Nothing
"I will live to be a thousand and I still won't have the answers."
•prompts: hurt/comfort, you can't burn me (but he did, ice princess, he did.)
•written for: chase (chasehermes), opac christmas fic exchange.
•special thanks: andie, for running the exchange, and devi, for helping me out with the leo/khione dialogue.
•a/n: i haven't got my copy of tlh with me so the leo/khione battle scene will tweak canon a bit.
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one
"Love is nothing," shouts your father angrily, thumping his hand against his armrest. "I should've known Aphrodite would leave me, that slut!"
He looks furious - but you can see the hurt, the broken heart. You're a little amused. Of course he should've known Aphrodite would have left him in the end.
But you just nod gravely, not saying anything - you know better than to do that. Love is nothing but an illusion; you agree with him on that. A mere mist of a very terribly strong attraction.
(Yeah, he should've known. Everyone leaves everyone in the end. Death happens, and even if the oh-so-happy couple both make it to Elysium, there's no way they'll stay happy for eternity.)
two
The first time you see that boy, that fire boy, nothing happens.
Nothing clicks. Nothing changes in the air. You've heard tell of these thing happening when people are attracted to each other, but really? You can sense the warmth of a fire within him, and it makes you uneasy. All that really happens is that his pupils nearly turn into heart shapes and he smiles a huge, goofy smile. He calls you, the ice princess, hot. What an insult. He flirts.
You allow a hint of a smirk to play on your lips ever so lightly. You do have that mask of an ice princess to keep intact, after all. If this is why Aphrodite is the whore she is, she makes absolutely no sense. Is it just for the attention of stupid mortal and immortal men?
You dislike him quite a bit as the time progresses - his friends are no better. While Leo Valdez, as that is what he introduces himself as, is childish and ignorant, the other two seem to be entirely presumptive and thick-headed. The girl is pretty. The other boy, Jason Grace is pretty, too. He'd make a very nice ice statue, you inform them with a careless little smile on your face.
But they're all ... demigods. They're all beneath you, the ice princess.
And what a stupid little boy. He isn't any better than those mortal men who hoot and jeer at you as you walk pass them, letting yourself be seen as a simple mortal - just before they are frozen in blocks of ice forever.
(This one is rather handsome under all that muck, though, isn't he?
No. No, of course not. He's a demigod. He isn't anywhere as good-looking as what you are used to. You're a million times better-looking than he.
Nope. You don't think he's handsome at all. Not one bit.
But that smile - )
three
Gaia commands you to knock their flying metal dragon out of the sky, and you feel a niggling sense of doubt. Wouldn't that be rather mean?
As soon as the thought passes through your mind, you want to slap yourself: you are Khione, the ice princess, the goddess of snow, and you don't worry about being mean.
(You worry about being sent to Tartarus - a fate worse than death - by Hera, and if the fire boy is a bit too attached to that hunk of metal of which you're about to freeze the wires.)
four
You can't resist.
A little part of you sighs and asks, Is it because you like the attention? Like Aphrodite?
You don't know. Maybe. Maybe not.
You hate to admit it, but you wish just a little bit that that is the reason. Maybe it will make you just like Aphrodite; it is still better than the alternative reason.
(That you are experiencing that mist, that illusion. Attraction. Love.)
five
And so you appear in the boy's dreams. Just a little bit. The night he leaves you appear as just a little flash of consciousness.
"Hello, fire boy."
Condescending smile. Check. Guarded eyes. Check.
Absolutely no interest in anything - where's the ice princess mask gone?
You'll just blow through it and hope he doesn't notice that you're curious. (Interested. Attracted.) He's quite a stupid young boy, eons younger than you. He won't notice anything.
(Why do you seem so real, though? he wonders. )
six
The next day, you watch him as he sleeps. He's there. Yes, you've just came to see him in his sleep but this is just something that came up on your journey and you decided to take a little glance while the sky is down, okay? This is nothing, you tell yourself in that little argument you're having in your mind. This is nothing this means nothing shut up shut up shut up.
Before you know it, you've reached out and touched his cheek gently. It's so warm. But everything is warm to you.
What are you doing? the other side of your mind shrieks, and you pull your arm back. What are you doing?
You sneer. You're being so pathetic. You mustn't do this again, you scold yourself. Stop it.
But this is nothing, I just ... I just wanted to ... see him ... ?
?
Excuses, excuses. You're being stupid, you say to yourself over and over again as you leave in a hurry, snowflakes swirling lightly everywhere you step. Why is everything a question mark? Why is everything a why?
(And don't you remember, ice princess - love is nothing? Don't you remember?
You'd better fucking not give the excuse that it's "nothing" again, hm?)
seven
Gaia is watching.
You can feel her breathing down your neck, you can feel her cruel smile behind you as she makes you whisper those words to Lycaon and Aeolus. And you feel pathetic, like this.
