Hello from the other side
I must have called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home
Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
~Adele „Hello"
40-year-old woman crossed the doorstep of a farmhouse.
It's been a long time since she was there for the last time. Many years ago she lived there with a man she had hoped to spend the rest of her life with. It appears, although, that the fate wasn't in their favour and after many fights, they decided to end their relationship. She got the house as a goodbye present. However, she wasn't going to stay there. She moved out shortly after they broke up, and she never came back. Never, until now.
Slowly, she unbuttons her creamy coat and hands it on a hanger which stood exactly in the same place as once. A quick look at the house was enough for her to tell that nobody was there for a really long time. She wiped a dusty table with her hand and realized that she will spend several days on cleaning. Deep down, she was very happy about that. She needed activities that will allow her to forget about reality.
She put the keys on the table and went to the living room. Everything was exactly as she left it. Heavy curtains were blocking the light from getting into the room. The Sofa was covered with a foil, which was supposed to protect her from destruction and the fireplace was full of picture frames with photographs of two happy people at their twenties. The woman took one photograph and sighed as she remembered the hot August day twenty years ago and a picnic they have in the garden behind the house. She couldn't remember the last time she was as happy as then. She placed the frame at the fireplace but this time she put it upside down so that she wouldn't have to look at this happy people. With sadness, she came to the window to shift the curtains. When she did it. all the dust scuff up into the air. She got a bout of cough, which lasts long until she opened a window to let the fresh air in. She breathed a sigh of relief and went to the kitchen, where she boiled water for tea. Only when she sat beside the table, was she able to think about what had happened.
She never truly loved her husband. He was her friend, but not her love. She wasn't even sure why she had started dating him, much less she had no idea why she agreed to marry him. Sometimes she thought she did it only because of a fear that no one would ever want her again, so when the man who liked her appeared, she decided to catch him like a drowning man catches at a straw. She often regretted the decisions she made and that was the reason they fought. Although they both pretended they were not unhappy at this marriage, there were days when everything went too far and then there were just fights like this one. She could not remember what had caused it this time. In fact, the only thing she remembered was the words that made her grab her purse and coat and run out of the house. In anger, she shouted that she might never have married him. She still could hear his reply in her head.
So maybe you should have married this pretty boy you have carried a torch for when you were young?!
She had no idea he knew. She never told anyone what had happened between them. Even closest friends didn't know why at the age of twenty-one she disappeared for a year and a half from their lives. Of course, many times they asked her this question, but she never wanted to tell, so they stopped asking. She went away from them just as she went away from her husband. She was no longer the same person she was in Hogwarts. She became a loner, separated from her friends, almost completely sever relations with them. She lived with memories that caused her pain. She got up in her office and was absorbed in the work, she filled up the paperwork all day. She almost forgot how it was to have a normal life. Since her son and daughter went to Hogwarts she didn't have anyone for whom she had to pretend to be happy and smiling. Fights were a casual thing for them. It was hard for her to remember the evenings when they fell asleep in peace. Many times they talked about a divorce, but neither of them got to file the papers, even though they both worked at the Ministry of Magic.
The kettle whistle brought her back to the reality. She took out a box of tea she had in her purse. From the cupboard, she took out a cup and washed it. She was grateful that she had been paying the bills for all these years, so she could now access electricity and running water. It was necessary if she wanted to stay here longer.
She made her tea and went to the living room. Placing a cup on a table in front of the sofa, she noticed the flashing light on the phone, which meant her voice mail was overwhelmed with messages. Only one person knew this number, so she was not surprised when she heard his voice. However, after all these years, hearing this velvet voice, made her hands shake. The cup swayed in her hands and fell on the carpet. She cursed quietly and ran to the kitchen for a dishcloth. Wiping off the carpet, she felt she could not stand a minute longer in this house. She opened the door leading to the terrace and ran out.
She circled between the trees, stumbling around occasionally. She did not know where she was going until a little lake appeared. She sat on the edge and threw a stone into the water. She watched the circles appear on the water and wanted to escape. From this place, from this home, from her life. She wanted to start again, with a clean sheet. She wanted to forget that somewhere in London is her real home, where her real husband is waiting for her, with whom she has equally real children. She wanted to shout out of helplessness. She got lost and had no idea how to get back into her life. She didn't know how to stop regretting every day of her miserable existence. She could no longer live and wasn't sure she wanted to. It was like standing water. Idle, passive, unable to develop, to learn new things, to change. She got angry, got up, and came back home. She poured tea into the sink and sat down on the couch. She pressed the Play button and after a while heard his voice again. She checked the date of the message. Two months ago. She didn't believe that after so many years he was still trying to contact her.
