AN: I still don't own Twilight. S. Meyer does.

Hey guys I'm back from my unceremonious hiatus and I thought I'd take a little break from my other story. I couldn't sleep this morning and got to writing and this is what happened. I know it kind of has elements from my other story in it but they're things that really happened in my life and I just thought I'd add it in here too because they're fond memories. Hope you don't mind. Please give this new story of mine a go!

x

Chapter One.

In Retrospect

So here I am. On the cusp of turning 22 and I'm getting all nostalgic again. This usually occurs the month before I get a year older. Don't ask me why, I just seem to get in some sort of funk I suppose you could call it. It's 2.55 in the morning and I can't sleep. You see this too has become a common occurrence latley, and I really think I've fucked up my sleeping pattern or whatever since this is my last year of college and deadlines kill me – this I have realized is something I can't escape; it is a requisite in a creative occupation. I will live a life of minimal sleep and ever-present eye bags. There's only so much a good foundation can cover up.

Back to my current situation. I am a 21 year old woman alone on a Friday night (technically Saturday morning but whatever) in bed and Googling myself. No that is not some sick code for getting off, I know you dirty bitches were thinking it. What? Don't judge me! Everyone is bound to do so at least once if not a few times in their lives right? Besides I can justify my actions. I want to see what the internet has to say about one Isabella Marie Swan. Just to clarify sadly I'm not anyone famous. I'm just that girl who sometimes goes out with the small amount of friends she's managed to stay in contact with (most of which are from college since our schedules don't conflict); that girl whose life honest to God hasn't deviated from its daily routine in who the fuck knows how long. That girl who's still very much single after getting out of a shitty relationship, what is it two years ago now while all her friends seem to be settling down. I'm just that girl. That girl who I don't really know anymore. Anyway, excuse my spiel about that and back to my self-Googling. That does actually sounds pretty dirty. Anyway, I guess you could call me a private person; some may say I'm married to my studies/work (actually, they call me borderline recluse but that's just semantics right?); anyway, I'm the type of person who doesn't want their past to bite them in the ass. Not that I've done shit that was too badass I mean come on I'm the Chief of Police's daughter in my hometown. So me being me I typed my name into the search engine and ended up finding social networking sites from way back when and promptly deactivated them. I literally cringed at pretty much everything. I couldn't believe I used "net speak" and doing that thing! You know that obnoxious thing where you type with uppercase and lowercase letters and using numbers and punctuation wrongly? Yeah that. Why didn't anyone ever tell me how stupid it all was and made me s0unD? See?

So while I was happy that nothing too incriminating was found since when I used to blog to "vent" out my frustrations on my life and how unfair it all was, you know all that good teen angst shit; I was happily reminded that I was kind of smart to leave actual people's names out. Sadly, some of my friends may have been lacking smarts in the discretion department so I typed in a few friends names and came across some good yet cringe worthy material to read and hopefully send me off to a pleasant and deep sleep.

Which now brings me to where I am now. I'm currently reading the seemingly forgotten and very public blog of an ex-girlfriend of my once best friend. Well he'll always be my best friend but lately we're the kind of friends who've drifted apart because he left for college when I was a senior then simply seeing each other became less frequent, then the phone calls and texts started to wane till eventually we became the kind of friends who just have each other on Facebook yet don't comment on each others 'walls', yeah those kinds of friends. Thinking about that now kind of makes me feel sad, shit it makes me really fucking sad but for now I'll put that bit of information away and talk about his ex's blog.

As soon as I clicked the link to her blog I literally felt like gagging because the banner was just so fucking hideous. I could tell she made it on Paint. Yeah I know I'm a bitch who may not be a web designer but shit I just can't turn my 'design eye' off and it is fucking ugly. But then again I shouldn't judge what a teenage her made even if it was a collage of herself through various stages in her life.

