Please don't leave me


A/N: So… first I decided to make this one as a songfic but then… it just didn't seem such a good idea on the other hand. Anyways, I got the inspiration from Pink's song Please don't leave me, which suits perfectly for this, for Ed and Roy. And yea, I – for some weird little reason – like the idea that Ed is violent towards Roy (and well, everyone) because he's mentally unstable after all he's been through. I also like to write about these kinds of relationships, when it really isn't all about butterflies, rainbows and such… And I think that Ed and Roy's relationship would be… rocky. Well, enough with the blabbing already…

Ed was just about to knock the door when he suddenly stopped. He heard that his name was mentioned. Usually that would have caused Ed to kick the door in, to find out what and why people were talking about behind his back. But for some reason, this time Ed stopped and just stayed there, listening what was said behind the door. "How's things with Ed, that's what you mean?" Of course Roy was there, in his own office, sitting on his chair all high and mighty and gossiping about him… Well, fuck him! Ed would hear what that bastard had to say about him and if it was bad, something like: "He is incredibly short, even when he's 17, isn't he?" Ed would go in and kick the bastard's face. With his automail leg. And if it was good… well, Ed had a hard time picturing Roy Mustang blabbing how wonderfully lovely person Ed was… Ed decided to focus to listening.

"I don't know… I'm not sure if I can take this much longer." Ed swallowed. And even though he had never believed in God, that moment the prayed that he had heard wrong Roy's words. Ed tried to remember how to breathe. His hands were shaking. He didn't want to hear a single word, not anymore… And yet, he had to. There would be something, Roy would add something which would make everything all right, he would say: "Just kidding" or he would say: "But then again, I know I can", he would say anything at all that would make everything all right and that pain in Ed's chest would just disappear, like it always did. "What do you mean", another voice asked and Ed realized that it was Hawkeye, but he didn't care because it felt like his entire life depended on Roy and the words he would say soon.

"What I mean is that I'm tired… So god damn tired." Tired? Roy was tired? When Ed thought about it, he remembered the way Roy looked like sometimes. It wasn't angry, had it ever been? No… It was sad sometimes, or was it? It had been. But now… Wasn't it just… tired? So tired, exhausted, and shattered. Had Ed ever noticed, even just for once…? No, he hadn't. "Tired of the situation, or… tired of him?" Tired of him. Tired of ED. Was Roy tired of Ed…? He couldn't be, could he? Was there any reason, even a little one that Roy still would face Ed every single day without just wanting to turn away? Was there any reason that Roy wouldn't had gotten tired of Ed, somewhere in between. "I don't know. I just don't know, Riza. Sometimes this… Ed makes me just wish I was someone else."

Ed was shaking, he was swallowing hard, his heart was beating swallow against his chest, he felt the urge to throw up, his eyes smarted, because Ed never had no idea that he made Roy feel like that. Ed had always known that sometimes he was but a burden on Roy's shoulders, he knew for sure that he was far away from perfect, that maybe he was the complete opposite of perfect but… he had no idea Roy had suffered because of him. "Did Ed do that too?" Ed closed his eyes tightly and wished he could just stop existing. The sick feeling was taking control of Ed's body, it bended him down on his knees. "He did. But it doesn't matter." Doesn't matter? What the hell was that? If Roy was sick and tired of Ed, of course it mattered… Because Ed knew almost too clearly why Roy was tired of him… And suddenly he remembered every single time. Every single bruise on Roy's skin, every single scratch, every single tooth's mark. Every single time Ed had made them on Roy's skin. Ed didn't stay to hear the rest of it; he had got to get out of there.

