Between the Shadow and the Soul
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda.
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
Hinata laid awake, contemplating the moments in her life leading up to this. The crickets chirped in the background and she could hear the whizzing of stray mosquitos circling around their small tent. She heard the crackling of fire outside her temporary campsite and could see a tall silhouette of a man around it, stoking the fire. Soon, he plopped down on the ground and hunched over, grabbing a pole and sticking a marshmallow on the end of it and bringing it near their campfire as a late-night snack.
Hinata let out a deep breath.
Naruto…
The love of her life. She didn't know how to feel about camping in for a week to spend their anniversary. They spent a lot of time saving up for their 5-year anniversary for a dream location. Naruto insisted on going camping in Denali, Alaska. At first, she was very hesitant because of the large predators but the more she saw pictures of the national park, the more she fell in love with its natural beauty and eventually agreed.
She has only been camping once but it was at a campsite and not backcountry camping. She felt the weight of her pack on her feet and she knew would have large blisters on her toes. It was extremely uncomfortable for her the first two days, but Naruto supported her without her asking and for that, she was grateful. She knew that he was more experienced in these things, so she wholeheartedly trusted him and his judgement.
She felt extremely grimy the first day and wished she could shower. However, once she saw the rolling hills streaked vivid green, she forgot about all the complaints she had. It was breathtaking. In the distance, she saw a family of four wolves and for a moment, her breath hitched in fear, but Naruto grabbed her hand and gently squeezed it in reassurance.
"It's okay, they'll leave us alone if we don't bother them." He gave her his trademark smile and leaned down to kiss her forehead.
She closed her eyes and smiled. How she loved those kisses.
The continued along and came across lakes with caribou swimming in them and lapping at the water. Some were even foraging through the grass. She witnessed from a great distance the grandeur view of Mt. McKinley that stole her breath away.
On the second day, there was confusion in where they were for a moment. They hiked a lot slower than they would have liked. Naruto almost missed their landmark; the fork in the river. They almost continued north but decided to head west and cut through a valley. They went through multiple water features and getting past it took forever. They had to scale a hill because the foliage was so dense. That was a tough day for both of them. There were hardly any changing scenery either so it also made the day feel longer.
Hinata was irritated and tried to hide it but it only made things worse. Naruto was struggling not to show his frustration as well. He continued to help her in silence and Hinata felt slightly distraught that they were in a silent battle between each other in the wild. Once the night came, it all dissipated when Naruto was cooking.
"I'm sorry about today Hinata," he silently proclaimed. "I know today was rough, but I hope that I helped you out as much as I could, so you wouldn't be in as much pain or discomfort," he said. He shut off the mini carry-on stove and let their pot sit for a bit to cool down.
Hinata's face relaxed and she felt terrible about her attitude that day.
Naruto stood up and grabbed some water. "Well, let's eat!"
Hinata kept stealing glances at Naruto. He was wearing a long sleeve shirt and long pants. She could see the outline of his biceps while he was eating his portion of the meal. He was more silent than usual, and his face was very stoic. It was uncharacteristic of him and it worried Hinata a bit.
They traveled a bit farther from their campsite to clean their eating utensils. She helped Naruto rinse off their pot with water and watched as he drank the diluted remains of their meal. She copied Naruto's movements as he grabbed some pine needles and dirt to use as an abrasive to get rid of the remaining food residue. He flung the remains inside behind him and Hinata did the same. He poured a bit of water to get rid of the dirt and then threw that as well.
He stood up and grinned at her. "Done! Ready to go to sleep?" he asked.
Hinata smiled and nodded.
He grabbed her hand. "Then let's go."
Once they were inside their tent, Hinata snuggled up to his side and felt his lips nuzzle the top of her head. "Goodnight Hinata. I love you."
She smiled into his side and murmured, "I love you too."
Once he was dozing off she incoherently muttered as she too felt sleep creeping up on her, "and I'm sorry…"
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
The next couple of days were better. They walked in silence or had vivacious conversations about the past, present, and future.
During their moments of silence, Hinata was reminded of her previous relationship and how miserable she felt in it. It wasn't that it was abusive or anything, but it deteriorated each year and she felt trapped in it towards the very end. She also believed he did too.
It's also ironic that he interrupted her thoughts to initiate the conversation about it.
"Hinata, I know I never really asked, but what happened between you and Sasuke?"
It startled her for a moment. It made her feel that he could read her mind.
Why did she go out with him and stay with him for almost 4 years?
"That's…a good question," she started off hesitantly. "It was almost the entirety of our college years spent together…and then, nothing…" she uttered silently, her thoughts blending together as a flurry of memories raced through her mind at lightening speed.
