Fraud Syndrome
A/N: I am very sorry for this. I don't own Voltron LD.
Ten thousand years, not ten, not hundred, not thousand. Ten thousand, enough to assure anyone who the known world is gone. Family, friends and an entire civilization. And, of course, all the promises of the future that fell apart while she slept.
Allura laughed at the thought that the future she had imagined was already buried ten thousand years in the past. A bitter laugh as she walked barefoot through the corridors of the castle. The icy ground was the comfort of the few familiar things left over.
The castle, the rats, Coran.
She clung to them, what was left of her previous life. It was a way of not despairing when she woke up and discover that her father had disappeared in a blink of the eyes. It demanded all the inner strength she still had to maintain her composure and guide her paladins for an ungrateful mission that she had no idea if it would succeed.
How could dad do that?
But she had faith in this, with everything inside: they could win. After all, if she of all people did not believe, who would? If she believed, they would follow her anywhere.
The construct¹ with the knowledge of her father helped her not to feel the impact of an indescribable mourning. But now there was no trace of him.
This is just one of the few things left, and now it's gone too.
As she walked, she thought of how she grabbed to the little joys her new family had given her, ever since the fake conflicts between Lance and Keith, the endless kindness of Hunk, the Pidge's facade of hardness when she was as lost as all of them.
We are what? A lot of kids playing 'save the world' game.
And there was Shiro, of course.
The one who shared the sleepless nights with her, staring at the immensity of the stars. Who held her when everything threatened to bury her in piles of metaphorical rubble. What was there, dividing the weight of leadership with her. But now he was gone, and the night was longer, the ground was colder, and the interior was emptier than it had ever been.
She couldn't stop the questioning from invading her mind.
Will it always be like this? Will I lose one after another until it's nobody left? How can I title myself to anything when I cannot protect anyone?
Hesitation was always there, but she could not let it show, so she kept her head cool and did her best. At least in front of the paladins. And in front of Coran, because any expression of doubt that she had certainly would make him worry much more than necessary. He had his own ghosts to face, she did not (could not) forget it.
She didn't expect to find the most improbable of the scenes when she entered the kitchen hall. Hunk was preparing something in the middle of the night (night that were programmed to assure them some physiological balance). Around the table, Pidge sat with her head down, Lance hugging her shoulders. Keith was saying something much lower than he used to talk.
Allura forced herself out of her moment of introspection and activated the 'princess of Altea' mode instantly.
"Something happened?"
The four of them turned their heads to her. Pidge wiped her face to keep from showing tears.
"See, you woke up the Princess now!" She sounded very upset.
"But we're being as quiet as we can be." Hunk replied, he turned his back to the group and kept trying to synthesize something in the kitchen.
"Don't worry, Princess, everything is under control." Keith tried to undo the skepticism in the face of the woman in front of him. She raised an eyebrow, clearly not believing in anything he was saying.
"Pidge had a nightmare." Lance did not bother to be scolded by others. "What? She's already here, why hide?"
Allura stepped forward and sat down next to the girl, who still looked shaken. While expressing being a welcoming person, it was not a habit for his paladins to be in physical contact with the princess, so they were surprised when she placed both hands on the younger girl's shoulders and brought her into a warm hug.
It was as if there were no more reservations between them, no difference, no tension. Just a moment when they could be there for each other. Hunk abandoned the whatever-to-whatever recipe and hugged the two, followed by Lance who was already at their side. Keith's heart weighed, he didn't know if he should get up and join them.
The blue paladin's hand shook, calling Keith urgently. The gesture gave the courage to embrace everyone. They stayed that way for a while, until Pidge stirred to get out of the middle of the tightening bodies.
She was smiling, even if not very excited.
"What was your dream about?" Allura asked, her voice sounding worried as when she saw some of them suffering.
"It was nothing, just ..."
"She dreamed that Shiro and her family were dead and she had to explain everything to her mother." Lance interrupted, and Pidge punched him on the shoulder. "Hey, I thought we were having an emotional moment here!"
But Allura was no longer listening. She also had nightmares like these. Since Shiro's disappearance, every night they had been haunted by uncertainty if they still would find him.
"Pidge?" The girl looked, looking ashamed. "It's okay to talk about it, we're all suffering here, the important thing is to be able to count on each other."
