CHAPTER 1 : NEVER PLAN THE FUTURE BY THE PAST
Merlin sat on the sofa in his friends' London flat with his stockinged feet on the coffee table, he was miles away thinking. Soon Victoria joined him, balancing on his thighs so she could watch his every move. Finally bored, she curled her front paws under her and with a deep sigh, rested her chin on him and closed her eyes.
He thought of his life since he had met Arthur. Life was good, he had a friend whom he trusted. The bad times were still there but he had to confess that some days passed without that sickening feeling of being a failure.
He attributed it in part to his work with his current counsellor. He knew that the memories would never fade completely but they no longer commandeered his mind twenty-four seven.
He'd been told from the beginning by the medical staff at the hospital that he would be facing a long recovery, and need a counsellor to guide and support him. He had found it difficult to talk to the stranger as felt that he was just a file in the man's possession. The counsellor was cold and remote and didn't see him for what he was, a patient who was fragile having suffered abuse.
Merlin decided the university recommended therapist hadn't helped. Deep down, he felt that the man considered him guilty of encouraging an older man for the purpose of a relationship. The fact that the man in question was a well known senior veterinary professor and his patient newly hired, made it difficult for the older university counsellor to deal with this patient whom he saw bi-weekly. Why the police had not charged the man further clouded the sessions. The abuser had got away with a slap on the wrist as he had voluntarily checked himself into anger management therapy and agreed to take a sabbatical. The sex had been consensual but certainly the continuing abuse had not.
Merlin had no confidence in his therapist and slowly withdrew further into his mind.
He blamed himself for the agony he had put his mother through. She had even taken time off to spend it in Millsill with Gaius so they could look after him. Finally, Gaius his great uncle had stepped in and spoken to a friend of the family who had a practice in London. He was a good friend of Merlin's a few years older than him and he had agreed to take over his case as a favour.
Merlin was surprised with Adam's attitude, he had received all the medical and police reports and he had built up a file on him. His attitude was completely different, he made Merlin feel as if he were important and that he really wanted to help him. His attitude was noticeably more positive than the first man whom Merlin had seen and he surprised himself at his willingness to divulge the awful mess he had been in.
At times, it had been so emotional that he had been unable to speak but slowly with Adam's help, he began to accept that his abuser was an experienced man who had singled him out under the pretence of friendship. If it hadn't been him, it would have been another unsuspecting adult. They were to learn later that he had been cautioned for the same actions when he had lectured in the States.
It helped that he had known Adam for years but he still remembered the embarrassment of having to explain the degrading things that he had experienced and how he had felt. He remembered one moment when after an intense session, he had said quietly, "Adam, I wasn't bad, all I wanted to be was loved…!" He blamed himself for being so immature but with Adam's help he slowly shifted the blame onto his abuser. Adam took his time letting Merlin progress at his own speed.
Together over the year, they had reached the stage when Merlin could walk around the block without racing back to Adam's flat from an imagined pursuer. The first time it had happened, Adam had found him hiding under the kitchen table, convinced that the man had got into the flat.
When Adam was at his clinic practice, Merlin became able to answer the flat phone with only a faint suspicion in the back of his mind that it would be Neil getting in touch. He could take the train by himself down to Millsill. He even enrolled himself in a French language course. He met people and soon was able to converse normally with them.
However, unexpected events could set him off. One day, Adam's partner had returned home with a senior medical partner. Merlin had lost it and Adam had followed him as he charged out of the room and held he'd him as he thrashed around wildly. He didn't settle until the sedative Tim had prescribed had taken affect.
Tim had later apologised for being insensitive but Merlin had insisted that he himself had been at fault for being so insecure. He liked Tim and knew that he had not been malicious, it was just an honest mistake that he had not mentioned about the other cardiologist, thereby allowing Merlin to prepare himself.
Merlin had smiled weakly saying, "Sorry, I guess the good doctor will think twice about coming into this house again!"
Adam had grinned, this was more like the old Merlin.
-0-0-
He came back to the present and looked down to see Victoria. He smiled at her; she belonged to Tim but over the difficulty years, she had accepted Merlin as part of the family. He fondled her ears which correct for a King Charles Spaniel were heavily haired and pendant. She opened one eye and looked at him before leisurely closing it.
He knew what she wanted. It wasn't difficult, she'd been out in the garden, had her breakfast and if Merlin wasn't doing anything, which he obviously wasn't, she'd like to go out for a walk.
Without any intonation in his voice and spelling the keys words, he said, "Would you like to g-o for a w-a-l-k?" She lazily thumped her tail on his knees when she heard his voice. He said again, "Want to g-o o-u-t?" he decided that dogs didn't really understand spelling unless they were trained to or there were other visible clues, like standing up and walking to the door.
