Immoral Delights Beneath the Stair
One fine young day, Yuki Sohma occurred. He was walking sprightly away from his igloo in Vermont. His tenth favorite hangout since disco. He kneaded some bread into a flowery pulp because he sought to become the greatest mail order bride since banana bread. Bee Ay En Ay En Ay. ( His fav song)
Once all his cookin' skillz were learned, he moved on to more advanced topics in mathematics. After that, came the most difficult part of bridedom. Sexual antics. This was quite a challenge for Yuki, because he was in fact a poptato.
Yuki lived in a small kennel dog-loo with all of the other brides to be! Including but not limited to Hatori and the Fudgisaurus (please see "Where's the Pregnant" for further IMPORTANT details). It was small, and cramp-ed and we don't mean the dinosaur, dammit! Talkin' bout the dog-loo. In the bayou of the South. Lots of people around there owned Confederate paraphernalia and that scared Yuki because of his support of the NAACP.
Cut across to town, to a well known phone booth of debauchment. There lay inside Kyo Sohma, drunk off his ass and ready to rumble with the big testicles he had inside pants. Which he carried around with him. They were attached.
He picked up the phone and didn't know what else to do. He had no one to call. No one to love. No one to cup his pop. And for this, we all cried for many days and went on a three year long pilgrimage to Utah, which is not pudding. Kyo found a dirty sticker in the phone booth which was an advert for the time of his life should he choose to dial complete number. Kyo chose.
"Hullo?" Kyo wondered into the phone. "Where might my time of life be?"
"Ohio. Welcome to Mail Order Bridez. We enjoy selling you people so you can use them like a wife."
"Hot diggety!" cried Kyo. "I would enjoy using someone like a wiffe." This was because Kyo was drunk on Schmirnoff, among other Yermans.
The manager of Mail Order Bridez put Yuki on the phone and Yuki was on the phone. So then he spoke thusly (through the phone) to Kyo. Kyo was on the other end. (of the phone) He was in a phone booth.
Recap so far: Yuki is a bride. He lives in a dogloo with Hatori. Kyo is drunk and has just accidentally called the brides. Yuki's on the phone. With Kyo.
Let's watch.
"Hi." said Yuki.
"Burp." said Kyo into the phone. He did not burp, but merely expressed the word in the best way he knew how.
"Wow. I am wooed. Woo!" said Yuki.
Kyo knew the deed was done. Dammit, he thought to himself. I have to buy that bitch now.
The manager got on the phone again so he could talk on the phone to Kyo, who was on the phone. Kyo bought this Yuki, over the phone, even though it was a mail order. He did not use mail. He used the phone. Phone are for pizza. I don't get it either. But just go with it. This is a good story.
Yuki was freshly packed in bubblewrap and gladware and shipped to Kyo's phonebooth while Kyo was still on the phone. Unfortunately, Kyo missed the shipment because he forgot how to open the door to the phonebooth where he resided because he was still working off his high.
Luckily, the postal service in Thailand, where most people come from, was very helpful and kept Yuki in a high place out of reach of chillders. Kyo took only flying leap and captured him like the Batman of his namesake, taking him away to be ravished in the phone booth of amorous love and sexual kinkery and immoral delights.
Kyo had a fetish. And not one you and me are normally accustomed to. He liked big band music and forced Yuki to play a trumpet while licking Kyo's ass, which was rather difficult seeing as both needed the used mouth.
Harder, thought Kyo.
Yuki died.
THE END
not a poptart