Warning- I do not own anything. I do not mean any offence. I am really harmless and poor.
Yoshirin de E
Act One
A lone man stood waiting in a perfectly square, white, windowless room. He hummed occasionally and rocked backwards and forwards, but otherwise did and had nothing noteworthy to remark on. No strange protrusions coming out of his posterior, no multiple ears or extra appendages. In fact, he could easily have been a random harmless human. How dull.
Suddenly the peace was broken by a sound not unlike that of a zipper being opened.
"Haaaaiyah!" Kuwabara shouted as he leaped out of the slash he created from his dimensional sword. He landed in quite the dramatic pose, holding his weapon high and twisting his torso for the sake of looking cool like a hero from some shonen anime. After him followed the usual three- Yusuke unmotivated and lazily scratching his stomach, workaholic sleep deprived Kurama quickly surveying the new environment and being the ever cautious one, coming to stop to face what he assessed to potentially be their adversary and finally Hiei, dragged bodily out by the others when it seemed he wouldn't come by his own will. The slash sealed immediately after.
"Please stop sulking you two, concentrate on the mission," Kurama addressed his teammates while still keeping his eyes on the stranger.
"Yeah, can't be helped that I'm so much more useful than you, midget," Kuwabara gloated before turning to the stranger as well. "Hey you! Are you the dimension hopping demon? If you are, meet your doom 'cause I'm the awesome spirit detective!"
Yusuke yawned then pulled a face. "Move your ass and finish the job then, spirit detective. I need to leave in half an hour. Gotta start prepping my ramen stand."
At that, Kuwabara brandished his sword and ran towards the stranger.
"Stop, idiot," Hiei said as he extended a leg out to trip him. Kuwabara managed to jump over the leg, but stopped anyway to glare back indignantly.
Kurama, still staring at the stranger with his head titled to the side, called back attention to where it was needed. "Kuwabara-kun, take note of his energy."
Kuwabara halted mid swing, mimicked Kurama's pose and thinned his eyes. "Not youki… not reiki… wait, what?"
"And not that sei-something holy Sensui energy shit either," Yusuke added.
The stranger clapped his hands in glee then slowly, expression turning serious, pointed towards Yusuke. When Yusuke frowned and held his arm in his typical spirit gun position, the stranger walked towards him with his finger aimed at his face.
The team tensed. They had yet to know what this monster was capable of. Kurama's hand hovered near his hair. Hiei gripped his sword tighter. Kuwabara's eyes widened as he watched his best friend do nothing.
Yusuke realised something was terribly wrong. Why couldn't he release his spirit gun? The unexpectedness of it mildly vexed him. "Hey!" he shouted at his finger. Soon, the stranger had come nose to nose with him and before anything else could occur, pressed the tip of his finger to his own.
"First contact. Eeeeteee pho-ne ho-me."
They stayed like that for a surreal beat or two before the stranger pulled back with slight disappointment. "I expected a better reaction than that. That wasn't as amusing as I thought it would be."
Kurama shifted towards the Tiny One, "Hiei, can you access your energy?" he whispered urgently.
Hiei looked up sharply, and then blinked in realisation. As one, they both whipped over to face Kuwabara, whose dimension sword was nowhere to be found.
Shit, the four thought as one.
"Welcome earthlings," the monster said with his arms spread out, blond wavy hair being blown by a convenient breeze that did not exist a moment ago, "I am the king of the planet Dogura."
Yusuke landed a roundhouse kick to the monsters' stomach. Kuwabara kicked him as well while the monster was down and easily secured his arms. "Aren't you gonna help, midget?"
"I don't touch weaklings," Hiei replied, crossing his arms after sheathing his sword. "It could be contagious."
"Yeah, he's pretty lame, isn't he? Reckon we can finish this quickly then? Keiko's gonna kill me if she has to cover for me again."
Kuwabara closed his eyes and clenched his fist, then shook his head. "Can't. Won't come out."
Yusuke looked at him strangely.
"Oh right! Your sword to get us back." His face cleared briefly but clouded immediately after at the implication of them being stuck. "Yuuukiiinaaaa," he tried, waiting for a reaction.
Kuwabara shook his head.
"Yukina! Yukina! Yukina!"
Kuwabara continued to shake his head.
"Are we currently on your planet Dogura then?" Kurama asked the captured king while smiling in a way that could be described as either devastatingly charming or charmingly devastating, depending on who was asked.
"No, you're in this universes' version of earth; the planet I come to when I am bored."
At the still cheerful tone, Kurama's eyes narrowed.
The monster continued, "I'm sure you want to know what's going on so to save time, let me explain it to you. You see several days ago, I discovered the wonders of-" he paused to build up the drama"-fanfiction."