''Hello, it's me'' said the voice. ''You know, I was wondering if you would like to meet with me again. I would like to talk to you, heal the old wounds. Muggles says that time is the great healer. But it's not true. Time only makes us used to the pain.
I know you don't hear me. Probably you will never even listen to this message. A few years ago I asked Theodor to check if you still live here. I wasn't able to appear here by myself. I was afraid that I couldn't deal with the pain. Anyway, Theodor said that the house is empty. It didn't stop me, however, from leaving you at least a hundred messages. I used to think that the worst moment would be when I punch out your number and I hear that it doesn't exist anymore. But today I know that much more painful is just listening to the signal. I still have hope that you pick up the phone. Maybe I'm stupid but I just still can't believe it is all over.
Recently I have been around our house. Sorry, your house. Everything came back to me, all memories. I didn't realize how much I miss you. Do you even remember how it was like? When we were young and free? We had the whole world at our feet. I know, that what happened that September's evening moved us away from each other, but haven't you ever thought that despite all of this we could have our chance? That we actually could be happy? Are you happy? Because I want you to be. At least you.''
A moment of silence made her thought that was the end of the message. She couldn't be more wrong. It was just the beginning.
''I would like to apologize for everything I did. I should have been more supportive, you shouldn't go through all of this alone. I will never be able to express how deeply I regret everything that happened. Every day I think about how moron I was that I gave up so easily. I should have fight for us to the end. Today I know how huge mistake I did and that it's too late to change anything.
Theodor told me that you are the wife of this blunderhead. I hope he treats you well. You deserve this. I also got married. I had a wonderful wife, she was a really good person. She died during the birth of our son. We stayed in America for a long time. I was the vice president but I resigned two years ago when my son went to Hogwarts. I could have sent him to any other school, but I wanted him to go there. I found us a house in London and started running my own business. I don't have any contact with my father and I don't regret it. My mother died few years ago, I miss her so much. That was her, who told me not to care about anything and threw everything if I really love you. And if you remember, I did it.
I'm sorry. I'm talking about myself again. It's my thing. We had many arguments about that, remember? Too much had I cared about myself. I want you to know that I tried. I really tried to change. Every day without you made me tried even more. I want you to know that, because maybe one day you will listen to this message, and it will find out that you missed me too. I want you to miss me because it would mean that not all of what we had is lost.''
Another moment of silence made her heart beat faster. She didn't want him to end.
''I don't know what else I could say. This is my last message, so I would like to tell everything I want, but is it possible to express all my feelings in one message? I don't even know if what I am saying makes any sense. I should delete this message and record it again, but I won't because I couldn't stand another wave of pain associated with listening to the call signal.
I would love to see you, touch your delicate skin, stare into your brown eyes, smell the caramel shampoo on your hairs. I am curious if you still use it. Funny, right? I still remember how it smelled. But I think that some things just can't be forgotten. God, if only you knew how much I miss you. Sometimes I'm even embarrassed. You are my weakness, even after all this time.
So much would I like to go back in time, to be twenty again. I would do everything differently, better. You know, I would like to tell you all of this face to face. Not by voice mail, not by phone. I would like to meet you, to ask you for forgiveness. So please, call me, let me know that everything is okay, that I don't have to worry about you. Anyway, you probably don't care about that after all.''
The message came to an end, and she stared out the window. She was sitting on the floor, leaning against the couch with her chin on her legs and gently pushing forward and backward. She did not know what to do with herself. She missed him every day for the past seventeen years. She wanted to come across him by accident, to have a chance to talk to him. She wanted it most in the world. Every day waking up next to her husband, she hoped she would see him. She wanted to feel his soft touch again when he wandered his hands over her body, or when he gave her a kiss. She longed for conversations with him. Maybe he actually talked too much about himself, but she loved him anyway.
Sitting on the carpet in their old house, she felt she would give up everything for being held by him. She wanted to call him right away, meet up, leave her husband and spend the rest of her life with him. But she knew she couldn't. She had to get hold of herself, she could not afford to scatter. Slowly she stood up, massaging the numb calf. She decided to go to a local shop first to make basic shopping and then to think about what she will do.
