I FINALLY have WIFI now so I'm publishing what I wrote and I don't care what happens, 'cause I don't know when I'll have WIFI again.
SO this happened...kinda sad, maybe, just felt like I had tow write this little mundane scene.
This is happening during the same year the movie Frozen took place.
I do not own Frozen.
She couldn't understand it.
Everything was going so well. The gates have been open for months now. Her people loved and accepted her. Arendelle was prospering. Her magic was under complete control. Anna was happy. They were reconnecting as sisters. Even Kristoff and Sven had found a place in her heart.
Why then did she feel so…so…?
She couldn't even place an emotion to what she was feeling. Sitting in her favourite window nook in the library with a discarded book lying by her propped up feet; she made a very unqueenly image. But, Elsa couldn't bring herself to care. She had thought reading a book would help her out of whatever mire she found herself wading through. It didn't. She sat gazing out of the window, watching her people go about their business without a care in the world, because they knew their Queen had taken care of them and will continue to do so. They felt safe and cared for.
Mighty ships baring cargo from far off places came and went. A bell chimed merrily with the sea breeze wafting in to cool the morning with Winter's approach.
Maybe it was the lull in work that caused this…stagnancy inside Arendelle's Queen. Winter was around the corner and the most of what had to be done in preparation had been done. Her people wouldn't suffer. They had more than enough to go by to last through trade that will freeze with the fjord in a few weeks. The ships coming and going now were of the last that were scheduled to reach her little corner of the Earth. There wasn't much else to do but rest and recuperate after a very draining year.
But, without all the admin that came with running a kingdom, she felt lost.
The things she usually enjoyed doing became tedious. The silence she often sought brought no peace; in fact it made her restless. She felt like she could explode with all the potential energy bubbling inside of her, but she couldn't muster up enough energy to do something that would give her release. So she sat, and stared at nothing and everything all at once.
Her heart beat lethargically, her breathing was uneven. What was wrong?!
Frustrated, she sighed and stood up from her empty seat, abandoning the paperback. Perhaps a nap will help. Or maybe her sister…no. Anna wouldn't help. Elsa didn't want to upset her. She's been snappy towards her baby sister for a while now and she could see that she hurt Anna because the redhead didn't know what she did to deserve it. She didn't do anything. Anna is still the ray of sunshine she has always been. Her sunny disposition just couldn't seem to break through the heavy storm clouds hovering above her older sister. Even Olaf couldn't cheer her up with his exuberance and child-like wonder at everything. It just grated on her already raw nerves. The smallest sound would send her temper flying, at least she had the wherewithal to keep her emotions in check. Conceal, don't feel...
She just needed to be alone. She'd get better that way.
Mind made up, she walked to the door and turned down the hall that would lead her to her room. She twirled idle snowflakes between her fingers as she walked, not even having enough motivation to plaster a believable fake smile at the passing servants on her way. She could only lift her lips in what she hoped resembled a smile and not a grimace that it felt like she was giving them. The door to her room finally came into view and she felt her shoulders droop.
Maybe I should take a nap.
She had to pass her sister's room to enter her own adjoining chambers with their shared dressing room being the only thing that separated them. She breathed a subconscious sigh of relief when she took a passing glance into her sister's room and discovered it devoid of the redhead. She really couldn't face her sister being in the foul mood she is in at this moment.
Elsa entered her room and closed the door behind her with a soft click.
"I'm tellin' you Kristoff, something's off about Elsa and I just can't put my finger on it."
"Maybe she's just tired from being Queen?" he offered the pouting redhead beside him as they walked.
"It's not that." She waved at the baker with a smile as they passed his shop, "Things are slowing down now that winter's almost here."
"Then she's probably just tired." He held open the café's door, allowing her to enter first. "It's been quite a year, ya know."
"Yeah…maybe." Anna wasn't convinced.
