Author's Note: This is a standalone, but it's backstory for Don't Ask, a spinoff to the part where the Commandos ask Steve when he and Bucky got together. There's no need to read Don't Ask in order to understand this one. It's just a fluffy/teen-angsty one-shot.
"Why'd you do it, Buck?" asked Steve, his gut churning. Forget getting in trouble for sneaking out of the orphanage; Bucky was gonna get himself killed one of these days, and there was nothing Steve would be able to do about it. Bad enough that he went out, all the time, that he came home looking smug and sheepish at the same time, that he was out doing all the things with girls that Steve ached to do with him and worked so damn hard not to ever think about. He was gonna get himself beaten up by the wrong protective older brother or jealous boyfriend and Steve wasn't gonna be there to help him and then he'd be gone and the idea made Steve's stomach clench so hard it was like he was gonna be sick.
"What's the matter with you?" He dabbed at Bucky's temple, wiping away the dried blood. No way the Sisters wouldn't see it tomorrow. Bucky was gonna be in detention forever, and they were all gonna be told that they had to be more careful and try to get along with the other neighbourhood boys. "Why go out like this? Can't you just... I dunno, stay home?"
"What would be the fun in that?" Bucky slurred. At least he wasn't feeling the pain as much, but the booze Steve had found to give him was making him woozy.
"What's the fun in this?" Steve asked sharply, then resumed his dabbing. Bucky hissed in pain as Steve swiped at another clot, more roughly than he'd meant to.
"If I gotta explain it to you, Stevie..." Bucky chuckled, leaning back against the bathroom counter.
"Yeah, you do. You don't even know these girls, Bucky. The one you were with tonight, you never even met before last week at the market. Why would you-"
"Hey, I knew she was hot for it. That's all you need to know. Name, age, are her parents around, does she wanna do it."
"Yeah? What's her name, Buck?"
Bucky frowned, confused. "Uh. Sarah?"
"Sally," said Steve, and blotted alcohol onto the cut above Bucky's eye. Bucky pulled away with a yelp. "Sally. She's a person, you know," Steve muttered angrily. "Not just a notch on your bedpost. If you're gonna sin, and get in trouble with the nuns, and get beaten up, why don't you at least do it with someone you like?"
Bucky gazed down at him, his eyes troubled.
"Why go chasing skirts all the time, Bucky?" Steve sighed and shook his head and went back to cleaning the cut, trying to go a little more gently.
"'Cause I can't chase you," Bucky said softly, and Steve froze. He swallowed stared at Bucky, dropping his hand, his stomach doing flips.
Fuck. Fuck. The words hung in the air and Steve felt a shudder pass through him, and Bucky knew, he knew - of course he knew - and then suddenly Steve was furious, so furious he could hardly see. They'd never talked about it, never acknowledged it, but Steve knew there had been times when he'd given himself away, when he'd stared too long or been too needy - and it wasn't even always his fault, it was that he was small and skinny and looked like a pretty little girl, and the other boys called him shameful things and they were more right than they knew - and Bucky knew, he knew, damn it, and he was making fun of Steve. He wasn't even looking at Steve any more, and Steve had the urge to hit him, he was so angry. Bucky was staring at his hands, blood across the knuckles, and Steve's pulse was loud in his ears and his fists clenched as he seriously considered slugging his best friend for the first time in their lives.
"I'm sorry, OK?" whispered Bucky, sounding miserable. "I'm sorry. I know you - I'm sorry, you're probably grossed out now, I didn't mean to-"
"What?"
Bucky clenched his eyes shut. "I know you - you don't - I mean, I know what those punks said about you but you're not, are you, I - I kinda hoped you were but you're not..."
Steve took a step back, his world spinning, and desperately reached for stability. "Bucky, what are you talking about?"
Bucky reached sat down on the nearest bathtub unsteadily and looked up at Steve, his eyes blurry, misery in every line of his body. "I... I don't, sometimes I think you want to - but that's just wishful thinkin', ain't it? You don't. You never will." He swallowed. "I chase girls 'cause I can't have you."
"You..." Steve's voice came out in a whisper and he stared down at his best friend.
Bucky blew out his breath. "You got no call to look like that, like you don't even know what I'm talkin' about, like you can't even - what I wanna do with you, I want-" he drew in a ragged breath.
"You want to? With me?" said Steve slowly, his anger completely gone now.
"Don't, don't-" Bucky shook his head and quickly put out a hand to steady himself on the edge of the bathtub as he wobbled slightly. "Don't tell anybody, OK? Please?"
Steve shook his head. "I won't. I won't tell," he whispered, and Bucky's head snapped up and he stared at Steve, his eyes widening for a moment before he suddenly stood and came closer. Steve gulped and gazed at him, his heart racing, and Bucky wanted him, Bucky had been thinking about him too, Bucky wasn't making fun of him, he was-
Bucky reached out clumsily and touched Steve's face, then stepped closer and dipped his head down, and touched their lips together. Steve's breath left him in a rush and everything narrowed down to the touch of their mouths, Bucky warm and close and smelling of booze and soap and blood, and they were kissing, they were actually kissing - and he knew some of the other boys did this and more together sometimes, for practice, for when they met girls, no matter how many times the nuns warned them all against impurity, but this wasn't like that. This wasn't practice for anything. This was something he'd wanted and dreamed of for so damn long and now it was happening and it felt dreamlike, dizzying, like he was the one who'd downed Jimmy's stolen booze instead of Bucky.