"I know, just… since I arrived here, I could not get a clue from my father, or from Matt... I begin to wonder if I can find them, or Shiro. Am I the right person? Do you think you should have chosen someone else to be the Green Paladin? Not that I do not love Green or be here and see the space, but do I deserve such an important role?"
Doubt. Allura knew this feeling so well. But she could not let her paladins feel it. They had to know that they were more than enough. Doubt could erode anything.
Lance did not restrain himself from hearing what Pidge had said, not when at all, he was the one who felt less worthy to be there.
"Of course you deserve to be here, you are the greatest nerd, intelligent and shrewd I've ever known. Look at the things you did here, you learned alien technology to improve your lion!"
"He's right! And you've been in Galaxy Garrison with a fake ID, and fake medical records to spy on! You're like a genius!" Hunk added to try to raise the mood.
"Is that enough for you to believe, or am I going to have to compliment you too?" Keith murmured to her.
The scene left Allura lighter, they had their own support network there.
Did they really need me?
"It's called a Fraud Phenomenon!" Coran's voice sounded loud and unexpected, the group was startled by the man's sneaky presence. So much that Lance fall from his chair.
"Coran, what are you doing here?" The princess asked. Suddenly she noticed all crew awake when they should be resting and she felt she had no control over anything.
"The question is, what are you all doing here?" He scolded.
"Pidge had a nightmare." Hunk explained and shrugged as the girl scolded him.
"That explains why she is here, but what about everyone else?" Coran stared, waiting for a fuller explanation.
"It was a really bad nightmare. She woke us up with screams." Lance said as he rose from the floor. "And Hunk offered to do something to calm us down in the kitchen, but he did not finish anything by now."
"I could not cook when everyone was so emotive!"
"Okay, Allura, paladins' quarters are a long way from yours, I guess you weren't awaken by Pidge's nightmare, right?"
The woman looked at him and blushed. Coran knew she had trouble sleeping, but she had never been properly caught up in the middle of the night. She did not want to worry him about it.
"What is the Fraud Phenomenon?" Pidge interrupted the questioning of the man, who cleared his throat to respond.
"It is when the person can't accept its deeds, and doesn't fell worthy or competent even when there is strong evidence that it deserves the success acquired, or the confidence it is given." All eyes were on Coran now. "Usually people think that everything they've achieved in life has been by luck. Nonsense, is not it?"
But no one seemed to find it silly, whether or not each and every one of them had experienced it.
"I read about it, but I knew it as 'the Impostor Syndrome'." Keith said and was interrupted by Lance.
"Really? You like, read a book?"
"Why could not I have read a book?"
"You do not look like the kind who has the patience to stop and read something." Lance countered.
"Ok, enough! It's late and I think we're out of time here, go back to your dorms and try to get some rest, we'll have a long day tomorrow." Allura interrupted the discussion and the paladins grumbled. But still, they got up and headed out of the kitchen.
Allura noticed that they were still talking on the way, until their voices could no longer be heard by the altheans.
"You still have not told me why you're awake, princess." Coran stood beside her, also staring at the door. "Still insomniac?"
A faint smile graced her features. "You know me like no one, Coran." She turned and faced him. "Thank you for the words of today for the paladins, I'm sure it will help them to trust more in themselves."
"Hope it helps you too." Coran answered and she felt her cheeks warm. "They helped their father, a long time ago."
That surprised Allura. Alfor had always been a strong and confident king, it was hard to believe that he had ever felt any doubt. Coran led Allura out of the kitchen to the door of her room as she thought about it.
As he opened the door, the man take her hand, as he only did when she was a child, and suddenly she felt like they were standing like ten thousand years ago.
"Rest, Princess."
She smiled. That night she wouldn't fell the cold, or the emptiness. And Allura felt firmly attached to the present like never before.
Notes:
It's hard for me to disconnect from the past and I feel as if, for Allura, it must have been a shock suddenly to lose everything. I really wanted an interaction between her and the paladins with the absence of Shiro, since when he's around I feel a polarization between young and adults. Does not mean I don't want Space Dad back.
If this fanfic did not make any sense, I'm sorry, it's been two years since I wrote anything. And English is not my first language, so let me know if something sounds weird. Enjoy and leave your opinions. If the reception is good, maybe I'll do more.
(1) Construct is the word used in the novel Neuromancer for the technology that copies the knowledge and simulates the personality of someone who has already died.