Happy holidays, everyone! I know I don't say this enough, but what I'm most grateful for is all of you. This fandom has truly changed my life. I have made so many new friends and have done so many things I never dreamed I could do. This past year has truly been life changing. I've met so many new, amazing people and published my very first book. While it may not be perfect, I'm proud because it's mine. As cheesy as it sounds, writing for this fandom has truly changed my life. Honestly, I feel like I'm a different person because of it. For so long, I felt like I was just aimlessly moving through life and now, I feel like I finally found something I love to do.
In 2019, I hope to write every single day. I hope to finish all of my fanfics and start some new ones that I've been thinking about for a while now. I hope that you all keep reading, reviewing, and reaching out to me. Seriously, writing this stuff makes me so happy. It's definitely the highlight of my day and I would love to do it forever!
Just a warning, this story isn't perfect. I wrote it and did a quick proofread before posting (and God knows I'm really bad at freaking proofreading) so I'm sure there are some errors. But I tried my best and wanted you guys to be able to read it this Christmas. So, without further ado, here's my Christmas one-shot!
"Southpaw Christmas"
I bled for this.
The roars from the crowd were a buzz in the back of my mind. At first, my moves had been strategic but now, I wanted him to bled, too. I put my weight into every single move; moving faster and faster until my mind flipped off and my body moved on its own accord. I almost smiled at the feel of his slick skin against my fist and breathed a sigh of relief as I felt his ribs crunch against my knuckles.
Go down and stay down. Go down and stay down, you fucker!
I saw black as my head jarred back, reacting to his fist against my cheek. Shouts from the crowd thundered in my brain and I wanted to scream, too. I wanted to tell everyone to fuck off. Rage bubbled inside me as my head snapped back forward and my vision cleared. I tasted blood and I smiled as I rushed toward him, cornering him against the ring.
Go the fuck down… just go the fuck down. My heads ringing and my muscles are screaming… Why can't you stay the fuck down?
"Speed, Cullen. Speed! Keep him cornered!"
I didn't need to hear this; my fists were already moving, slamming into his torso with every ounce of strength I had. Until he pushed me off, sending me into the middle of the ring as he gathered his strength. He wanted this… but I wanted this so much fucking more. I needed the money more. And fuck, I wanted to leave here with my fucking pride.
"He's cut! He's fucking cut!"
Mom, I'll win for you. I'll fucking win for you ma'.
A punch to my cheek sent my head spinning and time seemed to still for a moment as I gazed out at the blurry faces in the crowd. Under the lights, it was hard to make out facial features-however, I couldn't miss her. Fuck, was she beautiful.
You can't let a girl like that watch you fall. Stop thinking so Goddamn much. Wear him the hell out!
"You got this!" I heard a female voice holler.
I imagined the voice was from the beautiful girl from before as I slammed as hard as I could. As my body propelled forward, I smiled, finally feeling freed. I felt him wearing out-I could see it in his eyes. They were bloodshot and defeated. With slumped shoulders, he kept coming at me. He was protecting his left side.
He's protecting his left side… I must've fucked his ribs up real good… If I keep driving, I have this fight.
I met his gaze and in that moment, I knew he knew. He knew this was over. One more round and he's done.
"Do it, Ed!" I heard the female voice holler again.
After knocking his head back, I took my chance, aiming for the ribs. My right fist powered forward and I hit his left side once, twice, thrice before he finally started swaying on his feet. With a female voice cheering me on, I brought my fist up, slamming it against his right cheek, effectively sending him to the ground.
Stay the fuck down this time.
As they counted, I strode around the ring, watching him, waiting for him to make his move. He's done. His ribs are too fucked… he's done. His body started to twitch on the ground and I smiled as my people hopped the ropes and came rushing toward me.
"Fuck, Ed! Again! I knew you could-"
I stalked off, no longer giving a fuck about anything else besides finding that girl.
"Ed, where you going?"
"I'll be back in a sec."
Sliding through the ropes, I ignored my throbbing muscles and the blood on my face. If she were here, I doubted she would give a damn about that sort of thing, anyway. She can't be fucking squeamish. I may have only caught a glimpse of her face, but I believed I could pick the brunette out of a crowd.
I dodged around people and avoided conversations as I searched for her. There were women - beautiful women - but they weren't her. Not my angel from before. Where the hell did this chick run off to… I felt like a fucking idiot as I roamed throughout the crowd, finding everyone but the one person I want to fucking see.
God… I need a smoke.
"Ed! Come on, Mac wants to talk to you. What are you gonna leave without your money?"
I threw Jasper a glance over my shoulder before I shrugged.
"I'll be back in a bit. Can't you talk to him? I thought that's what I kept you around for."
He scoffed but didn't argue, turning to walk back to get a drink. Turning on my heel, I move to find the redhead from this afternoon. I left my coat with her… didn't I? She wanted to keep it for "good luck" or some shit like that? What's her name… ? Fuck, I can't remember… Alyssa... ? Alexa…? God, I know it started with an "A."
"Ed! Babe, you did so well!"
Amber. It's fucking Amber.
"Don't call me that," I responded casually as my eyes searched for my jacket.
She paused for a moment, seemingly dazed, before an awkward smile tugged on her lips. She looked hurt and I should have felt like an asshole, but she knew what she was getting into. She had known last night… and this morning, too.
"So, after you wrap things up, you wanna get out of here?"