Face the truth, princess. She's using you.
But you hurry to quash the thought at once. Because you know that she will not hesitate to send you to Tartarus for all eternity, like she has done for so many others.
But you've got to keep the act together; the ice princess. You've got to stop - wanting - to see - Leo Valdez.
When she leaves and you have done as she has ordered, you scream.
(It's a scream of terror and being trapped and fear and panic. It's also a scream of absolutely hopeless despair.
You can't just stop wanting to see Leo Valdez and you know it.
She is going to find out. Gaia is going to find out.)
eight
You hate yourself so much right now.
You're here. Again. In the middle of the cold night (except it isn't that cold for you, the ice princess, and where did your crown go by the way?) and next to the fire boy.
Leo Valdez.
He is something ... more. More than mortal men you have to unfortunately murder because they are being idiots. This one has felt pain. You've seen him interacting with his two companions. You don't have a care for either of them; they aren't stupid, oh no. They're shallow. They're selfish and wrapped up in their own tiny, absolutely inconsequential little lives that exist in a vast world, teeming with billions and trillions of lives no smaller than their own. But this one ...
This one is more.
(Stop it Khione Gaia will throw you to Tartarus stop please just stop -
This. Is. Nothing.)
nine
Every single time after you go and sneak a little glance at his (perfect) sleeping face, apprehension seeps through your immortal veins. Fear.
Of Gaia.
That short word with such a massive meaning.
Gaia the Earth Mother.
Goddess. Murdered. Destroyer.
She would kill you. She would kill you over being less than hostile with the enemy. She would kill you over this boy. She would kill you over nothing.
Except she wouldn't; she'd send you to Tartarus and that's worse.
She terrifies you. You're a bit of a coward that way; the only reason you joined was because of this fear. And you did well, yes, very well. She praised you. You were almost happy; she never has a kind word for anyone. Almost. Because you pride yourself for that title of the ice princess. Ice is hard, cold, unmoved by the whims and fancies of anyone - mortal or immortal.
But you forget that your official title is the Goddess of Snow.
Snow. Mushy, soft snow that melts as soon as you touch it.
(Anyway, princess, ice melts, too.
Where's your crown gone?
More importantly, where's your mask? Where's the act?)
ten
It hurts just a little that he's completely unaware of your existence.
He does, of course, knows that you exist. But he doesn't think about you. He doesn't think about you at all. He struggles on with that silly little quest with those shallow little lovebird friends of his. You pity him, a little. It must be hard, being the third wheel.
You could work with me. We could build our own chariot, be our own wheels.
STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT -
"Khione?"
A million screams explode in your mind. Dread paralyzes your body as you feel her creeping up and taking hold of you in your own palace. You whimper, but you're sure no one hears you.
Gaia.
You want to run, you want to flee, you -
She wraps herself around you thick. She covers you, even though she's not there. You almost feel like you're suffocating but you're a fucking goddess you can't fucking suffocate.
"Khione, I see you."
Her voice, her terrifyingly quiet, low, hum of a voice sends frantic chills down your spine. You curse yourself again because you're a fucking ice goddess you cannot get chills down your spine it is simply not something you do -
"Khione, you know what I see. And you know that I don't like what I see."
You can feel his warm skin under your long, white finger ...
Yeah, you do know what she sees.
(And she might not like it but you do.)
"... And you know that I don't like that you like what you see."
She isn't there, but you can feel her - she's amused. And she is angry.
"And you know that you should stop, don't you? You should, Khione, you really should. He is nothing."
- That word. That word, again. She's using it on purpose, isn't she?
This makes you angry. And she knows it and it delights her. You can feel her cruel amusement as she wraps more tightly around you, threatening to paralyze you.
"You know what I mean, don't you," the voice whispers menacingly, yet so soothingly. Khione gets the feeling that this is what people feel like talking to her.
But the people are supposed to be the people. Not you. You're supposed to be the one with the condescending, patronizing tone of voice, striking terror in their hearts with your words of ice.
It isn't supposed to be this way.
"I'm sorry, Khione," she hisses, softer now than usual. An echo. She's slipping away quietly, back into the earth. "But you're going to have to be able to change."
(The fire boy is a change. The fire boy is something new.
But the fire boy could get you killed.)
eleven
The very next day, she calls you to battle. The night before that you had simply stayed in the castle, pondering the meaning of nothing and change, too terrified to give in to your whim and take another little harmless, nothing glance at Leo Valdez.
And in the morning, you feel her presence crawling up your skin.
"Go, Khione," the horrible voice whispers.
And you know you must.
"Remember why you did this." The voice is much more distant now, but it rings with perfect clarity in your head. Because I was scared of you, you think. You can feel her smiling - not in a nice way. "Don't you recall - you wanted recognition?"
Her presence fades away.
That was what I told you.
