Yes, I know, I'm working on the "Disfunction" epilogue too, but as soon as I saw this idea, my muse wouldn't shut up about it. So, two writers on Tumblr started the joke idea of Raven going to Robin for advice about sex, to their mutual mortification, and so started one of the most fun writing ventures I've had in some time. Enjoy.

She never initiated the conversation. He had learned that by now. When Robin needed advice, he tended to make the request outright, but Raven would simply join him wherever he was working and sit nearby, her presence making her need apparent, until he would get things rolling. It was an unnecessary conceit at this point, but it was her way.

Late night talks had become something of a tradition for them, if an infrequent and random one. They were both the most likely to be awake and lost in thought at some odd hour, and so their sleepless paths tended to cross. It surprised him how comfortably they had wound up being able to speak about their concerns and insecurities, but they both seemed to know that they could trust the other to respond with seriousness and discretion. And even if the other didn't have an answer, they usually had some perspective or experience to offer.

He barely turned his head as she walked into his work room, the aromas of tea and coffee reaching him before she even set his mug carefully in a blank spot on his desk between the array of newspaper clippings and police reports.

To his surprise, she didn't take a seat somewhere in the room. She instead leaned against a wall as she sipped her tea, standing slightly more distantly than usual. He noted too that, although her hood was down, she held her cloak closed around herself.

Trying not to let his concern show in a frown, he decided to start things off sooner than later. "Thanks, Raven," he said, picking up the coffee.

"You're welcome."

When she didn't continue, he tried again, lifting the mug. "Anything going on?"

"Beast Boy wants to have sex with me."

The coffee snorted into his nose as he choked. Thankfully she hadn't made it searing hot and he hadn't taken a big mouthful, but he knew the paperwork in front of him was now spattered with brown stains. He cleared it from his airways with a couple coughs, waving off her help as he turned to face her. "What, right now?"

"No. He expressed his desire earlier today, though I have felt his intentions for a while."

Robin stared at her, mind whirling with this information. "Do you want me to kick his butt?"

"No! His advances are not…unwelcome."

"Oh. Okay." Robin sat back down a bit more, still coughing slightly. "Uh, congratulations?"

"Thank you, I guess, but that's not why I'm here."

A cold tingling had begun to crawl up Robin's spine. "Then, why are you here?"

Raven set her cup down now, taking a seat on an extra chair nearby, but with a few feet of distance between them. She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees as she folded her hands together. They fidgeted several times around each other as she spoke. "This is…the first time a guy has approached me about such things, at least with any sincerity. Certainly the first time I've considered…reciprocating."

There was a word he would never be able to think of the same way again.

She took a deep breath. "My upbringing on Azarath was…sheltered, to say the least. Although Azar and the monks taught me many things, there were certain topics in which my education was…sorely lacking."

Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god. "Raven, I don't think I'm the person to talk to about this."

"I know. But my options are a bit limited here and you have always been someone I can trust for advice."

"I'm glad, but I really think Starfire would be better able to help you here." He hoped his voice didn't sound as panicked out loud as it did in his head.

Raven grimaced slightly. "She is the obvious choice, but she is so…enthusiastic about everything. While I don't doubt she would be supportive if I expressed my reservations, it is a bit embarrassing to have to express them out loud."

But this isn't embarrassing? "It's called 'girl talk' for a reason, Raven."

"And I need to know more than that. Starfire reads a lot of magazines geared toward 'girl talk' and I think she would…over-complicate things. Besides, I get the impression there are differences between Tamaraneans and humans anyway."

"Still, there are plenty of other girls in the Titans. Like Bumblebee. What do you mean differences in Tamaraneans and humans?" he asked, his brain jumping topics slightly.

"Robin, it's difficult enough for me to talk about this as it is. I really don't want to go outside our family. Besides, I could use a male perspective as well."

He grunted with desperation. "Okay, fine, but why me? You and Cyborg are pretty close."

"Cyborg is Beast Boy's best friend. Anything I say to him, Beast Boy will eventually hear about." Raven lowered her head, eyes closed in shame. "I am sorry to ask this of you, Robin. Believe me, this is an embarrassing subject for me too. That's why I came to you. I can trust you to discuss this intellectually and without making stupid jokes or innuendo."