Reading her posts has got me thinking that maybe I sounded really silly as well in my blog from back then, but yeah not really. Then suddenly I read this one post and I'm back in 2005 and I'm sweet 16 again, drawing funny little cartoons in my room listening to 'Mr. Brightside' full blast on my iPod connected to my stereo via jack cable connection; and I remember her and why I couldn't really ever find any reason to genuinely like Tanya, but I think that has more to do with the fact that she was only overly fake-nice to me/harboured some unjustifiable jealousy towards me because I was his best friend, no matter how many times "Tanya I have a fucking boyfriend" was said it didn't register. Oh yeah and the fact that she was a raging mad, psycho stalker bitch. For reals guys! This particular blog entry of hers dated 8th of December 2005 was her reminiscing about their failed relationship months after in ended. I think I actually remember reading this back then because he or someone else showed me; which of course was followed by an extensive analysis of what she was saying by yours truly. Reading over it now as a grown almost 22 year old woman, I'm a bit embarrassed for our gender, but then again love and its subsequent endings are all very dramatic in the eyes of a 16 year old so in that respect I feel for her. But then I'm reminded of her stalker like antics as I scrolled to the bottom of the entry and there's this collage of the two of them. It looks a little something like this if you can imagine pictures of him to the left, pictures of them together in the middle and pictures of her on the right; but the fucking pictures of him are most if not all taken by me and she's cut me out of the pictures of us together. THEN I got reminded of how he called me up after his 16th birthday back in June that year asking if I had left a huge framed collage of pictures of him and his friends on his front porch, thinking that me being creative and being his best friend and at that time the only girl close to him (excluding blood relatives) in his life that I made him a personal birthday present only to be told "No, I wish it was me but we both know who loves their collages." He of course kept it because he's a nice guy like that and it did have pictures of everyone important to him at the time. See Tanya was batshit crazy as a 16 year old. She could be lovely and maybe even normal now but yeah she was crazy. But that isn't what really has me up right now getting all nostalgic and shit. It kind of began when she did that thing and quoted some of their more memorable conversations they had as a couple during their short and tumultuous romance and it got me feeling I don't know what, emotional maybe? And I know it's not because my period is due soon. It's past 12 now so that would be tomorrow. TMI? Sorry guys.

She quoted this moment they had when they were eating cheeseburgers and he said something along the lines of "I hope when we have kids someday that they'll turn out to be like you because you eat the pickles." (just so you know I totally imagined that moment in my head with him saying the words with my exaggerated attempt at a man voice as his voice) because you see he was never one to eat the pickles. That one line brought up this old memory I had that was a common occurrence in our friendship together. We used to have Thursday dates together, usually with our group of friends or sometimes just the two of us going down to Forks' only diner after school was let out early after our gruelling P.E. lessons. We had this silly little thing where we'd swap school bags, walk to the diner, order cheeseburgers, fries and a Coke each from Cora, sat in our booth by the window where we'd people watch and chat about random shit often music or my art or whatever really until our food came. Then I'd open my burger and he'd put his pickles in mine, and we would eat.

"Why don't you just ask Cora to hold the pickles?"

"Ah, then my dear Bella, you wouldn't have the extra pickles in your cheeseburger now would you?"

Every Thursday.

"SHIT!"

I shot up straight out of my bed at the sound of a loud crash outside of my bedroom door and I'm terrified and it's 3.30 am and I'm too chicken shit to check it out. But my curiosity and lack of self-preservation gets the better of me so I put my Macbook down and tiptoe to my closet where I know that baseball bat Phil sent over as a gift is. I love my step-dad and all but come on even Charlie knows not to get me any type of sports paraphernalia as a birthday gift. I don't care what team he's on but what the hell would I do with all the merch he sends? As I get to the door, with my trusty bat in hand (yeah, yeah laugh it up "That's what she said" and all that) I open it slowly to find that my cat Jenks the fat thing has managed to knock down a pile of my books and a few photo frames on my display unit the cheeky shit. When I go to straighten things up again I notice that one of the photos is of him and I in our booth. Now I don't believe in signs but that shit is just freaky, unless Jenks is some mind reader that I'm unaware of. We look so happy in the picture and I just wonder what went wrong with our friendship, I wonder what he's doing right now. Probably out somewhere having an amazing time drinking and getting shitfaced with his buddies or snuggling with a girlfriend or lover. No doubt something more interesting than what I'm doing now. I think I need some ice-cream stat, but as I walk to my tiny kitchen I want to cry because I realized that I've stopped buying ice-cream so that I couldn't be tempted to pig out. As my brother so nicely put it "You aren't getting any younger Bella, you may as well try and maintain your body now before you have kids because pregnancy weight isn't easy to lose you know" - I love him and all because we share the same blood but the nerve of him! One, he's a guy what would he know? And two, for me to become pregnant there would have to be some sort of sex involved that has at least another participant from the opposite sex. Yeah I'm starting to notice cobwebs down there it's that fucking miserable. That ice-cream would really fucking be great right now. So instead I just resort to the next best thing. I unlatch my window and light up a cigarette. I'm not a chain smoker but I need one right now. My life is so pathetic. I stick my head out and breathe the cool air in after I exhale my indulgence and I see my saviour in the form of a blinking neon light telling me it is 'Open 24 Hours'. I've never been happier to see a 24/7 convenience store in my life. Fuck what my brother says, I'm going to get me some ice-cream. I deserve it. I'm going to the gym later on and I'll work extra hard. I don't give a fuck.