He tried again, "Veux-tu faire une promenade?" That produced no reaction so Merlin added, "Guess, Tim and Adam have never taken you to Paris!"
She stretched and her paws hit him where no righteous man likes to be hit, He said, "Ou…!" She looked at him, hearing a key word and not waiting for the final consonant, woofed as if to say finally and walked over him to reach the sofa before dropping to the floor and racing out of the room. He knew he would find her sitting in the kitchen looked beseechingly at her collar and leash hanging on the back of the door.
Served him right he thought for teasing her. He decided he had time to take a quick jaunt around the square before hopefully hearing from Arthur.
-0-0-
As they sauntered around the square, Merlin was again deep in thought. As he got his life more on an even keel, he'd spent a lot of time with his uncle in Millsill, helping him in his veterinary practice. He had managed to return to his position at the university after two years absence during which time he had been classified as on official sick leave. He'd got himself a new flat closer to his friends and tried to forget all about Neil Carver.
One week in Spring, he was working for Gaius who was away and he had delivered a foal at the Throgmorton Highland Pony Stud outside Millhill. He grinned to himself; he had met the rather obnoxious son of the owner and something had taken root.
"Ice cream?" he said to Victoria and together they picked up speed and made their way to a little corner shop which sold necessities. He paid for one cone and an extra empty one then sat in the park and Merlin gave Victoria little pieces of her cone. The first time they had done this, he had just given her the whole thing. She had demolished it in seconds and then looked at him pleadingly until he had shared the bottom of his. This resulted in thawing ice cream dripping on his jeans and he had had to eat up fast.
He remembered going to supper at Throgmorton the Pendragon home, once his uncle had returned. Arthur was present with a friend called Gawaine from the city and also Uther Pendragon. The meal had been interesting not as much for the food as for the behaviour of the man he had classified as a git after first meeting him in the barn. He had then returned to Cambridge.
"Come on we'd better get going as Arthur will be phoning." He smiled, he wondered if Arthur had realised what he was biting off when he had met him in London the following Friday at The Naked Knight and asked him if he could see him the following day. Poor man, he had been thrown into a world he had never expected but Merlin could say proudly that Arthur had stood by him.
By the time, they returned to the house, Victoria decided that she had had an exhausting morning and went to have a lie down and Merlin got ready to meet Arthur. He hoped that they would be going out. Merlin decided Arthur was a real trooper, he wondered how well he himself would have received the news if it pertained to someone he knew…and liked.
-0-0-
Arthur had not slept well. His mind wouldn't let him rest. It would seem to be blank and then some of the things which Adam had told him had happened to Merlin way before he met him would insinuate themselves into his mind and he'd be off again worrying.
He walked out onto his balcony all the city lights were still on, he didn't want to know the time as it was immaterial. He was also worried because, he had never heard back from Merlin. He had promised to phone him and he hadn't.
He thought, 'If I had shared those events, I would be afraid deep down that the person I had told, once he had escaped from the house would have had second thoughts about having anything to do with me.' Hopefully, that was not the way Merlin felt as he had no intention of walking away from their friendship.
He really liked the man and in the silence of his heart he substituted the word love. It was too soon to discuss that but they got on so well together and Merlin's smile and touch did something to him which made him feel like Christmas and all his birthdays had been rolled into one.
It was something new for him. How had he managed to get so far in his life without looking at another man? He didn't understand. He'd spent his whole life at a boys only boarding school and he had never had an interest in anyone apart from their athletic prowess and in Gawaine's case his all round mad attitude to life. He'd had his fair share of escapades with the fairer sex but they were always the result of being thrown together for social functions. He's never gone looking for their company but he hadn't refused it if it were offered. He laughed to himself, 'As long as there were out of his condo by morning!' No one had ever made him feel as he did when he was thinking about Merlin.
…and that awful man had abused him, taking away his innocence and inflicting his will on him. Arthur let his mind wander. If he had met Merlin earlier, he might have been able to change the course of events but he hadn't and although when Merlin visited his great-uncle Gaius who was his father's friend and vet, he was only ten minutes by car away from Gaius's yet he had never met his great-nephew.
He smiled into the darkness, reliving that moment during the supper with Gaius, Gawaine, Merlin and his father when it had suddenly hit him. He had been looking at Merlin when suddenly, he had lifted his eyes and made direct contact with his. He was thrown by the intensity of the feeling and had retreated into his shell like a shocked snail. He wanted to stop everything and just gaze at Merlin. Gawaine had teased him afterwards for sitting like a sack of potatoes and not saying anything but it was beyond his power to form a sane sentence. It was then that he knew that his life to that point was over, he had met a man whose very existence was challenging him. He was drawn to him, he fascinated him and little did he know then, but Merlin felt the same way.
