Disclaimer: Song – not mine. Characters – not mine. Setting – not mine. Harry Potter in general – not mine. Don't own much, do I? Ah well, it's probably better that way.
Warning: SLASH! Male/male pairing! Don't like = don't read + don't complain (it's just like maths! D: ).
A/N: This is something I've had sitting on my computer for years now, so while I'm not happy with it, I figured posting it would be better than leaving it to gather more dust. Constructive criticism would, of course, be greatly appreciated.
Your Star
I can't see your star
I can't see your star
Though I patiently waited, bedside, for the death of today
It was cold on the roof, Remus discovered. The wind, especially, was chilly, yet Remus didn't care. He didn't seem to care about much anymore.
What he did care about, however, was finding Sirius' star. It gave him comfort when he was most in need of it. Like now. But no matter how hard he searched the night sky, he couldn't find it.
I can't see your star
The mechanical lights of Lisbon frightened it away
Remus laughed lightly to himself as he remembered what Sirius had always said when they couldn't find it.
'The muggle lights have chased off the special power of the Sirius Star!" he would proclaim, as if it truly meant something. Remus had always considered it an amusing load of rubbish, though he could see Sirius' point now, as he stared across at the light pollution coming from the muggle cities.
And I'm alone now
Me and all I stood for
We're wandering now
All in parts and pieces
He sighed. He'd been trying to forget Sirius, and the loneliness he now felt. Though he supposed he'd been pretty stupid, therefore, to come up here – a place he normally only went when with Sirius.
Remus knew his mind was wandering, and that he should be trying to organise his thoughts. Yet, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't focus on what he wanted to. Namely, his little problem. His little problem of avoiding anyone and everyone as much as possible, and staying as far away from Si… a certain person as he could. He just couldn't work out why he was avoiding that person. And why he felt so lonely.
Poor, stupid Remus. Supposedly the brightest student of his year, as well.
Swim lonely
Find your own way out
Sure, it was cold. Sirius could handle that no problem. It didn't bother him that he was slowly turning blue in the freezing water of the lake. In fact, he barely noticed. He was just trying to work his way around his little predicament. In fact, it was the same little predicament that Remus was in, not that Sirius knew it. And Sirius, being Sirius, already knew the answer to Remus' problem. Sirius' problem was that he didn't know what to do about it.
I can't see your star
I can't see your star
How can the darkness feel so wrong?
Sirius slowly hauled himself up onto the shore of the lake, so as to think better, and wrapped his robe tightly around him against the chill night air. Looking up at the clouded sky, he wondered once again why there wasn't a Remus star. The boy sure as hell deserved one. Going through transformation month after month was obviously taking it out of him, yet still he got through every day with a smile on his lips. Or used to.
Remus had changed recently. It was if he was avoiding Sirius, which hurt a lot. And he seemed depressed and worried, though why Sirius just couldn't work out.
He sighed. Star gazing in the black of night didn't seem right without Remus there with him. Yet Sirius hadn't asked Remus to join him as he doubted that the other boy would want to in his current state of avoidance.
And I'm alone now
Me and all I stood for
We're wandering now
All in parts and pieces
Swim lonely
Find your own way out
He felt so alone now. He wished things could just go back to the way they were before… before what? He asked himself. Before Remus changed? Or before he had realised he had a crush on his best friend?
It was all so confusing and he just couldn't make sense of it. Perhaps it was his fault Remus was distancing himself? Oh Merlin, what if Remus somehow knew? Sirius was starting to panic before he forced reason back into his head. No, there was no way Remus could know. He hadn't let on in any way, he was sure. It was just him being silly.
Sirius' mind was a mess, so to try and calm himself and organise his thoughts before any further thinking, he slipped back into the glacial water.
So far away
It's growing colder without your love
It was getting colder, Remus noticed. A lot colder. Yet he didn't mind so much; it kept his thoughts under control and prevented his mind from wandering. But was that the kind of cold he had noticed? Or was it something else?
He had grown cold, he knew. By shunning the company offered him by the Gryffindors, he was appearing quite distant. But he didn't want their company. It didn't warm his heart in the way the thought of kissing Siri… doing other things did. Remus didn't want to think about what he had been about to. It didn't seem right.
Suddenly, Remus thought he saw someone in the grounds. Glad of the distraction, he strained his eyes to try and see who it was. They were swimming, it seemed, in the lake. A pretty stupid thing to do, Remus thought, but hell, their problem.
Yet still, his natural curiosity burned within him, and even with his sharp, werewolf-enhanced eyesight he couldn't make out who it was. So to get his mind working (and distract himself, though he'd never admit it), Remus set to thinking through everyone he knew who enjoyed swimming.
Well, that was pretty easy. His first thought was of James, though he was fairly certain that James wouldn't risk his balls in the icy lake. Unless, of course, it was for something serious.