An hour later she returned home. Except for food products, she bought two bottles of wine. Sitting on the couch and drinking wine, she stared at the phone. She didn't know what to do. On the one hand, she wanted to make a phone call as soon as possible, on the other she knew it would turn her whole world upside down.
After an hour, she sat with a telephone in her hand, waiting for her to have enough courage to dial his number.
She knew where and when they would meet. She planned what she would order and talk about. She even chose clothes and decided what cosmetics she would use to do makeup. She also decided that if no reply was received after the fourth signal, she would never again dial his number.
She took a deep breath, drank the wine, and slowly dialled the number from which he had last called.
After the first beep, she stopped breathing, after another she began to breathe nervously, after the third she wanted to hang up. There was not fourth.
''Hello?'' Asked a velvet voice that she missed so much.
''Hi'' she said.
There was a silence between them. She could hear his rapid breathing. She knew he was there. They were quiet, listening to their breathing.
''Hi'' he said finally. His voice was trembling.
''I listened to your message.''
''Which one?''
''The last one.''
''Oh'' he sighed.
''Yeah.''
''And what?''
''I've called. You wanted me to do it, right?''
He took his time before he responded.
''Of course. I just hadn't expected that it will actually happen.''
''Me too. I didn't know until the last moment.''
''So?''
''You wanted to meet.''
''I know.''
''If you still want to, I will be at The River Café tomorrow. You know where it is?''
''Of course.''
A moment of silence seemed to last forever.
''So… see you tomorrow'' she said and was about to hang up when she heard her name.
''Hermionie!''
''Yes?''
''You have no idea how glad I am that you have called me.''
She knew, he was telling the truth. She could hear that in his voice.
''Goodnight… Draco.''
She hung up and drank the rest of the wine, which has left.
She decided to spend the night on the couch. She didn't want to go upstairs. She didn't want to sleep in a bed, where once they slept together. She wasn't ready for it. She fell asleep with a bottle of wine in her hand.
She was woken up by the ring of her phone. She opened her eyes lazily, wondering where she dropped her purse. Ringtone clues her for the right track and after a moment she was holding her phone.
''Hello'' she said coldly.
''Hermionie, for God's sake, where are you? Ron worries about you.''
''Ron or you?'' She asked the man, that once was her best friend. Now, they shared a much more casual relationship.
''Well…''
''Exactly'' she sighed, sitting down on the couch.
''Hermione, it can't be like that.''
''And you are saying this to me? He started this, Harry. He didn't even know what he wanted.''
''What happened to you two? You used to be so happy.''
''We were never happy. We just pretended to be. In front of you, our parents, children. In front of everyone. The perfect marriage. That is how they called us, right? You know, I have never met a couple who would be more imperfect than us.''
''Is there any way I can help?''
''No, Harry. Nobody can help us.''
She heard a deep sigh.
''Where are you?''
''In… a hotel'' she lied.
''Do you want me to come with an arm which you can cry on?''
''No, it is really nice of you, but I can handle this on my own.''
''Fine'' he agreed even if he doesn't want to leave her with this herself.
''If he asks, tell him I'll be back in the evening.''
''I promise.''
''Thank you'' she said and hung up. She didn't want to talk to anyone.
She looked at the display to check the time and saw she had several missed calls. None was from Ron. She sighed and threw the phone on the couch. From the car, she brought a towel and clothes for a change. She was grateful to Merlin for not being able to take her luggage out of the trunk after a training she had yesterday. She had always clothes for a change, just in case.
She took a shower, put on a cream dress, a black belt, and a navy blue jacket, then closed the house and got in her yellow Bug. She could afford every car she would have dreamed of, but she preferred her little Bug, which had more value for her than some cars straight from the car dealer. Ron often encouraged her to change it, but she always refused. This yellow Bug reminded her of better times, she couldn't just abandon it.
The road to London passed her under the sign of thinking about the coming meeting. She hoped she wouldn't find any unpleasant surprises. She didn't want to answer the embarrassing questions, but was it possible if this whole meeting was embarrassing? What should they talk about? About weather? Quidditch? Or maybe about politics? She wondered why she had called him at all.
The cafe she chose was in the city centre. It was a lovely cafe with blue walls and sunny curtains. It was like home.