Kristoff and Anna were led to their booth by the window overlooking the market square. The Crowing Crocus was the most popular café in Arendelle and made the best food outside of the castle. It was, after all, run by the castle Chef Louis' own twin brother, Lucien. Anna swore culinary skills flowed through their blood, because even their little sister Louka could make amazing food when given the chance. She was the castle's sous chef for a reason.
After Kristoff ordered him some black coffee and Anna some hot chocolate, the two of them dissolved into silence. Anna was resting her head on her hand as she stared out the window at nothing and everything all at once.
Kristoff placed his hand on her own resting on the table before her. "Anna, why don't you try and talk to her 'bout it?"
She sighed and returned her gaze to her mountain man, "I tried. She's…she's irritable. It feels like I can't get through one conversation where she's not putting up a fake smile." Her shoulders drooped, "D-do you think I've done something wrong?"
"No." Came his immediate answer at the vulnerable shine in her eyes.
She didn't look persuaded though. Her gaze drifted out the window again, past the bustling market, straight on over the bridge, and up to the castle. She could've sworn she could see her sister seated in the window nook by the library, but it can also be a trick of the light. Her attention was brought back to the café when their drinks arrived. Anna slid her hand out from underneath Kristoff's and held her hot chocolate with both hands, staring into the murky depths.
Kristoff sighed, clutching his own mug between his hands, wondering what he could do to cheer his Princess up. A thought occurred to him and he frowned.
"Anna," he said and waited for her to look at him before he continued, "Could you tell me a little bit about the differences you see in Elsa's behaviour?"
The redhead thought for a moment, "She's much more quiet than usual. And she doesn't really initiate any conversation like she used to do, especially at breakfast. She'd say 'hi' but that's about it." A soft frown pulled her brows together, "If I ask her questions, her answers will be short and to the point. Then she'd disappear either to her study, or the library, or her room for most of the day. She barely goes outside and it feels like she's avoiding me again…"
Anna trailed off, her frown becoming concerned. "D-do you think she's s-shutting me out again?"
"No, no I don't." Kristoff offered her his hand and she took it like a lifeline. "She promised she wouldn't shut you out again."
"But she's acting so weird." Her lip began to tremble, "I don't want to lose my sister, Kristoff."
"You won't." he squeezed her hand, releasing his mug to hold her hand with both of his. "She loves you too much. I've seen it." He smiled at her encouragingly, "Just don't stop reaching out to her."
"But it hurts so much when she does what she's doing." Anna wiped at her eyes, willing her tears to stay away. "If she'd just tell me what I did maybe I could –"
"You didn't so anything."
"Then why –?"
"I think I might know why…" Kristoff's face became sombre as he looked at their joined hands. Anna's hand tightened around Kristoff's fingers in silent support. "There were – are times that I feel…" he sighed and shook his head, struggling to find the right word that could describe his feelings.
"It's okay," she soothed, "you can tell me anything."
"I know I can," he looked up at her and smiled fondly. It dropped away like a cloud moving before the sun. "I lost my parents when I was a young boy, you know that." at her slight nod, he continued. "My father's friends, the ice harvesters took us in before Bulda, my troll ma, did. I stayed with them for a few years until I could tag along and learn how to harvest." He looked out of the window to the mountains behind the castle, "It was a way for me to keep my parents close."
His gaze returned to hers, they were filled with sympathy and love. "I know what you mean…I take walks in the garden just to feel close to my mother for a while. Especially her rose collection my father had given her in the greenhouse."
"During my time with the harvesters," he continued when she urged him to, "I'd get these moments of feeling…I don't really know how to explain it." he shook his head again, "I just remember feeling uninterested in things that used to interest me. Even Sven would irritate me during the times I felt like that." He shifted in his seat, "He always understood though, and stayed with me even when I wanted to be alone.
"When the troll's adopted me, the feeling kinda went away." He smiled and Anna found herself mirroring his, "They looked after me and showed me love again. Sure, the ice harvesters had taken care of me and tried to keep me out of trouble. But, the trolls especially my ma and pa, practically showered me in their love." This smile began to slip. Anna waited patiently as he gathered his thoughts. "One time, I remember feeling…I guess the proper word is disconnected, I felt that way again. I stayed in the little cave they had made for me, my room, as much as I could and just slept the day away. Bulda noticed, and confronted me about it."