Robin swallowed hard, wishing he could just say no and forget this exchange ever happened. But if she needed a purely scientific and fact-based conversation, he supposed he could probably make it through that. "All right. But I'm not sure how much I can offer. I never exactly got The Talk either."

That was absolutely true. There was no way Bruce was going to sit down and talk about anything like this with him, even though he certainly had the experience to provide a thorough education. As Robin reached puberty, Alfred started leaving books about the process around the house without a word, but for the most part, Robin figured he would learn most of what he needed to know in the field, as it were.

Raven nodded. "That's all right. I already understand a lot of the female side of things. I know the anatomical structures and their functions. As I must regulate my emotions anyway, I am highly attuned to my own needs and impulses…"

Robin's hands clenched as his mind fogged slightly. This was a mistake. He couldn't contemplate that Raven even had 'needs' beyond food, oxygen, and tea. But he had to stay focused and do his best to get through this with both of their dignity intact.

"My biggest concern is, of course, my powers. Too much emotion and things could get dangerous."

Robin relaxed a little bit. This, at least, was a familiar topic for them. "Well, you've handled times of heightened emotion before. I imagine you should be able to manage as long as you maintain your focus and concentration."

She frowned. "For much of the process, I'm sure I can. But from what I understand, there isn't much conscious control involved once things get most…climactic."

Robin had to change positions, squirming in his chair. His hand reached on the table for something to hold so that he didn't dig his nails into his palms through his gloves, but the first thing it found was his bo staff and there was no way he was introducing that visual into this conversation. He just forced his fingers to twine with each other until he could think of something better.

"Honestly, Raven, I don't think you'll have to worry about that your first time."

She looked up, arching an eyebrow at him. "I won't?"

He almost replied that, from what he understood, the first time was often more painful than pleasurable for girls, but as soon as he saw the vulnerable, nervous look in her eyes, he knew that, facts or not, he couldn't scare her off sex completely. "Uh, it usually takes a while to…figure out what works with your partner. So, it may not be amazing the first time, but it'll get better as you learn…what each other likes," he felt his voice get a bit squeaky as he finished the sentence.

She nodded. "That makes sense. So we both need time to adjust to each other before either of us can get to that point."

"Well, Beast Boy shouldn't have any problems, but yeah," he agreed, trying not to think too deeply.

Her eyes shot up to his, narrowed warningly. "Why won't Beast Boy have problems and I will?"

Robin grimaced. "It wasn't a shot at you, Raven. It's just…guys are simple. It happens really easily for us. It's…more complicated for girls."

"From what I've read, it doesn't sound that difficult to do," she retorted.

Oh god, she had read about that. Robin had to breathe through the slight lightheadedness he felt. "To a guy, it is. Female's systems aren't always…intuitive to a guy."

"Well, if he's confused I can show him how to—"

"That's definitely something you'll have to talk about with him," Robin interrupted, scrubbing a hand across his face before his brain shut down in denial of what he was hearing.

Raven had sat back, brow furrowed and arms folded thoughtfully. "So sex is always good for guys, but not for girls?"

"From what I understand," Robin answered weakly.

She huffed. "Well, that explains a few things. Is that why guys think about sex constantly?"

"It's not constantly!" he protested.

"Empath, remember?" Raven said dryly.

Robin felt his face go hot, mind racing back through anything he had ever thought in her presence. Now he was going to have to be hyperaware of everything he felt when Starfire was around, knowing Raven could pick up on it.

Fortunately, for now she was still on her own train of thought. "Well, I guess once I get past the…anticlimactic stage, I can look forward to being distracted a lot more too."

"What other questions did you have, Raven?" Robin asked, trying to get this over with as soon as possible.

Her demeanor became more nervous again, her legs crossing as she leaned forward. "I do have some concerns about…the physical dynamics of it all."

Kill me now. "Yes?"

