Hi! Wrote this ages ago and felt like uploading something between chapters of my long-running fic 'Escalation'. Also wanted to cheer myself up after the Brexit distaster :( Although I don't know why I chose to publish this story, it's not overly happy. However, it does explore my on-off HC that something (or someone hehehehe) went down between Dean and Cas in Purgatory. Enjoy, and please R&R!
Dean slides into the passenger seat nervously, gritting his teeth as he watches Castiel settle his supple fingers on the steering wheel. He's usually pretty distracted by the sight of them, but right now he's already distracted by the deep pit of uncertainty in his stomach. He should have 'borrowed' a local wreck for this, not volunteered his beloved Impala. Too late now.
Cas glances at him with expectant blue eyes, clearly not intending to do anything without explicit instructions. Dean calms slightly at this and takes a deep breath, telling himself that Cas couldn't possibly damage this car any more than she's been hurt already over the years. And Dean always puts her back together. He reaches out and strokes the dash without quite realising what he's doing, catching Cas's amused expression and scowling at it.
"Shut up, you know I hate letting anyone but me drive Baby. She's mine."
Cas reaches out and gently pats the dash, smiling at it and then turning his fond gaze onto the human. "I won't do anything rash, Dean. I love this car too."
"Well... good," Dean responds lamely after a pause, as though he isn't weirdly touched by the statement. Shaking off the moment, he adopts a business-like tone. "OK, you know where all the pedals are and we practiced the shift. We'll deal with indicators and lights and shit like that later. Right now I want you to start the car, put her into first gear and use the pedals like I showed you to get her moving."
Castiel nods, a look of concentration on his face. He carefully turns the key and smiles faintly as the car rumbles into life. Releasing the handbrake, he reaches for the gear stick before hesitating and withdrawing his hand with a quick glance at Dean. The hunter raises his eyebrows and Cas nods quickly, pressing down the clutch with his foot before reaching again for the stick. He moves it slowly and precisely into first and Dean rolls his eyes at the snail speed, although he appreciates the caution whilst handling Baby. He watches his pupil frown and bite his lip as he juggles releasing the clutch and pressing the gas down, wincing as the car snarls at him. He adjusts and sighs with relief as the car shudders into motion and he fully releases the clutch. Dean sighs too, pleased that they didn't stall on the first try.
"Nice," he approves, and Cas grins across at him before returning his eyes to the road. They're crawling along at walking pace. Dean adopts an encouraging tone. "OK, now try shifting into second."
Cas's smile falters but he lifts the gas and presses down the clutch again, reaching out and carefully moving the stick into second. The car swerves slightly as he does this and Cas mumbles an apology, righting the wheel. Dean murmurs reassurance as he feels the car protest again at Cas's slightly clumsy juggling of the clutch and gas. But as before, he doesn't stall and they pick up speed, cruising up the country back road. Dean laughs out loud, feeling ridiculously proud. He reaches out and squeezes Castiel's thigh in an entirely congratulatory gesture.
Cas jumps at the touch and a moment later, they've swerved halfway off the road, heading for a deep ditch. Dean yelps in shock.
"Fuck! Brake, Cas, remember, like I showed-"
He's cut off as Cas slams down both the clutch and the brake at once and the Impala jolts to a sudden stop, bouncing them both forward. They weren't travelling fast, though, and neither of them are thrown too hard. There's a short silence broken only by their harsh breathing, and then Cas speaks, his tone distressed.
"I'm so sorry, Dean, I - I just -"
Dean swallows uncomfortably as the angel trails off. They both know why Castiel lost control of the car. They both know exactly why, but that knowledge is not up for discussion, especially not after the events of the past year. Dean risks a glance at Cas and wishes he hadn't; wide, wistful, guilt-ridden blue eyes are boring into him, intense as always upon his face.
"It's my problem, Dean," he says quietly, sadly. "I should be dealing with it better."
Dean shakes his head, self-loathing eclipsing his fear. It's despicable for him to keep letting Cas pile the shame and blame upon himself. "No, Cas, come on, you know that's bullshit. You know it."
