Darry's words still rang in Pony's ears; he replayed them over and over in his head staring blankly at the ceiling. It's amazing he thought how one sentence can upheave everything you had ever believed in. The hollow echo of Darry's words carried all the weight in the world but simultaneously it felt like an empty sentence devoid of all meaning otherwise it might mean everything.

One week earlier:

Pony woke up with a start hearing the rarely used phone in his dorm ring persistently. He rubbed his eyes and reached for the phone wondering who in the world would want to call him.

"Hullo?" he muttered rubbing his sleepy eyes.

"Pony is that you? I have some news" the voice on the other end of the phone was Darry. Pony suddenly felt more awake than he had been two minutes ago. A phone call from Tulsa to New York was not cheap so this had to be important for Darry.

"Darry, how's it going" Pony suddenly felt an inexplicable dread settle in his chest as he waited for Darry to respond.

"Pony, it's Soda" Darry's voice was dangerously quiet as if he said it any louder the news would come true. The dread spread to his arm and suddenly Pony's tongue felt dry and too heavy to speak afraid to ask Darry the question that would confirm everything. "Pony he's dead."

Pony stared blankly, unmoving thinking it's amazing who those 3 words completely immobilized him. His fist clenched the sheets his heart begging his mind to think of something other than Soda. Soda- the brother that Pony had his entire life; the brother he had never lived without until now; the brother that slipped him the occasional cigarette on the porch; the brother that pretended to be Darry signing one of Pony's bad grades. The brother he could not live without./

The lump in Pony's throat refused to go away and the glass of water at his nightstand was already empty. Pony stared at the door wondering if he should get up for another glass. The heaviness he felt in his chest that day he heard the news seemed to have settled and spread to his limbs.

"Hey man, you should go to class you know. Prof Jackson has been asking about you" his roommate gave him a pitiful smile knowing Pony needed the week off to process. But Pony didn't have the heart to tell him it was more than just processing, this was worse than when his parents died. At least then, he had Soda and Darry. The thought of Soda flooded him with grief again and his heart throbbed with pain.

Pony mustered the energy to get up after his roommate gave up encouraging him to go to class. He walked himself to a train station and watched himself ask for a one-way ride to Tulsa, Oklahoma. The ride back home felt like a dream to Pony his eyes glassed over as he sullenly watched the trees and mountains give way to an ocean of grass. He dropped his duffel bag down on the porch before hesitantly reaching for the doorbell.

Darry opened the front door expecting another goddamn overbaked casserole from someone sending their condolences. 'Thanks, fo- Pony? How did you end up here" Darry quickly recovered from surprise before letting him in.

"I need some time off Darry I can't keep doing this" Pony dropped his bag on the couch staring blankly at the toys littered over the coffee table. Darry had another life now- a child, and Pony suddenly got a feeling he shouldn't have come home.

"Damn it I meant to clean up her toys its just that we've been trying to plan his funeral you know? I don't know when they'll be sending the body back, but the men they told me that h-he's mainly in one piece" Darry hesitated watching Pony's face glaze over and suddenly he saw his brother once ready for the city was now skinny and gaunt.

The funeral. Pony forgot they had to plan Soda's funeral, the lump in his throat returned as he tried to breathe in steadily.

"I need a smoke" He swiftly pulled a half-finished pack of smoke out his back pocket and slid past Darry and out the door, never turning back.

Pony wandered down the streets wishing Soda would be at DX waiting for him with a bottle of coke and grease smudged on his hands and face. He even wished that Steve was there to make fun of him for clinging on to Soda. Pony found himself in the parking lot where he and Johnny used to lay down and watch the sky. Deciding that the patch of grass slowly growing through the cracks of the lot was the best place to sit, Pony pulled out the third cigarette his hands steadier this time as he felt the rush of nicotine in his blood calming him down.

"You know they've been saying that those things ain't good for you" Pony turned to see Randy walking towards him grinning as he took a seat next to Pony."But it's not like we the hick people of Tulsa listen to them government officials anyways right" Randy chuckled and pulled out his own lighter and lit a stray cigarette in his pocket.

"You know I heard about Soda," he trailed off taking another inhale from his cigarette "it's a shame you know, young men being sent to fight for this load of bullshit. Telling us to go fight the commies while they sit there on their fat asses getting rich off of this war."

Pony glanced over at Randy "You don't know what you're talking about. They don't draft people like you"

"What's that supposed to mean? You mean my daddy's got money? Well, ain't got daddy's money anymore to protect me now" Randy let out a bitter laugh "He's okay with me coming home smelling like grass and drunk out of my mind. Hell, if I walked home with a woman twice my age he'll pat me on the back and tell me 'well-done son'. BUT the minute he hears that his son is a fucking queer he disowns me" Randy kicked the loose gravel and takes a long drag before letting out a trail of smoke.

Pony stared ahead and thought of the thousand wars he had inside of himself. The thought of Darry right before college calling him an abomination, telling him it was just confusion.

Through the haze of his fifth cigarette Pony stared Randy dead in the eyes, an understanding passing between the two and Pony wasn't thinking when he leaned in to taste the smoke on Randy's lips. /

For the first time since New York, Soda wasn't on his mind.