"Well, I understand the basic mechanics, what…goes where. However, the books I had were not as specific as I required." A few sparks of dark energy belied her matter-of-fact voice. "I got a clearer sense of the realities when I started looking up visual representations…"

She had looked at porn. Raven had looked at porn. Robin wasn't sure the world would ever function normally again. Rain probably fell upward now.

"…however they raised some…concerns I had not thought of." She looked genuinely frightened now, fingers clenched so tightly her knuckles were white.

"What kind of concerns?" Robin rasped.

She swallowed, staring at her hands. "Well, I had always assumed that since this is a natural process necessary for propagation of the species, everything should be compatible, no matter your partner is. I didn't realize exactly how…diverse males could be. I know the men in those images are not really representative samples, but how…big is average for a guy?"

Robin just stared at her for a long moment as his brain gave up on transmitting messages. "Raven, you can't ask a guy that."

She held up her hands soothingly. "It's all right, Robin. I'm not asking about you personally, and I know men put a certain amount of stock in their size. I'm just asking for a generalization."

There were lines. There had to be a line. "I can't even begin to answer that and even if I knew, I refuse to answer that."

"I'm not going to judge anyone," Raven insisted. "I just need to know what to expect."

Robin stared at her, eyes dead behind his mask. "That's a really personal question. You have a basic idea. Is it a deal-breaker for you if things aren't the right size?"

She looked down again, a muscle twitching in her jaw. "It might be. You have already said sex may not be enjoyable at first. But the men in those images… It is a bit intimidating, as someone who is relatively…petite compared to most people I've met."

A synapse managed to conjure up a flicker of surprise. "You're worried Beast Boy might be too big?"

"It's a reasonable concern. I suspect everything will be all right, since he and I have fairly similar builds. So as long as everything's proportional, we should be able to make it work as long as he doesn't transform into anything larger. I would have greater concerns if I was with Cyborg—"

Robin put his head in his hands. "Raven, I'm trying really hard here, but it's difficult to stay 'intellectual' when you talk about specific people."

"Sorry," she said, sinking a bit into her cloak.

"You're going to be fine, no matter what your partner whose name I can't say is like."

"Are you sure?"

"If you can deliver a baby, you have nothing to worry about there," he said flatly.

"Oh." She frowned, but looked a bit more at ease. "That makes sense. Now, with foreplay, which erogenous zones—"

"Raven, what is this about?"

She paused, confused. "What?"

"All this stuff you're asking me. Is this about needing to feel some sense of control because you're nervous?" he asked, leaning forward as he tried to find his normal, calm attitude again. "Because it's okay. Nobody knows everything going into their first time. I bet Beast Boy's just as nervous as you are. And that's totally normal. You'll figure everything out together. Just stop psyching yourself out trying to know everything in advance, because in the moment, none of your research is going to matter."

Raven fidgeted with her fingers, looking down. "What if I'm not good at it? I have almost no experience with even basic physical contact from friends. I know how much sex occupies men's minds, how strong the drive is for them. If I can't do this, what future is there for our relationship?"

"Hey." Feeling the awkward terror drain away as the situation turned into one he knew how to handle, Robin slid forward to kneel in front of her, putting his hand over her tangled ones. "Give us a little credit, huh? All of these questions, you never asked about our hearts. Sex isn't just a physical thing, not when it's really good. It's two people who love each other expressing that love. Just follow your feelings, be in the moment, and I think everything will come naturally to you.

"But promise me," he added. "If you really feel like you can't do it or you don't like it, be honest with Beast Boy. He loves you. He'd never want to make you uncomfortable. And if sex really is all he cares about, then you deserve to be with someone better who loves you for everything else you have to give. But I really do think Beast Boy loves all of you, not just your physical side."

Raven's mouth quirked up slightly at the corner and one of her hands freed itself to squeeze his in return. "Thank you, Robin. You always know how to help."

"Just never make me talk about this again," he said, gripping her hand with an air of desperation.

She almost laughed. "Promise."

A sense of normality settled back over the room as she gathered their now-cold mugs and headed out to get some sleep. After she left, Robin stared off into space for a while and debated calling the Justice League to see if Martian Manhunter would remove all his memories that this conversation ever happened.