Walking down the street in my yoga pants, oversized t-shirt, leather jacket and uggs with my hair pulled into a messy bun on top of my head seems like a terrible fucking idea now that I realized this is the time when people my age head home from the bars and clubs they frequent on a Friday night, stumbling blind as fuck drunk on the streets. It also doesn't help that I live in a somewhat quasi-trendy area in Seattle that is inhibited by pretty young things. Kill me now. Operation 'Ensure Bella Does Not Get Laid Ever Again' resumes... Now. I am currently the personification of ratty. I hope nobody approaches me so I walk a little faster to my destination. I grab a tub of chocolate chip cookie dough and make my way to the bored looking attendant, pay and make my way towards the exit thanking whatever deity nobody approached me. But of course the world hates me right now. I bump into this bump. Well a bump attached to a heavily pregnant woman.

"I'm so sorry." I say, lightly grabbing her arm to steady her.

"No it should be me apologising, I'm the one who wasn't looking where she was going. But I'm not surprised since I can't even see my own feet these days." She says gesturing to her ugg covered feet. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one rocking the boots. Then she stares at me looking at me like she knows me and I'm getting all self-conscious and most definitely blushing. I just wanted some fucking ice-cream God!

"Hey don't I know you from somewhere?" She looks at me even more intently. "Oh my God. I can't believe it. Isabella right? It's me Tanya."

I'm pretty sure I look fucking perplexed as I hear this, because this has been a crazy couple of hours I've had, but she doesn't know that. She probably just thinks I remember all her crazy. Even if she doesn't look so crazy now. I'm almost tempted to tell her so but then she continues to speak and I wonder what the fuck she's doing here.

"We went to the same high school." She's obviously mistaken my shocked silence for confusion.

"Yeah it is, but I go by Bella, I'm sure you can remember that." I say back, trying not to sound all bitch face at her because high school was another lifetime ago. So I add a smile and offer her my hand to shake, which she gladly accepts.

"Yes of course. Bella. How've you been? You're looking great." She's making small talk and I hate small talk but she's being nice and there's no hint of malice in her voice. But this bitch is crazy because I know I look ratty.

"Thanks, you're looking great yourself."

"Cut the crap Bella, I'm surprised you'd even manage to recognize me, I look like a whale. I'm as big as a house and all that shit that comes with pregnancy." She adds with a laugh. I laugh too because I'm trying to be polite. "And I'm not helping matters either by being here, but the ice-cream is just calling out to me."

"I know what you mean." I hold my bag of goodies up so she can see I too have a craving to be satisfied.

"Oh well don't let me keep you, it was great literally bumping into you Bella." She comes closer to me surprising me with a hug. "Now I have three tubs of Ben & Jerry's and a jar of pickles calling me. Hopefully we can have coffee or something, you know, once I'm able to again." Her phone is ringing now and she picks it up as I tell her goodbye. Considering maybe I would like to have that cup of coffee with her once of course she's popped that kid out.

"It was great seeing you too Tanya." I tell her sincerely as I walk towards the exit but not before hearing…

"Eddie, I know, I know… I'm just at the store… Ice-cream and pickles…Yeah but you looked so peaceful I didn't want to wake you… Okay I'll see you in a few… Love you too."

No. It couldn't be. Could it?

This is one strange fucking morning I'm telling you.

So here I am, at 22 doing that nostalgia thing I do before getting a year older. Again. Except now the setting is a café down the road from my little studio apartment with Jay as he waits for the other woman in his life beside me.

"Honey you'll have to be patient, you know what she's like. She always takes her sweet ass time ordering because she's so high-maintenance." I say to him as he gives me that silly grin of his.

The sound of clicking heels alerts me to her presence and I try my hardest to put on a show of innocence, but I'm a pretty shitty actor so I can't fool anyone. That fact and the sting I feel from a pinch to my upper arm breaks my façade and I can't help but burst into laughter starting Jay off too.

"You guys are like two peas in a pod. Should I just leave? I'm sure you two wouldn't even notice." She quirked her perfectly manicured eyebrow at me and slipped her sunglasses on effectively hiding her playful glare.

"You know it's true Tanya, he loves me a little bit more than you do. Just a smidge." Indicating the amount with my thumb and forefinger.

"Well that can't be right. What am I chopped liver? I only what, gave fucking birth to him for Christ's sake!" She said with mock hurt.

"Language!" I admonished.

"Whatever, did I or did I not hear you say a-s-s in front of my son and have the nerve to call me what was it 'high-maintenance'?"

"Uh yeah, but you just f-bombed that's worse!"

