I'm still unsure of what to do with this story. I just had this in my head and had to write it down... see where it would go. It's not great material but I decided to share anyway. Maybe I'll leave it as a one shot, or maybe I'll throw in a couple more chapters. Decisions, decisions.
Hello World
Chapter 1: Welcome to My Loneliness
There's no agreed definition for loneliness among the experts. It all depends on which theoretical orientation they're basing themselves on. There are three aspects however that all experts seem to agree on in their defense of their theories:
1- Loneliness is a very particular experience to each individual that cannot be exclusively related to actual isolation;
2- That very particular experience is very unpleasant to the individual;
3- Loneliness results from some sort of deficient relationship.
Maura Isles could definitely agree with all the above. Although she had always had difficulty making friends and was always the outcast, she had grown up in a world where she wasn't alone. Ever. She had grown up with a renowned family and social outings happened weekly, if not daily, for the Isles family. Between fundraisings, congresses, debates, high profile dinner parties and any other kind of interactions expected for wealthy families with remarkable power within the society, Maura was never alone in the literal sense of the world. She grew up with rich children whom she couldn't relate to. Sure she had wealthiness in common with them, but that was about where their common aspects both started and ended. Maura was fascinated with learning as much as she could about everything and anything. She didn't want to impose herself limits to her natural curiosity. She wanted to grasp every bit of information. Sadly, she found no other child in her world seemed to agree with her. They were spoiled, obnoxious children who made fun of her for her goofiness and lack of social abilities. Maura found herself seeking the company of the maids who worked for her parents, but they couldn't satisfy the need she had to find someone who would actually understand her and want to be with her without the payment expected at the end of each month. She had no concept of friendship. She had read about it and imagined it to be a wonderful thing involving trust, sharing, love – all things she had never experienced, all things from fairy tale worlds she had long ceased to believe in. So, even though Maura did feel lonely when she was indeed alone – because she wanted the company of someone – she felt it mostly when she was accompanied by the shallow people from her realm. Of course not all of them were terrible companions, but none of them seemed to know how to truly enjoy life. Money could buy everything, but it didn't bring any excitement to life after a while. It was actually when she was surrounded by these people that Maura felt lonely the most, that she desired to be with someone else instead. Someone who would bring excitement into her life, who could learn her real self and still accept her, someone who wouldn't want to be with her merely because of the money or the social status her name represented. Someone she didn't know.
Yes, there are different kinds of loneliness. There is the loneliness of solitude in which the person experiences a peaceful state from being alone with the ultimate mysteries of life – the harmony of people, nature, faith, and the universe – there is loneliness of a life suddenly shattered by tragedy, illness, betrayal, deceit, and death. Loneliness as a personality trait or as a psychological state in which people experience it at different periods of time at different moments of their existence, meaning the person may have either a relatively small experience of solitude or be loneliness personified. Although Maura could fit in more than one form, it was the social loneliness and the emotional loneliness the kinds that best described her. No one to talk to, no one to share her achievements with, no one who needed her and whom she needed back, no one to go out with, no one to watch a movie with her. Thousands of acquaintances she had, but not one single friend and certainly not a personal, intimate relationship with anyone. Desperation, boredom, impatience and self-depreciation were probably accurate terms to describe Maura's feelings. Even if it was true the blonde doctor always walked with confidence, only showed her strengths and politeness, refusing to show her frail state, even if her job was the escape she had from her sad reality, she often found herself desiring to be loved by someone, to share her mundane experiences with someone, to have a person waiting for her at home, who would greet her with enthusiasm, kiss her tenderly and make her feel the most special woman in the world. For years, she feared her incapacity to make friends. Now, at 31, that was no longer a childhood fear. It was her reality and even though to the outsider she looked like the most composed person they would ever come across with Maura felt one step away from losing her stance. She could die and no one would notice. Her mother would be too busy to notice, her father wouldn't even bother and there was no one else who would check in on her from time to time. No one would miss her.
Having come to terms with the fact she would have to live with this problem forever, Maura had read plenty of material about the subject, familiarizing with it on every level, perhaps hoping that if she studied it maybe she could accept it as her own personal friend. She often smiled, thinking about it. According to investigation, she imagined if loneliness was a person it would probably be someone between the ages 18 and 25. According to the UCLA scale of loneliness It would be either man or woman and it would be someone single, with low socioeconomic status and whose parents were divorced. It was often Maura played this game with herself, imagining what her friend would look like within those parameters. It would be someone different all the time. Different looks, different stories, different likes and dislikes; Maura would create her own characters and pleasantly welcome them into her head, never forgetting to thank them for their company, always urging them to visit soon. Unfortunately, after the amusement caused by her secret game, depression always followed. It simply reiterated that even within loneliness she was an outcast. Even Loneliness wouldn't want to be her friend. She felt pathetic, on the verge of insanity. Those were Doctor Maura Isles' first thoughts of every morning when she woke up and last thoughts of every night right before she fell asleep. Always were and always would be.