***

"Are you sure? 100 percent sure", Al asked for the thousandth time. "Yes, Al, I am totally fucking sure that he hates me and doesn't really want to be with me anymore… Come on, you know what he said! He wants to be someone else, because of me!" Damn it… Ed had somehow crawled to Al's apartment, nearly hyperventilating, shaking from head to toes. First it had felt like his chest had been ripped apart, like half of him had been taken away. It made Ed feel miserable. And then he had suddenly been just mad, he had felt the huge urge to crush someone's head, Roy's head. Why did that bastard go around yelling how tired he was of Ed? Ed was tired of Roy too, so fucking tired that he was such an ass, nooo, he just couldn't say anything to ED but to anyone else, yes…

How Ed wished that he would still be just mad. Being mad was so easy, especially when you were mad at someone else. Then all the negative feelings were directed to someone else besides yourself and they were easier to bare with. Now that Ed had calmed down, he wasn't mad, at all. Well, maybe a little bit for himself… But mostly he just blamed himself. And hated himself. "Ed… If that's what he really thinks, he doesn't deserve you", Al said and smiled a bit while he patted Ed's back. "Right", Ed muttered but he couldn't bring himself to believe Al's words.

It was Ed's fault, only Ed's… He had always been the one who screwed up every single thing that was good; it was him and only him, not Roy.Roy had always tried to make things work, tried to make Ed work, he had been so patient and good with Ed, for Ed. He had taken every punch, he had never pulled away. He had held Ed even when he was such a mess. Even though he was nothing but a mess. It was only natural that even Roy got tired of all that, tired of Ed's fits of rage, Ed's fists. Tired of trying to make Ed calm down. Ed put a stiff smile upon his lips and went to the toilet, away from his brother's worried eyes. Ed sat down to the corner and put his head against his knees.

Suddenly Ed realized that he was scared. It was almost worse than those times when Ed had feared death, when he had been sure that he would die. It was worse. To realize that when Roy would say those words against Ed's face, when Roy would leave him, what would Ed do…? Because there was no one who would take Ed's hits like Roy always did. No one but Roy managed to make Ed calm down, who didn't just get away, fearing Ed when rage got the control of him. There was no one who held Ed like Roy did, making Ed feel himself whole for once in his life. There was no one. Would there ever be?

***

After spending a few days at Al's place, Ed had had plenty of time to think. He hadn't slept nearly at all, he couldn't sleep, not when Roy wasn't there by his side, holding Ed tightly when Ed started to get those dark thoughts about his past which made him shake from head to toes. But Ed had decided. He had to face Roy eventually so why make it longer? It wasn't like he didn't know what Roy was about to say… The faster Roy left Ed, the better… And it wasn't like Ed had no one besides Roy. Ed had Al. But he knew it wasn't the same, it could never be. Because Ed didn't want Al to see what he really was – a mess. He wanted that Al would be just happy, without any worries now that he finally had his body back. Ed didn't want Al to worry or to suffer ever again…

But Ed would make it. Come on, he had been through a lot harder things than that. He wasn't like anyone else; he had been through a lot of shit in his life… So of course he would manage without Roy… He would. "Fuck this, who am I kidding", Ed asked as he stared in the mirror. He was nobody but Roy had made him feel like he was someone, that being the messed-up himself as he was, he had a purpose… Enough with this fucking weeping! He's not going to leave me, even if he wanted to… I won't let him leave me!

"You going somewhere, brother?" Ed glanced at Al and nodded. "I'm gonna kick that bastard's ass for even thinking about leaving me." Al blinked his eyes in surprise, and it was no wonder. Seeing his brother so… determined after many, many hours of depressing sighs and tears which he had – of course – hidden from Al. "Alright, um… Good luck?" Ed put his jacket on and before he went out of the apartment, he said: "Thanks. I'll see you around." Al didn't even get to say goodbye, when Ed was already gone. Al shook his head and smiled a bit, wishing so hard that everything would be alright with his brother and Roy. Because the way Ed smiled when he was with Roy… Al had never seen his brother smiling so brightly, so happily. Al wanted to see that smile again.

***

Roy rubbed his eyes and got up as he heard demanding knocks on the door. It was about time, Roy thought and put away the book he had been reading. "I know you're there, so open up, you bastard!" Roy shook his head and went to the hall and opened the door to face Edward Elric, who didn't look very pleased to see him. "Hello, Ed. How nice of you to step by. Where the hell have you been? I tried to call you and everyone who know you but apparently no one had a clue about your location… Can you stop doing that?"

