Family. What is family? Is it a bunch of people all connected to each other because of one particular gene? Are they a family because they all went through the same type of event? How did the world get sooo screwed up? So many things were going through my mind as I sat on my couch drinking a beer and watching the 12 o'clock news, seeing all the destruction and chaos this world has gotten into. I can't help but smile and think of how blessed I am to have the family I do.Ugh it is defiantly time for bed I say to myself as I turn off my TV and go into my kitchen to throw out my can. I walk down my hallway and cant help but look at the pictures on the wall, I stop for a second and reminisce of the time that has gone and see the people we all once were hanging in the frames. "Wow, where did the time go" I say to myself almost above a whisper. I smile and look at the picture the biggest and yet in someway the most important. Ashley had it blown up for my 20th birthday; she knew how much I loved this photo. It was of my prom night 14 years ago, it's me and my 6 best friends in the door way of my adolescent home. We were getting ready to leave and my dad being the man he was wanted to capture everything so he yelled to us to turn around were all making funny faces and just enjoying being young and loving life.
"Clay" I blink back the tears that I realized have formed as I look at my oldest brother in the picture. Clay Joseph Carlin, my favorite brother, I know your not supposed to have a favorite brother but I couldn't help but love him more then Glen. You see when I was 6 years old we adopted Clay from foster care. I remember when he came in the house he was really shy at first, I was building a huge Lego city in the living room and glen kept knocking it down my mom went to cook dinner and dad went to fill paper work out so it was us 3 kids. I had just gotten my city built and had made the "tallest" building in the world when I saw glen driving his Tonka truck right into it. He knocked it down and destroyed my city that I had worked so hard on. So I did what every other 6 year old would do I cried, and glen ran away. As I was crying I felt a hand on my back I looked up and found my self looking in the prettiest brown eyes. "Heyy don't cry ill help you fix it. I'm clay" "hi clay, I am" he cut me short " Spencer , yea I know dad err umm Mr. Carlin told me , umm I don't know if any one told you but I am you new brother" she smiled and fumbled with his shoes " you are!" I squealed in my child like voice "so you're going to stay forever and ever?" I searched his face for an answer hoping for the one I knew it would be "forever and ever" he smiled " common Spence lets rebuild your city" he said as we sat down.
"Forever and ever" whispered to myself thinking of my brother and how much I really do miss him. It made me think about that night. The night that changed my entire life forever. The night my 18 year old brother was shot and killed at our own prom, and the love of my life was almost lost to another. It's a night I try to not think about often because it brings back such bad memories. I can feel my stomach turn with every though of what was to become my life. I turned away from the picture, I couldn't go back to that place again my life was great now I had to leaver those memories and thoughts behind even if it meant leaving Clay with them for just a little while.
As I made my way up the stairs thinking of the past and what had happened in my life I passed by my children's rooms. I remember my room when I was a child and how my mom always said that going in and watching you children sleep is the greatest gift. Never really understood that until I did it with my oldest daughter. Each of my children have their own room, so every night I sneak in and just for a moment watch them sleep, it so surreal watching little people you have created dream of life and what will happen to them. It seems like nothing can touch a child when they are in never never land.
I come to my oldest daughters' room and see the nameplate hanging from her door JULIEANNA it read in big multicolor letters. I walked in and saw my daughter sprawled out on the bed one leg out of the covers and the other out, my arms were above her head and her mouth was wide open. Hair was everywhere and her face was like an angel, she often reminded me of Ashley, especially when she slept.
Her full name was Julieanna Kyla Carlin-Davis, her name was a bit unique I know but Ashley insisted that none of our children have normal names, and the middle names had to be of someone that had influenced our lives. I smiled as I sat in the chair in her room thinking of when we were picking out names as new parents. The name had to be perfect, Ashley wanted Annabelle from her favorite movie Loving Annabelle, but Annabelle was getting to popular I wouldn't have it. I wanted her to be named after my favorite book, Romeo and Juliet; I thought Juliet was a classy yet unique name. But Ashley refused saying she was not going to have her first child named after a psycho chick who poisoned herself. I was actually surprised she had read the story. So after weeks of fighting to the death, yelling screaming tears and broken hearts we finally decided on a name. My mom actually thought of it, we were at the Carlin Sunday dinner and she was like girls why not just combine both the names and make it Julie from Juliet and Anna from Annabelle? And you'll have a Julieanna.
I came out of my memory of my daughter and looked around her room, it was green and yellow, her two favorite colors it was a regular girls room, and it had a starry ceiling. Aunt Chelsea did a mural of the little mermaid for her in the side wall, she looked that painting. My eyes fell upon my daughter again, I saw the brown locks fall on her face just like Ashley's do, she had tan skin and could probably Ashley's twin if you stood them next to each other. I always knew I wanted to carry a child, it was just an instinct I had so when ash and I decided to have kids I knew I would be carrying her. But little did I know Ashley had been thinking about it to. We were lying in bed one night when I heard barley above a whisper Ashley ask if she could carry the baby. I never thought she would want to but she explains that after losing her child when she was 16 she wanted that feeling again. How could I say no to that?
So on may 10 at 6 am Julieanna Kyla (after Ashley's sister that had always helped us out and believed in us thought everything) was born, she came out with the biggest brownest eyes you ever saw. Just like Ashley. That had to be the happiest day of my life, I couldn't believe someone so small could affect me in the way she did. The first time I held her brought tears to my eyes knowing that she would be mine no matter what.
"Good night baby" I whispered into her ear as I kissed her cheek
"Night mommy" she yawned not opening her eyes but knowing it was me watching over her like every other night. She may look like Ashley and act like her father, oh I forgot to mention him. Her biological father is my older brother Glen; we wanted our children to look like us as much as possible and since Ashley was carrying her Glen said he would help out. So anyway she may act like him, but she and I have this connection that couldn't be any stronger if she was my own. I slip out of her room and close the door heading to the next one but before entering thinking of how blessed I am to have another Ashley Davies in my life and maybe just maybe this time I can change her for the better.