"B-i-t-c-h."

"You love me."

"Yeah I do."

I know you're all thinking how the fuck did that happen? And I'm telling you it happened about almost a year ago at this very café. I was out one Saturday morning treating myself to a breakfast prepared by someone other than me, sitting outside at this very table sipping my coffee while I read the morning paper.

Feeling a light tap on my shoulder I turned toward the street and there was Tanya standing behind a complicated looking baby stroller. She didn't even look like she just had a baby. Some women have all the fucking luck in the world. Tanya still looked like Tanya from high school now that she wasn't pregnant. Sure she looked more mature and her strawberry blonde hair was now cut into a short bob and she was wearing tastefully chic 'mom' clothes. But you couldn't miss someone that looks as pretty as she does. He did have good taste since she was one of the prettiest girls at school since his sister graduated that is. Rosalie was and probably still is the definition of stunning.

"Hi Bella. I thought it was you sitting here. Do you mind if we join you?" I couldn't possibly say no now could I?

I cleared the other side of the table of my tote and motioned for Tanya and baby to join me. She ordered her breakfast and a decaf cap while she produced a bottle of milk and fed the little baby who I was yet to see its face. Baby had just woken up and Tanya promptly fed it.

"It's breast milk." She blurted out. "I'm yet to breast feed in public. I'm just not there yet." She said sadly.

"Uhh. I wasn't even gonna question you on it." Now it was getting awkward.

"I'm sorry, it's just that my mother-in-law is like this super mom and she doesn't understand why I just don't whip my tits out at the drop of a hat when he's hungry." I don't hang around a lot of new moms but I could sense a tiny breakdown coming along so I did what I always did and tried to make her laugh by telling her stupid shit. And it worked.

"So what are you up to these days Bella?" We were at that point where breakfast was finished and an after breakfast smoothie was essential.

"I'm still at college doing visual communication. One more semester to go and I'm interning down at Collins & Benjamin as their junior graphic designer. Wow… that all sounds very juvenile compared to what you've probably been up to. Married with a kid? By the looks of it I'm probably going to have kids at thirty or something." And I was still trying to figure out if she was married to him after overhearing that particular phone call two months ago. I mean if he did indeed have a wife and child surely he would've at least Facebook inboxed me or something right? Whatever happened to being godparents to each others first-born?

"Yeah… not likely Bella. Your life seems much more interesting than mine. I decided to put college on hold for now before I finish my last year. Business major." she clarified. "I'm so close to getting my degree but I don't wanna leave him anytime soon." she said gesturing to the little bundle in her arms. "I got engaged thinking it would be a long one, then got pregnant and that sped the marriage thing up. I mean don't get me wrong I love my husband and everything but it just wasn't how I saw things going for myself at this age."

This random catch up of sorts lasted for another half an hour and baby Jamie (who I learnt was born on the same day as me) was getting restless so numbers were exchanged and we agreed to not be strangers since we lived a short distance from one another.

I looked into my phone and noticed she was no longer Tanya Denali. She was Now Tanya Denali-Eddison. I couldn't help but laugh out really fucking loud at her last name. Up until that point his name and anything to do with high school relationships hadn't been broached.

"Yeah, yeah Swan laugh it up. I knew you'd get some sort of kick out of my last name which is exactly why I left it until now to bring it up non-verbally at that." I was now reminded of how icy her glares could be. "I know somewhere deep down you think I'm some psycho-stalker-lunatic-crazy-bitch but I promise I'm not. It isn't like I purposely decided to marry a man with a last name that gives him the nickname 'Eddie' because I'm still pining over a teenage 'romance'. Give me some credit. I'm not that delusional." She joined in my laughter and asked me whatever became of him and I sadly couldn't reply with a good enough answer because we had drifted out of each others lives that we didn't even know the basics about one another anymore.

"That's really sad Bella. You guys were so close back then. Anyhow, Jamie here is missing daddy so I'll catch you later? Maybe you can come over for dinner this week because you must be pretty lonely all by yourself in your loft with nothing but your pussy…. Jenks was it?"

"Shut up Mrs. Eddie. You make it sound like I've named my vagina and besides Jenks is good company to keep, and yes I'll take you up on that offer, I'll even bring a plate because I don't know if I can trust your cooking skills."

"Touché Ms. Swan Touché."

And that is how our unlikely friendship was formed. I was now honorary aunt to baby Jay and really close if not best friends with Tanya Denali-Eddison. I could never call her my best friend though because that title was reserved for someone else. They just had to reclaim it.

AN: Well there it is guys! Good? Bad? Save myself from embarrassing myself and abandon it? Drop me a line or something.

- Lia x