The house is empty.
Not a thing rustles as I walk through the abandoned hallways. There maybe daylight outside,
but it doesn't shine through the curtains. Never again will it in my eyes.
I watch as a rat scurries across the floor to another one of it's many holes throughout the house.
At one time, it would have made my blood boil to see such a filthy thing in this house. Now it only worsens my already depressing mood.
Finally I reach my destination. The door is closed, and the little copper knob is severally rusted. I grab to turn it only for it to break off in my hand.
My shoulders sag as I realize just how long its been since I've last been here.
I have been holding all this anger at him for too long, I suppose.
Gently, I push the door and it slides over with a loud creaking moan. Ever so carefully, I step over the threshold and eye the room with caution, as if in fear of a ghost. Which there very well might be.
The smell of the place suddenly overwhelms me, and I have to cover my mouth and nose in thought that I may lose what little food I allowed myself to eat earlier.
My eyes start to water. Yes, this was most defiantly that room. The smell of ash and gasoline is all I need to know this is the room where my life had ended.
Well, in its most important aspects.
And, really, that in itself is too ironic. For this room just happened to be the play room, or as he called it, the nursery. The old toys lay about everywhere.
Their burnt remains stain their once perfect image in my mind.
But that image was false anyway.
Their perfection was lost a long time ago, before everything had changed. I pick one up that still seems somewhat intact, if a little dirty.
It is a stuffed, plush tomato. It has a sewn in face that he had made. It's smile seems to mock my very existence.
...and maybe it was right. Maybe I shouldn't be here. Maybe I should just leave this place in the hope that...heh...I wonder what he would think about that...
I go over to the window on the far wall and lean my back on it. As time passes, my knees give, making me sit down.
Knees bent in front of me, daylight behind me, and the past mocking me while I hold it in my stern grasp. This is how I will stay.
No one will even give a damn if I just drop off the face of the earth. The only ones...are already dead...
The next morning I wake up with the sunshine in my eyes. Somehow, I ended up on a couch somewhere that isn't where I was. My eyebrows scrunch together, and I quickly sit up, questioning everything around me.
"Are you awake now, Lovi?" Suddenly, I see Feliciano's head pop around the corner that leads to the kitchen. Oh, I am at Feli's place, again.
"Yeah, bastard, now come over here before I knock you senseless,"
His face perks up, and he strides over to the couch. I notice he has something behind his back. "And what is that you're failing at hiding?"
"He stands there awkwardly for a moment before he holds out the tomato from earlier. I grab at it instantly, and marvel at how clean it is. It almost looked perfect again...
"Well, you see, when me and Ludwig went to find you, you were in that room, and you were holding it so~ tightly, ve. I figured it means a lot, so I washed it! That was good of me, right?" he asks as he plops down next to me.
"Feliciano..."
"Hm?"
"Grazie," And with that, I did something so rare, I don't remember ever doing it before.
I hugged my brother.
And not just a hug, I mean it was a tear-jerking-body-swaying-hand-patting, bear hug.
It caught him completely off guard, but he quickly got in pace with me. Calmly, he held me further away and looked into my eyes from a far. He gave me a sad smile, and pulled me to lay my head on his chest. By now, I had forfeited all my pride, and just stayed as my younger brother made us more comfortable on the couch.
Still, even now, my tears keep coming. I just can't stop. But, Feli stroked my head and whispered to me in both English and Italian.
"So, how are we?" the German bastard asks carefully from the same corner Feli came from.
"I think..we're calming down...?" Feli looks down at my face as I give a slight nod. Rubbing my eyes, I sit up away from my brother. Instantly, I miss his warmth. A blush spreads as I think about how vulnerable I must look.
Feli claps his hands happily, and stands up. He spins, and offers me a hand. "Come on, we made a lot of pasta for when you got up, ve!" I look over at Germany, who offers a shy smile. Reluctantly, I took Feliciano's hand, and he drags me to the kitchen.