"I don't know," I said, my eyes brightening as my gaze fell on my jacket. Reaching for it, I gave her a stiff smile before I continued, "See you."
"See you, Ed," she responded, the hopefulness in her tone slowly fading.
The hollers around me were a blur in my mind as I pushed my way to the door, keeping my head down-not sensing that girl from earlier anywhere close. Her presence was too consuming not to notice. As I moved, I tried to make sense of the way that girl made me fucking feel. The way her voice made me fucking feel. A girl with a sweet voice like that… she has to be something fuckin' special.
I grinned as the cold air hit my face, cringing as my split lip stung like a bitch. Fucking great. My tongue darted out, liking the blood away as my eyes scanned the streets. She couldn't have gone far… could she have? Dirty snow, tire tracks, trash… tons of shit, leading to nothing but disappointment. Fuck, she's already gone.
As I turned on my heel, moving to go back inside, returning to whatever-the-fuck-her-name-was, I heard it. I heard her voice, recognizing it instantly.
"I know. I know. Jake, I told you, it's over. I'm not coming back. Stop calling me, stop texting me, stop driving by my house. It has to end-it's over!"
She was huddled near the side of the building, leaning against the brick with her face down and her hood up, hiding her hair. I could barely make out her features, but I was certain this was my girl.
"I'm hanging up now, Jake." She paused as I moved toward her, not noticing me as she slammed her hand against the brick, frustrated with her phone call. "I know it's Christmas. That doesn't change anything."
Suddenly, her eyes shoot up and widened as they meet mine. Fuck… Big, brown doe eyes. Jesus. I never knew I liked this in a woman, but goddamn. The things I could do to this one…
"Jake, I've got to go, now… No… Jake, that's not an invitation to call again. Good-bye."
"Yo."
Her inquisitive stare makes me smile. What's this chick thinking?
"I saw you in there…" I continued, awkward as I lifted my busted hand to point toward the venue. She nodded, still silent as she watched me.
Jesus, am I going to have to do all the talking? I had never been much of a talker; I never had to be too social in the past. I liked to fight, drink, and fuck. Everything else just felt like filler to me.
"Yeah," she finally spoke up, smiling slightly. "I saw you, too."
She was shy. I kind of liked that. She wasn't much of a talker, either.
"So… what'd ya think back there?"
"Of your fight, or you?"
I grinned and licked my busted lip as I looked at her.
"Both."
Her lips twitched and while she seemed to be trying to play it cool, it seemed like she wanted to smile at this. What I wouldn't give to see this chick smile at me…
"They were both fine." She smirked, dropping her gaze.
I shifted on my heels, wondering what the hell I should say next. God, I'm not used to trying so fucking hard. I thought I liked it better when they did all the work. But, hell, maybe I do like a fucking challenge. I stared at her, trying to think of the last time I had acted so fucking awkward.
"Just fine?" I teased. "I kicked his fucking ass."
"I guess."
"You guess? What, were you there to see that prick?" I asked with a scoff.
"No."
"Why were you there, then?"
"Honestly?" she asked, stepping forward and allowing me to see her face better.
She was pretty. More than fucking pretty. She was beautiful. The street light beamed down on her, casting shadows across her features, bringing my eyes to rest on her plump bottom lip. I wonder what that sweet mouth would feel like against mine…
"Honestly," I replied, stepping forward, too.
"I was just passing by."
"Bullshit."
"No, it's true. I used to watch fights with my dad when I was little, but this isn't really my scene."
"What is 'your scene,' then?"
"I don't know… I guess I don't have one," she said, gently laughing at herself.
"You here alone, then?"
"Why? You interested?" she teased me.
I like it when she teases me.
"Do I look interested to you?"
"You look interested in everyone," she retorted, making me grin.
"Maybe you're right about that. So, what do you say? Want to do something? I can't let a beautiful piece like you spend Christmas all alone."
"Who said I was spending it alone?"
"Well, you're here just wondering around… figured you didn't have plans."
She was silent. The way she was looking at me actually made me fucking nervous. When was the last time I felt fucking nervous like this? My first fight? God, not even then… This was fucking different.
"Okay, maybe you have plans. But, do you really want a guy like me to spend his night drinking alone?"
Silent, I waited. Silent, she waited, too. Silent fucking night, indeed.
"Okay. One drink… I don't want to be out all night."
With a shit-eating grin, I looked at her, hoping our night together wouldn't disappoint.
"One drink. But, if you want to stay for a few more, I won't stop you."
Her eyes widened as I reached forward and grabbed her hand, gently pulling her forward, leading her to my favorite bar. I stuffed my left hand in my jacket pocket, trying to forget about the sting. As much as it fucking hurt, I liked it. It felt like a fucking win. I could still feel the sensation of my knuckles hitting bone. Speaking of my fucking win…
I stopped in my tracks, pulling the beautiful brunette against my side.
"I got to get my earnings. Could you wait a sec?"
Her eyes widened slightly. "I guess I could."
"Kay, babe, don't go anywhere. I'll be back," I said, leaving her by the venue, under the street lights, as I ran back inside.
I pushed through the crowd, experiencing tunnel vision as I looked for my guy. Tonight, I wasn't having any of his stalling. I wasn't going to let him run me around in fucking circles. I wanted to get out and find my girl. My girl… God, did I even ask for her fucking name? I'm such an idiot…
"Ed! Buddy, where'd you go? We've been looking for you and April-whatever the fuck her name is-is looking for you."