(In fact, you do want recognition. But you know it isn't everything. You know that you wouldn't actually give a damn if they made a temple for you and bowed down to you. Yeah, it would be nice, but it's not what you want.
What do you want, then?)
twelve
Dread courses through every fibre of your being. But you fight hard. And after a while, it starts to become pretty easy. You haven't caught sight of Leo Valdez, just those pretty friends and a goat-man; a satyr. Maybe he isn't there. Maybe you were worried about ... nothing.
Halfway into a battle with the girl (oh, she's pathetic; that dagger of hers was supposed to be a mirror, not a weapon, silly mortal), you begin to feel a little smile bubbling up, twisting your lips.
This is easy. As long as you don't see the fire boy, this is easy.
- You see him.
Your breath catches. Your eyes widen infinitesimally. You don't have a heart, but you're sure that if you were mortal it'd be thumping wildly just about now.
He looks terribly serious, but you can see the little spark of excitement in his eyes. He yells something and starts to run towards you, and you're panicking - what do I do?
All the while, nobody notices all the turmoil going on in your mind.
Your crown's sitting nicely on your head.
Make it seem like you're wearing it.
"Fire boy," you whisper, your arm almost reaching out to touch him again before - "OW!" You shriek in pain as a streak of fire burns across your hands, melting the chunks of ice you were going to throw at the pretty girl.
"Go, Leo!" the girl screams. Her voice infuriates you.
"You could join me, son of Hephaestus," you offer, a wild idea forming in your mind. An idea involving being your own wheels and building your own chariot. "I know you find me beautiful." He does, doesn't he? Your voice gets more confident. "It would be enough for my plan if these other two were to die." We could be our own wheels, we could work together. "Reject that ridiculous destiny the Fates have given you. Live and be my champion, instead." We could build our own chariot.
A short silence follows, and you search his eyes desperately in vain. He looks angry and stubborn. "Your skills would be quite useful," you add.
Mistake.
"Yeah, join you. Right," he snorts. "Until you get bored of me and turn me into a Leosicle?" You nearly open your mouth to scream no! That's not what I - but you're smarter than that and it would tarnish your reputation of having an ice-cold heart. "Lady," he continues, "nobody messes with my dragon and gets away with it." His dragon. Oh, fuck. You knew that was a bad idea. "I can't believe I thought you were hot."
Before he's even finished, he sends another wave of heat to slap your face.
It sting so bad.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
But Gaia is laughing.
"You can't burn me," you hiss, but all conviction is lost. He's burnt you. You've lost him.
No more chariot, no more wheels.
Nothing.
"Yes, I can," is his quiet reply.
The battle goes on.
(You lose, in the end.
Maybe you shouldn't have agreed to help Gaia. But it's too late for second thoughts.)
it was nothing
Centuries after this, when he and his friends are dead and gone and the war is over, you will reflect and you will wonder.
Was it really love that you felt for the boy?
No. No, of course not. You didn't know him. He wasn't charming. He didn't do anything for you. He destroyed you. He destroyed you more than Gaia did.
Was it love?
Love is an illusion, a beautiful mist that attracts people like moths to a flame. And it burns them.
You can't burn me.
(What a lie.)
But you really did feel ... something. Something was changed. Something was different.
But maybe it really was nothing. Maybe you were simply curious about the boy and maybe you he simply thought, as he said, that you were 'hot'. What he felt for you wasn't anything but a teenage crush and what you felt for him wasn't anything other than curiosity and an imagination gone so wild that it enveloped you. For a while.
You'll pick yourself up, though. All he did was make a little mark, a burn on your dignity.
You will not ever make the mistake about feeling this way about anyone again - no god or demigod or friend or enemy. And in the end, as eons pass and the gods age, as the earth changes and millions of generations die away, Leo Valdez will be nothing but a vague and distant memory. A nothing.
But he'll always be a what if. A question mark. Something you won't ever know the answer to.
What if I wasn't such a coward?
What if I never joined Gaia?
What if we won the war, together?
Whatifwhatifwhatif - ?
(It's too late, ice princess, it's too late.)
Ω
(But it isn't the end. It is never the end.)
(I hope you don't forget him, ice princess. You'll live forever without an end and he will be nothing but a blemish on an otherwise clear-cut reputation. You might want to forget him. But I hope you don't.)
(And I don't think you will.)
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author's note
ALRIGHT SO THIS IS THE PROPER ENDING OF THIS FIC STOP HOLDING YOUR BREATH
Nope, I don't know what that was, either. But I hope you liked it, Chase! :D (I was going to do the Thaliabeth friendship thing except I got stuck on a battle scene so I wrote this in one panicked day and if I ever manage to finish the Thaliabeth I'll tell you kay because I'm sorry you had to wait so long?)
(Also I'm sorry but I have no idea how to write hurt/comfort so here you have hurt with maybe a bit of comfort if you squint and a whole lot of angst.)