feeling down.
Of course I failed. She became more and more of a stranger, her face and accent changed; she became another girl. But, she was the same girl inside; she ignored everybody until her gaze landed on me.
Sometimes I just stand somewhere where I can watch her and try to forget her, but my stomach, up to my throat, was nervous, so much so I felt like throwing up, I see dark clouds in front of me, , for example, H enters my lab and wants to say something. I will shake myself, swallow and smile politely or look grave, it depends on the case.
Horatio knew that something was wrong, but he was sensitive enough not to ask me 'what's the matter'. No, he wasn't thoughtless. But Eric, he was different. He asked me once, after he had spoken to Ryan. He told me they felt that Natalia and I were weird. With each other, and from that matter, what happened, what was the subject of the quarrel.
I couldn't answer that 'To argue? With her? Never, Eric. Never, not anymore. It was enough one time.' And I couldn't whisper, say, scream or shout that I simply LOVE her, and I want her to love me back. No, I just shook my head, the usual move. I tucked my hair behind my ears, and said 'I don't understand what are you talking about' with a smile.
He just shrugs his shoulders, and put it down as some silly female secret, like my other boyfriends have done.
I don't say that Eric doesn't love me. No, he loves me more than any of my ex-boyfriends. He loves me unconditionally and adoringly. It sounds great, but something's wrong. I think I have a little, horribly deep tribulation that nobody can cure. It couldn't if I came back Natalia. But, she doesn't want to come back to me. I have a very, very few rejections but Natalia is going to be one if I make up to her again. If I see her I just smile emptily, I speak to her with uncoloured voice, I question everything that she does, testes, her opinion, everything, just to keep in touch with her.
She draws her eyes to me, and doesn't answer, but the light in her eyes tells me she listens to me, I bite into my lip, I hide my face from her, and a half moment later I smile again. At that time I see her adoration, but she couldn't do the same. With Ryan they make the perfect couple, they were kind, young, and funny.
Anyway, I'm too old for her.
No. That's not true. Maybe she's too young. Maybe we're just too coward, and too cruel to ourselves and each other.
I know that she is going to reject me, but I know too that she can't overstep me. Her hand quivered, envisioning the past moments. We met in the locker room once, we were alone, and just stood there at close quarters, we were just breathing, waiting for something that would justify the tension and absolve from the desire. We heard Valera come in, I pushed off Natalia and ran behind the lockers, Nat flopped down to the pew exhausted.
At that same place was our first kiss, Natalia was just sat there. It was an usual day, nothing exciting happened, then the air changed. I was tired, it was ten pm or so, and I wanted to go to home. Nat – oh yeah, at that moment I called her by her nickname – was sitting, her legs propped up on the lockers, and was thinking about the case. I was nervous, stressed, but she wanted to talk over the case, she came around in front of me and started to talk. I was impatient, got more and more nervous, I closed my eyes. I didn't notice what she was talking about. A few minutes later she noticed that I wasn't listening; she looked at me and subsided into silence. When I opened my eyes the gap between her face and mine was only an inch, she quivered. I knew what she was feeling, but I couldn't move. The skin of her teeth skimmed over my lips, and that was what shook me, and at last I could move. I kissed her, firmly and hotly. Then before she could grasp what happened, I hitched her up and pushed her onto the lockers – I did not think of the discord. Didn't matter that she was taller than me, I could control her, but I couldn't control myself and stop the kissing. By the way she didn't object, I guess she enjoyed it too…
And here we were again, standing there, stock-still and we couldn't make the first step. We couldn't run away from the feelings, and resist this huge thing, far bigger than me, but we couldn't deny it when the passion shed its light.
Because yes, it was love, really much bigger and stronger than us; maybe it would sweep us away if we let it. Maybe that was the reason why we couldn't resist, and waste away something irreversible, this creepy yet alluring thing. Yes, we were scared, but it didn't matter, that one month while our soul could shout and love freely.
The best wasn't the sex; of course that with Natalia was incomparable, but the moments when we felt each other the strongest were when we just stood, pressed against each other, where nothing could mangle us. The passion was frightful.
In the end, when we started to feel that we couldn't endure the passion that connected us, we suddenly made an arrangement, we won't let ourselves live like that, won't step over the limit, just live like normal, heterosexual women; my disguise is Eric, hers is Ryan, and we forget it all.
That one month was like a dream, a dangerous but necessary event. Knowing that it was forbidden made it all the more compelling. You become unable to give up that, you want it, and that's all.
I can't give up on Natalia. I simply can't do this. Anytime I see her, my tribulation gets deeper, I get more and more breathless moments and I would do anything to touch her. When I walk next to her in the hallway, I don't care if the hallway is empty or not, I sweep her hair aside with my hand and whisper a quiet 'sorry'. She knows, I know, but after all we can't do anything. We don't have enough strength to enjoy the relationship, our mind doesn't let it. We have to find a secret solution if we sometimes, a very few times dissolve the sorrow we get enough strength to show each other our real feelings …