No One Knows
By the time we returned to camp it was close to sunset. Ax and I had made good time and with all that had been going on, Jake's request for us to find Chapman had been, comparatively speaking, simple. Chapman was an old adversary. We knew his motivations. He could have only been in two places, I reasoned. One place was among the Yeerks that were now openly invading Earth. Maybe in one of the Bug Fighters that was swooping around, torching innocents. Chapman's Yeerk was, if nothing else, a loyal follower of Visser One. But something told me that bombing the Yeerk pool had not given Chapman opportune time to rejoin the Visser's forces. And besides a spot at Visser One's side, there was one other place that Chapman would have held at equal, if not higher, priority.
We found Chapman with his family. Or rather, we found Iniss 226 still honoring the conditions of Chapman's voluntary infestation: looking after Melissa. Ensuring her safety. Without their house, the family was hiding amongst a congregation of other refugees trying to make sense of the rapidly escalating destruction.
Ax had handled the negotiation from there, the two of us in our bird morphs, hidden from his view. We pretended we were morph-capable Yeerks, summoning Chapman on behalf of the Visser. He either came quietly or we went to get him. Not so quietly.
Chapman obeyed.
It was a small victory, that things went as smoothly as they did. Ax just demorphed and knocked Chapman out with his tail as soon as he came to our location. And it was a victory for Chapman, the host. I knew that abducting Chapman now meant that his long nightmare was over. The next time he saw Melissa, it wouldn't be as a Controller.
If Melissa survived. If we won.
I morphed horse. Minneapolis Max. And, working with Ax, we managed to put Chapman's unconscious body on my back to carry. Then I did what my morph wanted to do, was itching to do.
I ran.
I ran as hard as I could, with Ax in the air, watching to make sure I didn't run into trouble. I ran from devastation to devastation, now eye-level with the burning world around me. I tried to block it out as much as I could, tried to focus on how good it felt to have the wind through my mane, stretches of abandoned road ahead.
(Is Chapman still out?) I slowed to a stop once we reached the dense canopy hiding the entrance to the Hork Bajir valley. My muscles were twitching painfully from overexertion. I didn't care.
(Yes.) Ax landed and demorphed. He tried to pull Chapman off my back with his weak Andalite arms. Instead Chapman toppled off, landing head-first into the grassy ground with a dull thump.
(Yikes. As if he doesn't already have a concussion.)
(Unfortunate.) Ax didn't sound as if he meant it. Cassie, (It has been almost been two of your hours.)
I morphed back to human. Ax also morphed human so he could have the upper body strength to move Chapman.
"Do you need to rest?" Ax asked when I didn't immediately remorph to horse.
"No, let's get on with it." I took a breath.
I could imagine what Jake wanted with Chapman. What he wanted to do with Erek, if Marco managed to find the Chee. It didn't sit well with me. But I was tired. Too tired to moralize anymore.
I was scared, too. Scared how Jake had ordered us all off like that, rapid-fire, suddenly so full of purpose.
"I'm going to win." That's what Jake had said. "I'm going to win."
No "we." No "us." He would win. Jake would.
At any cost.
I took another breath. "Actually, let's take a second here Ax. Just a second."
Ax rolled Chapman over onto his side. "Are you concerned about Prince Jake?"
An insane, nervous giggle rocked my body. I had never known I was capable of that sound. "Concerned? Ax, I'm way past that. I'm terrified for him."Tears pricked at my eyes, threatening to form. I looked to the trees, waiting for the rush of emotion to steady. I knew I looked unstable. I felt unstable. But I couldn't let Ax see it. When we were going to blow up the Yeerk pool, it was reassuring to see that Ax still cared for me. I knew everyone did. But caring was different than trust. And I was still short on the latter in everyone's eyes, it seemed.
"I am worried as well." Ax paused. "I do not envy Prince Jake's position."
"It's too much," I agreed. "He's... there's too many things coming at him. I don't know when... when it'll just. You know." I bit my lip. "When he won't be able to carry it."
Ax stared at me, unblinking. His human morph was still so strange to me. Attractive, but in an off-putting way. The morph was a combination of all our DNA so I would see features of each of us depending on the lighting, the angle, the situation. Today I saw more Jake in his features than before. The Jake I remembered. The Jake that I knew wasn't going to totally come back, no matter how much he and I pretended.
"I have occasionally pondered what I would do in Prince Jake's place. If it were Elfangor that was across from me in this war." He glanced at Chapman. "My imagination is not been keen enough to find a satisfactory conclusion."
This was the first extended conversation I've had with Ax, since our disagreement over the morphing cube. "Then what have you concluded?"
He shifted his gaze towards me. The way he tilted his head, the methodical turn when there were too many thoughts being held in... in it, I saw Jake's mannerisms.