Roy watched confused as Ed's angry expression changed into desperate one. Roy knew from experience that there was something wrong, that look on Ed's face never promised any good. "Well, I have to ask you to stop doing things too…" Roy couldn't help himself but feeling worried. Something was definitely wrong. "Ed… What's going on?" Ed clenched his fists and stared at Roy. "Why don't you tell me?" Even though Ed clearly tried to be demanding and angry, Roy saw through his act. He was upset, very upset.

"I have no idea. Suddenly, out of nowhere you stop coming by and I don't know where you are, what's happened to you… Do you have no idea how I've felt? Past three days I've been a mess, I couldn't sleep or eat because I've been so damn worried about you! And you come here now, asking ME to tell what's going on… Ed, that's just – " Roy sighed, never finishing his sentence. He did not want to be like that, he didn't want to yell at Ed's face, he didn't want to see his eyes glittering from the tears that he was trying to hold back. But Roy couldn't help himself, he had been so worried…

"Don't tell me that shit. How you've felt? I don't give a damn about that! I HEARD YOU!" Roy shook his head, he had no idea why Ed was acting like that, he had no idea what was going on. He just wanted to hold Ed and kiss him senseless and just hold him the whole day but Ed seemed to be against that idea and Roy wanted to know what was happening, why Ed was so upset and messed up. "Heard me…?" "Yes, you fucking moron! I heard when you talked with Hawkeye. When you said you're tired of me… That – that when you're with me you wanna be someone else…" Oh… Oh no.

Ed wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket and hid his face from Roy. "Ed", Roy whispered. "I'm sorry…" Ed shook his head. "Don't be. I know, I'm nothing but a burden for you… But I can change, really… I mean it." Roy watched Ed for a while before he sighed. "Why don't you just come in before my neighbors get curious…" Suddenly Ed came closer and put his hands on Roy's shoulders, staring at him from below. "I mean it. I can change and I will change. I'll be anything you've ever wanted, I swear… I'll become better, in every way and then you won't think about leaving me ever again… Because it seems that I can't live without you… I can't be whole without you… I need you damn much so I'll make you need me too… Just wait and see."

Roy was quiet for a while, staring at Ed's face in disbelief. When he realized that Ed was dead serious, he laughed a bit. "Ed… You really though I was going to leave you?" Ed blinked his eyes and now the tears started to roll down against his cheeks. "You… You weren't?" "No, you fool… I won't leave you just because there are days when I'm tired of this. It's normal when you're in a relationship. I just had a bad day, that's all. Ed, please understand that even though at times I'm tired of this, it doesn't mean I want to end this. It doesn't mean I'm tired of you, it doesn't mean that I don't love you. Those are just days which are washed away every time when I get to hold you close and you give me so damn many feelings that no one could ever make me feel the same…"

Roy smiled as Ed stared at him with pure confusion on his expression and the hands on Roy's shoulders squeezed him almost too tightly. "But… that doesn't make any sense", Ed whispered. "Oh, yes it does. Why wouldn't it make?" Ed shook his head and wiped the tears off with his hands, moving away from Roy. "It just doesn't. But I meant it when I said that I can change. Then you won't have those days…" Roy couldn't help himself, he just had to grab Ed and hug him tightly.

"Don't do it." Ed was silent a moment before he asked: "Why?" "Because I love you. Just the way you are." Ed pushed Roy away and stared at him. "That can't be true! Come on, you love ME? Oh yea, let's just forget about the fact that I make your life hell, I'm fucking violent towards you, I'm nothing but a mess… nothing at all. Admit it, Roy. I'm only a burden for you; your life would be easier if you didn't have to deal with me every damn day…" Roy rubbed his head. He had no idea how to make Ed realize… But he had to try. "It is true that my life sure would be easier without you… and more boring too. And meaningless. The reason why I stand you and the fact that you really are pretty messed up sometimes is… that it's all worth it. Because I know that eventually you'll calm down that, eventually I get to see your smile again, hear your laugh again. It's all worth it. A life without you in it… I don't even want to imagine it. Because I need you in my life, by my side."