He chuckled, recalling the tactful way she basically dragged him out of his niche. "We ended up having a shouting match about nothing. Well, actually I was doing all the shouting," he shifted in his seat again, holding her hand tighter, "Right in the middle of my ranting about some stupid thing, ma hugged me close." He laughed again, looking at Anna, "I was so shocked and overwhelmed, I started to cry."
"Oh, Kristoff…" he voice was filled to the brim with compassion, and he felt his heart warm. "What happened?"
"Turns out," he sighed deeply, looking at their hands again. "Some part of me was still grieving the loss of my parents. And I think I always will. Ma had just made it known to me that day." He looked up at Anna, "Maybe Elsa's feeling it too, now that there's nothing to distract her anymore." Anna nodded her head, considering what she was told. "It could be something else as well though. We're much the same, Elsa and I, we keep our emotions to ourselves most of the time. It's stupid I know," he grinned and shrugged, "but it's just the way we're programmed, well I am at least. I'm not so sure about Elsa, but from what I've seen, she does tend to keep things to herself."
"Yeah, you're totally right." Understanding flooded her and she looked at the castle again, "Sometimes I have to pry away her defences just so that she'd tell me what's wrong. Most of the time I'm just there so that she knows she's not alone. It really helped in the beginning when she had frequent panic attacks."
"Ma always says that a little love will go a long way." He mused, freeing a hand up to take a sip of his coffee.
"Thank you, Kristoff."
"For what?"
"For sharing that with me, you really helped."
"Anytime, Feisty Pants."
Elsa was pacing in her room, feeling like a caged animal.
She had tried writing, or drawing, or even reading again but nothing helped. Her frustration kept building and her magic responded. At least her room wasn't frozen over, not yet anyway. She was clenching and unclenching her fists to release the pressure her magic was adding inside of her. It's working so far, but it didn't take away the feeling that the walls were closing in on her. She felt so heavy...so constricted...
What if she just left again? Just for a little while, back to her Ice Palace. Anna could take care of things while she was away. There wasn't much to do except to prepare for the upcoming yule celebration. She could just slip away...
Knock knock knockknock knock.
A sigh escaped her lips unbidden. She really didn't want to see her sister now, but she knew she couldn't just send her away either. She was debating whether she should open the door herself or just call her sister to enter when she heard Anna's voice through the door.
"Hey Els," she sounded timid, even a bit scared "I know you probably want to be alone right now, and I won't bother you for much longer."
You're never a bother Anna. I'm just…a sucky sister.
"I just want to let you know that I'm here for you." Elsa smiled softly as she walked to her door. "I mean, I know you already know that, but I want to remind you that I'm here. Not that I'm pressuring you into opening up to me or anything, but I'd just want you to know that I understand."
Understand what? I don't even understand what's going on.
"I was talking with Kristoff just now and he said something that made me think." Elsa stood before her door and listened, "I guess things are kinda difficult for you this time of the year. Trade is slowing down, and your Queenly business is kinda over for the year. So there's nothing left for you to do…nothing left to distract you, maybe."
Distract me?
"It's easy for me to say that I understand," Elsa was leaning against the door as Anna spoke, "I'd like to think I do, but I can't read your mind. I'm not blaming you at all. I know you prefer to keep things to yourself, and I'm cool with that. I was just thinking that it can get overwhelming at times, can't it?"
You have no idea…Elsa sighed, resting her head against the door.
"This year was pretty rough, huh?" Anna was leaning against the door form the other side, fighting her growing panic at her sister's silence. "And I bet you're wondering if you did a good job or not. Well, you did. The gates are open; Arendelle loves you and they're prospering. We're connecting as sisters again, everything's great."
Please don't shut me out again...