Serious… why did that make him think he was missing something? Of course! Sirius! He always went swimming when he was nervous, or when he was trying to sort out his thoughts. But surely even he wasn't stupid enough to go swimming at this time of night?
Why can't you feel me
Calling your name?
Looking around contemplatively, Sirius thought he could see someone sitting precariously on the roof of the Gryffindor tower. An unexpected feeling of anger flared within him. That was their place. A place where only Remus and he went.
Then he thought more carefully and realised that it quite likely was Remus, as no one else knew of that place. After all, it wasn't their private place for nothing. But what on earth would he be doing up there? They never went alone, only together. Something must be wrong.
Climbing once more onto the bank of the lake, Sirius wondered if he should go up there and join Remus. Then he remembered the way Remus had been acting recently and decided against it, despite how much his heart wanted him to. For once, he would follow his head.
But Sirius couldn't prevent himself from calling to Remus, worried that his best friend (and the love of his life, he added silently to himself) would fall from his hazardous position. He was pretty sure Remus wouldn't be able to hear him, but it was worth a try. Maybe being a werewolf improved his hearing or something as a human?
Sirius laughed at himself for such a stupid thought, but was broken sharply out of his mind's meanderings by the realisation that Remus was, in fact, looking at him. Straight at him. As if he knew that Sirius had called to him. If only he could make out Remus' expression right now, it would be so much easier to work out what he was thinking, Sirius thought despairingly.
Can't break the silence
It's breaking me
The figure, which Remus was sure was Sirius by now, seemed to be yelling to him. Well, more like calling he supposed, but yelling seemed more appropriate for the distance. He couldn't make out what Sirius was saying though, and could barely make out that he was saying anything. Yet somehow he knew Sirius was, and this he found greatly disturbing.
He was starting to hate this silence between the two of them. Not just now, but all the time. The silence that Remus himself had imposed, out of fear, mostly, but also out of confusion.
Because he did fancy Sirius, he realised suddenly. It seemed so wrong but it was true. And he'd been refusing to let himself see this for so long that he'd distanced himself from Sirius and done his best never to talk to him, when really all he wanted to do was kiss Sirius senseless, and much more besides…
The self-imposed separation from Sirius had been wearing on him and now, at this moment of realisation, he was reaching breaking point. But it could all be ok now, couldn't it? Because now that he knew how he felt, he could let Sirius know and everything would be good again.
But what were the chances of Sirius liking Remus the way Remus did Sirius? About a million to one, Remus though sorrowfully. So he was to be stuck like this, in a terrible web of hidden feelings.
All my fears turn to rage
And Remus didn't want that. He didn't want to be pretending anymore. He didn't want for Sirius to never know how he felt. Though he knew he'd never be able to face the embarrassment of rejection by Sirius, and the awkwardness after that. And the pain…
So here was Remus, feeling lost in the depths of angst and anger, and sitting conveniently on a roof of a very tall tower, with a very long drop. What was he to do?
Very carefully, Remus peered over the verge of the tower, to see just how long the drop was. He edged a little closer, and then a little more and a little more, until he could see directly down to the ground beneath the tower. And Merlin, it really was a long drop.
And I'm alone now
Me and all I stood for
We're wandering now
All in parts and pieces
Swim lonely
Find your own way out now.
Sirius stared on in horror as he realised Remus was slowly moving closer to the edge of the tower. He wouldn't really… would he? But he was coming so close and it would all be so easy for him…
Sirius ran. He ran till he was out of breath and could run no longer and still he kept running. He just couldn't let Remus fall. He couldn't! And as he ran he wondered, wondered what it would be like with no Remus, with nothing of such great importance left. It would be lonely, he decided. Very lonely. It was bad enough with Remus avoiding him, but if he died…
But Sirius refused to think anymore on that. His life was leaning perilously close to the brink, and he was terrified it would take the final step over. He had to stop Remus from whatever crazy plan he was concocting. He had to save his love.
Nothing worth fighting for
We're wandering now
All in parts and pieces
Swim lonely
Find your own way out
It would be so easy. Just one more small movement, and he'd be over. Over the edge. Over Sirius. Over his life. For what was the point of it all? How simple it would be. But…
But Sirius was running. Running towards him, towards the castle, the tower. Maybe it shouldn't be so easy? Maybe… Maybe he should take the harder route? Remus sighed. It was all so complicated.
Sirius had disappeared from sight now, likely desperately running up all the many flights of stairs in the castle. Remus supposed he must be frantic with worry by now, hoping against hope that he could save him. And he was right. Less than a minute after he'd thought that, Sirius burst onto the tower, pleading with him not to go over.
Slowly, just as slowly as he'd edged towards the brink, he edged back again, into Sirius' loving embrace. It was going to be all right. Sirius loved him.
Looking up into the cold night sky, Remus smiled. A real, genuine smile. For there, now shining bright in the sky, was Sirius' star.