A/N: I am so, so, soo sorry to everyone waiting for me to come back! I promise, I will be coming back to update stories, and I have a few new ideas. But for now, because my life is so busy, I offer this one-shot as a peace offering.
We both liked him. She because it seemed to her that she was the only girl in the world that could put up with him. I knew she was wrong, and so did Starfire. I liked him because deep down within, I could relate to him. I knew more about him then she could ever hope to. But the problem was, he liked both of us. So, we acknowledged that both of us liked him, but only one of us could have him. We were friends, close friends, even, and the only people that knew who we liked were Starfire, her, and myself. But I could never feel, give him what he needed. She could. So I would do everything in my power to make sure that he was happy with her. Friends were more important to me than happiness. Their happiness was my happiness.
I wanted her to be happy, something I could never have as long as my father existed in some way, shape, or form. So, I took it upon myself to seek him out and get him to like her more. The next day after I had conceived the idea, after we had all eaten lunch, there was a call to a mission. On the way out of the tower, I caught up to him.
"Beast Boy! Listen, I need to talk to you later. This is really important." He grinned like a Cheshire cat, and, as I turned around, I was positive I heard him utter a loud "Woo!" After a moment of consideration, I was almost positive that he thought I was going to ask him out.
It was an easy mission, just a couple a bank robbers (who was dumb enough to try to rob a bank in the middle of the day in Jump City with only a pocket knife?). When we got back, it only took a couple of minutes before Beast Boy came up behind me.
"Hey Rae, what's up?" I sat down on the sofa after making sure that no one else was coming.
I took a deep breath. "I have a favor to ask of you." He looked at me questioningly.
"A favor?"
"If you'd let me finish…" He piped down and looked on intently. I studied him. Over the years I had been with him and the rest of the team, he had gotten so much taller. His fingers were longer and much more slender. His hair was longer, almost sweeping over his eyes. His build was very lean, but muscular from all of the training that we do. I looked away, embarrassed. I pulled my knees up to my chest and looked out the windows that overlooked the city. "Well, you see, I have this friend who really likes you…"
"It's not Star, is it?" He looked almost panicked. I allowed myself a small chuckle, and he smiled at me.
"No, its not. I just want you to hang out with her more, and talk to her a lot more."
"Wait, who is it? Is it someone here, in the tower?" I glanced over at him.
"You really are an idiot, you know that?" He laughed, and I smiled.
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Don't rub it in."
"It's Terra." I could feel his eyes on me, so I continued. "She… she really likes you. I just… I just want you to be around her more, you know? Be with her, near her. Ask her out." This was probably the most emotional I was ever going to get with anyone, even though I still retained my quiet monotone.
I could feel him fighting with himself now. He shifted and looked at me again. I remained staring out of the window, looking on into the darkening sky.
"You really want me to be with her?" I looked over into his eyes. In this lighting, they looked almost like clear cerulean blue, the way he described how they used to be. I nodded.
"As long as you like her, and if she lets you-"
"Wait, did she ask you to do this?"
"No, I'm acting myself." He nodded, and we were both looking out the window.
"Who do you like?" The question came at me so suddenly; I was startled into silence for a moment. I managed to answer with only traces of my emotions showing.
"Why does it matter?" So he shrugged it off, not wanting to get on my bad side.
The next day, he found me again.
"Hey Rae!"
"What Beast Boy?" He cringed at my tone of voice.
"Well, I talked to Terra last night… She doesn't want to go out with me. She doesn't want it to get out that there's a relationship within the team. So, I'm trying to convince her that we can keep it within just the six of us, and out of the media."
"My only question is why does this concern me?" This put him off for a second.
"Well, I just wanted you to know." As he looked at me, I was glad for my hood. His answer left me so shocked that I was positive that my mouth was gaping right now. I shook off my stupor and quietly replied,
"That's odd. I know for a fact that she likes you. Either she's just being hard to get, or maybe she just honestly doesn't like you that way any more." He looked rather saddened by the latter, so I offered up a professional opinion. "Though I'm almost positive that she's just playing hard to get." He lightened up, and I bit back a small smile. "Keep trying. I'm sure you'll get through to her eventually."