Bucky's fingers were running through his hair and Bucky was pulling them flush together, and Steve's hands came up to Bucky's shoulders, both of them shaking with emotion and adrenaline. Steve's breath was coming in short pants, his chest heaving like he was going to have an asthma attack. God, this couldn't be happening, this couldn't be - he must be dreaming-
This couldn't happen, though. His thoughts were racing as Bucky pulled back slightly, giving him a wondering gaze, his lips parted slightly and his eyes dazed, then came back to his mouth.
"Bucky," Steve murmured between kisses, and caught his breath as Bucky shivered and pressed them closer and oh, shit, Bucky was hard and he was drunk and they were in the bathroom and anyone could come in and they were sinning and Bucky was drunk - "Bucky, God," he let himself indulge in one more kiss before drawing back and putting a hand on Bucky's chest. "Bucky, stop."
"What? Why?" Bucky asked, pushing closer and stealing another kiss, and Steve groaned but went with it helplessly. All those times he'd dreamed of Bucky, all those times he'd longed for him, all the prayers and self-recriminations, all the times he'd thought he'd seen something in Bucky's eyes and told himself not to hope - none of it could have prepared him for this.
He gathered all his strength and pulled away. "Stop," he said firmly, wanting with every fiber of his being to go back to those drugging kisses but grabbing hold of his determination with everything he had instead. Bucky was drunk, and they weren't in private - and even if they were, this wasn't something he should indulge, no matter how exhilerating it felt, no matter how much his heart was singing that Bucky felt the same way that he did-
Bucky was staring at him now, eyes dazed and chest still heaving.
"We can't do this," Steve said, his voice rough, and swallowed hard. God, it felt like he was almost on fire, and his mouth still tingled from Bucky's kisses. "We're in the bathroom and you're drunk." He looked away from Bucky's reddened lips and ran a hand through his hair. "And, and we shouldn't anyway. It's a sin."
Bucky made a rude noise in his throat. "Like I ain't been sinning with every girl in the neighborhood for the last-"
"I haven't," Steve said sharply, and Bucky pressed his lips together, chastened.
Steve took a deep breath. "You - I'm not gonna let you do this. You don't know what you're doing. You're drunk, and-"
"I've wanted to do this for a long time, Stevie," said Bucky softly. "Just too much of a coward to say so. I didn't want you to think I was a pervert, or get mad at me or..." He reached out and gently touched Steve's hair, and Steve forced himself to not lean into the touch. "But you felt the same way, didn't you?" He drew a deep breath and smiled at Steve, and Steve could feel his heart skipping a beat the way it always did when Bucky looked at him like that. Like he was the only person in Bucky's world, like he hung the moon.
Steve cleared his throat. "Buck, we should talk about this. But not right now. Right now we gotta get you cleaned up and in bed before the Sisters find out you were out. They're gonna know you did something tomorrow when they see you but I'll come up with something better than... what actually happened."
Bucky nodded slowly. "But - but we gonna talk tomorrow? Maybe at the park, nobody'll hear. 'Cause I wanna tell you-"
"Don't. Save it till tomorrow."
Bucky nodded, then shook his head and came closer again, pulling Steve to him and burying his face in Steve's hair briefly, breathing in deep. "No. I wanna tell you while 'm feelin' brave," he whispered into Steve's ear, and Steve shivered. "'m in love with you Stevie, been in love with you forever, it ain't like the other boys do with just helping each other out 'cause they can't get girls. You know I can get any girl I want, I - I just want you." He breathed in again, then tipped Steve's chin up and pressed a gentle kiss to Steve's mouth, and Steve was powerless to pull away. "I love you," he murmured, and pulled back.
Steve covered his eyes with a shaking hand, willing himself to not just pull Bucky back into his arms.
"Bucky. We'll talk tomorrow, OK?" he said, and his voice was unsteady. Tomorrow. Tomorrow they'd talk and Bucky would see reason and see that no matter how they felt it didn't make any difference, they shouldn't act on it. They shouldn't do this, they should just ignore the magic of those touches, push away temptation, do their best to not think about it at all - in fact, that's what he should be doing right now instead of putting fingers to his lips and closing his eyes and marveling at how he could still taste Bucky, he should-
No. Tomorrow was soon enough to let reality wash over them. For tonight he'd just let himself revel in what they'd just done, savor his first kiss. Let himself feel the joy of knowing that at least he didn't have to hide his feelings from Bucky. That maybe this was worse because it meant they both had to fight against temptation - which had never been Bucky's strong suit - but at least he didn't have to fear that Bucky would find out and hate him. At least their friendship was still there.
And in this one area of their friendship, Steve would stand firm and not let Bucky talk him into doing whatever he wanted. This wasn't like sneaking cigarettes or booze into the orphanage, or skipping catechism class. This was far more serious.
He let himself touch Bucky's cheek, run a hand over Bucky's hair. He smiled and let himself pull Bucky closer, and pressed a kiss to Bucky's forehead. "We'll talk about it tomorrow, OK?"
Bucky nodded trustingly and gave Steve a sweet smile that broke his heart at the same time as it lifted him higher than a kite. "Tomorrow."
Author's Note: Based on the Don't Ask snippet:
"He was." Cap swallowed again. "He was bleeding pretty bad, he'd snuck out and then come back in and I gave him some booze Jimmy Dentremont had smuggled into the orphanage. I asked him how come he kept chasing skirts all the time and he said, 'Cause I can't chase you.' I almost hit him. I thought he was being a jerk. Then he kissed me." His eyes clenched shut and his brow furrowed, and Gabe could feel the pain passing through him. "I was so scared. I thought somebody was gonna come into the washroom and see us, even though everyone was asleep. I'd been - I thought I was the only one - I thought I was sick, I thought if he knew he'd try to kill me or think I was disgusting or tell everyone. Instead-" Cap bit his lip and covered his face with his hands.