Hermione took a table by the window, ordered a green tea and a breakfast and stared at the skyline of London, waiting for Draco.
When her order appeared, he was still not there. She took a sip of tea and came back to look out the window.
''Hi'' his voice brought her back to the living. She looked at him and held her breath. So beautiful has he grown old.
''Hello'' she said, as he sat across from her.
None of them knew what to say. They sat in silence, staring at each other.
''You should eat'' he said finally. ''Cold are no longer so good.'' He pointed to an egg on her plate.
''Right'' she whispered but her desire to eat had passed. Instead of this she drank her tea.
''You still drink this grunch?'' He asked, trying to start a conversation.
''This is not a grunch. You should also start to drink it.''
''Maybe if I ever rain on my head and lose my mind'' He smiled mockingly, as he did when he was younger.
Hermione didn't manage to bite back, as a waitress appeared to their table.
''Something for you, Sir?'' She asked.
''Coffee'' he said, looking at Hermione. ''Black, no sugar.''
''Is that all?''
''Yes.''
''You still drink this grunch?'' She asked when they were alone.
''You know, some things don't change'' he said and laughed gently.
''You are exactly the same as twenty years ago'' she sighed.
''But you're much more beautiful'' he said, smiling at her.
''Are you picking me up?''
''I ascertain a fact.''
''If I remember correctly you wanted to meet, to tell me something'' she reminded him.
''Oh, yes'' he sighed. It was a difficult subject for him. Expressing feelings never been his strength. ''I wanted to say that I'm sorry for everything that happened between us. I was stupid.''
''And irresponsible'' she added.
''Well, nobody's perfect'' he said gravely, and she laughed, hearing a quote from her favourite film "Some like it hot.". ''Besides, neither have you been a saint. You had this obsession with perfection, remember? Perfectly folded shirts, perfectly wiped dust, perfectly filed shoes. I was sick of this perfection all around me.''
''Well, nobody's perfect.'' She smiled, repeating his words.
''Right'' he admitted. ''But still, I loved you. I loved everything about you, even what I hated about you. What happened to us, just overwhelmed me. I was too young, unprepared for something like that. It broke me. I wanted to meet you, ask you for forgiveness. I need to know if you forgive me, because hurting you was the biggest mistake of my life, and it still kills me, destroys from within. We were supposed to have a happy life, and yet ... I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being such a jerk, just like my father was. I'm sorry that I hadn't supported you when you needed me the most.''
While he was saying this, all the time he was staring at the silver letter N which was hanging from her bracelet.
''How old would she be today?'' He asked, and she immediately understood what he meant.
''She would be graduating Hogwarts this year.''
''Time is so cruel.''
''You think about her sometimes?'' She asked curiously.
''Every time I look at my son. And you?''
''Every day. Not a day goes by that I don't think about what we have lost'' she said and took a sip of tea to hide the tears coming to her eyes.
''Do you think that if we hadn't lost her, we would still be together?''
''Surely we would have found some other reasons to fight. We never missed any.''
''That's true.'' He smiled wryly. ''I never thought I gonna miss them.''
''Yeah, me too.''
''We can always go back to them.''
''What do you mean?''
''Are you happy?''
''Excuse me?''
''Are you happy? With Weasley.''
''Oh, I ... I like my life. I have a beautiful home, wonderful children, a job that I love. I have a really good life.''
''You didn't answer my question.''
''I ...'' For a moment she wanted to tell him the truth. Tell him how unhappy she is in the marriage with Ron, how much she regrets the decisions she took and how much she would like to be with him. And yet, she decided to lie. ''Yes.''
''I understand.'' He shook his head. She knew that he was well aware of her lies. ''But if you wasn't, remember that you can call me anytime. I can't promise that I will be able to help you, but I'll listen to you, and if you want, come and hug you. You are very important to me, Hermione. Despite the passage of so many years, I would like to spend the rest of my life with you. Just call, and we'll figure it out.''
''What about my children?''
''What about them?''
''I won't leave them with Ron.''
''You won't have to. They will be with you.''
''Where do you get that confidence?''
''Because I know the best lawyer in town.''
''You're impossible, you know?'' She laughed.
''You had been often telling me this.'' He grinned in a snow-white smile.
''What a pity that I will never have to use the services of your lawyer'' she sighed with fake disappointment in his voice.
''You never know what the future holds, right?''
''You still have hope, that I will leave him.''