It seemed like forever. When the two of those just stood there, in Roy's hall, staring at each other, tears rolling down against Ed's cheeks. "Why would you need me", Ed finally whispered. "Why would you need someone like me when you could do so much better, when there are plenty of people out there who would do anything to be with you, who could be better for you… Why…?" Roy went closer and leaned in to whisper in Ed's ear: "Because it seems that I can't live without you, I can't be whole without you." Ed sobbed a bit and Roy smiled at him, kissing his tears-covered cheeks. Ed closed his eyes as Roy kissed his eyelids as well. "Ed… Don't ever, never think that I would leave you. Because I won't." Roy stared into Ed's eyes for a while and when he nodded, letting out a soft sob, Roy kissed him gently.

***

Ed watched Roy's sleeping face and couldn't help but being amazed. How couldn't it be amazing? That in this world, one person existed… The one person for Ed. Who always managed to calm him down, even when he was breaking apart, in pieces...When Ed thought that nothing in the world could bring him back, Roy was there, patiently by Ed's side, washing it all away, washing the hurt away. Who eventually managed to make Ed smile, to make him laugh and feel happiness once again. The one thing that was possible before Roy became the most important person in Ed's life. Ed lifted his hand and touched Roy's hair. It was silky soft under his palms. Ed felt calm, he was peaceful now that he was there, in that place, in Roy's – no, in their bed, on the side which was closer to the wall, watching Roy's sleep. He didn't want to be anywhere else.

Roy had explained the things he had said. That when Roy had said that Ed made him wish he was someone else, Roy had explained to Riza that he was afraid that he wouldn't be enough for Ed, that Ed needed someone stronger beside him, someone who could heal Ed. Maybe they both were just fools, thinking they weren't good enough for each other when they were perfect for each other, when they just matched.
And even though Ed found it a bit difficult to believe Roy's words, that he loved Ed even though Ed was… well, who he was… Ed was hoping. That one day, he would really believe in Roy's words. And that he could say those words back too. But for now on, that was enough.

Ed sighed and smiled. "Hmm? Are you awake", Roy mumbled. "Sorry… Did I wake you up?" Roy rubbed his sleepy eyes and kissed Ed's bare shoulder. "You did. And for that you have to do something…" Ed raised his eyebrows as he saw Roy's grin. "Something? Like what?" "Well… We are naked. And in the bed. Why don't you use your imagination?" Ed grinned too and leaned in. "As you wish", he said before he kissed Roy. He really did. He loved that man, who seemed to have the ability of saving Ed's life over and over again, the ability of saving Ed.

And if Roy really loved Ed too… Ed had nothing to be afraid of. And knowing that, maybe someday, with Roy's help of course… Ed's scars would be only tepid marks on his skin, nothing more. With Roy, Ed saw that day coming. Then, out of nowhere, a sudden insecurity filled Ed. "Are you… sure that you never wanna leave me?" Ed watched into Roy's dark eyes, being afraid of his answer. "You fool", Roy said softly and kissed Ed. Ed's body relaxed and he smiled against Roy's lips. That was the best affirmative answer he had ever had. Ed would stay there… forever, if possible. If only Roy wanted him to. And somehow, Ed was pretty sure he did.

A/N2: Okay. Thanks for reading… I have to admit that I was like 'wtf' when I started to write the fluffy-parts… I mean, this was supposed to be pretty angsty but it ended being the cheesiest thing ever. I had no idea what happened. Maybe a cotton candy monster ate my brain? God, I hope not… Things happened really fast too… And in the end both Ed and Roy were all OOC. I mean… wow. Maybe it's all because it's already past midnight and my school starts tomorrow and I promised to myself that I won't go to sleep until I finish this. D: Anyways, tell me what you thought about this weirdo piece of… err… yea. :-D