Naruto spoke up, "You don't have to be uncomfortable with me Hinata. I'm not going to judge you for it."
She looked up and saw the genuine concern in his eyes and felt reassured.
Hinata sighed, "It's kind of awkward…He's your best friend."
Naruto snorted, "Yeah I know but he likes to change the topic whenever I bring you up, even now."
Hinata winced. "Ah." She let out a long sigh. She could sense his coldness whenever they were in the same space for a gathering of friends. She was able to ignore it when she was close to Naruto and never felt bothered when the blonde was nearby.
Hinata sighed and gazed out at the wildflowers nearby. She saw columbine, larkspur, wild irises, and forget-me-nots.
"It was," she started off uncertainly, "it was interesting to say the least. We were amiable with each other in our classes and helped each other out often. I wouldn't say that were close, more like acquaintances on the verge of friendship."
Hinata let out a tiny smile. "He asked me out after about 6 months later and I agreed. It was on okay first date. I wasn't sure how to feel about him, but I guess he liked the whole evening and asked me out for a second date."
Hinata twiddled her fingers. "Soon after, we became official and it was nice for a while, but I knew our differences would be a huge challenge. Our relationship became routine and monotonous. He's not really the adventurous type so there were things I wanted to try but was too nervous to do alone."
Hinata let out a frustrated sigh. "But he was so 'urgh!'"
Naruto let out a laugh. "Urgh?"
Hinata nodded her head frantically. "Yeah! He was rude that it embarrassed me in certain situations and he's so set in his ways that there's no way he would budge on something if he refused."
Naruto's intense gaze on her caused her to continue spilling out what she never really discussed with him before. "I think that's why it went downhill the way that it did. We had disagreements that were never really resolved. We just continued on and ignored it. I…don't think that's healthy."
"He became my first in a lot of things so that's why his persistent cold demeanor towards me slightly bothers me still."
"That bastard. I still tell him to be nicer to you," Naruto said while glaring at the grass.
Hinata let out a nervous chuckle. "I can understand why he treats me that way…"
Naruto shook his head, "That's still no excuse though."
Hinata smiled at him sadly. "Well," she started off nervously. She felt her stomach churn at the thought but after being with him for such a long time, she felt that she needed to get it off her chest once and for all.
"I guess he never told you either."
Naruto raised an eyebrow. "Tell me what?"
Hinata closed her eyes. "He proposed to me 10 months before we started to go out."
She turned to face him and saw that his eyes were wide.
"What?" he asked, stupefied.
"Yeah…but I said no."
"Why?" he blurted out.
She giggled, "Well, I knew that at that point in our relationship, it had deteriorated so much that I couldn't imagine myself being with him for more than a year afterwards. It came as a shock to me to be honest. When he was about to propose to me, I thought he was going to break it off with me but that wasn't the case.
"He got down on one knee in our apartment and proposed. I just stared at the ring and my potential future with him flashed through my eyes and I just couldn't do it."
Hinata laid back on the grass and stared at the sky. Maybe I should tell him.
"Naruto, we were friends during this time and the reason why it deteriorated so much is because we were so different, and I slowly started to realize that were falling into a mundane relationship with each other. It's like I was just settling. I didn't want to feel that way.
"But I also knew that as different as we were, I also started to develop feelings for you. We are different, but we also complement each other. I love that about us. Sasuke wasn't adventurous or interested in exploring things like I was so I felt discouraged. But with you, when I told you, you gently nudged me and joined me in new things. It still makes me feel happy and overjoyed.
She turned her head and saw Naruto's mouth was slightly wide.
Hinata let out a chuckle. "What am I saying? I'm just rambling now and I'm not even sure how to describe what I had with Sasuke. It was different, comfortable, and odd.
"Anyway, when I gently turned him down, he snapped the ring box shut and stormed out of our apartment. I felt scared because I knew it was the end of our relationship. I laid in bed alone and I felt hurt but also relieved at the same time.
"The next day, I began to pack my things and decided to move back home and continue my last year of school as a commuter."
"Sasuke came back to our apartment and didn't say a word to me and also began to pack his things. I wanted to apologize to him properly and talk about it, but he refused."
Hinata began to tear up. Naruto laid down beside her and intertwined his hands with her. "You must think I'm terrible for even crying about this."
Naruto let out a soft chuckle, "No you have every right to be upset about that. I can understand why he would be upset but he never let you talk to him since that day huh?"
"No…"
Naruto stroked her cheek with the back of his index and middle finger and gave her a tender stare. "That asshole."