''Why else would you be here? You came to our house, you listened my messages, you called me, and now we sit here like in the good old days. I think I have a pretty good chance that you walk away from him.''
''It's a false hope'' she said irritated by the truth, which flowed from his words. ''And as for my being here, it's probably just the time for me to came out'' she said, putting money on the table. ''Goodbye, Draco.''
''Hermione, wait!'' He shouted after her, but she had already gone out, heading to her Bug. Before he could run after her, she left the parking lot.
He could find her without any problem. He could teleport to their home and wait there for her. He could do it but decided to give her a free hand. He knew that if she wanted, she would call him. So he went back inside and finished his meal while waiting for the phone.
Hermione rode the highway, swearing in the spirit that she left. He upset her, but she knew she reacted too nervously. She wanted to go back, but she knew it was pointless. She missed him so much, and she ruined everything by her explosive character. But she knew one thing: he still loved her, and she still felt something for him. She knew that she really risked everything she had, but she decided to fight for her happiness. At the nearest turn, she drove back to London. But she didn't intend to return to the restaurant. She was sure that Draco wasn't there at this time.
She was going to the Ministry of Magic. She had a friend there, Laura, who was a specialist in divorces. She never thought she would come to her and ask for divorce papers, but she knew she would not last a minute longer in this marriage. When Hermione appeared at her office, Laura didn't ask about anything. She didn't have to. She knew perfectly well how much her friend was unhappy. Hermione grabbed the papers, thanked and left, and then went to their home on the outskirts of London.
When she crossed the threshold of the house, she smelled of the scorched pan. "Well," she thought. "Ron tried again to fry the scrambled eggs." She sighed and headed to the bedroom. She waved her wand into her wardrobe and within seconds her clothes began to pack into suitcases. She in the meantime went down to write a short note to her husband.
She didn't write a lot. She explained to him why she was leaving, wrote that she left him divorce papers to sign and that she did not want anything. She also insisted that she demanded full childcare. She also apologized that she wasn't honest with him about her feelings. She wished him the happiness he never had with her. She signed up, and after that, for the last time she went through the house, she lived in during the last fifteen years.
She smiled at the strokes on the doorway leading to the kitchen. She pointed out the growth of her children there. Pink Rose, Blue Hugo. As she passed by the wall on which the pictures hung, her eyes sparkled with tears. Maybe she never loved her life, but she knew that after all, it wasn't so bad. She took one of the pictures of her and her children and put it in her purse, then went into the bedroom and waved her wand on her suitcase, transporting it to her home in the country. For the last time, she went down the stairs, then closed the door, as if leaving her old life behind. She hid her key under the mat and got into the car.
Two tears fell on her cheeks. She whipped the tears away, and then she went ahead, not once looking back.
When she returned home, she saw another message waiting for her. She pressed the Play button and listened to what Draco had to say to her.
''Again, I acted like an asshole, I'm sorry. I have always been telling too much, remember? Often you had to admonish me. Damn, Hermione, you don't even know how I regret that it all ends like that. Nevertheless, thank you, for meeting me, it meant a lot to me. I hope you're really happy. You have to know that I will always love you. I think it's goodbye, but I hope it's not. Again, I'm talking nonsense. Anyway, I love you, Hermione. Remember that. Remember us.''
The message came to an end, and she smiled.
''I remember Draco. Always remember'' she whispered, then she picked up the glass of the wine and carried it to the kitchen.
From the cupboard, she took out a small bucket to which she poured water. She realized she had no liquid cleaner. Nothing to wash the windows or wipe the dust. So she took her purse and went shopping again. This time much bigger, and when she came back, she began vacuuming, took off the curtains and did the laundry.
It took her a week to clean the whole house. But when she did, it was a different place than when she came back here after so many years. Clean, clear and cosy. In the evening, she sat down, burning a fire in the fireplace and looking back to the past. Sometimes she looked at her cell phone, but she didn't receive any messages from Ron. She didn't know whether he signed the papers or what was going on with him. She didn't care.
One evening, holding a photo frame, on which they sat on the blanket in the orchard behind the house, he was smiling, she thoughtfully, holding her hand on her seven-month-old stomach, she dialled a number she had already memorized, and when after the third tone she heard the soft breath, she didn't wait a moment.
''Hello, it's me'' she said, smiling gently. ''I was wondering… Maybe you would like to meet and start all over again?''