"April? Do I know an 'April,'" I replied as I reached Jasper. Why does he think I care about this shit?
"Geez, Ed. I don't know. I don't keep track of who you fuck. They come to me asking for you."
"Yeah, whatever. Can you just give me the cash. I need to get going. I've got a girl waiting?"
"April?" he teased.
"Quit it with the 'April' shit. I'm ready to go and she's waiting for me. If she ain't there when I get back, man…"
"All right, all right. Ease up, will you? You act like I've been nothing but a pain in your ass."
Before I could open my mouth to respond, he cut me off, giving me my share.
"Now, don't be blowing this all on one girl, okay?"
"Geez, Jasper, who are you? My fucking dad?" I asked with a smile, counting up the cash before I stuffed it in my jean pocket. "Have a Merry Christmas, all right? I'm sure your kids are probably wondering where you're at."
"Eh, I doubt it. They're probably more focused on their games than anything else."
"You're right." I laughed. "Who could miss a guy like you?"
"Geez, get the fuck out of here, Ed. Have fun with your girl."
"See you."
"Yeah, yeah," he said, waving me off.
I pushed back through the crowd, which was thinning now, and made my way out into the night; the only thing I wanted now, was to see that woman's face again. And to learn her name. What I saw before me stopped me in my tracks. The fuck?
My jugular vein fucking twitched as I witnessed some asshole leaning over her-interfering with what's mine. I pulled my pack of smokes out of my pocket before leisurely moving toward the pair. I'd take the girl and be on my way. I didn't have time for this bullshit.
"Yo."
Their eyes turned at the sound of my voice. The girl's eyes widened before she appeared almost grateful. The man's, however, flashed with annoyance, which made me grin. What the hell did he think he was going to do? I'd like to see him try to do anything. I'd love to put him on his ass.
"You ready to go, babe? The bars ain't gonna' be opened all night."
She slung her purse over her shoulder and turned toward me. Brushing the man off, she moved to stand by my side, peering up at me under her bangs. Without a second thought, I threw my arm around her shoulder, pulling her against me.
"So, Bella, you're not going to let me take you out, then?"
My brows twitched and my gaze shot to meet the asshole in front of me. He knows her fucking name? Does she know this dick, or did she just give her name up to him easily? Is she making me work … ? Or was this asshole just smart enough to ask her … ?
"Jake, not tonight," she replied dismissively.
It's the fucker from the phone call … Should I ask her 'bout him? Fuck, probably not.
"But, Bella-"
"She said not tonight," I interrupted, over this conversation. Turning on my heel, I pulled her away, feeling unsatisfied. What a shit way to hear her name for the first time. I wanted to hear it falling from her lips …
"Bella!" the asshole, Jake, hollered.
I stiffened and decided I would scare the fucker off. Just as my arm fell from Bella's shoulder, she stiffened, too.
"Ed, don't," she whispered. "He's not worth it, okay?"
As much as I wanted to release the anger boiling inside of me, I didn't want to piss Bella off. If she didn't want me to hurt him, I wouldn't hurt him. After a deep breath, I brought my arm up to rest around her shoulder again, and smiled slightly as she relaxed against me.
When I wanted something, I worked my ass off and got it. And tonight, I wanted her. Nothing good is ever easy. So, if I had to dull myself - censor myself - for her, I would. Pulling out a cigarette, I placed it between my lips before grabbing a light with my free hand. Inhaling, I lit the smoke and slid my lighter back into my jacket pocket before taking a long drag. As the nicotine filled my lungs, I felt myself relax.
"Let's go grab a drink, okay? That sound good, B?"
"'B'?" she questioned, smiling slightly as we made our way down the snow-covered sidewalk.
"Yeah, B," I confirmed, smiling, too. "I like that, don't you?"
She shrugged as her smile grew. "It's familiar … "
"Well, I think we'll become pretty familiar with each other, don't you?"
She shrugged again. She sure as hell likes to shrug. Maybe this is just her way of teasing me.
"I think it's a possibility."
"A possibility?" I countered as I gave her shoulder a squeeze. "So, who was that guy?"
"Oh, him. Don't worry about him."
"I'm not worried … just curious, is all."
"Well, he's in the past. It doesn't matter. I don't see why he has to come and mess with me like this."
"He followed you here?"
"Yeah, I guess he figured why I came. Probably wanted to distract me."
"Why did you come? What had a girl like you coming to a place like this on Christmas?"
She smiled slightly before digging into her bag. Pulling out a camera, she responded, "I wanted to take some pictures. It's a project for one of my classes … I saw you fight before and wanted to capture it." She blushed, shaking her head. "Sounds pretty dorky," she mumbled.
I chuckled, pulling her more firmly against my side. "So, you're a photographer, then?"
"I don't know if I would go that far. I'm just an ameatuer."
"But you take pics?"
"Yeah … I've been published a few times … but I've never captured anything extraordinary."
"Maybe you did tonight. I'm a pretty extraordinary subject, after all," I teased.
"You were extraordinary. No one could keep their eyes off you."
"Can I see the pics?"
She pulled her camera away from my grasp, lowering it back into her purse. I frowned.
Seeing my face, she quickly responded. "I would show them to you if I could. But it's not a digital camera. I have to develop them to see what they look like."