For some time after that, I spent a lot of time with Beast Boy, and we talked a lot. Mostly about different ways to get him and Terra together (most of them bogus, just for fun ideas), and other times just random things like about favorite things to do, or what we'd be if we weren't Titans, and what everyone else would be too. We decided that he'd be an actor, Starfire would be a super-model, Terra would be his actress wife, Cyborg would be a mechanic, Robin would still end up as a super hero any ways, and I'd still be an evil half demon whose father was intent on killing all of the mortals on Earth. Slowly but surely, I felt my feelings for him growing more and more each day.
"Raven, can I talk to you for a second?" Was the question that shocked me the most during this time period. I turned around to face my leader, Robin.
"Sure, what's on your mind, Boy Wonder?" He smirked at his nickname, but got serious once again.
"I was just wondering what's going on between you and Beast Boy. You seem to shine like the sun whenever he walks the room, and you spend an awful lot of time with him." I frowned at him.
"Why would it concern you?" He had already prepared his attack, and was expecting this rout of escape.
"I believe that as your team leader that I have a right to be aware of almost everything that goes on in this tower. I would appreciate it if you would just give me a little answer so that I can rest easier." I knew this wasn't his real reason, but I gave any way.
"I'm trying to get him and Terra together." He looked at me with that knowing look of his, and even though I couldn't see his eyes, I knew he was scrutinizing every detail and every twitch of my features for some sort of indication as to what I was feeling.
"You like him a lot, don't you, Rae?" I paused before quietly answering.
"Yes. I like him so much it hurts." He nodded in understanding.
"I know how that feels. I know… But, why are you trying to get him with Terra?" He looked at me curiously. I glared at him.
"I can't allow myself to feel. It could harm someone. So, if I get rid of the chance, if I get rid of the cause to feel, then there's less of a chance for me to harm someone."
"Let me offer you a word of advice from a friend, Rae," He looked almost sad saying this. "The feeling doesn't go away. You can try to cover it up with another feeling, you can try to kill it off entirely, but it only gets worse. It just keeps on coming back, when you least expect it. It'll give you so much pain, and it'll be the one thing keeping you up at night. I don't want to see you go through that Rae. I couldn't bear it." And with those confusing words, he left me with my thoughts.
I quickly disregarded it, because what did the Boy Wonder know about not being able to be with someone? He could have any girl in the world if he wanted. And he has Starfire. It seems to me that they like each other a lot. But in the next few days, the bomb was dropped on me.
"Rae! Rae, you won't believe it!" The green changeling came running to me on that accursed day, and the weather seemed to be mocking me, the sun shining brightly and birds chirping. I looked over at him and rolled my eyes at how excited he was; he looked like a small child that just learned about Christmas.
"What is it, Gar?" Over the course of the time we spent together, I had learned his real name, and Raven was my real name.
"Terra finally agreed to go out with me! But just, please, please, don't tell anyone else." And in that instant, my heart broke. Everything inside me shattered, and I wasn't sure how to react. The entire purpose of getting him and Terra together was to make sure that I didn't grow to close to him, to prevent my feelings from getting too strong. I couldn't hear him now, my heart beating loudly in my head. After his mouth stopped moving, I murmured my consent. And we parted ways. I mean, sure, we still saw each other in the tower, but he was always with her, and he never had a moment to spare to talk with me again.
I had become more withdrawn than ever before. No one seemed to notice. The pain was becoming far too much to bear on my own. I was trying to cope in so many different ways. I cried at night at how much it hurt. My heart clenched and sputtered to a stop when I saw him in my dreams, and in my nightmares. Every once in a while, he gave more reason to keep on living, just when I was just about to lose it completely. He might flash a smile every once in a while, or offer a light, "Hey Rae!" But those little chinks were starting to show in my armor. I couldn't smile anymore. My eyes were always red from the tears I shed. My performance in battle was getting worse. I didn't eat anymore. Even my tea couldn't give me respite from this pain. I was always locked up in my room. Alone. Until that day.
That day (or, rather, late a night), there was a small knock on my door.
"Raven, could you open up? Its me, Robin." I looked up from my pillow, into which I had been crying and screaming. I mustered up enough strength to manage a monotone.