Hinata playfully tapped his leg. "I don't hold it against him though. He might still be hurt about it…"
Hinata leaned into his hand and relaxed. The past was in the past. She feels bad that Sasuke may still feel hurt about it, but he has moved on with their good friend Sakura. Perhaps it's embarrassment and a wounded pride. It doesn't matter anymore. Her thoughts led her back to Naruto and then an overwhelming emotion flowed through her. She abruptly turned her head and felt an immense love course through her as she stared at the blonde-haired man. His sun-kissed skin and whisker-like marks on his cheeks made her smile.
"Naruto, I love you so much. It was probably awkward hearing that because he's still your friend but-"
Naruto turned his body and moved his large figure so it he was in between her legs and face to face with her. He silenced her with a deep kiss. "It wasn't Hinata. Thank you for trusting me." He gazed into her opal eyes and Hinata took a whiff of his scent. It musky with a bit of smelly body odor but it was all of Naruto, as well as her, surrounded by wild flowers masking their stench. She cupped his cheek and brought him down for another kiss.
No one can make Hinata feel this way but Naruto.
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body
It was their last night spent in Denali and Hinata felt relief that they were going back home. Throughout their hikes, she realized how sensitive Naruto was and how concerned he was for her well-being. He would carry some of her stuff when she got too tired and made sure to stop for breaks when she struggled and cooked most of the time.
She especially loved the tender moments they shared in the wide expanse of the national park. When they stood in close proximity to each other as he placed his hands on her slender waist and gave her forehead kisses which she absolutely loved. She loved when he ran his hands through her greasy hair and she loved when he dozed off in her lap during their short rest periods.
It was night and Hinata laid wide awake hearing the well-balanced crickets in the background. It felt peaceful to her and she was going to miss this silence compared to the city. She slowly rose from her sleeping back and began to unzip her tent. She wanted to be close to Naruto and couldn't fall asleep without him.
When she poked her head out, she realized that Naruto didn't notice. It concerned her since he seemed lost in thought. What if there was a threat nearby? She had to call him into the tent now.
"Naruto?"
She saw that he slightly jumped. "Oh hey."
Hinata sat down on the ground beside him. "Is something the matter?"
Naruto's face relaxed and he shook his head. "No, just thinking."
Hinata stared at the night sky and saw the myriad of stars that they would never get to see in the city. "It's late. We should go back to the tent."
Naruto remained silent and then turned to face her. Half of his face remained in shadow while the other half was illuminated due to the fire.
Hinata couldn't tell what was going through his mind but the intensity of his stare made her feel that something heavy was on his mind.
He abruptly stood up and extended his hand towards her. She took it and also stood up.
He cupped her cheek before rummaging his pocket.
"Hinata," he murmured, before dropping down on one knee and opened a tiny ring box.
He started, "I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,"
Hinata's eyes widened and then began to gloss over with unshed tears. It was her favorite sonnet. She only told him once how much she loved it when she was interpreting it for a project.
She began to recite the sonnet with him in sync, "I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep."
Her voice quivered throughout the rest of the sonnet and a single stray tear rolled down her cheek. Naruto's eyes were also slightly watery.
"Hinata, I am so in love with you. I want to lose myself in your smile and feel the love that drew your soul to mine. I want to be your last in everything. Will you marry me?"
Without hesitation she uttered, "Yes!" she ignored the ring and dropped down to her knees to embrace him and placed a sloppy kiss on his lips, surrounded by the crickets and stray hoots from nearby owls.
As they lay in the tent, Naruto's arm encircling her shoulder and Hinata laying her head on his chest, Hinata listened to his heartbeat, memorizing the rhythmic beat and inhaling his scent.
"You know," he started.
"Hm?" Hinata inquired.
"I was head over heals for you while you were with Sasuke."
Hinata perked up at this. "Really?"
Naruto laughed nervously, "Yeah. When we hung out, it was to get along with you, even as friends and I felt super comfortable, more than I ever felt with any woman. I think Sasuke started to realize it. That's when he started to not bring you along when I was around."
Hinata recalled that Sasuke would say it was a bunch of his guy friends and that it would be awkward if she tagged along. "I noticed that too."
"I'm glad we are here now. Together," he said as he brought her closer to him.
She nuzzled her head back on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. She felt a commitment and a love so deeply forged that she knew Naruto and she ceased to be "each other." They were as much the other as they could ever be. Oneness in the face of the wilderness or in a bustling city. Love – with its becauses', and more importantly, with its despite ofs'.
Hinata smiled, "Me too."
Naruto's burly hand rested on her dainty one on his chest. He didn't mind the diamond poking into his palm.
Soon, his eyes began to close when she dozed off.
The end
I honestly don't know what this was. I was just in the mood for some NaruHina and Pablo Neruda's Sonnet XVII and some good old camping trip.
I hope y'all enjoyed it!