She shifted her weight from foot to foot, "And I think, no, I know mama and papa would've been proud of you. I don't know how you're feeling towards them, Els." Anna sighed, "I miss them terribly, and sometimes I feel this…overwhelming sense of loss when I think of them. But then I have a good cry and usually feel better afterwards." She chuckled suddenly, "Or I just drown my sorrows in bucket loads of chocolate."
Anna heard a soft giggle from behind her door and felt her heart soar. She's listening! Elsa is actually listening to what she's saying!
Okay, calm down Anna. She took a deep, steadying breath. Don't get too ahead of yourself. Just wrap this puppy up and let Elsa decide what she wants to do.
"I-I don't know how you deal with grief or the overpowering sadness I often feel when I think about them. It can be crippling, sis. And even though things are going well on the outside, doesn't mean everything is good on the inside."
Anna waited to see if she could hear anything on the other side of the door. When no sound was forthcoming, Anna deflated but truly understood that she couldn't push her sister all the time. She had said what she wanted to say; now the ball was in Elsa's court.
"So basically," she stood up from leaning against the door and faced it, "What I'm trying to say is, even though you know it already, I'm here for you. And you can take all the time you need to figure out whatever you're dealing with. If-If that means doing it alone, or going away to the North Mountain maybe...then we can organise something. Just let me know, alright?" She placed a hand on the door and sighed into the silence, "I love you, Elsa."
Her hand slipped off of the wooden door slowly before she turned to walk down the hall. She needed some comfort food and Chef Louis could distract Gerda long enough so that she could take as much chocolate as she wanted to without the matron ever finding out about it.
Elsa's door clicked open, but Anna didn't hear anything until her name was called. She whipped around so fast her legs got tangled around themselves; at least she found her balance before she fell flat on her face.
"Hey." Anna said with a nervous smile.
"Hi." Elsa's smile was genuine and full of warmth. "I just wanted to say…thank you."
"Oh, uh, well it's no big deal –"
"No, Anna it is." The blonde hugged herself around the waist; a sure sign that she was uncomfortable and uncertain, maybe even scared? Anna took a tentative step forwards. "I know it can be difficult to have me as a sister –"
"Don't be ridiculous, you're great!"
"I haven't been that great this past week…" Elsa seemed to start to fold in on herself; Anna took two steps towards her. "I've just been feeling…"
"Disconnected?" Anna offered, using the work Kristoff had used to describe his own feelings.
The blonde looked up in mild surprise. "Yeah. How'd you know?"
"Kristoff mentioned feeling like that."
"Oh, what did he do about it?"
Was that hope Anna was hearing in her sister's tone?
"Well, he kinda had a shouting match with his ma," Anna's steps were slow and casual as she neared her sister.
"Oh…" Elsa frowned at her shoes, having hoped for a better solution.
"But Bulda, his adoptive mother, did something that I think will help you, too."
"Really?" Elsa looked up. Anna stood before her sister, at arm's length. "What did she do?"
In response, Anna opened up her arms and smiled encouragingly, waiting for her sister to decide whether she wanted to accept the comfort she needed or not. Elsa regarded her sister with growing warmth in her heart and behind her eyes. Anna started to blur as tears gathered in cerulean eyes. Elsa released her middle and stepped into her sisters awaiting embrace, feeling beyond overwhelmed as the past year's events and stresses and worries and doubts crashed against her restraint. The dam burst as soon as the eldest was wrapped in the warmest hug she had ever experienced from her sister.
They held each other as close as they could, drinking in the solace both of them had craved since Elsa's miniature isolation. Anna felt her worries dissolve with Elsa's tears of release as Elsa grew lighter with each drop she shed.
"Always be together you and me." Anna hummed the rest of the song they used to sing as children and knew that was the only way they would ever get through this life.
Together.
And both Elsa and Anna wouldn't've had wanted it any other way.
(Shrugs apologetically) I don't know why I wrote this...but I kinda like it.
Review if you do or don't, please for the love of Oaken's homemade sun balm, review constructively :)
I thank thee.
'Till next time.