"So, I guess we'll have a reason to see each other again."
"I guess so."
We continued to walk for a while in silence, inching closer to my favorite dive bar. I wanted something quiet. I needed to clear my mind before I lived out the rest of the night. Originally, I had planned on doing this alone. I didn't need or want anyone to go with me. Honestly, I didn't know if I could fucking bear it. There's a side of me no one sees and I wanted to keep it that way - until I saw her. For some odd fucking reason, I wanted Bella near me tonight. For the first time in a long time, I didn't want to be alone. Could I do this alone … ?
"So, you're pretty shy, aren't you?"
"Shy? I guess," she replied with a meek smile. "Not as shy as I used to be."
"Hmm, I guess you're not really that shy now. You're here with me, after all. Just quiet. I like quiet … I'm pretty quiet, too."
"Really? You don't strike me as a timid guy."
I smirked; I knew how I must appear to her. With tattoos covering my neck, arms, and torso and faint scars littering my face, I knew I looked fucking harsh. I liked my appearance; it kept people away. Not everyone, of course, but I knew my looks were the reason many steered clear. Sometimes, I felt like I could fade into the distance. I felt like I could fade away and no one would fucking notice or care. I liked it that way. I knew what caring did to a person…
Caring felt like a curse. A curse I couldn't escape for. Nothing good came from caring for a person. Nothing good came from loving them. Which was why I was so confused with my urge to be around Bella. I could see myself caring for her - loving her - and those weren't emotions I wanted to deal with.
"I like to keep to myself," I finally responded, refocusing on the present. "When I'm not working, training, or fighting, I just like to be alone."
"I'm the same way," she responded, softening toward me. "I have my hobbies, but most of them are solitary. I don't know … I try to be more social … but I always feel out of place when I'm around others."
"Amen to that," I responded with a chuckle.
The bar came into view and I quickened my pace, causing Bella to do the same. This spot had always been one of my favorites. It had the same patrons, all over the age of fifty. It was the best place to go and drink without the annoyance of other people. Everyone was there to do the same thing: escape. I didn't have to utter a fucking word if I didn't want to. There weren't women hitting on me or fucking morons trying to pick a fight. It was peaceful.
"This is the spot?" Bella questioned as we reached the beat-up, wooden front door.
"Yep. I come here all the time to clear my head."
Besides a hospital a few blocks away, there was nothing else around it. Which was why it was probably so dead. There were a few houses in the distance but this bar was pretty much the end of the road. I paused for a moment before entering, wondering if this was a bad spot to take her.
"I've never heard of it."
"Most people haven't," I replied as I pushed open the front door for her.
She entered, as I took advantage of the moment and allowed my eyes to drop to her ass, which was perfect. Jesus Christ … Merry fucking Christmas to me. When my eyes rose I found she was staring at me, smirking as she watched me fucking blush. I can't believe this girl is making me blush …
"So, you're buying me a drink?"
"Of course, B. Whatever you want to get," I said, patting my jacket pocket containing my wallet.
A few men are sitting at the bartop, watching the TVs in silence. Emmett, my favorite bartender, smiled as he watched us approach the bar. He's usually always here when I was. In his late forties, Emmett was recently divorced and picking up extra shifts. He didn't miss his wife. Apparently, she left him for another man. But God knew they had both had an open-relationship for a long time. Despite being married, they hadn't be exclusive and had seemed to prefer it that way. I didn't know how their marriage went to shit but its end seemed to be for the best. Now, Emmett smiled more. He laughed more. He always managed to cheer me up with his banter before I left, going to do what I needed to do.
"You're not here alone, Ed?" he asked as he threw two napkins down on the bartop for us.
Bella and I took our seats, and while she glimpsed the paper drink menu, I talked to Emmett. "Not tonight. It's Christmas, after all. I thought I could use some company. Besides, I didn't want to look too fucking sad later. I feel like everyone's always fucking worrying about me. She'd always say I'm alone too much."
"You are alone too much," he agreed with a chuckle. "She isn't wrong."
When I turn to Bella, I found her staring at me. Her eyes were curious and her expression was blank. I wondered if I offended her somehow. Am I so used to being alone, I don't know how to properly fucking date?
"Sorry. This is Bella. Bella, this is my friend Emmett."
An awkward smile pulled at my lips as I introduced them. Shit … what did I say?
"Hello," she said before her eyes dropped to the menu. "Can I just get a Blue Moon?"
"Sure thing," Emmett responded without missing a beat. "You, Ed?"
"Whisky, straight."
"Right on." Emmett smiled before turning to grab a bottle of Crown Royal.
"Did I say something … ?"
"It's nothing." She shrugged.
"What are you talking about? You haven't said much since we got here … If I fucked up somehow, just tell me."
"Who were you talking about?" she asked as her gaze remained on the bartop, eyes following the patterns in the wood.
"What do you mean?"
"When you were saying 'she.' Who is 'she'? Do you have a girlfriend or something?" she stammered.
Fuck. I didn't even think about that … I didn't want to discuss this now. I wanted to relax … I wanted to feel normal … I wanted to pretend for a little bit. Once she knows, she'll look at me differently. She'll fucking pity me. This is why I don't like to fucking talk about myself. This is why I don't fucking open up.
I'm so used to fucking and leaving - fucking and leaving so I don't have to feel a thing. The less people know, the better. It's not that I don't want people to know about her, I do. It's felt like she has been locked away forever, all alone with no one to keep her company but me. It's fucking sad. I know it is. It makes me wish I wasn't such a fucking disappointment since I'm the only person she has.