"What the frigin hell is fanfiction, Kurama?" Kuwabara interrupted.
Kurama ignored him, focusing on this so-called king.
"Google it," Hiei said rather maliciously.
"You know google?" Yusuke uttered in surprise.
"Shut up. I knew google before you were born, Yusuke."
"Rather improbable, but also irrelevant. Please if you would, continue with your explanation your Highness." The respectful tone may have been credible had the king not been restrained and used as a human (alien?) cushion by the group.
"Thank you, I graciously will. As I said, I discovered the wonders of fanfiction after declaring war on my wife for being too nice and in emo despair, searching the internet for a show that's stopped running. I then started writing my own work, one of those fourth wall breaking crossover stories where in the first chapter, the pre-existing characters are at the mercy of an army of attractive yet strangely unattractive girls who are all called Mary Sue and are saved in the second chapter by an omnipotent, kind, sassy, beautiful, powerful, pure, beautiful, godlike girl with attitude that the whole cast falls in love with called Higurashi Kagome who is really so very beautiful. She has a raven for her hair and startlingly clear, azure marbles for eyes. She smells like something vaguely holy but feminine. Maybe strawberry incense. Maybe Hello Kitty. Hmmm. Rather unoriginal I admit, but I had to start somewhere."
"Right. And what does that have to do with us?" Yusuke grumbled in apathy.
"I got bored," he explained. "I got bored, so I thought rather than me writing, why don't I get the actual characters to continue the story themselves? So then I kidnapped the actors and-"
"Who wants to do the honours?" Kuwabara interrupted, his patience lost.
The Dogura king gasped, "Kuwabara Kazuma, that was OOC! Where is your empathy? You're supposed to be the stupid, ugly, nice one! Wait, you're still stupid and ugly. Two out of three! Well done!" He wiggled a little and made a thumbs up with his still restrained arms.
"No don't kill him yet, I'm finding this interesting," Kurama said as he settled down on the floor.
"I need to leave in two minutes," Yusuke reminded them.
"Please continue," said Kurama.
"I kidnapped the main cast and sent them to a planet I custom designed so I could watch them have wacky adventures. Safety rate is ninety five percent, completion rate is forty six if you're wondering. Anyway, all was great until I realised people would notice if twelve celebrities suddenly disappeared. So." He stopped there, figuring the rest was self explanatory.
"So?"
"Haven't you ever wondered what the life of a star would be like?"
Ever the quick one, Kurama was the first to have a light bulb moment. He even snapped his hands together demonstrating a classic revelation scene. "Am I correct in believing you want us to take their places while you play with these unlucky individuals? As unlikely as it is, I might go further to hypothesise that we are fictional characters in this reality."
"Are you going to angst? Your whole life was made up by a hiatus junkie game addict married to Sailor Moon! Nothing you know is real! Your life was a lie!" The Doguran was full of hope.
Hiei grunbted and shrugged. Kuwabara looked to the others, a little unsure. Yusuke checked his watch. "Gah, I'm late! Keiko's gonna kill me!"
Kurama pointed out kindly, "Yusuke seems distressed. Perhaps that could count as angst."
The king of Dogura nodded approvingly. "See, he's IC, he knows his character acts nice even to his enemies, as long as they are noble and don't make him snap. Why can't you do better, Kuwabara, or should I say …Kuwabaka?"
"Can I kick his ass now, please?" Yusuke and Kuwabara whined in unison.
"Are you the dimension demon?" Hiei asked.
"No, but I still have your hostages?" he asked in a does-that-count tone.
"Hostages?"
"You didn't come to rescue the hostages?" The Dogura monster sounded surprised.
"We came to arrest the dimension demon that crashed Koenma's birthday party and streaked across the ball."
"Oh."
Pulling at his hair, Yusuke yelled, "fucking hell, Kuwabara! You took us to the wrong place!" They continued their wrestling, rolling on the floor. It was rather sweet, like two puppies fighting over food.
Abandoned, the king stood up and dusted himself off. "Do you want to see the hostages I've got?" he asked curiously.
"No," Hiei snapped immediately.
"I do not see why not," Kurama replied almost simultaneously.
"They're in the next room. Come," he commanded with a swish of his cloak.
. . .
"Took you long enough," Shizuru drawled from her place on the couch.
"Huh?" Yusuke uttered as he encountered a glaring Keiko.
"Of course!" Kurama cried before turning to his team. "The king mentioned twelve actors, not four."
A/N
I haven't decided whether I'll continue this fic since it was a spur of the moment thing that I wrote in one go. Thus I apologise for any errors and the scruffy prose. Now back I go to writing slash.