The smell of freshly cooked pasta streams from here. This very well could have been Italian heaven, minus the giant German awkwardly trying to clean up whatever mess had been made in the process. I look over to the table to find three dishes laid out on the table.
"Eat all you want, ve!" I grab the plate from him and spoon some of the closest noodles. I give a quick glance at Feli, who is staring at me intently. I spoon another scoop for good measure and pick a fork up off the table.
"I think I'll just go eat in my room..." I say quietly as I leave the room. Even though I can tell he wanted to eat with me, I just can't take being with them anymore.
It's just all too much...
On my way to my room, I pass the couch.
I dip down to retrieve the doll I had left earlier, and continue on my way.
I wasn't about to leave the only real thing left from him sit on the couch like some listless item that had no meaning behind it.
It has plenty of meaning, all the meaning in the world.
I sit down on the side of the bed. Putting the plate on the side table, I lay back on the bed.
I raise the toy up in the air to examine its face even more. The smile, the red plushness, even the tiny twinkle he had sewn on, all of it, just made me want to give up.
I feel just the way I felt when I was first told the place had burnt down. Sad, desperate, overwhelmed, but most of all, empty. Nothing to fill in that gap, just the hole where my entire life had been.
...The only one who could make me smile...
Why? Even now, so long after the fact, I still want to know.
"...quiero...quiero...quiero...quiero...Tu quiero...Oh, Antonio. ¿Dónde estás ahora?"
The doll seems not want to give me an answer. My eyebrows burrow together, and I can feel tears start to prick on the sides of my eyes.
I throw it at the far wall with all the might I have. It clatters to the floor harmlessly.
Endlessly, my tears come back with full force. This frustration is overtaking me. I don't understand. I feel like I will never understand.
Eyes still spilling out all my hurt, I eye the toy. Guilty, I go to pick it up again. I shouldn't have done that to something so...
My thoughts falter as I notice a latch hooked on the underside of the tomato's cap. I never knew it could be taken off.
Curious, I unlatch it. Inside I find a silky chamber with a folded up paper stuffed inside.
My heart starts to race as I tug the paper out.
Smoothing out the paper, I skim it to only note it was all in Spanish, great. I dash out of my room in favor for the living room where the computer is.
"Fratello? What is-"
"Shush, Feli! I found something!"
"Wha-?" He quickly joins me, as so does the German bastard next to him. We all huddle together as we go to Google for a rough translation.
"You know this isn't very accurate, right?" The stick-up-his asks.
"Either shut up, or fuck off. Your choice,"
"Lovi!"
"Shush!" I punch the keys in violently, in desperate hope for something. Anything, more than what I have now.
I slam down on the enter key, and a small paragraph jumps into the answer side.
"dear Lovi,
So, you figured out the latch? Good boy! I needed to tell you something important.
I think you've noticed that there are some people that don't like me. Don't blame them, they have every right not to...You.
You have grown up so much. You've been with me for so long, and you don't know how happy that makes me! I'm just a worried old man, but what will happen to you if I leave? It's not something I'd know if I'm gone, and it troubles me.
You may show bravery, but you're softer than that.
Lovi, promise me something. Promise me you'll smile. Please. All you need to do is smile. I can't bare thinking you'll completely drive yourself down...But if there comes that time that I may leave you, smile. For I will see you again, my dear. Heaven is open to all. Smile, Lovi. We will get to see each other again, shortly.
with all the love in the world,
Antonio Fernández-Carriedo"
More tears. Always with these fucking tears...But is that what he wanted? No? Heaven...is such a simple answer. I wonder if he is there. How is Heaven? Are there tomatoes there? Has he seen me like this? Is that why I found this? Who would know? God? God would know.
I lift my head to look up, as if to the ceiling, but, truthfully, I was more so looking for Heaven. Carefully, I try to streach a wide smile across my lips. It hurts. After all the tears and the hurt, it pains my heart and body to smile. But I do it anyway.
The promise to see Antonio will hold...and if not?
That son of a bitch is going to pay for all of it, one way or another.