They stare at each other, the engine still purring quietly in the background. Cas looks away first, for once, frowning at his hands still gripping the steering wheel. "Well, you've made it clear how you feel, Dean, so surely it's not 'bullshit'. I'm the one who-"
"What exactly did I make clear?" Dean demands incredulously. His heart is slamming against his ribs but he stumbles on, somehow, despite his innate cowardice regarding the situation. "What fucking part of how I acted in Purgatory was clear to you? When I kissed you or when I punched you in the face? When we fucked or when I held my blade to your goddamn throat? When I told you I wouldn't leave without you or when I told you I never wanted to see you again? Jesus, Cas, stop being so damn forgiving. I was an absolute dick, and you should hate me."
He's almost panting with the effort of being honest by the time he finishes, feeling ill and vulnerable, but it needed saying. The wound between him and Cas has been festering horribly since the angel returned from the grey realm, and it's past time to fix it. Dean stares straight ahead out of the windshield in the silence that follows, increasingly horrified at what he's said. It seems like a long time before Cas speaks, his voice barely more than a whisper.
"I don't want to hate you, Dean. It's easier to hate myself. I think you can understand that."
Dean swallows, thinking reluctantly of his refusal to believe that Cas would leave him, how it was far more bearable to be able to place the fault at his own feet. Yes, he understands. He understands Cas so much it scares him.
"Dean," comes Cas's gentle voice again, and the hunter closes his eyes, leaning his head back on the seat. "You're right. You did not behave admirably in Purgatory. You initiated a relationship with me and then you retracted your involvement in that relationship, unfairly blaming me for the situation in the process. But you also saved my life multiple times, committed to rescuing me at your own risk, and begged me to return when I left you, even though I left because you told me to. You... what is the phrase? You gave me mixed signals."
Dean snorts at that, finally opening his eyes and turning to face Cas.
"That's one hell of an understatement," he remarks dryly, but even as the words fade on his lips he knows he shouldn't have met the angel's eyes. They've always been an ocean for him, beautiful and dangerous, pulling at him like a rip tide and slowly drowning him. The two beings stare at each other, seconds ticking by, and Dean feels helpless and resigned, knowing that he shouldn't do what he's about to do but powerless to stop himself. Not after Purgatory, anyway. It's amazing that he's lasted this long at all.
Dean leans forward with a sigh of surrender, cupping Cas's face with both hands as he kisses the angel softly and slowly. Cas makes a low sound against his lips, leaning into the contact and radiating the same sense of wonder and joy as he did the first time Dean kissed him, pushed roughly against a tree in the middle of an argument. Dean wants to laugh and cry at the same time. He wants to crawl into Cas's arms and never leave. He wants to build a wall between himself and the angel and never take it down. His feelings for Castiel have always been a mess of contradictions, tangled up in his own doubts and deep-seated issues. He's such a royal fuck-up. Why does this powerful, wonderful creature stay with him?
Dean knows the answer to that, and he rejects it from his mind even as it makes him deepen the kiss passionately, leaning Cas back against the side door. Cas sighs into his mouth, one hand cupping his neck and the other trailing across his back. There's worship in the touch. The blasphemy of it all has always been kind of a turn-on for Dean, even before he really admitted to himself what he wanted. Cas in general has always been kind of a turn-on for Dean.
The hunter lowers one hand to Cas's chest and he grabs a handful of the ever-present trench coat, tugging Cas back towards the driver's seat. He's not sure whether the angel uses physical contact to read his mind or just has more human instincts than he realised, but Cas is in Dean's lap and straddling him before Dean can draw another breath, still kissing him fervently. Dean whimpers pathetically, running hungry hands up Cas's thighs and biting down on the angel's full lower lip. They both groan and break apart, panting and staring at each other.
"Cas, I can't promise you anything. I'm a damn coward," Dean admits miserably, winding his arms around his lover even as some faint, noble part of him wishes that the angel would have the sense to leave him for good. Cas smiles sadly at him, cupping his cheek and stroking his thumb across the skin there.
"You're not a coward. And I don't need anything from you but to be with you, however you like."
It's an offer too good to refuse, although accepting it makes Dean feel like the most selfish asshole to ever walk the planet. He closes his eyes and nods, leaning forward again to recapture Cas's lips. One day, he promises himself and Cas both, silently. One day he'll be brave enough to give Cas what he deserves. For now, he'll take Cas's offer and hope that the angel is strong enough to trust that he is loved, even if by a man who might never be able to say it out loud.