"Look, you don't have to say anything if you don't want to," Bella finally said, causing me to realize I've been lost in thought.
"No, it's okay. It's just … it's not what you're probably thinking. I guess I was going to have to tell you sometime tonight …"
"Tell me what?"
"Here you guys go," Emmett interrupted as he set our drinks down. He looked at me for a moment and threw me a sympathetic smile before he continued. "Let me know if you two need anything else."
"Thanks," Bella mumbled before reaching for her beer.
When I had first saw her, I had seen her light. She had a softness about her but a strength, too. She had seemed like just what I needed. Even now, my opinion hadn't changed. If anything, it had strengthened. She seemed so fucking fearless. When she had called out to me, I had felt like her strength built me up. In a way, she had helped me win. I think deep down, I had believed she could help me tonight, too.
Looking over her shoulder and out the window, I smiled as snow began to fall. I don't usually think of shit like this as beautiful but tonight, the snowflakes against the night sky looked fucking beautiful. I felt Bella follow my gaze as she looked out the window, too.
"It's really fucking pretty tonight," I commented, still captivated by the sight before me. "Maybe after a drink, we can go for a walk. I can't remember the last time I walked around in the snow …"
It must have been when I was a child. Mom had loved Christmas. It had always been her favorite time of the year. She would put up decorations as soon as Halloween was over. I used to help her pick out the biggest Christmas tree. It was always her and I on the holidays. We shared those quiet moments in front of the fire, watching holiday movies as we sipped our hot cocoa. Christmas morning, she would always wake me very early to open gifts. She used to work overtime at her job and sometimes, even took on a seasonal job around the holidays to buy me everything on my list for Santa. She had wanted to see me smile. Little had she known, I would have smiled regardless. Even if she hadn't gotten me shit, I would have been grinning. After Dad left, I was just happy to spend the days with her. I had been happy she hadn't left me, too.
"Edward! Come inside! It's getting chilly out there."
"Mom, just a little longer! I want to cover the yard with angels!"
She peeked her head outside, shivering as the cold air hit her face. She was baking cookies for me and wanted space in the kitchen but now, it looked like she wanted to be out here, too.
"Come play, Mommy! Come make snow angels with me!"
"Buddy, we have to see Nana and Papa for dinner. We can't get all messy."
"Come on, Mommy! That's forever from now!"
She seemed to mull it over for a moment before she smiled at me.
"Okay, buddy. Let me get my jacket."
Moments later, she was rushing toward me, smiling before she let herself flop to the ground at my side.
"Okay, buddy. Show me how to make them!"
"Mommy, you don't know how to make a snow angel?"
"I used to know … but it's been a long time. You'll have to teach me again."
"I get to teach you something?" I smiled at the idea.
"You do, buddy. Teach me this."
"Hey," I heard Bella say, pulling me from my thoughts. "Where'd you go?"
"Sorry. The holidays always make me feel fucking weird."
"I think they make everyone feel weird." She chuckled under her breath before she straightened in her seat and took a drink of her beer. "Honestly, I envy people who have a perfect family."
"I don't think anyone has a perfect family," I argued.
"Yeah … you're probably right. Just some people's lives seem so perfect. They have families they love; people they get along with. I don't know. I don't feel like I have any of that. Besides my sister, I don't really talk to anyone in my family."
"Your sister? She live around here?"
"No, I wish. She and her daughter live 'bout two hours away. I don't have the means to get there this Christmas."
"Sorry."
"You have family?"
"I have a mom," I answered. "I think I have a half-brother, too, out there somewhere. However, I can't be sure. I haven't heard from my dad in fucking ages. He left when I was a toddler. My mom used to say that he sent me letters but they would get lost in the mail." I chuckled at the memory. "I guess she just didn't want to tell a kid that their dad didn't give two fucks about him," I said harshly, shaking my head.
"I'm sorry."
I took a long swig of my whisky, smiling as it burned on the way down. "Don't be. He wasn't. And I'm not sorry either."
She nodded, nursing her beer. "But … you have a girlfriend, don't you? Wasn't she who you were talking about earlier?"
"I don't have a girlfriend. I don't do the whole 'relationship' thing. I don't see the use of it. Once you start caring about someone, you only get fucking hurt. I'm tired of caring for people. I feel like it's a waste of energy. Nothing good has ever come from it."
"I don't think it's a waste of energy," she responded after a heartbeat. "Maybe you just need more practice."
She sounded almost hopeful. Which made me cringe. I didn't want her to be hopeful. Although I felt like I needed her tonight, I can't see this going anywhere in the long term. If I cared for her, and something happened to her … God, I would be fucking broken. I barely knew her, and I already fucking knew that.
"Maybe," I said lamely, finishing off my first drink before I raised my hand off the bartop to order another. Emmett nodded before reaching for the bottle again. "I guess I haven't had the best luck."
"That can change … You have to want a change, though."
"I don't know if I want anything to change."
Emmett placed the glass before me and I reached for it instantly, taking a long drink. I needed this tonight. If I was going to go see her, if I was going to go endure it, I fucking needed this.
"Maybe we can walk around in the snow, Ed. If that's what you want. I'm sure it's beautiful … and I want to share it with you. I'm usually alone, after all."