"What do you want?" I knew he was expecting that.
"I… I'm worried about you, Rae. I see how much it's affecting you." I was shocked that he knew. And apparently, he was expecting my surprise. "I know everything that goes on in this tower, without spy cameras or bugs. It was just that obvious. Now could you please open up. I find it uncomfortable to talk through doors, where I can't see physical reactions and other people can hear our conversations."
I sighed. "You could open it up yourself if you wanted to." I could feel his smirk.
"But to be in a woman's room without her consent this late a night is unheard of." I mumbled a "Go the f-" but he cut me off.
"Use nice language, Raven. Starfire's room is right down the hall, and I don't want her learning Earthling swear words just yet." And I have to admit, he made me smile just a little bit.
"Whatever."
"I'll take that as a yes." My door swooshed open, and I could hear his metal shoes clinking against my floor. The door swooshed closed. I heard him pause to examine my room, and probably after he decided that it wasn't a possible threat, he came and sat on the edge of my bed. My face was still buried in my pillow.
"Rae, you shouldn't do that." I looked up at his masked face.
"Why not?" He took my pillow and gave me a mock scorn look.
"Because I said so." I made a lunge for my pillow, but he blocked just in time. After a few moments of laughter, he got back into business mode. "Really Rae… I am so worried about you. I've never seen you this… closed up to us. I can help you go through this. Trust me, ask for help, and I'll be there." I looked into his mask.
"Do you promise?" He grinned.
"I promise." And he got serious again. "What's bugging you? What's on your mind?" I sighed and fell back onto my bed, staring at the ceiling.
"How can he be that… dull. It was so obvious. But… I guess I was trying to set him up with my friend…"
"I think he's an idiot for letting you slip out of his grasp. And even if it takes me another hundred years, eventually I knock some sense into his head." I looked at him, surprised yet again by what he said. "He let one of the rarest flowers of the earth wither under his steps, and didn't give it a second thought." Now he sounded angry. But there was a pain in his voice, a sadness that I knew only too well.
"I think we need to talk about what's on your mind, Robin. How do you know so much about how… hard it is not to have the one you love be so blind?" He looked at me, the pain showing on his face.
"Even after all we do, Rae, after how much we try to hide it to the one we love, after spending those nights all alone, crying, after you try to cover it up, it never goes away. Especially when they're just within your grasp, but so far from reach. When they're pining after someone whose not you, when they're oblivious to the fact that you'll never leave their side of your own will. I know because I experience it every day I'm here in the tower, every day since we formed this team. But I don't think that they're ready to love me like I love them. Not yet, not today. But maybe someday, one day in the future, they can see it and realize the fact that I'm still here, that I've been here all along and am still waiting, and I'm not going to stop waiting. Maybe one day." I thought about his words and, when he got up and left my room, when the door closed, I figured it out.
I must have been so blind, so consumed in what I wanted to not have seen it. But he was right, I wasn't ready just yet to love him. Not while my heart still loved Beast Boy and wished that he would come to his senses and come back to me.
~ Two Years Later ~
Terra had betrayed the team not long after she and Beast Boy started secretly dating. We overcame what life threw at us, though Beast Boy never really got over Terra. I know that he still loves her. I still love him, too. Robin had asked me about that. Why I did what I did, why I still do what I do. I smiled sadly and spoke quietly.
"I don't want to be that shoulder to cry on. I don't want to be the emotion that covers up true feelings. I think that one day I'll be over it, over him. I got them together for what seemed justified in its means, but truthfully, I don't think I ever really, really loved him, at least not the way he loved Terra. But I still cared too much, and I still do. I just hope that you don't ever leave me, like the way you promised you wouldn't. One day, I will be ready to move on with my life, and he will be, too. I hope that I can start over, maybe with you. But Starfire still likes you, and it's only natural of her to. And I can see it, you like her, too. So go, be with her. Because in the end, it isn't really about what I want, is it? I will always remain in the shadows, and you and her and Beast Boy and Cyborg belong in the world of the light."
But, surprisingly, all he did was kiss me lightly on the lips and say,
"I belong in the shadows, too. I promise, I'll stay here with you, and go to hell and back to find you. Remember that. I promise."