Ax had acquired Jake, long ago. Back when Jake was infested and we were starving the Yeerk out, Ax had stepped in at Jake's house to throw off suspicion. So Ax could become Jake, if he really wanted.
If I really wanted.
I shivered.
"I concluded that mercy may be impossible, no matter how I wish for it. Because the Yeerks cannot be reasoned with. Not the ones that still stand against us."
"You'd abandon trying to save your brother? Saving Elfangor?"
"If I cannot save his life... then what I would do is a kind of mercy. Freedom, in one form or another."
"No." I shook my head. "Without life, there's no hope. If you throw away that option, then that's the position you start seeing all the strategies from. You factor it out because it's the convenient thing to do."
"Did you see life for Prince Jake's brother when you gave him the morphing cube?"
I almost cried, then and there. "I thought we were past this, Ax." Poking. Everyone was still poking at what I had done. Ax approached me and laid a comforting hand on my shoulder.
"I did not mean that as an offense, Cassie. I merely want to understand. Did you see life in your strategy?"
"I... I saw life for the Yeerk." I lowered my head. "The ones you say can't be reasoned with. I think we couldn't reason with them because we didn't give them... we didn't give them evidence we wanted to." A burning sob raced through my chest, to my lips. "I thought if people saw a path to peace, to co-existence, that they'd take it."
"Some will never accept that path."
"I know that. God, I know that. But can't we... can't we still hope?"
Ax took me into his arms. I fell into his chest, exhausted. Drained. I pressed my nose into his neck.
"Cassie. What you did with the morphing cube. I don't know if I could have done the same thing, in your situation. Yet after much reflecting, I agree with what you did."
I sniffled. "Thanks, Ax. Really."
"Yes."
He held onto me. I didn't move, my arms limp. I closed my eyes. I was tired. Tired of maintaining composure. If it was Jake in front of me now...
I pulled back reluctantly, fumbling for Ax's hands. I squeezed them tight. It was Ax, I reminded myself. Not Jake. I made a small smile.
"I'm scared for Jake, Ax. I really am. But I still trust his judgment. You know why? Because he put us together to get Chapman. You and me. He saw past the disagreements you and I had. I'd like to think he knew we'd talk things out, put it in the open like this. That we'd... we'd..."
Ax stared at me. With Jake's eyes. Jake. Jake.
Jake.
I leaned in. Ax stiffened, but didn't pull away when I kissed him. It was not like the kisses I gave Jake. But it wasn't completely different, either.
Ax was wide-eyed when I pulled away. The way my heart was pounding, I doubted I looked any calmer. Yet what I had done didn't feel wrong. Not in this moment.
"Am I your first kiss, Ax?" I whispered.
Ax cleared his throat, embarrassed. "No."
"Oh. I- actually, that's funny." I smiled for the first time in... I couldn't remember when. "Estrid?"
"Yes."
I squeezed Ax's hands again. For a long moment we just looked at each other. I couldn't imagine what was going through Ax's mind. My own was, surprisingly, clear. I didn't regret what I did, even though I didn't fully understand why I had done it.
"Back then... you comforted me, Cassie. You were the only one that saw." He stroked my cheek with the tangle of our linked hands, delicate. "This time, I see you Cassie."
"Do you?" I asked quietly.
"There's so much pain. For all of us."
"Yeah." It came out as a squeaky sob, barely contained. "Yeah. It really..." I nuzzled the crook of his collarbone, breathing out the coil of tightness that had been gripping my chest. Our hands were pressed between each other's hearts, a comfortable weight. "Yeah," I repeated, stupidly.
"We will fight bravely. As we always have." He paused for a beat. I knew he was thinking of the Andalite fleet. The ones that, for all intents and purposes, left us to win the war on our own.
"We won't lose anyone."
"No. We won't."Another pause. Then: "Woahn. Tuh. Tuh. Won't."
I was so surprised that I couldn't help but pull back, laughing. Ax was smiling. That's how I knew, to my core, that things were mended between us: that the smile had come to him, all human instinct.
"I have not been able to enjoy being in human morph lately. I would like very much to play with mouth sounds again. And taste. That would be pleasurable."
"We'll make sure of it. Let's make it a date. On me." I released Ax's hands. " Jake doesn't have to know."
"I would not mind Prince Jake's presence."
"That's not what a date's really about, Ax."
Ax nodded, understanding but not understanding. It was okay that he didn't.
I morphed back to Minneapolis Max. I thought of stupid things, the fun times we had. Before we had gotten to this point where even the tiniest bits of innocence could barely be salvaged. The dumb adventures, when everything didn't matter but still did. When we were young and fierce and whole. I remembered them all.
I was glad that someone else did too.
Ax loaded Chapman onto my back. When he demorphed to Andalite we locked gazes.
I would remember this moment, too.
(Let's run. I want to run.)
(After you.)
Our hooves thundered.
-End-