"I'm usually alone, too. And when I'm with someone, it's completely meaningless. I don't feel a thing - I don't want to."
In the very short time I'd known Bella, I can already tell that she's different. We'd barely spoken to each other and I already fucking feel something. Something I can't describe; something I wasn't used to.
"I feel something now," I said, surprised by my honesty.
"I do, too." She smiled.
The dim lights above the bartop danced across her features, creating beautiful shadows around her pert nose, full lips, and high cheekbones which were covered in tiny freckles. A rosy blush covered her cheeks, looking pretty as it contrasted with her ivory skin. She looked like a fucking angel. Especially when I met her gaze. I could drown in her big, brown eyes. She was unlike anything I had ever seen. She was fucking beautiful. As a person, she was fucking beautiful.
"Do you want to do something with me?" I questioned out of the blue.
"We're doing something right now," she teased with a gentle laugh.
She finished off her beer while I searched for the right words.
"I know, I know. It's just … I have to do something tonight and I want you to come with me."
"What do you have to do."
"I have to visit someone. I want you to be there."
"You have to visit someone? Is it a family member?"
I nodded, silent.
"Should I go with you?" she questioned, seeming nervous suddenly. "We just met and I'm underdressed…"
"You'll be fine. They won't care what you wear. Trust me."
"They won't care … Are you sure? I don't want to make things awkward."
"You won't. I just … I don't want to do this alone. I don't want to be by myself tonight. I spend every Christmas like this. Earlier, when I heard your voice, part of me knew it was time for a change. I don't want to be alone tonight. For whatever reason, I feel like you should be there, too."
"Okay… I'll go with you. If that's what you want."
"I do. Thank you, B."
Taking her hand, I brought it up to meet my lip. I placed a gentle kiss against her skin, feeling a chill run through my body as my warm lips pressed against her cold flesh.
"You ready to get out of here, then?"
"I'll follow you anywhere."
"I think I like the sound of that," I smirked.
Throwing some money down on the table, I said good-bye to Emmett before I helped Bella slide off of her barstool. My heart hammered in my chest as we made our way to the door. The cold air calmed me slightly as it hit us. The wind was merciless but I liked it. It got my mind off of the matter at hand. Fuck, the holidays always fucking suck. Maybe this holiday will be different.
"So, where are we going?" Bella asked as I led her down the sidewalk.
I didn't answer at first. Instead, I appreciated the scenery. I appreciated the way her beauty made the night around us look even more fucking gorgeous. Tonight, I'm lucky. Having her by my side … God, how did I even manage this? She seems so out of my league it's almost comical.
"What are you staring at?" she asked, laughing.
"You."
"Me? I'm not much to stare at."
"You are. I could look at you all the time."
She flushed and shook her head as if she didn't believe my words.
"It's true."
"Maybe."
"No maybes. It's fucking true. Would I lie to you?"
Her flush deepened.
"B, you're the prettiest girl I've ever fucking seen."
She threw her head back and laughed looking ethereal.
"I doubt that. I'm sure you've seen many girls."
"Well, that was before I saw you. You opened my eyes, B."
Although my tone was teasing, I was fucking serious. She was fucking beautiful. Everyone else paled in comparison in my mind. It was as if the world around her was gray and she was the only thing in fucking color.
"Well, I think you're beautiful, too."
"Me?" I snorted. "You're the first one to ever say that, that's for sure."
"Well, it's true. Sure, you're a bit rough," she smiled, "but you're beautiful."
Despite our banter, I stiffened. The hospital was close. As weird as it sounded, I could fucking feel it. It loomed over me; it always seemed to do that. Sometimes, I felt the building was fucking mocking me in a way. I always stared at it head on as if to say: "I won't be fucking intimated by you. You can't do shit to me. This place can't do shit to me anymore."
Bella followed my gaze and paused at my side.
"Is that where we're going?" she quietly asked.
I nodded; my jaw was too stiff for my mouth to open and form words.
God, I hate this place. I fucking hate this place. What a sick joke…
"Maybe we shouldn't do this," I stammered, feeling fucking foolish.
"No," Bella replied, reaching forward to take my hand in hers. "Let's go see who you wanted to see."
I remained still for a moment, still wondering if this was a bad move on my part. Did I really want to drag this girl into my shit? Did I really want to share my darkness with her? Before I could decide what to do, she tugged on my hand and dragged me forward toward the hospital.
"Let's see who you wanted to see."
I nodded and allowed her to pull me along. I didn't know why I was being so fucking weird about this. I'd been doing this for years. I supposed every year became more depressing. Every year that passed without any improvement stabbed at my fucking soul. If I could find who did this, I would fucking kill them with my bare hands. I would do it slowly, making them pay for every fucking moment they made her suffer.
I thought about that faceless fucking coward as we entered the hospital. I thought of them every holiday season. I tried to lift my spirits as I purchased flowers from the gift shop. Bella stayed glued to my side, silently comforting me as I checked in and moved toward the elevators. My heart thumped as I entered the elevator car and pressed the button for the third floor.
"Thanks for being here," I mumbled, trying to distract myself.
"Of course. I needed to be with someone tonight, too. I didn't want to be alone either."