He knew he should be getting into bed and at least trying to sleep. He wouldn't be very good company tomorrow if all he did was yawn and try to keep his eyes open.
How had Merlin survived all those months of abuse? He was obviously very strong mentally.
It made him sick to think of what Merlin had suffered not only the physical but also the mental abuse. Would he have survived that?
He sat on the edge of the bed and clicked on his TV and hoped that it might help him fall asleep. He tried to remember the fun things they had done, he knew for Merlin the trip down to Greenwich and seeing the poppies at the Tower had pleased him but he felt that also he had enjoyed just sitting with him and talking. He remembered the kiss blown from the Cambridge train and then the dark thoughts had returned.
He'd been unable to reach him by phone it was as if he had disappeared at one point he wondered if maybe he had done something wrong but how could he find out and apologise if Merlin refused to answer his calls. Then that strange voice and he had realised that something was wrong.
He was limited in contacts, he couldn't speak to Merlin's mother or Gaius as he didn't want to worry them and then he had realised whom he should call...Adam! He knew approximately where he lived, the street if not the exact number but it was a Georgian house, which he thought had black and white tiled stairs leading up to a door which he seemed to remember as blue.
Sleep still evaded him and he decided to continue in his train of thought as maybe when he reached the immediate past, he would be able to sleep. He'd been in Kenya during all this fiasco and had contacted Gawaine and asked him to get him a number for the people whom Merlin stayed with when he spent his weekends in London. He knew them only as Adam and Tim.
Gawaine had come through and soon, the hunt for Merlin was underway and he was found a captive chained to a bed in the cellar of the house where his flat had been. Held captive by the very man who had abused him years ago. The police were involved and Merlin was hospitalised.
He felt himself getting more tired, he had just a few more facts to straighten out. Merlin had returned to London with Adam and once Arthur was back in England, he had agreed that Merlin if he would like to see Arthur, could invite him to their house. Little did he know what he was in for when he had accepted to go to Adam's for lunch.
His heart started racing as he again saw Merlin's expression as he asked Adam to explain his unfortunate relationship with Dr. Carver. Merlin had lost all colour in his face, it had gone grey and expressionless as he was obviously reliving the situations he had found himself in. Arthur at one point had wanted to cover his ears and tell Adam to stop but one glance at Merlin had told him that it was his story and he had the courage to share the whole nasty mess with him. The least he could do was support him by listening. He remembered slipping his hand in his and receiving a brief squeeze.
Deep down he knew that Adam had given him a sanitised version of the events as it was up to Merlin if he ever wanted to, to go further. Arthur could again feel the horror as Merlin himself began to explain a few things. Of all the people in the world, why had that man had to have been in the same faculty as Merlin?
Then happier thoughts had taken over. Merlin had survived, he had wanted Arthur to know what had happened to him and…he had let him accompany Victoria and him on a walk around a park and had seemed happy to receive the little giraffe from Nairobi.
Suddenly, he sees Merlin at university, there is a shade following him and he doesn't seem to realise. Arthur tries to catch his attention but he seems oblivious to his calls as if he is purposely ignoring him.
Arthur doesn't want to be brushed off like that. He speeds up as do Merlin and the shade, in the end he is racing along the Broads and being outdistanced by Merlin and his follower.
Exhausted, Arthur sits on a bench, his head in his hands. He is determined to save Merlin whether he realises the danger he is in or not.
He feels someone beside him and realises he's not alone Merlin is there.
He begs, "Hang onto me, Arthur, I don't want to go…don't let me go…I want to stay here with you."
He is rudely jerked away by a chain around his wrist. Arthur gets only a quick glimpse of the man who is leading him away. He's a knight in full armour, wearing a helmet with a visor down. His cloak is green as is the plume on his helmet. Merlin is wearing untidy trousers, a blue shirt, leather jacket and a kerchief.
Arthur looks down and sees his own chain mail and red cloak. The green knight doesn't have a chance against a Knight of Camelot. He swings his sword and decapitates Merlin's captive.
Merlin falls to the ground and Arthur carries him into his bed. He covers him with a duvet and lies beside him and falls asleep.
-0-0-
Arthur woke and reached for Merlin, his bed was empty and he realised it had been a dream. Merlin had never phoned him last night. He wondered if he should phone him later but remembering that both Tim and Adam were going to work he decided it would make more sense to phone now but speak to Adam to see if Merlin had told him why he had never phoned last night.
The phone call explained everything, in the background he heard Tim talking to Merlin asking about breakfast.
He smiled when later Merlin phoned, apologising for not calling and explained about the sleeping pill…
"Are we getting together today?" Merlin asked and Arthur smiled…he had spent the night worrying about nothing.
The title is from Letters To a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke 1875-1926. 'Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other.'