Days like these always felt a little more frigid than they had any right to be.
Toris clutched the coat closer to himself as he remembered just moments before when Alfred had run away, chasing some idea or another or even worse, leaving Toris alone to his thoughts that never wanted to stop spinning.
It was hard to focus past the incessant buzzing in his head; so many whirlwinds of thoughts.
Was it okay to want just a little more right now? Did Alfred care? Was everything that had happened, seemed to happen his fault?
Toris hated it as he let his head come to rest in his hands; his mind still buzzing away lost in some terrible recollection of his history.
The Lithuanian hated this; he'd never been the sort to find something like this easy to manage or handle.
He felt too young for all of the weight that he tried to handle, and yet Alfred never seemed to notice, never seemed to notice how tired his roommate was when the thoughts took to buzzing, never seemed to notice how his nightmares sometimes sprang up seemingly out of nowhere, never seemed to notice how depressed he was.
It never happened in easy to manage spurts; they always felt long, way too long, and they only came when he was least suspecting them to.
Some days, he was genuinely happy, not feeling as exhausted as he was, and he'd find himself laughing at Alfred's jokes with true enthusiasm, but other days, he couldn't focus to save his life.
He'd crack a broken smile at Alfred's jokes, pretend that he was happy though it always seemed to bite him right back in the heart later on as he told himself, 'you never were that great of a liar, you know? How hasn't your roommate caught on?'
Alfred was despite everything always so happy and energetic; whenever he wasn't happy, it was obvious and always pretty much faded away pretty quickly to revert back to his constant cheer.
Toris needed that sometimes, needed to experience what it was like to be happy if only to quell the thoughts in his head before they sprang up, demanding to him how false it actually was.
The Lithuanian stared down at his hands, coat draped carefully over his shoulder, the same coat that Alfred had adjusted on his friend just that morning.
He was sure that it wasn't as bad as his mind made it out to be; his mind liked to taunt him, to tease him with what ifs, or even to tease him with the way things were.
Toris took a deep breath though blinked back tears when Alfred came back to his side; did he know, could he know?
"Hey, Toris, my man." The casual phrase shouldn't have lifted his heart up though it did, "You do know that I want you to join me right?"
"Yeah, yeah, of course." Toris stood up in a flurry, shakily holding out his hand for Alfred to grab on to and smiling slightly though it still hurt in his chest.
He just wanted to forget and perhaps that was why it was so perfect for Alfred to retrace his steps and come back; he was always so enthusiastic and energetic that it was easy to forget for a moment if he truly turned his attention to Alfred.
It wouldn't stop it from returning tonight, but may be, just may be, it might be a little easier to handle together.
Toris let out a choked laugh as they ran away together though he knew that it was half fake, felt almost acidic on his tongue yet not quite enough to heavily distract; it was a relief, an overwhelming one, that Alfred came back to grab his hand and lead him away. He'll try to remember this for later when his mind has enough and twists it around and away, making him doubt their friendship, their if it could be more, and how much Alfred cared.
For a moment, as they ran away, it was obvious that Alfred cared whether or not he noticed the hole that Toris had been digging himself into as of late.