I smiled at this before I bent my head down to rest against her shoulder. I inhaled the pretty scent of her perfume and allowed my face to gently move back and forth against the softness of her wavy hair. Suddenly, I felt relaxed. She did that to me. She made me feel at peace. Even if that peaceful feeling was fleeting, I still fucking appreciated it. I've craved this feeling. When I fought, I felt peaceful - I felt free - but it was nothing compared to this. Bella felt better than everything else.
The elevator dinged before the doors opened, revealing the third floor. It was quiet. I supposed not many people would visit the hospital on Christmas. A few nurses sat behind their station, eating cookies and working on the computer. The energy was depressing. At least, I felt depressed being here. Despite the happy decorations and warm smiles from the staff, this place was fucking bleak.
"It's just down at the end of the hall," I indicated as I guided Bella along.
She nodded, still silently supporting me. The walk to her room felt endless; I felt cold all over. I hated this walk. Every time I saw her, this walk felt like a punishment. Images of the past swam in my mind; images of what she used to be. Once, she was lively, loving, and selfless. Now … now she didn't move at all. I remembered her smiles. I remembered the sound of her voice. Memories were all I had.
Memories may be all I ever would have.
"This is it," I said as we reached the door, barely recognizing my own voice.
This is why I fought. When I was boxing, the rest of the world faded away. Everything around me became a blur as my fists moved. It was euphoric - the greatest release. When I fought, I felt like the man I was supposed to be. The man I was born to be. I felt powerful; I felt in control. When I was at the hospital - when I was visiting her -it felt like all that control slipped away. I no longer felt in charge of my own life. I felt like I was floating in an abyss, waiting for the end. An end to what, I didn't know. I just wanted something to end. I wanted the tension inside me to melt away as whatever nagging thing found its conclusion.
I held my breath as we entered the room. The only sound was the beep coming from her monitor. A curtain shielded us from her and part of me wanted to stay where I couldn't see. Part of me wanted to remember her the way she was.
"You shouldn't be afraid of anything, Edward. Even when we're apart, I'll always be with you."
Tears stung my eyes, and I grew angry, wishing I could control myself.
"It's okay to let yourself feel," I heard Bella whisper.
Was I really going to do this? Was I really going to fucking cry in front of her. It's Christmas and here I am, an absolute mess.
I let go of a shaky breath as a lone tear traveled down my cheek. I closed the distance between us and her beside, venturing beyond the curtain. The woman in bed looked just like I remembered her. Except, she looked like she was in a deep sleep. Sleeping beauty … I wish Dad was here to kiss you and make you wake up …
What a juvenile fucking thought. I was glad that bastard wasn't here. He didn't deserve to be. I turned to see Bella staring at the woman before her. I knew she was taking in the sight of her graying hair and delicate features. The woman on the bed looked older in her sleep. Her wrinkles were more prominent when her face wasn't animated. Her skin was pale and her hair billowed around her. The dim light of the hospital room highlighted the various shades of her hair and danced across her sunken features.
This was my mother. Different, but still the same in my heart. Just seeing her made me want to fall to my knees. Are you proud of me mom? Do I make you proud? Would you talk to me if you could? Would you love me in the same way you did years ago? Please … don't leave me, too. You can't help it but please, please don't leave.
"This is my Mom," I muttered, gesturing toward her before I nearly fell into a chair near her bedside.
"Hello," Bella whispered, stepping forward. Turning to me, she said, "She's beautiful, Edward. Really, really pretty."
"Yeah," I responded, feeling numb. "I know."
I placed the flowers on her bed, leaning closer and eyeing her as if she were going to wake up at any moment.
"Merry Christmas, Mom," I started, feeling as if we were in our own little bubble. "It's real pretty tonight … I know you would love it. The snow started falling a little while ago …" I paused, feeling almost silly. It was as if I were talking to a ghost. "I won my fight tonight, Mom. I don't know if you would like me fighting, but I'm good at it. Real good. I think it would make you proud even if you couldn't stand to see me do it. And I brought a girl today. You would like her, she's real sweet." My eyes moved to Bella and I smiled softly. She smiled, too, making me feel fucking weird. A good fucking weird. It was like my heart had skipped a fucking beat. "I know I'm usually alone and I think if you were awake, you would probably be worrying about me. But I'm not alone tonight. I got lucky, I guess." Staring at Bella again, I continued. "You want to meet her?"
Bella stepped forward, her eyes glistening as she reached out and took my hand. For a moment, she reminded me of my mother. They both smiled with so much warmth. Their smiles were genuine and equally beautiful.
Can I fall for a girl I just fucking met?
"Bella, this is my mom. Mom, this is Bella."
"I'm honored to meet you," Bella whispered, obviously trying to contain her emotions.
Bella sat down on the armrest of my chair, gently leaning her weight against me.
After a moment, I mumbled, "Sorry, I know this is sort of bleak. I just like to see her. I don't want her spending the holidays by herself."
"That's sweet." She paused for a moment before asking, "How long has she been like this?"
"Four years … but it's felt like an eternity. Every year seems to drag on longer without her."
"How …" she trailed off, burrowing her head against my neck.
"Someone hit her. It was icey out, 'round this time of year … they hit her and she swerved off of the road. Her car drove into a pond and she slammed her head against the steering wheel. At first, things had been looking up … I thought shit would go back to normal. But it never did. She's been like this: just existing. She used to be so fucking vibrant." I stopped, choking on my words. "And now she's just like this. She just fucking sleeps. It feels never fucking ending."
"Maybe one day, she'll wake up," Bella responded, trying to be hopeful.
