Summary: Kaworu's thoughts on the repeating loop, with a twist.
Pairing: light-Kaworu/Shinji
Rating: G
Warnings: weirdness/abstractness, something you may not like.
Disclaimer: it's the year of Eva but I still (sadly) do not own it and never will.
Envisionary
Can Lilin even begin to understand the thought process of an Angel?
Fate is a strong word...but, if such an abstract occurrence has place in this world, then... I am doomed to continue the same circle till the end of time.
And ironically, with this, the Lilin society will go nowhere, let alone the planet Earth itself.
No future.
But I wonder...how much of an impact would this circle have on the planet?
How much Lilin has destroyed it in the first place..?
The Instrumentality project. I can not say I could ever be against something like that, but...there is one obstacle to it, one single Lilin boy...
Without this boy, I wouldn't have a place in this world. Without Ikari Shinji-kun, the world as Lilin knew it would have long since seized to exist.
My life...my reason to exist...
I am the reason for the circle.
I am the reason fate keeps repeating over and over. The circle keeps resetting and repeating with no end.
I was created-
No, made. I was made for Ikari Shinji. For him alone. Without my existence, there would be no circle. Lilin would have destroyed itself long since.
And...
Ikari Shinji-kun, such a fragile yet warm existence...would perish along with it.
I can not allow it to happen.
I don't have a will to allow something like that.
Shinji-kun... I need for him to exist.
Even if it means taking my life in the process, over and over again.
We were not fated to be happy though...were we Shinji-kun? I have not a slight doubt in me that I am what you need to be happy... But fate has a different thing in mind.
I wish to go against fate, but I yet found a way to do it.
And it has already been...how many circles?
How many times did I die? How many times did you hurt..?
Ikari Shinji-kun... The strongest and most fragile Lilin I know.
Contradiction.
Do I have any need, any longing? Do I actually know the meaning of love?
A question with no answer. But I think I do. I want to believe I do. Because Shinji-kun steered something in me. Something very deep.
My existence would be meaningless without him...because I was really born to meet him. And I wouldn't give it away, ever.
I just wish I could make him happy.
You are not happy without me, are you, Shinji-kun? It's a paradox right there. Fate itself forbids us from happiness of being together, yet we...still go after each other.
No, I go after you. I can't keep away from you no matter what. All of my memories intact, I reach out towards you and you take the bait with open arms. You let me in so easily...like you have never done before with a single Lilin. You trust me.
But I still die each time.
What would you do if you knew about the circle you keep creating...ne, Shinji-kun?
You can not let go of me either, can you..?
Maybe there is a Lilin who could make you happy, better than me, but... Through all of the circles, I have yet found said Lilin.
Not that I searched hard enough.
Shinji-kun, forgive me. I want you entirely to myself.
I have a strong believe that if there was anyone else suited for you, you would have found them instead.
What are the odds of falling in love with an Angel, out of everyone in the Lilin society..?
...Shinji-kun...could you be fate itself?
Too many questions, very few answers. This world is a mystery even to me.
Even to me.
Ikari Shinji-kun... Can we run from fate?
Can you run from yourself?
Take me with you to the next step. Stop killing your own happiness.
Do you hear me?
Can you hear me, Ikari Shinji-kun?
Fate cannot die.
And you cannot die instead of me.
That would be against the rules.
And if it's against the rules...the circle will break.
And I do not want that, Shinji-kun. I need for you to keep on existing.
So...wake up.
Kill me.
Fate can never die.
...
Right..?
The End.