I was grateful for her. Although I knew the chances were so slim they seemed nonexistence, I was grateful she was hopeful for my sake. The hospital room didn't feel so fucking bleak with Bella in it and, for a moment, I was a little hopeful, too.
Miracles do happen, don't they? I shouldn't give up hope. I shouldn't give up on my mom.
Despite visiting her, I felt like I had given up hope. I never believed it would get better. I just accepted this as my situation. I accepted that life was shit and the world was unfair. My jaded attitude made the holidays almost painful. Everyone seemed happy. Happy music. Happy parties. Happy families. Everyone seemed happy and I felt like the world had fucked me. I felt like there was nothing to be happy about.
Tonight, however, I felt different. Bella was warm. Bella was here with me in the present. Bella might be here with me in the future …
A future … When the fuck did I ever think about having a future?
Sitting here, I barely recognized myself.
"What do you guys usually do here on Christmas?"
"I don't know," I mumbled. "Just talk, I guess. Sometimes, I play a Christmas movie on TV."
"That's fun." Bella smiled, making me want to smile, too. "What's her favorite one to watch?"
"It's a Wonderful Life," I answered instantly.
"I love that one, too. Maybe we could see if it's on … Or, do you just want to talk?"
"You can see if it's on. Maybe I can get some snacks from the vending machine and we can chill here for a while?"
"Sounds perfect, Ed," Bella smiled.
Her smile lit up the entire room. Her smile made me feel at home.
Bella jumped up and walked to grab the remote from the table below the TV monitor. I rose from my chair, too, and leaned over mom's bed, memorizing her face.
"How's a movie sound, Mom?"
I listened to the silence not letting to affect me like it once had.
"I love you. You know that? I'll always love you, Mom."
Bending forward, I kissed her forehead, pausing for a moment, enjoying the familiarity before pulling away. She didn't move and I didn't expect her to. I enjoyed her company, nevertheless. I always would. Despite the circumstances, she would always be my mother. She would always be part of me and I would always care for her. I would care for her even when caring tore me the fuck apart.
"I'll be right back."
Bella smiled, turning on the TV for my mother.
I left the room and made my way down the hall, moving toward the vending machine. There was a feeling bubbling in my breast. A feeling that a change was coming. Soon, it would be the new year and I felt this new year would bring new beginnings. My life has remained static for so long. Although time ticked forward, waiting for no one, I felt like my life remained in one place. Part of me was trapped in the past, too fearful of moving forward, while another part was fighting for its freedom - fighting until it bled.
Today, felt like a new beginning. This Christmas gave me hope. With every step forward, I felt like I was moving toward something different, something better. I knew why I hadn't moved forward. I had feared if I moved on, the past would be forgotten; my memories of her would be lost. Now, I knew they wouldn't. Those memories, and my mother, would always be with me. Wherever I was - wherever I went - they would be in my heart.
I wondered if I was allowed to be happy. Was it okay to find happiness when someone else was suffering? If someone I love isn't okay, should I be? I contemplated the question as I moved pass a line of windows, revealing the night sky.
It was gorgeous tonight. The snow drifted down from the sky and melted against the grass surrounding the hospital. Street lights illuminated the gardens, revealing flowers which were lightly dusted with snow. As I looked into the night, I imagined families gathered around their trees; I imagined happy faces and memories being made. My imaginings transported me to the past as I remembered Christmases with my mother again. I remembered what it felt like to be young - what it felt like to experience things for the first time. Feeling nostalgic, I smiled.
There were still new things to experience. There were still emotions left undiscovered.
She would want you to be happy … She would want you to live. Live for her … Make her proud.
Resting my forehead against the glass, I closed my eyes and remembered her words from so many years ago.
"When you fall, you get back up. When life is tough, you face it."
Her words made everything seem easy. I looked to my bike and then to my bloodied knee, not wanting to get back up.
"Come on, Edward. You can't stay down forever."
"But, Mom," I argued.
"Get up, Edward. Time waits for no one. You have to move along with it."
"I love you," I muttered against the cold glass of the window before I opened my eyes and pulled my head away. Time continued, and I would continue, too. I had to. For her, I had to. I looked at the scene outside one more time, deciding on a better future.
If the world wouldn't grant me a good future, I would make one for myself. I would do it for her, and I would do it for me, too. And for Bella … I smiled, thinking of the girl I had just met. Maybe somehow, Mom brought her to me… God, what a joke. Maybe I'm not sleeping enough. There's no way that's possibly. Still, it felt like she had fallen into my lap. Like she was a fucking angel.
Maybe she was my future. Maybe my life wasn't so fucking bleak after all. Maybe I didn't have to be strong all the time. Maybe I didn't have to always fucking pretend.
"Get up, Edward. Time waits for no one. You have to move along with it."
Her voice was crisp in my mind. As if she were standing right next to me, whispering the sentence into my ear. I felt her presence even though truly, she was out of my reach.
I didn't know what tomorrow would bring or the next year would bring. Hell, I didn't know what the next fucking minute would bring. All I knew was, in this moment, I would be happy. Tomorrow hadn't come yet, so, I would live for today.
"We'll always be under the same sky, buddy. Isn't that enough?"
A/N: I hope all of you have a very merry Christmas! I hope you have fun celebrating whatever holiday speaks to you! May your new year be awesome!
P.S. Reviews are better than christmas cookies!